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One of These 10 New Movie Posters Actually Makes Me Want to See the Movie. Can You Identify It? (Hint: It's Not the Ones with X in the Title)

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (53)

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(Source: Movie Meanings)

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(Source: Collider)

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(Source: Collider)

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(Source: Facebook)

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Comments

"The real crime is not committing to your dreams."

I don't . . . I can't . . . FLAMES, ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE . . .

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 9, 2011 12:03 PM

So thanks for making me feel like I'm a horrible human being. I laughed at the Smurfs poster.

Posted by: Em at March 9, 2011 12:06 PM

Detention! Looks like a Dustin-approved film, especially with the presence of Dane Cook.

Posted by: Julie at March 9, 2011 12:07 PM

Trick question. I don't think you're looking forward to any of them based on these posters. Or if you are, I have to question your taste. These are terrible. Except maybe Detention, because there is the possibility of seeing Dane Cook eviscerated.

Posted by: Reba at March 9, 2011 12:11 PM

Are these real? Those X Men ones are dreadful.

Posted by: Carrie at March 9, 2011 12:12 PM

That Hoodwinked sequel appears to missing many of the names that made the first film so enjoyable: David Ogden Stiers, Patrick Warburton and Anne Hathaway.

Still, at least it's in 3D. Phew!

Posted by: Simon at March 9, 2011 12:18 PM

I was excited to see Keanu in a new movie, with Vera Farmiga and James Caan no less. The poster's looking alright, some interesting stuff, and then...holy shit, that's one of the worst tag lines I've ever seen for a movie, ever.

The only poster worth anything here is the one with Michael Fassbender. And I know in my heart that movie will be terrible.

Posted by: ChristianH at March 9, 2011 12:24 PM

Hoodwinked Too! poster looks like it was drawn by a high school senior for an "Invent a Sequel for a Mediocre CGI Movie" class project.

Posted by: Paul Southworth at March 9, 2011 12:25 PM

BAHAHAHA the X-Men posters look like those terrible Yearbook photos from the 70s where you had the person posing in hideous clothes and hair and then a BIGGER version of them in the background, all soft focus and creepy as shit. AND THE PHOTOS ARE IN THEIR CROTCHES WHAT THE HELL.

The Smurfs one looks morbid. Like they're being decapitated. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, but...think of the children.

Jeebus, when the only one of these that looks alright is the Vin Diesel monstrosity, you're in trouble.

Posted by: figgy at March 9, 2011 12:26 PM

Common! I can't be the only one here who is looking forward to The Smurfs!

...Then again, this is the *only* "Western" show the Soviets allowed in my country, so there is a slight possibility that my love for this cartoon is exaggerated to embarrassing proportions.

Posted by: Scully at March 9, 2011 12:28 PM

Shit! I just noticed I forgot to put in the one that I actually liked. It's been added. Maybe you can figure it out now.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at March 9, 2011 12:29 PM

James Caan looks like he has no pants on.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at March 9, 2011 12:31 PM

The X-Men ones belong in Regretsy.

Posted by: sars at March 9, 2011 12:31 PM

"I didn't sell out, son, I bought in."


I don't really plan on watching any of these.

Posted by: Candee at March 9, 2011 12:33 PM

Hee. You're so pretty, Dustin.

I'd say that one at least looks decent. Stupid tagline, though.

Posted by: figgy at March 9, 2011 12:35 PM

Posted by: Nimue at March 9, 2011 12:35 PM

Do you mean "The Greatest Movie Ever Sold" because that is the only one close to passable. And I still don't care.

Posted by: TylerDFC at March 9, 2011 12:35 PM

If I ignore Dane Cook, Detention at least looks in line with my b movie slasher guilty pleasure. The X-men posters are awful, and remind me of the Chun Li Street Fighter "faces in a silhouette" poster.

Posted by: Markus at March 9, 2011 12:39 PM

I... want to do dirty things to Morgan Spurlock. I can't explain it. The mustache is SO stupid, and yet... and yet...

As long as I'm grossly oversharing, I'll also add that I'm totally going to see Source Code and I'll probably watch Bad Teacher one day, too.

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at March 9, 2011 12:50 PM

I don't understand. Is he making a movie about product placement that's financed entirely by product placement?

Posted by: Paultera at March 9, 2011 1:02 PM

The Bad Teacher poster scared and confused the hell out of me, so I looked up the trailer. Fat Jason Segel, Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake? Didn't they break up like 5 years ago? How long has this piece of shit been sitting on a shelf....

Posted by: Ajoy at March 9, 2011 1:05 PM

When I saw the Fassbender poster (he's Magneto, I assume) I totally thought it was a picture of James Callis. And the Magneto silhouette makes it look like he has horns. Magneto doesn't have horns, right?

Posted by: Three-nineteen at March 9, 2011 1:08 PM

Bad Teacher looks pretty frigging great, I'm afraid to say.

And there's something appropriate after scrolling past Morgan Spurlock's naked torso to the "GET RIPPED IN 3 WEEKS WITH THIS ONE WEIRD TIP, 15 foods to NEVER EAT!!!1" ad beneath... damn, now I want a big mac without meat. Do they make those?

And I don't know if this topic's been touched on before, but shouldn't the Academy be giving out awards like "Best Graphic Design Identity", "Best Title Design" or "Best Poster"? Perhaps we could use a Film Advertising Council award ceremony all on its own. That shit would be crack for me.

Posted by: seed at March 9, 2011 1:10 PM

I just now noticed the Hoodwinked cast. Cheech and Chong are just being billed as a duo now? Not even their full names? That's sad.

Posted by: Paultera at March 9, 2011 1:11 PM

"In Soviet Russia, Smurfs blue you!"

These all look pretty vile to me (why is Smurfette presenting?), but I think Dustin is likely all excited by the Bad Teacher poster, if only because he has some residual 1980's Van Halen issues to work through.

Posted by: Groundloop at March 9, 2011 1:17 PM

The Bad Teacher poster is an embarrassing attempt to make Diaz appear naked.
And The Source Code... yikes!

Oddly, Fast & Furious 5 is the most visually striking to my eyes. Except of course for Vin Diesel's apparent scoliosis.

Posted by: Scott at March 9, 2011 1:18 PM

Hoodwinked Too: Also Hoodwinked!

[muffled gunshot/wet splatter]

Posted by: superasente at March 9, 2011 1:22 PM

the pitufo subway massacre doesn't really seem that kid friendly, but might do well with teens.

Posted by: idleprimate at March 9, 2011 1:29 PM

Why are the X-Men posters the WORST movie posters I have ever seen in my entire life? It looks absolutely abysmal. Why did they think that would be a good idea? It was a terrible idea. Or rather the idea got horribly misconstrued by whoever designed the poster. I can't get over how bad this posters are...am I the only one? Like, these posters are awful. Just awful.

That being said, considering my documentary craving lately, I'm pretty excited for The Greatest Movie Ever Sold. Though I got to say, Cameron Diaz still hot.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at March 9, 2011 1:34 PM

and for how long now have parents everywhere been clamouring to have cheech and chong in a kid's movie. Finally, the studios get it.

Posted by: idleprimate at March 9, 2011 1:34 PM

Bad Teacher?

Posted by: Jadine at March 9, 2011 1:36 PM

The only thing here that remotely seems interesting is Keanu Reeves + Vera Farmiga (yay!) + James Caan, and yet, as others have pointed out, the tagline = TERRIBLE.

Also, the arrows pointing at "theater" and "bank" seem to indicate that the plot is, he (or she?) works in a bank, but they really want to... wait for it.... ACT! Oh, can I break the golden handcuffs of a bi-weekly paycheck and (possibly at least shitty partial health insurance) to follow my dreams and be a struggling AR-TISTE??? Ugh.

Posted by: MM at March 9, 2011 1:45 PM

Posted by: figgy at March 9, 2011 1:55 PM

those are terrifying. their like promos for a new show that crosses the six million dollar man with america's most wanted: Robo Disco Death Machine

Posted by: idleprimate at March 9, 2011 2:01 PM

Oh, sure, add Bad Teacher after I comment. That, at least, make this post somewhat sensical. Though I would still like to see Dane Cook eviscerated, if someone can manage that.

Posted by: Reba at March 9, 2011 2:09 PM

"Shit! I just noticed I forgot to put in the one that I actually liked. It's been added. Maybe you can figure it out now. "

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at March 9, 2011 12:29 PM


HAHAHHAHAHAH! I knew it was a no win situation.

I'm going for "Lost Pitifuls (sic)" because they're either being decapitated or defenestrated (and I don't get to use those words very often).

Posted by: BWeaves at March 9, 2011 2:12 PM

Call me crazy, but I like the Fast & Furious Five poster. I enjoy the over-exposed faux-gritty texture, Vin's BIG ASS GUN, and the fact that the poster is selling it as a duo movie, not an ensemble--because the ladies are turning out for the homoeroticism. Will they finally declare their love for each other? Or must we wait for 2 Six 2 Furious?

Also, be still my beating heart, they WROTE OUT THE TITLE! Hallelujah!

But oh God, that Photoshopping is poor. In such a close-up shot, two subjects with a 6 foot difference in distance to the camera cannot BOTH be in focus! (Also, Walker isn't to scale.) Grrrrrrrr.

Posted by: Joanna at March 9, 2011 2:29 PM

What a depressing post. Is anybody else just straight up depressed? For me it started with the 1st poster. Stupid tags written everywhere, old-ass James Caan, & that corpulent, cheesedick tagline. I'm surprisingly unaffected by the 2nd poster, which thusly marks my disinterest in that franchise; never seen a single one of 'em. Moving on: the Source Code poster just reminds me of how much less I like Moon now that I discovered its centralized plot hole; I am depressed. My heavy heart is given a brief respite by LOS PITUFOS!, after which I'm forced to wonder where they bought that "subway passengers" sheet of wallpaper that they photographed for that poster.

The Bad Teacher poster elicits in me a depression rooted only in dumb Photoshopping; this time it's the apple. The Detention poster offers another respite in its suggestion that the film is about a skull wearing a bear costume that terrorizes a school. To continue, the X-Men posters are perhaps the most depressive of the lot, destructive combinations of poor design, insipid Photoshopping, & a reminder of the continued pillaging & bastardization of the X-Men of my youth. As for Hoodwinked, the catalyst for my further sinking spirit is, quite simply, that beaver standing on the logo. "TWO!" kill me now. Lastly, Morgan Spurlock's hairline, mustache, & *barf* naked, emblazoned body nails shut the coffin of my despair. My joy depleted, I die alone, save for the fleeting images of these godawful movie posters.

Posted by: the new transported man at March 9, 2011 2:31 PM

A double feature of Bad Teacher and Detention would be interesting. They are the only interesting posters.

And the Keanu poster may be the worst photoshop job I've ever seen. I think I could do better with some magazine photos and some scissors in a dark room while smoking crack.

Posted by: ed newman at March 9, 2011 2:31 PM

Is it none of them? Because these are all awful.

Posted by: camytaru at March 9, 2011 2:49 PM

Headline: "Reeves Reprises 'Whoa!'"

Again...

Posted by: Recondite at March 9, 2011 3:49 PM

Bad Teacher got me too. I'm easy.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at March 9, 2011 4:05 PM

I'll probably see most of these.

Posted by: Steph at March 9, 2011 4:17 PM

You know how a lot of posters these days are way over-photoshopped and there's too much detail and they look like a textured cartoon? That Keanu poster is the opposite of that. It looks like a first grade class project. I'm pretty sure the handwritten parts are Elmer's glue.

Posted by: Paultera at March 9, 2011 4:31 PM

One huge steaming pile of cinematic cow crap ahoy. Fuck you Hollywood. Fuck you very much.

Posted by: Mr. Stitch at March 9, 2011 5:04 PM

Is the Hoodwinked one a ripoff of Goonies or an homage? It sucks either way.

Posted by: Arran at March 9, 2011 6:22 PM

What the hell does the Detention poster say? Lance your future? What? God, I'm too old for this shit.

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at March 9, 2011 8:47 PM

CANCEL. It says cancel! You may all go about your business now, I've figured it out.

You're welcome.

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at March 9, 2011 8:49 PM

Yeah... No...!

Posted by: Sarah J-Town at March 10, 2011 2:13 AM

I will not see "Bad Teacher." You will not make me like Cameron Diaz. Bitch feeds popcorn to the Evil Empire. Yuck the Fankees.

Posted by: , at March 10, 2011 10:11 AM

Check out Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/hoodwinkedtoo

Posted by: SusieQ at March 10, 2011 2:31 PM

Seed wrote: ...And there's something appropriate after scrolling past Morgan Spurlock's naked torso to the "GET RIPPED IN 3 WEEKS WITH THIS ONE WEIRD TIP, 15 foods to NEVER EAT!!!1" ad beneath... damn, now I want a big mac without meat. Do they make those?

dude, I'd settle for a Big Mac made with REAL meat, not the cat-regurgitated spam they pass off as food.

Ok, now that my gratifying Mickey D's bashing is done for the day, the only movie featured here that i'm even remotely interested in seeing is Jake Gyllenhaal's "Source Code", because it reminds me of "Inception", which i am still completely in awe of. it's also directed by David Bowie's son, who helmed the very impresssive "Moon" starring Sam Rockwell. So i'm excited to see if he can take his talent to the next level.

Posted by: Brian Kehinde at March 10, 2011 2:37 PM

The fact that the ad department felt the need to put quotation marks around the letter "F" in the tagline for Bad Teacher embodies almost every single thing that's wrong with Hollywood.

Posted by: gbeenie at March 10, 2011 6:24 PM