Orci and Kurtman Produce Xombie

Inching Ever Closer to a Zombie Twilight

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (17)

… and, so it turns out that, when it comes to zombie movies, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. God knows I love a good zombie movie. So say we all! But, you can really only do so much with the zombie conceit, and at some point (say, when you start raping zombies), the subgenre starts to lose its charm. Another thing: The best zombies come from hungry directors with small budgets and a lot of creativity. Usually, they don’t come from freakin’ Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, who basically own Hollywood at this point.

Granted, the duo did bring back Star Trek, churned out an unexpectedly fun studio romantic comedy, The Proposal, and gave us “Fringe.” But they’re also responsible for producing the Transformers movies, for giving us Eagle Eye, and for writing The Legend of Zorro and The Island. In other words, they’re the guys behind JJ Abrams and Michael Bay. That’s good. But it’s also bad. But in either respect, they should stay out of the zombie business.

They’re next project: Xombie. Cute name, huh? It’s about a zombie. Who is also a policeman (I hope for the zombie’s sake that he’s a fast zombie, otherwise those chase scenes won’t have a lot of suspense). The hook, here, is that Xombie comes from a former policeman turned screenwriter, Will Beall, who is basing the movie on James Farr’s graphic novel. Farr’s creation centers on a zombie cop named Dirge who attempts to saves humanity’s remnants, particularly a young girl named Zoe, from evil zombies.

Hmmm. A good zombie saving a human from evil zombies? Granted, it hasn’t been done in the zombie genre yet, but it has several times over in the vampire genre. Note, however, that zombies don’t have a sense of humanity. They are dead. They grunt. They moan. They eat brains. That’s it.

And holy shit! Does this mean we’re growing ever closer to a zombie version of Twilight? Edward, a teenage zombie, falls in love with Bella, and tries to resist eating her brains? Oh unfuck me and shoot me in the head.

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Comments

"Oh unfuck me and shoot me in the head"

Sounds like way to much work.

Posted by: dawn at September 24, 2009 11:43 AM

This sounds lieka terrible, terrible idea. Ooooh. zombies going mature. Who would;'ve thunk it? GIVE US A FUCKING BREAK. Still probably better than that Barbie movie... maybe.

Posted by: barf at September 24, 2009 11:43 AM

Note, however, that zombies don’t have a sense of humanity. They are dead. They grunt. They moan. They eat brains. That’s it.

Thank you. I have been saying this for years. Zombies do not have feelings. They do not communicate. They do not talk. Mindless, undead creatures who only want to feast on flesh.

Romero was already crossing the line with his nonsense in Land of The Dead.

I do not abide.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at September 24, 2009 11:44 AM

"Granted, the duo did bring back Star Trek,..."

Yeah, keep telling yourself that, scumbag.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 24, 2009 11:55 AM

I suppose they'll get Ice Cube or Vin Deisel to play the lead won't they.

Triple XXXombie

Posted by: admin at September 24, 2009 11:58 AM

Blah. Zombies are mindless eating machines. It's that simple. Don't make them "smartbies" or give them jobs. It's just fucking stupid. It's the one gripe I had with Shaun of the Dead (and a host of other movies). I like my zombies useless and moronic, just like my mom.

Speaking of zombies, did anyone see that Frank "I've Covered Wars" West is a playable character in the US version of Tatsunoko vs. Capcom? He fights with shopping carts, baseball bats, shovels, and zombies!. Fantastic!

Posted by: Snath at September 24, 2009 12:24 PM

"I like my zombies useless and moronic, just like my mom..."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Take THAT..."Your Mom."

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 24, 2009 12:48 PM

Oh unfuck me and shoot me in the head.

This is now my new favorite expression.

Posted by: dammitjanet at September 24, 2009 12:54 PM

Agreed. Zombies = mindless killing machines. Nothing more. Zombies don't think. They don't protect. They don't verify court documents (fucking Anita Blake!). They kill and eat flesh period.

If you are dead and you find yourself doing anything other than mindlessly slurping brains out of the nose holes of unweary passersby, you are not a zombie. Perhaps you are undead like that guy from Torchwood, perhaps you are some sort of corporeal ghost, perhaps you are a vampire with an eating disorder, but you're not a fucking zombie. You can take your X and choke on it, you bastards.

Posted by: Marra at September 24, 2009 1:03 PM

Hey!!! I reserved the rights to a zombie version of Twilight!! Stop trying to steal my thunder!

Posted by: Doctor Controversy at September 24, 2009 1:23 PM

And the horror movie nerd in me is wracking my brain for an example where this has been done before...Nope I got nothing. Unless you count the re-animated dead in Re-Animator as zombies, in which case zombie-dad does try to save his daughter.

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 24, 2009 3:07 PM

This is just wrong. We don't need to pussify supernatural beings any more than we already have, we'll all be doomed when they finally rise up, and take control of our planet.

Posted by: George at September 24, 2009 5:30 PM

For me, glittery zombies will only be entertaining if they break into a tap dancing rendition of "I am what I am", complete with cane twirling, spirit fingers, and some munching on the brains of celebutards. They're just trying to jazz up the blood splatter, people.

Posted by: redhead at September 24, 2009 9:14 PM

I can't look it up since I'm at work, but Xombie was originally a kick-ass series of flash cartoons. I watched them quite awhile ago when I was still addicted to Newgrounds.
Look them up, they're worth a watch.

Posted by: Kurdt at September 24, 2009 9:27 PM

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Posted by: Jessie at September 24, 2009 10:03 PM

What about Fido? Granted, the hero zombie wasn't exactly fighting a zombie, but still... Plus it had a dancing Carrie-Anne Moss!

Mike

Posted by: MadMike at September 24, 2009 10:35 PM

Okay, Fido was pretty awesome, but it had Billy Connolly, so it automatically wins. I even liked him in the last X-Files movie.

Posted by: Snath at September 25, 2009 10:19 AM

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Inching Ever Closer to a Zombie Twilight

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