February 13, 2009 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | February 13, 2009 |


You folks are pretty excited about the Friday the 13th remake coming out today, aren’t you? Yeah. I can totally feel all that positive energy through my computer monitor. It burns a little. You might want to temper that a bit — you don’t want to start any fires. Hmm mmm. Jared Padalecki, right? Know what I’m saying? A little Jason Voorhies. Probably a new origins story. A little mayhem. A couple, three dead teenagers. Some of that play the machete on the teenager’s forehead? Oh yeah. You’re feeling it. Come on, now. Bite that lower lip like you mean it. You’re rocking the head bob, huh? Listening to your Snow Patrol, amping yourself up for a night out with your lay-dee. Uh huh. A little “Chasing Cars”? Huh, huh. Am I right? Good song. “If I lay heeere … ” I’m right there with you, buddy. Gonna get her nice and scared and then crawl on up in her clam. Oh yeah. She’s gonna like that. Maybe crack out that Voorhies mask you’ve been hiding in your closet the last decade, put it on while she’s visiting the powder room. Then when she comes out, you be rocking nothing but that mask and a cock ring. I’m feeling that. Psycho-killer high five! Up high! Two times!

You know what’d impress her more? Freddy Krueger. Oh yeah. That dude was cold. He snuck up on in your dreams and messed with your noodle. Remember that time he sucked good old Jack Sparrow through the mattress and sprayed the ceiling with his guts. Suh-weet! That’s a motherfucker you don’t want to fall asleep around. Feelin’ me? Yeah, you’re feeling me. I heard he fucked your Mom once. Ha ha ha. No. I’m just kidding. That was me. Mom joke five!

So, listen. You know what I heard today? I heard they’re doing that whole reboot thing with Nightmare on Elm Street now. Pretty cool, huh? Now that’s a movie you can take your lady to on Valentine’s Day if you want to treat her right. Know what I’m saying? Yeah, you do. Take your lady somewhere nice — none of that McD’s shit. No sir. You take that bitch to Arby’s. Get her a nice roast beef, and sneak in a box of wine. That’s a dream date, dude. Ain’t no woman won’t love a man after that. I think I might love you a little. You diggin’ me? Wazzup Five!

I also heard they got this dude name Samuel Bayer to direct the reboot. Mmm hmmm. Never heard of the guy. He did that music video for Nirvana. You know the one. With the mulattos. Yeah. That one. Totally overrated. Dude also did some Blink 182 videos, and that I can respect. Those guys are off the hook! Freddy Kreuger five! Now. Let’s go down to the caff and get our donut on.

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"Scrubs" The Todd Discusses the Latest Horror Franchise Reboot

Super Freddy Five! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 13, 2009 | Comments ()



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