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Penelope Cruz to Get Her Rrrrrr-Matey On

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (35)

Penelope Cruz Naked.jpg

Confession: I don’t think I ever saw the third installment in the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy (I can’t say for sure, actually — it may have been so forgettable that I simply don’t remember seeing it). I do remember seeing the second movie, which is likely why I didn’t bother with the third. I thought if I had absolutely no interest in the storyline or the characters in the second movie, how could I possibly be interested in the third?

The truth is, I never saw what the huge fuss about the original was about. I liked Johnny Depp in it, but my enjoyment of it pretty much ended there. I lost interest in even Jack Sparrow in the second movie, when he turned into a weird caricature.

Anyway, most of you all know by now that there will be a fourth movie in the series, and that Rob Marshall (Nine, Chicago) has officially signed on, along with Johnny Depp, who will be reprising his Jack Sparrow role.

Details on the fourth movie’s plot are being kept under wraps, which is usually code for “We’ll make it up when we get to the set.” Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, however, will not return (the reason for this may have been explained in the third movie — you’ll have to excuse my ignorance). However, in their stead, we now know that Penelope Cruz is negotiating to come aboard to play Captain Jack Sparrow’s foil. We also know that the plot will revolve around the Fountain of Youth.

The casting would reunite Cruz with Marshall, who collaborated on Nine (Cruz’s performance garnered her an Oscar nom). I like Cruz (mostly for her Spanish-speaking roles — she’s kind of crap in American movies), and I certainly prefer her to Knightley. In fact, having disposed of whatever storyline the series had been running, and starting fresh with a new director and new characters, I could potentially get interested in the franchise again. If the focus stays on Sparrow and his relationship with Cruz, there could be some potential.

But then I sort of remember that Pirates is a family type adventure movie, and I don’t really like family adventure movies, so never mind. Pirates 4 is gonna blow nostril boulders.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Cruz also has a part in this summer’s Sex and the City 2? Oh wait, that’s not a fun fact — that’s a goddamn travesty. My mistake.

(Source: THR)









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Comments

I saw them all and they're a big, meh, at best. What I do find quite amusing is that you aren't a fan of family adventure movies, but you're all over rom-coms like an unsupervised visit between two southern cousins.

Posted by: admin at February 11, 2010 9:14 AM

I'd like to have a part in Penelo--I MEAN RAWR INTERWEBS ABLAZE WITH ANGRY COMMENTS AFLAME! TRAVESTY AND SUCH!

Posted by: D-Day at February 11, 2010 9:14 AM

Confession: I saw Pirates III simply because of Chow Yun Fat and Bill Nighy. It was worth it.

Posted by: Snath at February 11, 2010 9:27 AM

Damn you Cruz! I thought that was Rachel and this was a Glee post. Curses!

This news, I don't actually care about. I'm with you Dustin in that I don't think I've ever seen the third movie in this franchise.

Posted by: becks at February 11, 2010 9:29 AM

I really enjoyed the first Pirates. The second one was too long and meh, and the third one I never saw. But honestly, there are much worse movies out there. Like Sex and the City 2 for example!!

Not that I could ever do it justice like she does, but I covet the chemise Penelope is wearing in that photo! Or is it a dress?

Posted by: lucy at February 11, 2010 9:42 AM

"Because Daddy HATES Disney World! THAT'S why we're staying home, Axl!" Oh it'll be a sad day.

Posted by: Jay at February 11, 2010 9:44 AM

I've seen them all. I love the first one, it was fresh and funny, just a good summer action movie. The second one was less good, and the third one was frankly awful.

I also mostly like Penelope Cruz in her Spanish movies, with the exception of Woman on Top, which I saw at just the right moment in my life and remember as being sweet and funny. If she can bring that character to a Pirates movie, and Captain Jack can be dialed back to his original form and away from being a Benny Hill caricature, a fourth Pirates has potential.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 11, 2010 9:49 AM

No Knightley or Bloom makes sense seeing as how Captain Jack has taken his tiny little boat and paddled with all his might toward the Fountain of Youth at the end of 3. It makes more sense considering Knightley has a legitimate film career now and Bloom ran over that guy, promised he'd call 911, fled the scene, returned to the scene, called 911 like he didn't hit the guy, then got caught lying about running a guy down and fleeing the scene. So, prestige films and legal troubles trump prancing about like pirates.

Posted by: Robert at February 11, 2010 9:51 AM

"Because Daddy HATES Disney World! THAT'S why we're staying home, Axl!" Oh it'll be a sad day.

I fully support Dustin's position. Go to Sea World instead. Except Epcot. Epcot fucking rocks.

Posted by: admin at February 11, 2010 10:02 AM

*sigh* Oh Penelope, I could never stay mad at you.

Posted by: branded at February 11, 2010 10:05 AM

Eh, for my money, Animal Kingdom is the highlight of Disney World. Especially if you stay in the Animal Kingdom Lodge, which is fucking awesome. You can sit on your balcony and see giraffes, people. A stone's throw away from you. Go to the website and look at a picture of the rooms. THAT is what you get -- every room is just like what's pictured.

We loved it.

Epcot is the Future as Envisioned in 1982. But with beer.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 11, 2010 10:08 AM

You people make me SICK.

Posted by: Jay at February 11, 2010 10:12 AM

Epcot is the Future as Envisioned in 1982. But with beer.

Exactly. It almost made the dumbassery tolerable.

Posted by: admin at February 11, 2010 10:17 AM

She also had supposedly just signed on for a Lars Von Trier film, Melancholica - but now the word is she may have dropped it for this. Interesting choice, if true.

Posted by: Cindy at February 11, 2010 10:23 AM

Cindy, it's an obvious choice. It's less damaging to the psyche to work with a theater queen doing an action film (Marshall) who already worships you than it is to work with one of the most vile, hateful, aggressive, belligerent asses in the industry (von Trier) who has just enough talent to not be totally blacklisted from humanity. I mean, the man made Bjork cry. That's like pissing on a newborn puppy.

Posted by: Robert at February 11, 2010 10:31 AM

Cruz is a delight to look at but the moment she opens her mouth to speak I start to hear a Mariachi band and chickens in the back ground.

Posted by: Orrin Hatch at February 11, 2010 10:46 AM

I know I saw the two sequels. I know I did. But I get Matrix-Sequels Syndrome when I try to remember either of them: they were so bad, so convoluted, so bloated with extra plots and ridiculous characters that I can't tell them apart. I couldn't even begin to tell you what those movies were about. There were some pirates? In the Caribbean? and a chest? that's it.

Posted by: figgy at February 11, 2010 11:08 AM

The plot isn't really being kept under wraps, since the fourth movie is going to be based on Tim Powers' classic historical fantasy novel On Stranger Tides, which will be shoehorned into the Pirates of the Caribbean universe. Powers himself is a World Fantasy Award-winning author, for what that's worth, and On Stranger Tides itself was nominated for World Fantasy and Locus awards. Here is Wikipedia's (bland) summary of the plot:

This book follows the exploits of John "Jack Shandy" Chandagnac, who travels to the new world after the death of his puppeteer father to confront his uncle, who apparently has made off with the family inheritance. During the voyage, he gets to know a woman named Beth Hurwood and her father Benjamin Hurwood, an Oxford professor. Before they arrive, their ship is waylaid by pirates and, with the help of the professor and his assistant, the captain is killed and Chandagnac is forced to join the pirate crew. The reader discovers a sinister plot being concocted by the professor involving his dead wife, his living daughter, the Fountain of Youth, and Blackbeard. Chandagnac, now known as "Jack Shandy", must put a stop to these plans and save Beth Hurwood.

Powers' novels are excellent, and On Stranger Tides is one of his best. Regardless of the many issues with Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3, I can see this working as a standalone Jack Sparrow movie, sort of. If they don't screw up the source material. It does seem like they're going in an interesting direction with the director and casting, though, so we'll have to see.

If nothing else, maybe this adaptation will get Tim Powers' original novel - and his other works, especially The Anubis Gates and Declare - some more attention, which would be fantastic.

Posted by: Sam at February 11, 2010 11:23 AM

"Because Daddy HATES Disney World! THAT'S why we're staying home, Axl!" Oh it'll be a sad day.

Posted by: Jay at February 11, 2010 9:44 AM

This was my childhood. It was OK -- we just went to Paris and Trinidad and Yosemite instead of Florida, and I learned to eschew all those princesses. So, Disney-deprived kids grow into elitist, intellectual teenagers who can't sing along to "Colors of the Wind" on the cross country bus. We might be hell to raise, but at least we don't always want to be a princess for Halloween.

Posted by: esme at February 11, 2010 11:28 AM

It's never too late to start a better life, esme. It's never too late.

I'll pray for you.

Though your princess defense holds no water.

Posted by: Jay at February 11, 2010 11:53 AM

Meh, I'm in the minority here but I don't think Cruz is that hot (I don't think I've seen a single one of her movies though, so ...). There's something weird about the distance between her top lip and her nose, it's off somehow ...

But then, I've seen photos of Rainbow Killer that inspire lust in my heart, so no accounting for taste, eh?

*slinks away*

Posted by: , at February 11, 2010 12:01 PM


the " pirates " franchise is a mystery to me .... i cannot imagine
a single demographic that it would appeal to. obviously, the
problem is with my imagination because plenty of viewers show
up with cash in hand but really .....

penelope cruz is a looker but, more important, she is a looker with
talent. i thought her turn in " elegy " was oscar worthy.

Posted by: snake at February 11, 2010 12:35 PM

Meh, I think that Katherine Heigl is naturally better looking than Penelope Cruz but she doesn't take care of herself as well so Penelope usually looks better.

I knew (know) every word to every Disney song when I was a child and I wanted to be a Disney princess and I turned out fine. Heil Hitler.

What the? Where did that come from?

Posted by: becks at February 11, 2010 12:39 PM

jesus chirst! she played the Heil Hitler card.

Posted by: Orrin Hatch at February 11, 2010 12:50 PM

obviously, the
problem is with my imagination

Well, yeah, you basically suck. Sorry to tell you.

Posted by: Jay at February 11, 2010 12:58 PM

"Meh, I think that Katherine Heigl is naturally better looking than Penelope Cruz but she doesn't take care of herself as well so Penelope usually looks better.

Mmmm not too sure on that one. Most blondes are (on average) more high makeup-maintenance than brunettes. And Penelope can work it. Did ya see the trailer for Nine? She was the only thing I remember. Heigl's "movie sex appeal" is occasionally appearing in her underwear, usually cancelled out by her bitching and whining at the nearest walking penis they cast alongside her.

Plus looks are completely objective and dependent on aesthetic dispositions. Arguing that is like arguing music so let's skip it.

What we do know is that, if you quantified Heigl's sex appeal, you would have to multiply that mofo by something ridiculous like, errr, Avogadro's number to get to Penelope.

She's Spanish, sexy accent (and not the Taco Truck guy's wife accent), more talented, may/may not have hooked up with Salma Hayek (it's my imagination piss off), and she's with Javier Bardem. Even straight dudes understand that guy's sex appeal.

Posted by: D-Day at February 11, 2010 4:02 PM

I don't find blondes any more high maintenance than brunettes. None that I know anyway. I prefer Heigl's face. I think Penelope looks pretty good in the header but I'd agree with ',' that her face is a little off. Still a cutie though and definitely has more sex appeal.

Posted by: becks at February 11, 2010 4:17 PM

She's Spanish, sexy accent (and not the Taco Truck guy's wife accent), more talented,

Well, that's your aesthetic disposition, so, it's kinda moot.

Posted by: Jay at February 11, 2010 4:32 PM

She's Spanish, sexy accent (and not the Taco Truck guy's wife accent), more talented,

Well, that's your aesthetic disposition, so, it's kinda moot.

So you like em Not-Spanish, sounds like a bucktooth horse, and without any charming or useful faculties?

(I'm kidding, but I get the point.)

Posted by: D-Day at February 11, 2010 5:08 PM

So, Captain Jack is going to turn the Black Pearl into a Cruz ship?

*ducks*

Posted by: , at February 11, 2010 9:23 PM

Oh, I really liked that.

Posted by: becks at February 11, 2010 9:50 PM

She's Spanish

Posted by: D-Day at February 11, 2010 4:02 PM
---
Why does she get points just for that? Please explain.

While you're at it, I'll ponder why Gisele Bundchen gets bonus points for being Brazilian because she's really kinda haggy. What the fuck does your country of origin have to do with anything?

(Gisele with her twin sister, Patricia, if you want to see what Tom Brady REALLY wakes up to every morning.)

yowazzup.com/blog/images/patricia-gisele-bundchen.jpg

Posted by: , at February 11, 2010 11:22 PM

Most blondes are (on average) more high makeup-maintenance than brunettes.

Actually D-Day, I'd agree with you on that one. I'm blondish, and without at least a little makeup, I look like the outline of a face, before the artist has put in the details (not bad, just incomplete), whereas my friends with dark hair/eyes, often look great with no makeup.

There are, of course, plenty of exceptions, so I don't mean to generalize. It's also just a matter of opinion.

Posted by: lucy at February 12, 2010 12:36 PM

It probably comes down to whether you have blonde eyelashes and eyebrows.

Though many brunettes have to deal with more unwanted hair removal so it's most likely still a draw.

Posted by: becks at February 12, 2010 1:45 PM

I think Penelope's drop-dead gorgeous. Always have.

Posted by: samantha t at February 12, 2010 2:42 PM