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July 31, 2006 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 31, 2006 |

Item #1: You know what’s great?! Fish-out-of-water comedies! They’re hilarious. Like Juwanna Man, where the NBA basketball player cross-dresses and plays for the WNBA. Ha! Or when an inexperienced bachelor has to play father figure, as in The Pacifier, which was, like, one of the greatest comedies. Evah! Oooh. Oooh. Or remember Encino Man, the classic Pauly Shore flick where Brendan Fraser plays a caveman who is unfrozen and has to cope with living in California! But don’t forget the greatest fish-out-of-water comedy of all time: Little Man, about a midget who pretends to be an infant in order to steal back some loot. Laugh riot! If there were only some way to get Pauly Shore, Adam Sandler, and the Wayans brothers in one film, I’d, like, die! Many, many, many times over. But until then, we’ll just have to deal with Anna Faris’ newest foray into fish-out-of-waterdom, an untitled project produced by, like, the greatest production company in the world: Happy Madison, which is responsible for more fish out of water than a boat off the New England coast. The film is about a naïve centerfold model, played by Faris, who is forced to take a job as a house mother for the lamest, dorkiest sorority house at UCLA. I know it’s a lot to ask of Happy Madison Productions, but if there is any way you could do a crossover with Sorority Boys that would, like, make all of my dreams come true! Please! Please! Please! Puhlease! — Dustin Rowles

Item #2: As those of you skilled enough to click your little mouses and read what’s in front of you have no doubt learned already, I kinda dig the past TV works of Sarah Michelle Gellar. Granted, her slowly crumbling role on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” eventually just got really self-righteous and boring but, for a while there, she was really good. At first I thought, as many others probably did, that it was merely coincidental that a girl who’d made her name in thrillers was expanding her filmography into, um, thrillers. Sure, every now and then there’d be a Cruel Intentions or Scooby-Doo to make us think she had range (I guess), but her burgeoning filmography looks awful repetitive: The Grudge, The Grudge 2, The Return. Any script involving Japanese ghosts and vague titles gets sent right to her door. So I guess it’s no surprise that her next project is going to be Addicted, a thriller about a woman whose husband goes into a coma after a car wreck and — …. Look, it’s going to be moderately suspenseful, full of quick cuts, and Gellar will probably scream at something/someone. That’s all you need to know. — Daniel Carlson

Item #3: In zombie-related news, George Romero — who is coming off of his fourth zombie flick, Land of the Dead — is set to write and direct Diary of the Dead. George, however, is getting a little cute this time, as the plot follows a group of college students that go out to the woods to film a horror movie only to inadvertently come upon an actual zombie rising. The students, not to be thwarted by brain eaters, capture the undead in a “cinema verite” style, which leads to a number of production headaches, not least of which is that the meta-zombie film has now been made almost as many times as the traditional zombie film. Still, it’s Romero, so it’s definitely worth a look. Elsewhere, Blue Star and Mandalay Pictures have optioned T.S. Faull’s Living Dead Girl, about a zombie who rises from the dead to track down her killer. She, of course, is aided by a funeral director who has a thing for dead women. Though no one has yet been attached, I think Mandalay would save a lot of money in make-up costs if they just hire Nicole Ritchie to play the female zombie — just apply a little blood and drool, and you’re ready to go. — DR

Item #4: Fresh off hating himself, the always-drunk-looking Dermot Mulroney (who’s not Dylan McDermott; trust me, I Googled it) has signed on for maybe the saddest project in the Hollywood pipeline, and by sad I mean depressing that the film is actually being made. Yes, in the latest sign that Hollywood ran out of ideas sometime around the time I was eating paste and wearing Velcro shoes, Mulroney is set to star in Gracie, a film based on the real-life story of actors Elisabeth and Andrew Shue. Mulroney will play the father of the titular Gracie, a young girl who wants to join a boys’ soccer team. Both Shues also have roles. Picturehouse is set to release the film next summer, which I guess means the Four Horsemen should be saddling up by May. — DC

Item #5: OK, seriously, the world is coming crashing down around us and there’s not a damn thing that any one of us can do about it. Earlier this week, word came down that Kevin Federline would be appearing on “CSI” this fall. And not as a corpse, mind you, but with a full speaking part and everything. This news burnt my britches, but it didn’t get me into any kind out of an uproar, since I don’t actually watch the “CSI.” But now comes word that K-Fed is going to appear on three episodes of my little lover “Entourage.” What. The. Fuck? I understand the typecasting, insofar as he will be playing some celebrity’s deadbeat husband. But seriously, you can’t throw a punch in Los Angeles without hitting an actor in need of work, and I guarantee that any single one of them gives a better performance busing the table at their day job than Federline could ever give. If anyone needs me, I’ll be bashing my head repeatedly with an iron, trying to fall into a blessed state of concussion. Popozao! — Seth Freilich

Item #6: Though the name, Vince Papale, and the team, the Philadelphia Eagles, were about the only things actually true about Invincible, the film managed to reach No. 1 over the weekend, grossing a decent $17 million. Talladega Nights scored another $8 million to land at No. 2, bringing its total to $127 million. The big surprise, however, is that Little Miss Sunshine leaped to No. 3, with a deservingly sweet $7 million. Both Beerfest and Idlewild, however, kind of stunk it up, landing in fourth and ninth places, respectively.

We wish we had something better to bring you this weekend; unfortunately, the new releases are about what you expect for the first weekend of September, the seasonal dumping grounds ahead of fall’s releases. First up, Nicolas Cage stars in the remake of Wicker Man, and may actually manage to make it more painful to watch than the original. Jason Statham stars in Crank, another one of those interchangeable action flicks that will be forgotten by Saturday. Crossover is a basketball movie getting a release nowhere near basketball season, but it does feature Wayne Brady. Finally, the one highlight of the weekend: Mike Judge returns to the director’s chair for the first time since Office Space with Idiocracy. Unfortunately, it’s only opening in limited release, so most of America will have to wait to see how harshly Judge mocks us. — DR

No Weezing the Pa-jiba!

The Weekly Trade Round-Up / The Pajiba Staff

Industry | July 31, 2006 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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