Optimus Prime Top Ten List

Man, Do I Love Me Some Taters

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (20)

It’s been that kind of day, folks. Pervasive MJ coverage. Pervasive bitching about MJ coverage. And some small technical difficulties on the site that’s necessitated that I hit the publish button on the site every 15 minutes or so. I feel like I’m on an episode of “Lost.”

Anyway, I saw this last night on Letterman, and it’s pretty much the best thing to come out of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s “The Top 10 Things that Sound Cool When Spoken by Optimus Prime,” and they do sound cool. Revenge of the Fallen would’ve been infinitely better if Optimus had done a one-man show for two-and-a-half hours. Actually, how cool would’ve it have been if Optimus just stood on a sound stage and did a rendition of Vagina Monologues.

Really, how goddamn great would that have been?

We’ll just have to settle for this, I suppose:

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I see Optimus as more of a Anton Chekhov fan. Can't you just picture him as Yermolay Lopakhin? And Carl Weathers can play Boris Simeonov-Pischik. Add in a little rainbow killer as Varya and baby, you got yourself a stew.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at July 7, 2009 8:21 PM

Come on baby, just the tip.

Posted by: admin at July 7, 2009 8:28 PM

"PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?"

Posted by: branded at July 7, 2009 8:34 PM

Sounds cool when said by Optimus. Another one to consider:

"Y'know, we had motherfucking Orson Wells in the first Transformers movie, and they give us Michael Bay to direct us? What kind of a crock is that."

Posted by: George at July 7, 2009 8:38 PM

It would've been way cooler if it'd been RoboGeisha instead.

Posted by: Jerce at July 7, 2009 8:48 PM

Can we address the fact that I was Optimus BEFORE Michael Bay got his dirty paws on Transformers?

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 7, 2009 8:49 PM

Ummm, No. You weren't Optimus before Optimus was Optimus, Optimus.

You're just mad because people aren't talking about you in the tread. It's OK Optimus, I was.

Posted by: admin at July 7, 2009 9:00 PM

"luker" the barbarian, my theater-major self just spewed iced tea all over her laptop.

Posted by: That Girl at July 7, 2009 9:09 PM

I wasn't Optimus before Optimus but I was Optimus before Bay made Optimus Optimus.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 7, 2009 9:16 PM

"Man, its a good thing my main weapons weren't directly pilfered from wolverine, otherwise it would look like i was shamelessly being pandered to droolmonkeys."

*Michael Bay drops from the sky in a jetpack and jams a spike into the back of Prime's neck, he shuts down for a moment before jerking back to reality*

"I'm going to go nuzzle Shia LeDouche's scrote, maybe this awesome package that the Baymeister gave me will finally see a little action. O-Prime Oooooout."

Posted by: Braski at July 7, 2009 9:27 PM

I know I know that Michael Bay fucked it up so bad I know I know but I hear Optimus Prime voice and my heart goes pittersquee.

I just can't... it's like Jesus high-fiving a unicorn. With Winston Churchill and the Crocodile Hunter giving a standing ovation in the background.

So is my love for Optimus Prime.

Posted by: twig at July 7, 2009 9:28 PM

"No Luke I am your Father!"

Posted by: John W at July 7, 2009 9:34 PM

Oh, 2-D Optimus, I died a million deaths over you. That said, if they ever build an internet sex suit, I'd be happy to try it out, but only if the headphones played this man's voice. The suit wouldn't even have to function properly and it'd need a hose down, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Posted by: replica at July 7, 2009 10:51 PM

Did I say 'internet' sex suit instead of 'robot'? Oh christ, how quickly we destroy our reputations! Damn you, Prime!

Posted by: replica at July 7, 2009 10:53 PM

11) "I want to kiss you all over, and over and again. I want to kiss you all over - dunh-dunh-duhhhhh!!! - 'till the night closes in!!!"

12) "I can haz cheezburger now?"

13) "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away..."

14) "Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again."

15) "All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom in the boom-boom."

16) "Who ordered the pizza with extra...sausage?!?"

17) "The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out..."

18) "As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster."

19) "I will accept my party's nomination for President of the United States Of America."

And finally:

20) "You so easily amuse
like a pantomime
such a silent crime

You so easily abuse
lack of confidence
it's your best offense

You so easily confuse
you can't deny it
still you try to hide it

Faded
so faded
like a memory gone
there's no recollection
Faded
so faded
like a forgotten dream
further than it seems

You so hastily defy
when you think you need it
you find a way to bleed it

You so hastily deny
pleading innocence
it's your best defense

You so hastily reply
the moment that you said it
already regret it

Faded
so faded
like a memory gone
there's no recollection
Faded
so faded
like a forgotten dream
further than it seems"

Posted by: David at July 8, 2009 12:52 AM

Damn 'Lackberry'. I couldn't get the list. So I made up my own.

10. Feelings....
9. Is Optimus Prime gonna have to choke a bitch?
8. I wish I was Optimus Rhyme
7. My dick is a tail pipe. Suck it!
6. Why yes, I am a manual transmission. Wanna double clutch me?
5. Tonight on CBS - Optimus Prime Time!
4. The Super Sudzee Bomb, Miss Narr?
3. Respect my authoritah!
2. Transform THIS!
1. Michael Bay destroyed my soul.

Posted by: Odnon at July 8, 2009 2:02 AM

I don't know.....I'd find it funnier if Letterman didn't seem to be the PR-bitch for this shitty blockbuster.....

Posted by: ZeanChris at July 8, 2009 8:23 AM

How about,
"Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Louis Farrahkan, and the King children are spotlight sucking parasites"

Posted by: byjobe at July 8, 2009 9:43 AM

"I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley" (last part very very authoritative)

Posted by: Sunsneezer at July 8, 2009 10:31 AM

... my heart goes pittersquee.

I just can't... it's like Jesus high-fiving a unicorn. With Winston Churchill and the Crocodile Hunter giving a standing ovation in the background.

Twig - FTW

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 8, 2009 11:41 AM

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Man, Do I Love Me Some Taters

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