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‘Tis the Infirmity of His Age: Yet He Hath Ever but Slenderly Known Himself. HOO-WAH!

Exit Stage Right / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 5, 2009 | Comments (46)

I’ve never actually seen Al Pacino’s Merchant of Venice, but that’s most because I’m a Shakespeare-hating plebe — when it comes to our greatest playwright, I’m part of the unwashed masses — I’d much rather watch J.D. and Turk do a little homoerotic swordfighting than spend three hours in the park watching a Shakespeare production (that said, I did see Pacino’s Looking for Richard, if only because, for a while, I wanted to be a Pacino completist — Merchant dissuaded me from that notion). I’ve tried to do it: Branagh’s Much Ado About Nothing was fun (but for Keanu), although that emboldened me to suffer through Branagh’s Hamlet. In a theater. All 242 minutes of it. That’s six hours of tedious, indecipherable English, plus intermission, which was a great time to bang my head against a brick wall. There isn’t a tub of popcorn in the world that will last you six hours.

Anyway, Pacino, who has a little man crush on William Shakespeare, has decided to reteam with his Merchant of Venice director, Michael Radford, and tackle King Lear for the big screen. Pacino will be doing something only a few very brave actors before him have attempted: Orson Welles and Laurence Olivier, for instance.

The play is about King Lear, old and retiring, who decides to split his kingdom among his three daughters. Two of the daughters kiss Lear’s ass, while a third, more loving daughter, is more honest with him. The third daughter is disinherited and banished. Ultimately, Lear … zzzzzzz.

Hey, you know what is good: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare … Abridged. You can catch it at nearly any high school in the nation at one time or another (see: I told you I’m a plebe). Check it:









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Comments

Ah, Dustin, I, too, suffered through Branaugh's EPIC "Hamlet." It wasn't bad, just.....Robin Williams? Really? Its was friggin' L-o-o-o-o-ng!! Kate was pretty, though.

I am over Pacino. He is a caricature of himself, no matter what he does anymore.

Next?

Posted by: dammitjanet at February 5, 2009 10:38 AM

I always liked King Lear. It's a bit dry in parts, but over all, one of the more tolerable shakespeare plays. I'm terrified, however, at who they'll end up casting as the daughters. It could be good, like getting Amy Adams, but there's always some retard who thinks Lindsay Lohan would make a good Cordelia, and then I would have to kill myself.

Posted by: Marra at February 5, 2009 10:38 AM

Aw, c'mon. Shakespeare's bloody, violent, and chock-full of sex and sex talk. What's not to love? My kid is reading Much Ado About Nothing in school, and she was picked to read Beatrice's part aloud. The other day she excitedly exclaimed that Shakespeare "totally knew how to lay down the burn." And she's right.

But if I had to bet on an actor who could take a good role and make it pretentious, Pacino would be my first pick.

Posted by: Wednesday at February 5, 2009 10:45 AM

I walked out of Branaugh's "Othello." It wasn't terrible, but my roommate, the other black male English major at Ohio University that year, couldn't stand Branaugh's asides to the camera. Plus, that play hangs on one of the weakest plot devices Bill ever wrote (sure, Desdemona won't notice that her prized possession, the thing she never let's out of her sight, is missing) and that drives me up a wall.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 5, 2009 10:49 AM

Can't forget Tatsuya Nakadai.

Seriously, if you feel compelled to watch King Lear, just rent Ran instead and thank me later. It's fucking beautiful.

Posted by: sansho1 at February 5, 2009 10:51 AM

http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a2505951df2bc7b011dfdf8a266015e

I happened to be in New York on a journalism school trip when "Hamlet" was in its LA/NY run. What power I felt! "I'm actually IN one of those two fucking cities for one of those bogus limited releases!". Couldn't pass it up.

I wasn't thrilled that I'd decided to later (and the concession stand down a narrow staircase in the basement was not a good layout, but the string of broken seats next to me made a good dumping ground for my coat, hat, scarf, backpack) but....I've seen worse, and "Henry V" would've been more fun. It wasn't six hours though at least.

Is the completely uncut version really that long?

Posted by: Jay at February 5, 2009 10:54 AM

I'm torn on this, if Big Grey Al was phoning it in like he has on most everything else in the last decade, the UIC potential would be off the charts.

OTOH, since this is HIS project (and a super serial one at that) he seems likely to muster all his remaining resources in doing it right and who wants more zombie Shakespeare?

All in all, I'm not likely to go, unless the right reviewers give it a positive reaction.

BTW, Dustin, I've now added the small prayer that you will be the one chosen to review this thing that should not be in my nightly incantation to the Elder Ones. Suck on Pacinospeare, you plebe.

Can I get a "BIG ASS"?!?!?

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at February 5, 2009 10:55 AM

"..(that said, I did see Pacino's Looking for Richard, if only because, for a while, I wanted to be a Pacino completist --..."

Oh OH, see NOW you went and finally went TOO far ...listen you, YOU ARE a BUM...sir. your little revolution lost, the bums lost, I suggest you do what you parents did and get a job.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 5, 2009 11:01 AM

if you feel compelled to watch King Lear, just rent Ran instead

sansho's got a point. The Noh in "Ran" and "Throne of Blood" can look a bit comical, but the anger or shock that usually goes with the abrupt movements still ends up being really compelling. Also, "Ran" is just plain ol' beautiful to look at.

Posted by: Jay at February 5, 2009 11:04 AM

People should have to have a license to produce Shakespeare. Bad Shakespeare productions have warped millions of people like Dustin, who think Shakespeare is "tedious, indecipherable English."

Here's the truth. If you saw a Shakespeare play and didn't understand it, you didn't fail, the actors failed. It's not a matter of plebe/English PhD. It's a matter of shitty work/not shitty work.

Posted by: marya at February 5, 2009 11:15 AM

Or, in all fairness, you could be dumb as a bag of hammers.

Posted by: marya at February 5, 2009 11:24 AM

If you only see one Shakespeare movie, it should be Henry V. Kenneth Branagh's version completely rips off Laurence Olivier's version, so see Olivier's instead. Oliver's version starts out with actors on stage at the Globe theater, with a live laughtrack (the audience at the Globe), and then slowly moves into real life and then ends back on stage. Branagh's version starts on a movie soundstage and moves into real life and then back to the soundstage. Not very original.

When Hubby and I went to see it in a movie theater, we were the only ones laughing at the jokes.

"Halt, who goes there?"

"Henry le Roi" (Henry the King in French)

"Is that Cornish?"

Then there's the bit where the lady in waiting is trying to teach the French princess English.

"Le and (points to the hand), Le fing-gair (points to the finger), le NI-ALLS (points to the nails while speaking in a cockey accent)."

Posted by: BWeaves at February 5, 2009 11:24 AM

Pacino's Merchant is excellent. It really puts the play into focus and doesn't shy away from the anti-semitism; if anything, it plays that aspect up much more to bring a greater sense of realism to Shylock's character arc. The supporting cast is wonderful, and the film is worth seeing for some really marvelous staging and reading of the casket scenes.

Posted by: Robert at February 5, 2009 11:28 AM

Also, I've seen two completely different versions of The Taming of the Shrew, which is supposed to be a comedy.

One was on TV and starred John Cleese, who played it straight, like it was a tragedy. There was no laugh track or live audience, and it was deadly dull and not funny at all.

The other was a poorly filmed version done in Central Park, filmed live, and starring Merrill Streep and Raul Julia. It was hilarious.

Posted by: BWeaves at February 5, 2009 11:28 AM

Hmmm, in my memory Branagh's Hamlet clocks in at around what? Four hours? Still ludicrous, but much less so than SIX.

I'm a total Hamlet nerd. Love that play up down sideways and backwards. Hamlet is sexy.
I also have an unhealthy crush on Jeremy Irons, which made Merchant worth watching to me eh.

I actually think that that Hamlet with Mel Gibson is very smartly abridged and fun. Unlike that steaming pile starring Ethan Hawke . Ugh.

Posted by: Tati at February 5, 2009 11:56 AM

I think a bigger problem than bad acting is making students just read the plays. I always tell students to get a movie to go along with it, watch something.

Posted by: Jay at February 5, 2009 11:58 AM

All 242 minutes of it. That's six hours of tedious, indecipherable English, plus intermission, which was a great time to bang my head against a brick wall.

Maybe all that headbanging you did fucked up your ability to do math.

6 x 60 = 360.

"I'm Dustin. I hate Shakespeare so much that I hate math. Ryan Reynolds' abs."

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at February 5, 2009 12:00 PM

Agree with you, Jay. Can't read the plays, but I love watching it acted out.

And some of the movies. Julie Taymor FTW.

Posted by: twig at February 5, 2009 12:01 PM

"I'm Dustin. I hate Shakespeare so much that I hate math. Ryan Reynolds' abs."

Hee hee hee.

Posted by: Julie at February 5, 2009 12:11 PM

Confession: I played Cordelia in my high school's performance of King Lear. Because of this soft spot for the piece I may have to go see Pacino's version. I think the supporting cast will be the determining factor.

Posted by: Kayanne at February 5, 2009 12:13 PM

Maybe all that headbanging you did fucked up your ability to do math. 6 x 60 = 360.

He was probably just using TV math. Hours are only 40 minutes in TV Land. 6*40 = 240.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 5, 2009 12:25 PM

I think Kenneth Branagh plays a little game while casting his Shakespeare films that is closely akin to "One of these things is not like the others." I.e. Much Ado About Nothing: Denzel Washington, Emma Thompson, Richard Briers...Keanu Reeves? Or Hamlet: Derek Jacobi, Julie Christie, Kate Winslet...Robin Williams? It's like in every movie he sticks in someone who clearly doesn't belong, just to see if we notice.

Posted by: Siege at February 5, 2009 12:27 PM

Dude, Merchant of Venice was a fantastic movie. Every performance was pitch-perfect, and Pacino really fucking ruled that part, and I admit I'm one of those that has gotten tired of his schtick. But he was perfect.

I love Shakespeare adaptations, and Lear is my favorite play, so I'm pretty damn excited about it.

And HELL YEAH to whoever mentioned Julie Taymor up there. Titus is one fucked-up genius of a movie.

Posted by: figgy at February 5, 2009 12:32 PM

If you saw a Shakespeare play and didn't understand it, you didn't fail, the actors failed. It's not a matter of plebe/English PhD. It's a matter of shitty work/not shitty work.

YES! Marya speaks the truth. Plus, Branagh's Hamlet blows pretentious goats. We get it, Hamlet is Christ. Shut up already and quit butchering the scansion.

But really, Dude. Dustin. King Lear has betrayal, sex, and a DUDE GETTING HIS EYE GOUGED OUT ONSTAGE. Seriously, it is tits.

Even the unwashed masses loved Shakespeare, Rowles. The groundlings, who stood for all four hours of an uncut Hamlet because that was the best seats they could afford, were mostly whores and drunkards. You know, Pajibans.

Get over it, and don't use Branagh's Hamlet as a measure. Lear is meant for scenery-chewers - Pacino was born for this.

Posted by: Tammy at February 5, 2009 12:33 PM

The eye gouged out! that was so fucking awesome!

Out, vile jelly!

Posted by: figgy at February 5, 2009 12:39 PM

I'm piss-my-pants excited for Lear. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!

Tammy, you forgot to mention the "naked man", and the suicide fake-out at Dover, which is probably the funniest thing I've ever read.

Posted by: Ling at February 5, 2009 12:57 PM

The groundlings, who stood for all four hours of an uncut Hamlet because that was the best seats they could afford, were mostly whores and drunkards. You know, Pajibans.

Eloquentlings?

Posted by: branded at February 5, 2009 12:57 PM

King Lear, Henry V, Richard III - all starring Olivier, for the WIN. Brilliant adaptations of the plays.

Confession - I played bit parts in MacBeth in high school and I have always loved the depth and power of Old Will's language.

And how about a little love for Hopkins in Titus Andronicus? C'mon, Pajibans - guys chopped up and baked as meat pies!

Posted by: The Wanderer at February 5, 2009 1:37 PM

King Lear is my favorite Shakey play. It is one of THE great works.

I'm not excited about Pacino getting his paws on it; but we'll see.

Olivier's Lear was the bestest ever. I also saw a teleplay starring Ian Holm that was very good.

Oh, and Branagh fucking ruined Hamlet. He sucked all the life out of the thing, rather an amazing achievement considering his co-stars.

Branagh's Henry V was terrific, seriously. Keep an eye out for Baby Christian Bale! Much Ado was merely competent. Othello was only bearable because of Fishburne. I hope Branagh leaves the rest of Shakespeare alone forevermore.

Posted by: Jerce at February 5, 2009 1:50 PM

Not sure about Pacino anymore.

Ran is definitely beautiful.

Posted by: Protoguy at February 5, 2009 2:00 PM

What about some love for Patrick Stewart as Lear?? I remember watching this in high school...one of those BBC productions with all-interior scenes (which is distracting cause most of the play takes place outside helLO).

Also, the Richard Burton/Elizabeth Taylor Taming of the Shrew is pretty damn awesome, if you're into that sort of a thing.

Posted by: AM at February 5, 2009 2:08 PM

Personally, my favourite film adaptation is Midsummer Night's Dream with Michelle Pfeifer, Kevin Kline, etc. I watch it often. I love its camp.

I must give credit to Baz, however, for turning me on to Shakes with his Rom + Jules. I now look back and sneer at it for its superficiality, but at the time, to a melodramatic grade 7 girl, it was simply genious.

Posted by: Ling at February 5, 2009 2:18 PM

Don't sneer. I too was dazzled by it as a 9th grader, but I think it still has an emotional impact that works. You gotta remember, R&J ARE overly dramatic selfish teenagers.

Posted by: AM at February 5, 2009 2:32 PM

You know what's also great? Seeing "The Complete Bible . . . Abridged" put on at a high school one-act competition in southeastern Virginia. Theater kids are a pretty open subset, but you know they lost some points from the bible-belt judges. (Still beat us though . . . not that I'm bitter or anything . . . bastards.)

To quote Eddie Izzard: "Blasphemy, Blasphe-you, Blasphe-everybody-in-the-room!"

Posted by: foursweatervests at February 5, 2009 2:38 PM

I can't say this about the whole play, but some of my favorite moments from King Lear were preformed by William Hutt in the third season of the TV show "Slings and Arrows"-he was riveting. The DVDs had extended scenes from the play, which was fantastic.

Although, some of my favorite Shakespeare moments come from all three seasons of the show.

Posted by: Amelia at February 5, 2009 2:50 PM

*small voice* um, I really really love Branagh's Hamlet.

Posted by: Ginger at February 5, 2009 2:58 PM

Ling, I LOVE that movie. It's all bright and colorful and happy, and has some of my favorite actors being awesome in it.

Tucci as Puck? Yes! Kevin Kline as Bottom? YES! CHRISTIAN BALE? YEEEES.

Posted by: figgy at February 5, 2009 3:41 PM

Thanks, Ginger, now I don't feel so lonely. I actually just bought it on DVD recently because I wore the original VHS copy out.

Posted by: Siege at February 5, 2009 4:13 PM

I'm so excited for this. I'm also kind of in love with Tammy's observation that the groundlings were Pajibans. Imagine it: proto-Pajibans in corsets, tights, and pantaloons. It just sounds so adorable.

Posted by: melligans at February 5, 2009 4:35 PM

Try Branagh's Henry V. It's got bloody swordfights and douchey French guys getting their comeuppance. And young, pre-tantrum Christian Bale! Also Henry threatens to spit babies on pikes at one point. It's not boring.

Posted by: louveciennes at February 5, 2009 4:42 PM

Shakespeare didn't really exist. Leonardo DaVinci wrote all that shit. Somebody wrote a book about it. True story.

Posted by: greer at February 5, 2009 6:06 PM

Yahweh's Fucking Shit List, man!

Put down the Ryan Reynolds spank-mags and pick up The Henriad! LEONARD, PART VI is in that, right? Don't worry, you won't learn anything.


I'm sorry, I'm a raging insomniac, and my medicine's not working. Also, people are just the worst, not...whatever. People are the worst.

And OSAP, my secret lover. Student Loans Centre screwed up my paperwork, decided 'October' means 'December', and 'mistakenly' took $500 off of me that I'll never get back. I need that money. My damn school's faculty union was on strike for three and a half months, and they didn't even give us strike pay. Because paying me way below the poverty line isn't enough? I guess it's normal to charge more in rent for graduate student housing than you dole out to them in monthly wages?

Nearly got evicted three times, and after not eating a damned crumb for two days, I get this shit:

'Oh, we apologize. You can do such-and-such to ensure that this doesn't happen again.'

(They don't just give you those kinds of permits. Man, I could lay a pain-on that would be indescribable).

Yeah, I guess my forms signed in triplicate wasn't enough proof, huh? I don't get it, they have it on record, I can SEE IT! Isn't it great when you get rewarded for making mistakes that hurt other people? When I was an air traffic controller, I'd get 20 Canadian Tire dollars for every blown engine. Sorry, huh? I'm sorry your mouth-breathing daddy didn't just let you dribble down his leg when he had the chance, taint-scratch.

Shakespeare: Maybe we'll just get John Cusack to star as Angelo in a majorly abridged version of MEASURE FOR MEASURE, and it'll take place in his childhood fucking PLAYSKOOL DOLLHOUSE!!

Or,

'Alas, Bald Piven, I knew him WELL!'

Or,

Robert Downey Jr. smirks some, whilst Alyson Hannigan eats hot coals. Well now we agree, she's RADIANT!

Don't come crying to me when they cast Shia LeBeouf and the Gossip Kids in THE MERRY MUFF-DIVES OF WINDSOR, okay?

'Yeah, we're updating it for a new, youth-oriented market. It's much sexier now, and Miley's in it. I think it's called A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S WET DREAM. Yeah, if it goes well, we'll release a college sing-a-long, called I COME, ANON. Also, Facebook. Then we'll do a Gen-Y version of DON QUIXOTE. Hilary Duff will star as Sancho Panza's steadfast mule, Dapple.'

Sceptr'ed isle, indeed.

Oh well. All's Well That Statham's Well, right?

I'm laughing, but it's a laugh of infernal, elemental rage. I'm not even laughing.

And the day will come. You'll scream, you'll gnash your teeth, you'll say 'I'll be damned if I have to live through Katy Perry's rendition of FINNEGAN'S WAKE'. Well, it's either that, or THE CANTERBURY TALES, and her Middle English isn't good. Shift those vowels, skanks!

'Addison's Interpretations of Milton, and Other Lady Gaga Specialties'

The Jonas Brothers Karamazov, or Band of Jonas Brothers (wouldn't that be delish)? Won't be my fault.

We can't just sneer down from the lofty peaks of Mount Olympus and cluck our tongues in righteous indignation about the state the hoi-polloi, and then categorically write off one of the single-greatest (literally and figuratively) influences in the Western canon for being indecipherable. Can't have you capon and eat it, too.

Granted, I hate a lot of stuff and haven't um...'gotten around' to a lot of other things, because I'm a brain-damaged lab monkey like the rest. My very SOUL needed to see Richard and Ada get blinded, maimed and tortured in BLEAK HOUSE, so, yes, I'm a wreck.

But I guess I'm just too snotty to indulge notions of maintaining the integrity of 'craft' when some also-ran spouts off on the set of ROBOT SLAP-BONANZA, if Alexander Pope is denied for being too short and couplet-y, and Achebe is too eloquent and African and shit.

READ YOUR SHAKESPEARE! Do your homework, pay my rent, endure my abuses, and get me some milk. No 1%, I don't want the udder scrapings and farmer's spit. And no skim!!! Geez, that stuff is blue, how is that milk? Gimme 2% for drinkin', and whole for funnin'. I'm not 'learning to accept my genetics' or some tired wack-ass crap.

Urrgh, fhtagn. Wack-ass rent.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 5, 2009 7:47 PM

Gotta agree with marya on the Shakespeare. When done right by knowledgeable actors and a competent director the Bard's language can come alive and possess an immediacy for an audience that no other playwright or hollywood hack can offer.

It all has to do with the words and the meter, daunting at first to figure out but not impossible to get into. I recommend reading Playing Shakespeare , a book by John Barton who was an associate director of the Royal Shakespeare Company back in the day when McKellen, Kingsley, Dench and Stewart were doing their stuff before they got known in the States. It is a good guide for actors who want to know more about the variety of ways to play Shakespeare and laymen who might want to get a better grasp of the "indecipherable English."

Not too familiar with Lear. Hamlet and the histories are my favorites. Still Pacino might actually work for his paycheck this time.

Posted by: Mr. West at February 5, 2009 10:59 PM

I saw King Lear performed by the Royal Shakespeare Company when I was on a theater-group trip to London in 11th grade. I spent the first half in agony, waiting for intermission because I had to pee. I spent the second half asleep.

Posted by: Alli at February 5, 2009 11:19 PM

Well there goes the appeal to authority in one soaked swoop.

Posted by: Mr. West at February 6, 2009 11:15 AM

You blocks! You stones! You worse than senseless things! You cruel men...(Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene I)

Posted by: Chuckv at February 9, 2009 11:30 AM