Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

“Scrubs” The Todd Discusses the Latest Horror Franchise Reboot

Super Freddy Five! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 13, 2009 | Comments (34)

You folks are pretty excited about the Friday the 13th remake coming out today, aren’t you? Yeah. I can totally feel all that positive energy through my computer monitor. It burns a little. You might want to temper that a bit — you don’t want to start any fires. Hmm mmm. Jared Padalecki, right? Know what I’m saying? A little Jason Voorhies. Probably a new origins story. A little mayhem. A couple, three dead teenagers. Some of that play the machete on the teenager’s forehead? Oh yeah. You’re feeling it. Come on, now. Bite that lower lip like you mean it. You’re rocking the head bob, huh? Listening to your Snow Patrol, amping yourself up for a night out with your lay-dee. Uh huh. A little “Chasing Cars”? Huh, huh. Am I right? Good song. “If I lay heeere … ” I’m right there with you, buddy. Gonna get her nice and scared and then crawl on up in her clam. Oh yeah. She’s gonna like that. Maybe crack out that Voorhies mask you’ve been hiding in your closet the last decade, put it on while she’s visiting the powder room. Then when she comes out, you be rocking nothing but that mask and a cock ring. I’m feeling that. Psycho-killer high five! Up high! Two times!

You know what’d impress her more? Freddy Krueger. Oh yeah. That dude was cold. He snuck up on in your dreams and messed with your noodle. Remember that time he sucked good old Jack Sparrow through the mattress and sprayed the ceiling with his guts. Suh-weet! That’s a motherfucker you don’t want to fall asleep around. Feelin’ me? Yeah, you’re feeling me. I heard he fucked your Mom once. Ha ha ha. No. I’m just kidding. That was me. Mom joke five!

So, listen. You know what I heard today? I heard they’re doing that whole reboot thing with Nightmare on Elm Street now. Pretty cool, huh? Now that’s a movie you can take your lady to on Valentine’s Day if you want to treat her right. Know what I’m saying? Yeah, you do. Take your lady somewhere nice — none of that McD’s shit. No sir. You take that bitch to Arby’s. Get her a nice roast beef, and sneak in a box of wine. That’s a dream date, dude. Ain’t no woman won’t love a man after that. I think I might love you a little. You diggin’ me? Wazzup Five!

I also heard they got this dude name Samuel Bayer to direct the reboot. Mmm hmmm. Never heard of the guy. He did that music video for Nirvana. You know the one. With the mulattos. Yeah. That one. Totally overrated. Dude also did some Blink 182 videos, and that I can respect. Those guys are off the hook! Freddy Kreuger five! Now. Let’s go down to the caff and get our donut on.

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Comments

Dustin, you're so pretty.

Posted by: jamiepants at February 13, 2009 11:20 AM

Wow.

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 11:21 AM

A Friday the 13th reboot that no one asked for, a Nightmare on Elm Street, without Englund btw,... these people are doing this...and they accuse ME of being an asshole.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 11:33 AM

For reasons I can't explain, I was swollen after reading this...

That's all I'm gonna say.

Posted by: Skitz at February 13, 2009 11:37 AM

Am I the only one that'd pay to see Billy Bob Thornton as Freddy in the remake? Sure, it was a rumor that was quickly debunked, but I could see it kinda working, in a Bad Santa meets Psycho sort of way.

That having been said, whomever does inheirit the glove best watch themselves...Robert Englund may have to kill a bitch.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 13, 2009 11:39 AM

Mini diversion! Favorite Robert Englund movies/cameos outside of the Nightmare series.

2001 Maniacs, because that movie was incredibadly awfulsome.

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 11:42 AM

Zombie Strippers because well-zombie strippers

Posted by: MrCreosote at February 13, 2009 11:44 AM

Not interested in the NOES remake, the original is still damn solid. Friday the 13th has always been mostly awful so I'm actually excited to see the re-do. As the weeks have gone on I went from uninterested in it to counting down the days based entirely on nostalgia for the old days os slaherdom. There is something bizarrely comforting in the notion that it is 2009 and Jason Voorhees is still on screen chopping up naughty teenagers.

Posted by: TylerDFC at February 13, 2009 11:45 AM

"...Mini diversion! Favorite Robert Englund movies/cameos outside of the Nightmare series..."
---------------------------------------------------
Well the ultimate has to be "V" the Mini series and then "V" the Series, he played the lovable, shy, mouse guzzler.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 11:45 AM

I have never seen V, actually. All I know is it has aliums that look like people, but are really scary lizards. I have no idea of plot or anything like that.

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 11:49 AM

All I know is it has aliums that look like people, but are really scary lizards. I have no idea of plot or anything like that.

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 11:49 AM
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Eh, but that's the plot, your last sentence, that's it.

And they eat mice..oh, and the series had the awesomeosity of Michael Ironside.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 11:59 AM

Mini diversion! Favorite Robert Englund movies/cameos outside of the Nightmare series.

Willie in V. Yes, it's a little too 80's for its own good, yes it has the Beastmaster in it, and yes the soundtrack is one big rip off of other, more successful soundtracks, (Star Wars and North by Northwest as examples) but the miniseries was still pretty awesome.

First Runner Up: Babylon 5, in the season 3 episode "Grey 17 is Missing". He plays Jeramiah, a preacher of sorts, and his first appearance on screen includes a line about hands and a self referential flex of his fingers as he's looking at them.

Second Runner Up: The gallery owner in Wishmaster. So...much...blood.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 13, 2009 11:59 AM

B'Slim:

And somehow I feel that gets to the nub of what's wrong with TV these days. There just aren't enough "lovable, shy, mouse guzzler" characters in the current dramas and procedurals.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 13, 2009 12:00 PM

There just aren't enough "lovable, shy, mouse guzzler" characters in the current dramas and procedurals.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 13, 2009 12:00 PM

--------------------------------------------
THIS is true! Name me one CSI character (I mean all seven CSIs or whatever) who ISN'T a HUUUUUUGE a-hole or a TOOL. And don't even get me started on Cold Case, seriously who the hell LIVES like that? That main character woman is always in a foul mood, either that or she's always menstruating. WTF!?!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 12:05 PM

Favorite role outside of Nightmare: The crazy old factory owner dude in The Mangler. So funny.

Posted by: Julie at February 13, 2009 12:09 PM

The Cold Case chick: does anyone know why they do her make-up deathly pale and give her that fucked up hair with bad extensions that are always pinned up? I'm always waiting for the episode where she is revealed to be dead herself (no offense to pale make-up and black eyes; it was my default look in my 2os, but it doesn't make her seem alive)

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 13, 2009 12:12 PM

I remember him in "V." But I forget, was he the alien who hooked up with the human girl and they had the human/alien baby? That was some scary-looking offspring.

Posted by: rlr260 at February 13, 2009 12:13 PM

Fav. Englund role: the detective guy in Behind the Mask, because it sends up the paranormal killer slasher flick so well.

Posted by: s. pisaster at February 13, 2009 12:16 PM

was he the alien who hooked up with the human girl and they had the human/alien baby? That was some scary-looking offspring.

Posted by: rlr260 at February 13, 2009 12:13 PM

--------------------------------------------------

No NO NOOOOOOOO, he hooked up with a waitress cougarish type. As far as the alien-human hybrid, that was the result of some young alien douche hooking up with a skanky high schooler.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 12:19 PM

some young alien douche hooking up with a skanky high schooler

So how could you tell them apart on screen?

Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 12:24 PM

Thanks, B-Slim. I do remember, now. I thought Willie was too sensitive to do that to a high schooler.

Posted by: rlr260 at February 13, 2009 12:27 PM

Here, mousey mousey!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at February 13, 2009 12:42 PM

I've never seen Cold Case. But this sounds too much like the chick from Fringe. You mean there are two chicks on TV like this???

Posted by: ed newman at February 13, 2009 1:13 PM

Zombie stripper five!

Posted by: figgy at February 13, 2009 1:13 PM

Hmmmm, now that you mention it, Fringe actually DOES have two likable characters, the crazy Doctor and the son. The chick is just another Mariska Hargitey type.

By which I mean she's really a dude.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 1:18 PM

I think it was Latinoreview that had the rumor up that Jackie Earl Haley is being looked at to dawn the Freddie glove. Which actually seems like a pretty good pick to me. I mean the guy does look like a child molester and he played one in Little Children, he's played the total fucking insane and violent badass (Rorschach), and now he just has to combine them and we can watch the blood spill. Not to mention the guy is ugly enough that he doesn't need much makeup to simulate a burn victim. I'm holding out some glimmer of hope that Wes Craven didn't completely sell his best and most lucrative franchise up the river.

Posted by: Ryan at February 13, 2009 1:31 PM

You mean there are two chicks on TV like this???

Yes, there are. And if I had a million dollars? Those two chicks on TV at the same time, man.

Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 1:33 PM

I've seen Mariska Hargitay naked, BSlim, and she didn't look like a dude to me. You can find the picture online, it's not hard. She posed for some magazine or something.

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 2:07 PM

Weird, I just watched "Nightmare" last night (still awesome after all these years.)

I was thinking it could use a remake, but only if, IF, they put some fucking thought into it, rather than what they probably will do, which will be something along the lines of "OOH, check it out, Freddy's EXTRA gross this time!" And the editors will all do mondo amounts of meth before they get to task:

"Cut it HERE. AND HERE! AND HERE ANDHEREANDHERE! WHEEEEEEEEE!"

This instead of, say, we don't see the dreams at first, all we know is that all the kids are really fucked up -- It really does look like Rod killed Tina, Nancy's all cutting and burning herself... and can we get to see one of Glen's dreams for once?

A girl can only dream. So to speak.

Posted by: bev rage at February 13, 2009 2:07 PM

Is it wrong that I hate Scrubs but am strangely attracted to The Todd?

Oh yeah, and V, hands down.

Posted by: Smokin at February 13, 2009 2:11 PM

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 2:07 PM

Dude, they can photoshop ANYTHING out.

She totally has a penis.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 2:12 PM

You know what? I think I'd go for it anyway.

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 4:03 PM

PaddyDog, I've wondered the same thing. Kathryn Morris' face looks like chalk, and that platinum blonde hair doesn't help. Wouldn't it be cool to learn that she really is dead?

Yeah, I watch Cold Case.

Posted by: Brie at February 13, 2009 5:28 PM

She totally has a penis.

The Todd does not discriminate on the basis of age, disability or gender.

Posted by: stipe42 at February 13, 2009 6:03 PM

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