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Johnny Depp’s Soul Sucked Into Bed and Spewed Out in Gushing Melee

Nightmare on 21 Jump Street / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 25, 2008 | Comments (36)

I love Johnny Depp. You love Johnny Depp. It’s not even a question. But the man is testing our patience, people. I’ve always adored Johnny Depp because he’s always taken such interesting, diverse roles, some of which were successes (Donnie Brasco, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape) and some of which failed spectacularly (Nick of Time, Cry Baby, The Ninth Gate), but you always knew that Depp was trying to challenge himself. And up until Pirates of the Caribbean, he’d never really had a huge break-out hit. And we loved him despite it.

But the taste of success was apparently too sweet for Depp; he’s seemingly decided to sell himself down the studio river. Not only has he done two (awful) Pirates sequels, he’s now got a few new projects in the works that don’t mesh with the Depp we know and love.

Johnny Depp is a slave to Disney. Fuck me.

Slashfilm is reporting, from a Disney keynote event out in L.A. yesterday, that Depp is confirmed as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. That’s not news. We knew that. The news: He’s also signed on as the lead in a motion-picture adaptation of the long-running television show, “The Lone Ranger.” Yeah. The Lone motherfucking Ranger. He’s gonna ride a goddamn white horse and wear a ninny’s mask and have a Native American sidekick. How gauche. Also, it’s going to be produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.

I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but real superheroes wear capes, goddamnit.

But that’s not the worst of it, folks. It also appears as though there will be yet another Pirates sequel. In fact, If MTV’s report of the event is accurate, Johnny Depp — Ichabod Crane, Sweeney Todd, Raoul Duke, William Blake, Ed Wood — came out in his Jack Sparrow get-up and a Lone Ranger mask.

Oh, I’m feeling queasy.

Update: Depp will actually play Tonto. Not The Lone Ranger. This doesn’t make me feel any better. (H/T TylerDFC)









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Comments

The Lone Ranger is nothing more than a closeted-er "El Zorro."


And.....aaaah...I'm sick of the "stock" Depp/Burtonian characters already.

There I said it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 25, 2008 10:05 AM

I find that I am developing a hatred towards Disney that seems to be inching ever closer to that "sniper rifle on a rooftop" stage. You know that stage right? No?...... Shit.

Posted by: Admin11 at September 25, 2008 10:13 AM

I feel like the Lone Ranger would have to be played straight. Super serious. And how is that Johnny Depp? I refuse to believe in some "quirky" Lone Ranger. I can only hope that there is an ENORMOUS paycheck involved. And he just phones in the whole performance.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 25, 2008 10:20 AM

I'm getting tired of the caricature roles. I'd like to see Johnny playing some sort of regular dude type. Or at least a quirky, semi-naked, pants-hanging-just-about-at-that-point for most of the movie type. Or some sort of porn star type.

I have to go fan myself now.

Posted by: Cindy at September 25, 2008 10:20 AM

Hmm... Maybe he'll make the Lone Ranger cool, like Banderas did with El Zorro. Yes, I dug that movie. Man, I really gotta stop showing my real colors here.

Posted by: Sofía at September 25, 2008 10:21 AM

Or at least a quirky, semi-naked, pants-hanging-just-about-at-that-point for most of the movie type.

Hipbones.... hmmmmmmmm.......

I need ice. Buckets of it.

Posted by: Sofía at September 25, 2008 10:23 AM

Shouldn't Aaron Eckhart be the Lone Ranger?

Posted by: Eep at September 25, 2008 10:29 AM

The Mad Hatter? So, he's playing Willy Wonka again?

And when I think Lone Ranger, my mind immediately goes to Dudley-Do-Right and throwing Johnny Depp in the mix just makes me want to cry.

Posted by: TO at September 25, 2008 10:33 AM

Actually Depp IS the Native American side-kick. He's playing Tonto, not the Lone Ranger. So... yeah there's that. With the exception of Pirates 4 (sue me) all the announcements out of that event make me want to break into the secret room in Sleeping Beauty's castle and inject Walt's frozen corpse with Dr. Herbert West's reanimation serum and watch him slaughter his way through Disney's upper management and "creative types". Wild Hogs 2, Cars 2, Hannah Montana The Movie, are you fucking kidding me? Fire up the fucking MurderTank, I'm driving! Sorry, Skitts.

Posted by: TylerDFC at September 25, 2008 10:44 AM

And dammit, Stop saying He's the Riddler! It's wrong! Stop saying He'll be the Lone Ranger. Actually, I don't care about the Mad Hatter except that Martin Short would do it better.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 25, 2008 10:44 AM

Yeaa.... Depp's playing Tonto.

Yea.

But who will play the horse?

Posted by: Kayanne at September 25, 2008 10:51 AM

How dare you crap on Cry Baby and The Ninth Gate! Take it back!

Just goes to show that if you stretch yourself role-wise, someone will appreciate even the "missteps".

Posted by: Ed Newman at September 25, 2008 10:51 AM

What's wrong Rowles, Johnnie let you down? Oh, I get it; you thought that somehow he was a different kind of actor. Let me tell you something Rowles, ain't no Santa clause, ain't no Easter bunny, and ain't no tooth fairy. These actors are out to make money; they do not give a fuck about what all you movie purist think. If they did give a fuck, Bobby D would not have stared in "The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle."

Posted by: Pookie at September 25, 2008 10:55 AM

I agree with Slim. Somehow the constant and insistent casting of Johnny Depp and even Helena Bonham Carter really works against the fantastical world that Tim Burton tries to create. I don't know how to explain it, exactly. Maybe it's because it's so expected to see both of them there. Meh.

Depp is such a good actor, but I wish he'd take a role that wasn't so, hm, flashy. I want him in an introspective drama or something, lol.

Posted by: Mimi at September 25, 2008 10:55 AM

Meanwhile, "Captain Cunnilingus vs. Gash" can't find a distributor. Where's the justice?

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 25, 2008 11:00 AM

Lookit, he's doing The Rum Diary, and while I KNOW that's not exactly a stretch since we ALL know he and Hunter S. Thompson shared some kind of brief but torrid affair, I think it will be interesting at least. So I can forgive him playing Tonto. But I cannot forgive another Pirates movie. I cannot.

Posted by: Amelia Bedelia at September 25, 2008 11:25 AM

But who will play the horse?

Sarah Jessica Parker? What, too easy? Well, the "chick" looks like a fucking horse, dammit!

Posted by: Sofía at September 25, 2008 11:27 AM

Oooooh, Johnny Depp in a porn star biopic. I could definitely go for that. He has just the right amount of swarthiness. Probably why Disney thought he would make a good pirate, but fuck Disney.

Posted by: katy at September 25, 2008 11:28 AM

Sofia

Bitch, you cold. Makes you sexier.

And I am SO pissed I didn't make that joke.

Posted by: Mella at September 25, 2008 11:32 AM

Yeah, Mella. I think she beat alot of people to that joke. But it had to be said.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 25, 2008 11:37 AM

I liked The Ninth Gate. Watch it again some time. I liked Cry-Baby even more. So there.

I am okay with Johnny Depp as Tonto provided he shows a lot of skin. If they do a tongue-in-cheek campy Lone Ranger, Depp could be great in it; if they do it straight, I think he'd still be adequate. But in either case, who the fuck are they going to get to play opposite Depp as the Lone Ranger? What actor can you think of who'd have the balls?

Pirates of the Caribbean: Nobody Cares Any More. I expect Depp is either contractually bound, or perhaps doesn't want to desert the rest of the cast and crew, or maybe he just enjoys doing that character and working with those people. It could be worse--he could be doing rom-coms.

Posted by: Jerce at September 25, 2008 11:38 AM

I think she beat alot of people to that joke. But it had to be said.

Optimus, love, are you proud of me? *bats eyelashes*

Posted by: Sofía at September 25, 2008 11:42 AM

No Capes.

Posted by: Roni at September 25, 2008 11:57 AM

I second the sick and tired of the Depp/Burton movies.

You know what I miss? I miss when Johnny was clean and wore a t-shirt and jeans without all that other crap and looked sexy as hell. Every time I see him now it gets harder and harder to undress him with my eyes and play doctor. I mean why does he keep wearing those fucking god awful glasses?! Why?!

And as for SJP being the horse... No one's rode that pony in a long time. So I actually think they'd be doing her a favor casting her as the horse.

Posted by: Virenda at September 25, 2008 11:57 AM

Please, can we keep SJP out of any movie with JD? Some things are sacred.

Can anyone tell me if the Dexter thread has spoilers? I'm afraid to look.

Posted by: Cindy at September 25, 2008 12:00 PM

Why Johnny why???

Posted by: Alli at September 25, 2008 12:12 PM

Not-so-shocking confession #1: I loved "The First Wives Club."
Not-so-shocking confession #2: I loved SJP in "The First WIves Club." She plays the perfect gold digger. All gold diggers are butterfaces. Nice bod, god-awful face.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that Bette Midler is in that movie, too. She's the simple, cooler man's Barbra Streisand. Without an ounce of sef-importance.

"My Morty becomes this big shot on T.V... He was selling electronics, right? On our 20th wedding anniversary it hits midlife crisis major. He starts working out, he, he grows a moustache, he gets an earring. I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you? A pirate? What's next? A parrot?" And all of a sudden I'm a big drag. I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading!"

Oh, how I love this movie... It's the perfect movie to watch with your girlfriends when you're drunk. As you watch it you think "I don't need men!" and then when the credits roll you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, only you're really skeaning out so you can call your ex... Good times.

Posted by: Sofía at September 25, 2008 12:17 PM

Hell to the yeah Sofia. I proudly admit I like that movie and you just quoted one of my favorite parts. I'm also a big fan of Goldie, so adding Goldie, Diane and Bette was a sure win for me. :)

Posted by: Virenda at September 25, 2008 12:23 PM

"What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?"

Posted by: slower lower at September 25, 2008 1:04 PM

"No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!"

Word.

Posted by: Sofía at September 25, 2008 3:15 PM

I don't know how many times I have to say it, but real superheroes wear capes, goddamnit.

Did you not watch The Incredibles? Come on!

When I heard Depp was playing the Mad Hatter, I just sighed. It was as surprising and exciting as finding out that in his next movie Dane Cook is playing yet another douchebag turd. Been there, done that. Bleh.

Posted by: figgy at September 25, 2008 4:23 PM

The only way a Pirates of the Caribbean 4 could work is if the last two films were a dream that jack had on acid. Other than that, I'm not sure what they are going to do. They ruined the franchise by making that god awful third movie and basically scraped the good movie sheen off the first one by making the second one.

I just wish they had either quit while they were ahead or not rushed the second and third movies. They should have waited a bit and gotten it together before filming. A giant woman made out of crabs? Who thought that was a good idea?

Posted by: NotBlonde at September 25, 2008 6:06 PM

Eh. I don't care. He can make crap movies as long as he continues making the good ones too.

Posted by: Lucas at September 25, 2008 8:32 PM

I actually don't mind the idea of Johnny Depp doing the Mad Hatter (and I don't mean in the literal sense either, although that would be trippy!). It's nearly a rehash of his character in the Chocolate Factory.

Posted by: ph at September 28, 2008 10:21 PM

You know I dont care how many "CRAP" movies JD makes.. as long as he spends most of the movie with out his shirt... is that too much to ask?

Posted by: manda at October 2, 2008 8:32 PM

i dont care what anyone says but johnny depp is the hottest man alive and has the best movies ever made

Posted by: TAYLOR >>JD<<< at December 2, 2008 2:10 PM



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