November 20, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | November 20, 2007 |


Tom Cruise as Hugh Hefner.

Yeah. Let that sink in, folks. Seriously. I heard it from a guy who knows this other guy who used to be married to this womyn who once had a lesbian fling with this other lady who read it on a website. So, you know, it’s pretty much a done deal. That’s right: Tom Cruise will play The Hef in a biopic directed by Brett Ratner. It’s like the perfect storm of shit — creepy A-list movie star with absolutely zero remaining box-office clout, the worst big-budget director in Hollywood, and a guy who revolutionized the soft-porn industry and who is currently notable for a coterie of girlfriends and a greasy boner hopped up on Viagra. Fucking hell: The idea of Tom Cruise and his mini-Valkyrie pole dancing with a harem of Brittany Snows is just the sort of thing that can make a guy upchuck his turkey dinner. Happy Thanksgiving, bitches.

But, it gets worse before it gets better, y’all. Indeed, having exhausted the Friday the 13th series to death with eleven films, in which Jason Voorhies is sent to hell, Manhattan, and even space, as well as a grudge match with Freddy Kreuger (confession: I drank so much before Freddy vs. Jason that I passed out 20 minutes into the film and I have no idea who won — will someone shed the light?), the powers-that-be have decided that it’s time to start all over. So, on Friday, February 13, 2009, a remake of the original will hit theaters, to be produced by Michael Bay, of course. Marcus Nispel, who directed the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre will direct, and the story will once again return to the summer camp that began it all. The cast, naturally, includes a bevy of nobodies, the most notable among them Matt Dallas, the title character in “Kyle XY.” Also in the cast: Amanda Wyss, a.k.a., Better Off Dead’s Beth — her, I’d pay to see.

What else? Well, there’s this: Katherine “Rainbow Assassin” Heigl will star in The Ugly Truth, a romantic comedy directed by Robert Luketic (Monster-in-Law, Legally Blonde). It centers on a romantically challenged morning-show producer (Skank) who is reluctantly embroiled in a series of outrageous tests by her chauvinistic correspondent to prove his theories on relationships and help her find love. As Variety writes, “His clever ploys, however, lead to an unexpected result.” And unless that unexpected result is the death of Rainbow Assassin’s career and the cancellation of “Grey’s Anatomy,” I have absolutely no interest in seeing The Ugly Truth. My God — could that logline sound anymore generic? Is fucking Katherine Heigl seriously going to be the next Sandra Bullock? Fuck. Me. Running. And yes, I know that my borderline-obsessive hatred of Heigl is mostly unmerited, but surely most of you have your own Katherine Heigls: Celebrities who violently rub you the wrong way for inexplicable reasons, whose simple presence sends you scurrying for the remote and, lacking that, a straight razor. The way that Heigl has hijacked the strike — turned the attention onto herself, instead of the people who actually write — has had something to do with the buildup of animosity, but mostly, I just don’t like her.

Actually, I don’t think we’re doing a comment diversion this week, due to the holiday, so how about this mini-diversion: Who is your Katherine Heigl? The celebrity you hate for no reason in particular — you just do? The cut of his or her jib just doesn’t sit well with you.

Moving on: In casting news, the rumors about Seth Rogen taking the lead in Kevin Smith’s next project, Zach and Miri Make a Porno have actually come to fruition — the gospel chorus of angels in my subconscious are indeed doing a little jig and covering a Randy Newman number David E. Kelley style. As we wrote before, the movie is about best friends who decide to start an amateur porn studio to impress their classmates at their next high-school reunion. Rogen is set to play Miri, and Elizabeth Banks will play Zack. Filming begins in Pittsburgh soon.

Finally, there’s a new official trailer out for the J.J. Abrams produced Cloverfield, and I don’t care how much hype there is, the facts are these: It’s directed by Matt Reeves, who is heretofore most notable for writing “Felicity,” (great show, but still), The Pallbearer, and Under Seige 2; there is absolutely no name talent attached to the project; and it’s opening during a month known as a studio dumping grounds. There’s a reason this project is shrouded in secrecy: It’s because it’s gonna blow. Mark my words — if Cloverfield gets higher than 50 percent on the tomatometer, I solemnly swear never to mention Crash on this site again.

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The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | November 20, 2007 | Comments ()



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