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Where the Dearth of News Forces Rock Bottom Into My Eye Socket

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (60)

newmoonsmall.jpg

It is a sad goddamn day, folks, when this passes for decent movie news, but the well has run dry. I’m resorting to posting an image of shirtless men that doesn’t include Ryan Reynolds. In fact, this image completely tips my Kinsey Scale back toward 0. There is nothing even remotely interesting about this image. It’s as unenlightening as it is pointless. And yet, here we are. A picture of the wolf pack from the upcoming sequel to Twilight, New Moon. Please Trade News Gods, forgive me. But you have brought me to this (via USA Today):


usatodaynewmoon.jpg


And Susan Wloszcyzyna: I know you didn’t want to write this. The journalistic trade is a tough one these days, and I understand why you’d do it. I, too, once had to swallow my pride and write stuff I was embarrassed of. Dignity, unfortunately, has very little nutritional value. You have my sympathies:


Step aside, aloof vampires with all your undead issues. The wolf pack is ready to howl.

Unlike cold-blooded neck biters, these poster guys for animal magnetism are hot. So hot that their temperature runs a steady 108 degrees, as anyone who has read Stephenie Meyer’s series of gothic romances knows.


I applaud your ability to put aside your self-respect to keep your heat on and put vittles on the table. I’m being 100 percent sincere. It’s hard out there for a journo. You deserve a raise for this.









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Comments

…and the ad below this article is that Twilight is now casting for all looks and types. Does that include human? Cause I'm not a Vampire OR a Werewolf, but I'm willing to pretend if it'll get me close enough to jump Robert Pattinson.

I love Google ads sometimes.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 22, 2009 8:39 PM

Okay, wait, are the werewolves (aka villains) all minorities, and why is no one mentioning the racism of the villains of this film all being brown?

Posted by: Audiosuede at April 22, 2009 8:44 PM

None of those damned pansies does a thing for me. None. I think it's just the fact that they're in Twilight.

*shudder8

Audiosuede: you're totally right. And consider that the hero is so white he fucking sparkles in the sunlight. I hadn't thought about it. But damn, another reason Meyer is just a hick who got lucky.

Posted by: figgy at April 22, 2009 9:04 PM

figgy, could be that those guys don't tickle your fancy because they're all butterfaces. And they look like they smell like Douche No. 5.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 22, 2009 9:08 PM

Dammit, I forgot he's the Voldemort of Pajiba. Another post eaten for now. Anyway, what I meant to say is:

Oh P**kie!

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 9:16 PM

This looks like a Speed Demon screenshot.

Posted by: Sunsneezer at April 22, 2009 9:21 PM

I could play the fat, bald werewolf for laughs. When the rest of the guys are devouring children, I'm trying to get into the cookie jar.

Posted by: Lucas at April 22, 2009 9:27 PM

Werewolves like cookies?

Oh, and shouldn't those dudes up there be a bit more hairy?

Posted by: Cindy at April 22, 2009 9:32 PM

Ha ha ha ha ha!

"Gothic romance"?

HAHAHAHAHA!

Posted by: Sarina at April 22, 2009 9:34 PM

Geeze. The attempt to look brooding is failing miserably with these guys. However, the fact that THEY don't sparkle in the noonday sun like walking My Little Pony 'action figures' does up their hotness factor from the -500 it was for simply appearing in a Twilight movie.

And Audiosuede, that is a DAMN good point! Fantastic. Another reason not to watch this dreck!

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 22, 2009 9:34 PM

Hi there, I want invite you to my black-white community: _____ interracialconnect. c o m _____to meet some new people or find a date.

Posted by: rose at April 22, 2009 9:36 PM

At first I thought the one on the left was kinda hot. And then I felt dirty when I realized it was twilight.

But he's still pretty hot.

Posted by: Gabs at April 22, 2009 10:06 PM

Oh, Dustin. The guy waaay over on the left is both interesting and enlightening. Also very very pointful. Or, at least, hot enough for me.

Audiosuede, since you clearly (you lucky, lucky person you) haven't read the books, the werewolves are brown because they are Native Americans. Which makes it all better, right? Anyway, they're not really villains. I think they protect humans from vampires, or something. I don't know, I read the whole series, and I'm trying to block it out.

The Notorious P-K-E!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 22, 2009 10:06 PM

May I add that "włoszczyzna" in Polish means "soup greens"? I shit you not.
Ah, what a day.

Posted by: Iceblink at April 22, 2009 10:21 PM

you know who was kinda hot?
the indian in the cupboard.

Posted by: gp at April 22, 2009 10:25 PM

I really think this website is full of just down right pansy asses! Get off your momma's teats, and grow a sack....

The movie Twilight is mind numbingly feminine.
Snap out of it.

Posted by: helpme at April 22, 2009 10:30 PM

Shouldn't werewolves have a little bit of body hair? Eh, no skin off my nose. Twilight can work on sucking my non-existent left nut. I'll keep my fantasies for the men in Charlaine Harris' Vampiric Dreck. At least that has honest to gosh smut! And Alcide Herveaux makes a much hotter were and he's not even real!

Stupid Twilight. Stupid Sparkly Vampires.

Posted by: Kayanne at April 22, 2009 11:03 PM

No.

Posted by: admin at April 22, 2009 11:11 PM

Feel free to get in contact and tell us why you're attracted to people in uniform-www.uniformmate.com-

Posted by: 11 at April 22, 2009 11:13 PM

I MISSED YOU SPAMBOT. COME BACK TO MEEEEEEEEE...

OK, so I decided to read all four Twilight books, because I don't believe in hating on something with which I am unfamiliar. Conclusion: they suck harder than you think they do.

Werewolves above: you, kiddies, are no Michael Sheen.

Posted by: Donut Plains at April 22, 2009 11:22 PM

Wait, is P**kie no longer allowed? I always seem to miss these things.

Also, "vittles" can be spelled as "victuals." I never, ever would have guessed that from looking at it. /word nerd

Posted by: Geetch at April 22, 2009 11:24 PM

Looks like SOME werewolves fell asleep in the tanning bed again.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 23, 2009 12:10 AM

To steal a line from Family Guy: "Cut. Print. Gay."
To steal a line from Seinfeld: "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

And finally to steal a line from Twilight:

".................................."

I'm trying to think of something memorable to steal from Twilight. Too bad I've 1) never read any of those books and 2) would rather tell watch all 5 of the "Worst NOLA movies" than read even 1 page of Twilight.

Posted by: Fredo at April 23, 2009 12:12 AM

wait, didn't garfield the cat hate mondays, love lasagne, and have a teddy bear named pookie?

Posted by: gp at April 23, 2009 12:29 AM

hooray! i made a reference to garfield's teddy bear and got censored! i LOVE this site! good night all!

Posted by: gp at April 23, 2009 12:30 AM

....MmmmmmmMMMMMMMmmmmmMMMmmMmmMmMmmmmmm...
Twilight.
I..just..can't HELP IT. I LOVE THAT TERRIBLE MOVIE. I WILL WRECK ROBERT PATTINSON.

...I could give a crap about some stupid werewolves.

Posted by: popejenn at April 23, 2009 1:08 AM

I do sort of love that they've way way over airbrushed the chest of the dude right in front, to th epoint he looks oddly malformed, but that skinny Tony Jaa(Facially) looking motherlicker on the right is just left to to his own underdeveloped graces. If you're going to play a werewolf, I dont care what movie its for, you hi the gym and hit it hard dude!! You look TWELVE for fucks sake!! Are you SUPPOSED to be twelve?!

Also, in what fucking way does FOUR constitute a pack? That's a Bridge game right there

Posted by: Nadine at April 23, 2009 3:52 AM

Nadine, you got it wrong. An entire pack of overly muscular, hairless (snicker) dogs werewolves in a movie like this would transport the wrong body image to all the young werewolves out there. People are skinny, after all. So are werewolves. Stop discriminating them!

The only disturbing thing about that young man is his (photoshopped) chiseled jaw.

Posted by: FabMaxMax at April 23, 2009 5:03 AM

That picture looks like my old neighborhood in San Diego.

Posted by: Kballs at April 23, 2009 8:31 AM

Frankly, I am offended by that image. This is not what I want to see when I come to this site. No sir! I want to see good, clean, wholesome images of Ryan Reynolds's abs!

I have no intention of watching this or any other Twilight related film.


P.S. I have read the first Twilight book, the writing is terrible. Just terrible.

Posted by: M at April 23, 2009 8:58 AM

My sister got me to read the Twilight books. They are the most poorly written novels I have ever read. And yet I could NOT put them down. I ate very little and watched no TV and finished them in a few days. And I was left with a disgusting little crush on Robert Pattinson (before I even saw the film), as well as the ability to know that those guys are not villains; they are in fact good-guy werewolves. I hate myself.

Posted by: b at April 23, 2009 9:01 AM

b, I sympathize. I had a friend talk me into reading them, and I was like a crack fiend for 4 days while I finished them all.

They're awful. But addicting. Now all I want to do is cholorform Robert Pattinson and do bad things to him.

Also in news that I'm ashamed I know, the writers of New Moon apparently changed one of the "Wolf Pack" member's name from Sam to Lakota. Someone fails.

Posted by: Manther the Panther at April 23, 2009 9:28 AM

The one on the far far right kind of looks like a more rugged, tanner Bill Hader.

And DUDE, Twilight isn't feminine. It's just balls out stupid.

Posted by: Julie at April 23, 2009 9:34 AM

Just to say, because sadly I have read them, that the werewolves aren't really the bad guys. Vampires and werewolves don't get on, true, but they're not evil and they actually all come to work together to save, well, the annoying Bella.

And now I'm done defending Twilight I will go kill myself.

Posted by: Carrie at April 23, 2009 9:39 AM

I refuse to read these books, because I know it will be like a 4 day crack binge. I've read bits of them over people's shoulders on public transport (is that wrong? I feel kind of wrong doing that...I judge, and everything...) and they are like really badly written bodice rippers, from the 3 paragraphs I have read. And I'm pretty sure from the internets that there isn't even any sex til book 4. Which is the only reason to read bodice rippers, let's be honest.

Blech. I voted for shirtless guys in the surveys. This may change my mind...

Posted by: rach at April 23, 2009 9:44 AM

Manther are you serious about the Lakota thing?! That is horrifying. That is so bad it's almost funny. Almost.

Posted by: b at April 23, 2009 9:45 AM

I'm pretty sure werewolves don't wax. But whatever. My favourite werewolf is still Oz. These puppies wish they could be a tenth as cool as him...

Posted by: Tarn at April 23, 2009 9:49 AM

At times like this I'm actually glad that I DON'T live in the US (well... this and that whole Bush thing...) because around here it wasn't that bad with the whole twilight madness.
But I still refuse to read the books based solely on what I read here.
Thank you Pajiba

Posted by: tris at April 23, 2009 9:53 AM

gp @ 10:25, you owe me a new keyboard.

Posted by: grenadine at April 23, 2009 9:53 AM

Oh, and i forgot to tell you, Dustin, that "vittles" in my house is code for cat food, so you can imagine the visual that gave me of poor Susan Wloszcyzyna.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at April 23, 2009 10:00 AM

I saw these guys drinking a Perrier at Trader Vic's.

Their hair was perfect.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 23, 2009 10:01 AM

So true, NO werewolf is as cool as Oz, Tarn.

Posted by: Julie at April 23, 2009 10:26 AM

I thought it was a Pina Colada. You better stay away from him. He'll rip your lungs out, Jim.

Posted by: slower lower at April 23, 2009 10:31 AM

What's wrong with this picture:

1. All the werewolves have NO hair.
2. All the werewolves are different races and yet they are all the same shade of brown.
3. This does not make up for not having hair.
4. Matching tattoos do not make up for not having hair.

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at April 23, 2009 10:33 AM

I hope the werewolves eat Kid Rock for not only plagarizing Werewolves of London's motif, but for also ripping off Sweet Home Alabama blantantly in the same song.

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at April 23, 2009 10:35 AM

I'm considering staging an intervention for a friend of mine that pre-ordered the DVD. ::shudder::

I've read the books and saw the movie - HOURS of my life I want back.

Posted by: NTP at April 23, 2009 11:00 AM

Native Americans running around with chests like Robin Williams would be... atypical, shall we say. I like their lithe little torsos in this pic. And now I feel like a damn cougar.

(Are we really only just now, and only just because of these guys, picking up on the "white and delightsome" nature of Twilight vampires? Seriously?)

Posted by: Jacintha at April 23, 2009 11:24 AM

My sister got me to read the Twilight books. They are the most poorly written novels I have ever read. And yet I could NOT put them down. I ate very little and watched no TV and finished them in a few days. And I was left with a disgusting little crush on Robert Pattinson (before I even saw the film), as well as the ability to know that those guys are not villains; they are in fact good-guy werewolves. I hate myself.

b, I sympathize. I had a friend talk me into reading them, and I was like a crack fiend for 4 days while I finished them all.

They're awful. But addicting. Now all I want to do is cholorform Robert Pattinson and do bad things to him.

Oh thank God, I'm not the only one. I read all four books in less than a week and with each book I became progressively more disgusted with myself but I COULD NOT STOP. I couldn't stop people and now I know how heroin addicts feel.

Like b said, the novels are poorly written and by the end of the third book I was filled with contempt for Bella and her god-awful neediness; Christ woman, grow a fucking backbone already! But I couldn't stop. I HAD to know how they ended.

But it gets worse; much, much worse. (And I swear, if any of you Pajibans share this secret with the rest of the internet, I'll hunt you down and remove various body parts with a rusty spoon.)

I read the first book, got halfway through the second and decided I should, nay NEEDED, to watch the movie. My husband and I drove to our favourite independent movie rental place only to discover that said rental store was closing down. I was so desperate to see this movie I then DROVE to Walmart and bought the fucking thing. And I've watched it twice. And the part where Robert Pattinson tries to see if he can control himself when he kisses Bella makes me hot and tingly.

I loathe myself.

Posted by: Kelly at April 23, 2009 11:38 AM

I read the first book. I was completely uninterested in reading the rest. That said, the kid playing werewolf-cutie in the movie has a smile on him. Yee-um.

*mumbles something about "Team Jacob"*

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at April 23, 2009 11:44 AM

ok, i must be looking at a different picture than the rest of you 'cause these young, pretty, pretty boys make me want to lick something. (that sounds worse than i thought it would)

i read all the books and they aren't werewolves, they are shape-shifters. either way, they are definitely the best part of the books--Edward and Bella annoyed the frak outta me--Jacob and the rest of the pack were too good for that series.

i saw the movie a few weeks ago and it is far better than the book--the first book is just terrible, but if i start a series i have to finish it. plus, Robert Pattinson is so hot he makes Edward tolerable. now, i need to look for more pictures of the pretty young mens...

Posted by: pq at April 23, 2009 12:13 PM

Yessss! All the self-loathers have emerged. I am not the only one.

And about the R. Pattz thing...is it HIM or is it because of the whole movie thing? I really can`t decide. I mean, I kinda enjoyed him as Cederic too. Is it wrong that molestation is consistently on my mind when it involves Mr. Pattinson?

Posted by: popejenn at April 23, 2009 12:16 PM

At first I thought the one on the left was kinda hot. And then I felt dirty when I realized it was twilight.

But he's still pretty hot.

I agree, he's hot. The rest are mostly doable, except for the pre-adolescent on the right.

What can I say, I like brown men.

Posted by: Drake at April 23, 2009 12:23 PM

popejenn, i'm going to have to do more research* to be certain, but i think it's him. i thought he was attractive before i saw Twilight, but he is incredibly sexy as Edward.

*i'm fighting the urge to buy the movie, but i'm losing. i actually really liked the movie, but i'm fairly sure i only liked it because Edward made my lady bits tingle.

Posted by: pq at April 23, 2009 12:37 PM

As far as Robert Pattinson being hot...I thought he was attractive in the movie (yes, I saw it..in the theater. But I had a free pass..I know, that doesn't make it okay) but good lord is he smoking hot in real life. He's scruffy and a little dirty and just mmmm...

I think I need an intervention.

Posted by: Manther the Panther at April 23, 2009 12:57 PM

I think I need an intervention.

Sign me up too. Maybe we could get an episode on the tv show "Intervention"! And then, maybe they'll have Robert Pattinson himself come on the show to particpate in the intervention. And maybe he'll be scruffy and a little dirty.

Bring the chloroform just in case.

Posted by: Kelly at April 23, 2009 1:40 PM

Also, word on the street is that Robert Pattinson is currently staying in my fair province of BC shooting scenes for the "New Moon" movie and fucking his way through the extras.

Anyone who doesn't mind a four hour drive to where they're currently filming or the occasional sexual harrassment by my 13 year old bulldog, can crash at my place and we can see if we can get jobs as extras.

Posted by: Kelly at April 23, 2009 2:26 PM

I thought it was a Pina Colada. You better stay away from him. He'll rip your lungs out, Jim.

Posted by: slower lower at April 23, 2009 10:31 AM
---
I think I was thinking of the live version on "Stand In The Fire."

"And he's looking for ... Jaaaaames Taylor!"

That's a fucking great record.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 23, 2009 2:37 PM

unfortunetly i'm a guy and i liked twilight all 4 books and the movie. my almost girlfriend talked me into reading and watching them and i like em.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at April 23, 2009 4:20 PM

kelly, I'm packing right NOW. I would brave the inevitable case of VD that he'd give me and give him the ride of a lifetime.
I feel so very dirty, but happily dirty when I think of the things I would do to that boy.

...I'm only 3 provinces away! I'll be there in about 18 hours.

Posted by: popejenn at April 25, 2009 12:55 AM

Ok, here goes........I read all four books in 4 days. I wanted to see what the hype was about and it was like crack, very, very poor crack, but crack just the same. And I saw the movie. Before I read the god damnned books and it was awkward and uncomfy and I loved it! I want to go with Kelly and Popejenn, it will take me four days of steady driving, I'm in Nova Scotia, but they can tear RPatz to pieces all by themselves. I've got my eyes on Kellan Lutz. Hot Damn! I want to do all sorts of nasty things to that boy! And did you know he's just signed on for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake?! I will see it just for this reason.

Ugh. I feel like a pedophile. But he's hot! And I'm only 31, he can't be that much younger than me! I need help. Lordy there is alot of and's in this post. I am so ashamed. Ok, I have to go undo the damage this confession has done.

Posted by: Eyvi at April 25, 2009 10:51 AM