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Nothing Says Confidence Like a Clean Vagina

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (43)

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  • Will Forte is leaving “SNL,” or he was fired. Either way, he won’t be back next season. So long, MacGruber and a half a dozen other skits that weren’t very funny. You’ll be missed, but not really.

  • So, they’ve apparently cast Tom Cruise’s sidekick for the next Mission Impossible, and it’s a great choice: Jeremy Renner. He was picked, apparently, because in future installments of the franchise, Cruise’s role may diminish, and Renner seems like the kind of guy that could move into the central role. I agree. (Deadline) Moreoever, the next movie likely won’t called called Mission Impossible IV. It’s more likely to be a complete reboot, with a different title. In fact, word is that the next installment won’t deal with a team of operatives; it’ll mostly focus on just Cruise and Renner. (Variety via Playlist). You know what? I don’t even care. All you had to say was Renner, plus director Brad Bird (Iron Giant, The Incredibles), and I’m sold.

  • I Love You, Phillip Morris, the Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor gay dramedy that’s had a hell of a time finding distribution over the last two years, will finally be released on December 3rd. Mark your … you know what? Don’t worry about it.

  • This is not movie related. Just a PSA for the Ladies: Next time you ask your boss for a raise, some friendly advice from your pals over at Summer’s Eve: Wash your vagina first. Nothing says confidence like a clean vagina. (Jezebel)

  • Stephen Dorff and Maria Bello have signed on to the indie thriller, Carjacked, about a single mother and her child who are carjacked by a thief who has no intention of letting them go. (The Wrap)

  • And don’t forget to pack Summer’s Eve cleansing cloths in your purse, for that fresh pick-me up throughout the day. Or, in case you spill coffee on your vagina. (Jezebel)

  • Nicholas D’Agosto (Fired Up, “Heroes”), Ellen Wroe and Meghan Ory have joined the cast of 5nal Destination, a 3D exploration of the male prostate. (BD)

  • Charming Potato, his wife, Jenna Dewan (Step Up); pals Anna Faris and her husband, Chris Pratt; Chris Pine; and Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights) are joining the cast of “Ten Year, an ensemble drama about friends reuniting a decade after their graduation. Jamie Linden (We Are Marshall) is penning the script. (THR)

  • James Wan is set to direct an adaptation of the graphic novel, Nightfall. (Deadline)

  • On the day of an important meeting, don’t forget to eat a healthy breakfast. It does wonders for your vagina. (Jezebel)

  • The Dudes who wrote Kung Fu Panda are now the dudes who will write the Karate Kid sequel. (THR)

  • Dora the Explorer has been on for 10 years now. And since 2002, it has generated $11 billion in worldwide sales. Hooray? (Yahoo)

  • Christopher McQuarrie (The Usual Suspects) is adapting the British mini-series Unforgiven for the American screen. The script is being tailored for Angelina Jolie. (Is that mini-series any good? Because that’s just what I need: Another British series to add to my growing list). (Deadline)

  • Worried that you’ll get pasta sauce stains on your vagina during your workday lunch break? Don’t sweat it. That’s what Summer’s Eve Cleansing Cloths were designed especially for. And failing that, just Shout it out with Shout® Advanced Stain-Lifting Foam. Feel that burn? That means it’s working!









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    Comments

    My friends collect 1940s magazines and one ad suggested that you cleanse you ladybits with Lysol. Apparently, your husband will love it!

    Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 27, 2010 11:11 AM

    • Can I spill bacon on my vagina? I feel like that will heighten my desirability.

    Posted by: Julie at August 27, 2010 11:14 AM

    Sorry Dustin, but Will Forte was the best part of SNL ever since Samberg got boring. The guy's a freaking genius. MacGruber!

    Posted by: Chayes at August 27, 2010 11:17 AM

    "Great job on the XXX project!"

    What the fuck???

    Posted by: Kballs at August 27, 2010 11:19 AM

    I hate those damn summers eve commercials... I have NEVER in all my 30 years EVER needed to use that nasty stuff... apparently it can cause you to go all glitter gultch down in taco town... and my lady bits are just FINE as is...

    Posted by: SaucyWench at August 27, 2010 11:19 AM

    What? Forte? What about Bill Hader? Jason Sudeikis? Kristen Wiig? I will not abide!

    Posted by: Dustin Rowles at August 27, 2010 11:20 AM

    Mrs. Julien:

    In several African cultures, they use large leaves to dry out the vagina so that the man's sexual pleasure is enhanced. By all accounts it's quite painful for the woman, but worse than that, the dried out tissue is prone to tearing thereby increasing the odds of contracting HIV from the man by a significant percentage.

    Posted by: PaddyDog at August 27, 2010 11:25 AM

    You know, if I carjacked a car that had Maria Bello in it, I, too, would have no intention of letting her go. So, I sympathize with the guy.

    I'd pretty much kick the kid to the curb though.

    Posted by: Forbiddendonut at August 27, 2010 11:26 AM

    Oh god, Charming Potato in a movie about graduation?

    Chris Pine: So, Stockard Channing, what have you been up to since graduation?

    Yukon Dolt: Grumble grumble go joe grumble...

    Anna Faris: *engage maximum bubbly attitude* Hey guys, do you remember our senior play? I was "whatever", you were "whatever", what part did you get Spuds McCantAct?

    NOT Wentworth Miller: Grumble "brick facade" grumble grumble and "tree in forest at night" grumble...


    Posted by: D-Day at August 27, 2010 11:27 AM

    I have referred to Will Forte as "That Guy I Hate" for years.

    My Friend: "Did you see that sketch towards the end wit-"

    Me: "That Guy I Hate? Hell no."

    p.s. Except in Jon Bovi. But that's just the overwhelming Sudeikis aura washing everything clean.

    Posted by: coveredinbees at August 27, 2010 11:27 AM

    Hmm, I had an important meeting with my boss today, and I chose to wear sexy panties, as a no-one-knows-but-me confidence booster. But I didn't think to give the Excellent Adventure* any special attention. Good thing it was a teleconference call!

    *Bill and Ted got the comfy bra, nothing fun*

    Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 27, 2010 11:32 AM

    You know what doesn't do wonders for my vagina?

    Mentions of Tom Cruise.

    Posted by: penelope at August 27, 2010 11:33 AM

    Jebus, PaddyDog, they may as well just put sand in it.

    Posted by: admin at August 27, 2010 11:34 AM

    I'm smelling a trend in today's Trade News, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

    Posted by: branded at August 27, 2010 11:36 AM

    You can put your finger on it, but you have to take her to dinner and a movie first.

    Posted by: coveredinbees at August 27, 2010 11:38 AM

    When did that happen? Oh, how I long for the days when you just paid the hooker and got the job done. This new etiquette is just getting out of hand.

    Posted by: admin at August 27, 2010 11:42 AM

    how I long for the days when you just paid the hooker and got the job done. This new etiquette is just getting out of hand.

    If you liked it then you shouldn't a' put a ring on it? Uh-oh ooh uh oh?

    Posted by: D-Day at August 27, 2010 11:45 AM

    Jesus Suffering Fuck Paddy Dog! I had just recovered from the Serbia movie review.

    @SaucyWench "can cause you to go all glitter gultch down in taco town"

    Fuck the what does that mean? Will it look like a Twilight vampire in the sun? Because that sounds kind of alluring.

    Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 27, 2010 11:46 AM

    I find it's a lot easier to put your finger on it if you distract them with a Dora the Explorer doll first.

    Posted by: Tracer Bullet at August 27, 2010 11:47 AM

    LOL Mrs. Julien... no sparkly twilight jag... glitter gultch=DRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
    taco town=lady bits

    Posted by: SaucyWench at August 27, 2010 11:54 AM

    The last time I put a finger on it, it was with Molesto Bear.

    Posted by: peanut at August 27, 2010 12:03 PM

    My brother used to be married to a woman who had an IQ that hovered around room temperature. One day she was telling me this story about a friend who was upset because the dog kept chewing the crotch out of her jeans every time she put them in the laundry. But she had given her GREAT advice on how to stop the problem -- she told her friend to douche.

    So obvious. And here I thought it would have been simpler to you know, wear underwear or even (gasp!) move the laundry basket out of the dog's reach. Clearly, I am out of touch with the fantastic benefits of douching.

    Posted by: Wednesday at August 27, 2010 12:03 PM

    So what will President Obama be doing today to commemorate Clean Vagina Day?

    Posted by: John W at August 27, 2010 12:04 PM

    I'm smelling a trend in today's Trade News, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

    You can put your finger on it, but you have to take her to dinner and a movie first.

    Hilarious. I can't read this page at work. I had NO idea a clean vagina was essential to a raise. I'll keep it in mind since I'm due for a raise this year.

    I like Will Forte! I think he'll be missed. He's a funny dude, he just needs to sit down and write a bit instead of doing skits.

    Posted by: Jessica at August 27, 2010 12:06 PM

    "apparently it can cause you to go all glitter gultch down in taco town... "

    -Soooo, it's like getting Vajazzled? Does Jennifer Love Hewitt know about this yet?

    Posted by: bleujayone at August 27, 2010 12:07 PM

    Stephen Dorff and Maria Bello have signzzzzzzzzz......

    OK what's with all the vagina links? STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR VAGINA, DUSTIN.

    Posted by: figgy at August 27, 2010 12:19 PM

    I will respect Will Forte for being willing to do some really weird shit. Like the closet organizer guy. Also- that Spelling Bee sketch that he did was pretty ballsy.

    Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at August 27, 2010 12:24 PM

    My college boyfriend and I liked to play a game he called "just the fingertip." It never ended well.

    Posted by: coveredinbees at August 27, 2010 12:32 PM

    I've missed you, lobster. ^_^

    Posted by: Patty O'Green at August 27, 2010 12:39 PM

    Renner was a casting coup. Mainly for the fact he's actually shorter than Cruise. No more boxes for Tommyboy, nor holes dug for the co-star during closeups!

    Posted by: Old Guy at August 27, 2010 12:41 PM

    Back atcha, rock lobstah! I'm funemployed again! Can you tell? Ah, seasonal work!

    Posted by: coveredinbees at August 27, 2010 12:46 PM

    Okay I find this the funniest joke on the entire website, and I'm sure it's completely unintentional.

    At the top of the page, where you can scroll over stuff like;

    "REVIEWS" / "GUIDES" / "LINKS"

    They all reveal little picklists when you put your cursor on them (dur).

    But all they waaaaay to the right of these, there's the tab for "Sex".

    And all it says when you put your cursor over it (in my browser) is the very plainly worded, beige block of text that says "lost".

    Pajiba, everybody.

    Posted by: D-Day at August 27, 2010 1:14 PM

    the giggles. they flow like rivers.

    Posted by: buttercup at August 27, 2010 1:17 PM

    AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING TROLLING FOR SEX ON THE INTERNET?

    Posted by: coveredinbees at August 27, 2010 1:24 PM

    1. I nominate the "finger/vagina" posts for an EE win.

    2. Remember when Lysol was recommended for douching, not gargling?

    http://jezebel.com/5389450/for-complete-feminine-hygiene-rely-on-lysol

    3. Actually, I explained douching to darling hubby as gargling down there.

    4. Remember FDS (Feminine Deoderant Spray)? They took it off the market when they discovered it causes numbness of the tongue.

    5. You know that TV commercial for Chef Robert who cooks gourmet food for his dog, Bailey? Bullshit. Dogs will eat their own shit. Dogs will eat the crotch out of your creamed jeans. Dogs don't need no fookin gourmet dogfood.

    Posted by: BWeaves at August 27, 2010 2:45 PM

    My vagina smells awesome, but thanks for asking, Summer's Eve. If I wanted it to smell like air freshener, I'd stick a Glade up in there.

    Posted by: marya at August 27, 2010 2:52 PM

    Actually, most douches are vinegar and water, so you actually smell like a lite vinegarette.

    My mom used to douche with an enema bag full of boiling water. I'm surprised she was able to conceive.

    Posted by: BWeaves at August 27, 2010 4:34 PM

    Will Forte is a knitter. I like that in a man...

    Posted by: GreenMyEyes at August 27, 2010 5:46 PM

    As an antidote to all the vagina-speak, I would just like to point out that James Wan is as cute as fuck. Have no idea about his abilities as a director, though.

    Posted by: Drake at August 27, 2010 6:47 PM

    There's an old story from Vanity Fair (I'm fairly certain; oh, I can't resist stupid puns) about how Dennis Hopper, Natalie Wood and other movie-star-types of that ilk were at a party one night. Natalie decides she wants to "freshen up" for the orgy that will most likely ensue... She fills up a bathtub full of champagne and then settles her twat down sumptuously among the bubbles...

    The champagne burned her twa-booty so badly that she leapt up, screaming and ran through the house naked.

    The article never fully-explained whether it was the alcohol or the carbonation that chapped Natalie's ass so much. I won't try this at home, so I don't know either.

    I bet she felt really clean afterwards, though. I mean, isn't alcohol used to clean things?

    Posted by: Stinky at August 27, 2010 8:35 PM

    Marya, "Plug-Ins" work better. They're "heat-activated."

    Posted by: Stinky at August 27, 2010 8:46 PM

    and my lady bits are just FINE as is...

    Posted by: SaucyWench at August 27, 2010 11:19 AM
    --
    I'll be the judge of that.

    *picks up forceps*

    Posted by: , at August 28, 2010 1:33 AM

    5nal Destination, a 3D exploration of the male prostate.

    I thought Anal Destination was the first 3D, big-budget porn film. I was looking forward to seeing it in the IMAX theater at the local museum.

    Posted by: Uriah Creep at August 28, 2010 4:23 AM