Nightmare on Elm Street First Image

First Image from Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (36)

Warner Brothers has released its first official image of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, which features Jackie Earle Haley in the Freddy Krueger role. And apparently, we’re supposed to extrapolate something out of this goddamn photo.

So, here’s what we know: The cinematographer is familiar with shadowing. Freddy is still a fan of striped shirts. He wears his hat low. He may or may not have a touch of scoliosis. He likes to hang out in classrooms after hours. And he strikes fear in his victims by scraping his blade on chalkboards.

So, there you go, folks. Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) is gonna be awesome. It says so right there in the image. And if you don’t see it, you’re just not looking close enough, asshole. Oh, here’s something else you might be able to detect if you look closely enough: Michael Bay is a fucking half-brained, memory-raping moron.

Thanks Warner Brothers!

Oh, wait! There’s more. Here’s the new Nightmare on Elm Street “teaser” poster. What the fuck is a “teaser” poster? It’s either a poster or it’s not a poster. And unless it tickles balls, I wouldn’t call it a teaser poster.

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Comments

I felt very uncomfortable reading the phrase "tickles balls" directly above that teaser poster.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at July 23, 2009 10:11 AM

So basically, what they are saying is that THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THIS MOVIE TO BE MADE, AT ALL.

That's what I don't understand about these remakes! What is the point of remaking something if you're not bringing anything new to the table? So Freddy looks exactly like he did before...same clothes, same scars, same knife glove. Presumably he'll still be killing kids in their dreams.

So what is the fucking point? Rent the original. There, you're done.

Fucking idiots.

Posted by: Snath at July 23, 2009 10:11 AM

*sigh*

And the world keeps on turning.

Posted by: TSF at July 23, 2009 10:19 AM

I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy. Holy fuck, this movie scared me shitless. Better than a triple expresso enema for keeping me up at night. So, thanks for that.

Posted by: slower lower at July 23, 2009 10:23 AM

FREDDIE vs. WOLVERINE!

Posted by: hater from siloam springs at July 23, 2009 10:26 AM

SQUEEE!
my day can't get any better.

(will have to stay away from pajiba just to play it safe...)

Posted by: gp at July 23, 2009 10:26 AM

and of course, I meant espresso, not, *shudder*, expresso. I have been living in the sticks for far too fucking long.

Posted by: slower lower at July 23, 2009 10:31 AM

The term "expresso" is used in France and Spain.

This franchise has already been beaten to death with countless sequels and that terrible television show (anybody remember that?). I saw Freddy 6 in 3D for fucks sake. I don't know how much worse they could actually make it.

Nancy's big-ass hair is much missed though.

Posted by: TSF at July 23, 2009 10:44 AM

So, what you are trying to say is that this will more than likely suck. Got it.

Posted by: Melody at July 23, 2009 10:45 AM

Freddy's Journal, Sept. 22, 2008

Cleaned up vomit again in Ms. Johnson's room. The little Communists keep descrating American soil with their red belly juices. They may as well be shitting on the flag. Hurrm.

This school is vile, needs cleansing. They call me a monster, a molestor, but I have seen its true face. The teachers are whores and cowards and the children are beautiful little commie rat scum, sucking on the tit of the American Dream with thick straws and sharp teeth.

The Principal called me into her office today. The children complain that I stare, stutter. She said they call me "Mumblefuck the clownface dipshit janitor." She agreed with them, laughed like a hippo and fired me. I will eat her face and swallow her laughter.

But first I need to find a new job. Maybe a gardner?

Hrrmm.

P.S. Dumb kid threw shit all over my striped sweather. Will kill him in his dreams.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 23, 2009 10:51 AM

Isn't Jackie Earle Haley like 5' tall? Something about Freddy shopping in the Juniors section that dulls the fear.

Osh Kosh B'Goddamnit Freddy, quit stabbing me!

Posted by: Kballs at July 23, 2009 11:04 AM

Bring back the nintendo power glove and I'm there

Posted by: rbfn04 at July 23, 2009 11:22 AM

So what is the fucking point? Rent the original. There, you're done.

Because kids today won't "get" the original series, what with all that 80's music, Johnny Depp in a bare midriff, cuffed Jeans, and television 'signing off' at the end of the programming day...because, ya know, WTF is a Casbah? That dude Glen must be a gay if he's dressed like that. Cuffed jeans are for chulo girlfriends in East L.A. And what the hell is that stupid song that plays when the American flag is on TV while Glen (the gay) sleeps?!

With the new version they can OMG ROFLCopter have Taylor Swift do the soundtrack, Glen can be butched up a little so he's not so whicked queer (lots of hair gel and jersey douche fist pump), Ed Hardy t-shirts, and Glen can fall asleep watching a commercial for the slap chop so they can further De-gay him by having "You're gonna love my nuts," heard in the back ground.

Gee golly oh my oh me. I can't wait to see this festering tit boil! And I definitely can't wait til they remake Dream Warriors so that during the 'Welcome to prime-time bitch!' scene, (Greatest Freddy line EVER BTW) Jenny (played by Brittany Snow) can have her head jammed into a TV playing an episode of 'My Super-Sweet 16...' turning what was once one of the greatest one-liner/death combos ever into, can it be, what appears to be a merciful fate. Cuz I'm sure Jenny would want to out one of her Camels in each eye by the time the spoiled cunt in the TV episode realizes her dad got her the wrong color fucking pony, meaning he doesn't love her.

With the exception of Jackie Earl (because he was the tits in Breaking Away...everyone else involved with this project can line up at my front door so I can tie them down in my breakfast nook so Rupert can cornhole them without the courtesy of spitting on it first.

Posted by: PissBoy at July 23, 2009 11:32 AM

That's what I don't understand about these remakes! What is the point of remaking something if you're not bringing anything new to the table?

This is a complete money grab, Snath. In the old days before cable they could rerelease these movies in theaters and continue suckling off the tit of the original. But now they have to remake it to get any teenager to even see it (like PissBoy said). Have you seen the shit horror that teenagers will frequent? This remake could be a shitstain on the original and still surpass every horror movie they've seen in their lives.

Posted by: ed newman at July 23, 2009 11:48 AM

I think annoyingmouse's post just secured itself a placed in Eloquent Eloquence. *applauds*

Posted by: Dill The Devil at July 23, 2009 11:49 AM

Because kids today won't "get" the original series

Well kids today can GET OFF MY LAWN!

Grumble grumble.

Posted by: Snath at July 23, 2009 11:50 AM

A Nightmare on Elm Street IVXII: Freddy Vs. Psoriasis

Posted by: admin at July 23, 2009 11:54 AM

As annoyingmouse just demonstrated above, the only thing 'Eloquent Eloquence' has brought to Pajiba is the guarantee that everybody tries too damn hard in the comments section.

Posted by: Poultice at July 23, 2009 12:21 PM

Poultice is right. Why bother putting effort and thought into a comment. I mean, it's not like people would enjoy that kind of thing. Pfft, motherfucker must think he/she could get a writing gig out of leaving comments on this site. Like that's ever going to happen.

Posted by: admin at July 23, 2009 12:44 PM

I'll see it if Johnny Depp returns to get sucked into a bed.

Posted by: ShagEaredVillain at July 23, 2009 12:45 PM

...especially if he's dressed as Edward Scissorhands and they have an awkward battle with those dangerous but altogether problematic appendages.

Posted by: ShagEaredVillain at July 23, 2009 12:49 PM

As Poultice just demonstrated above, some people should heed the old adage "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't bother commenting".

Have you made it your purpose in life to point out what you have deemed to be too large a wasted effort by others? If Eloquent Eloquence is not your bag then don't read it. If you don't enjoy the efforts of the patrons of Pajiba to be ranked among the Eloquents, that is certainly you choice. You are outnumbered though, the majority of Pajibans enjoy reading the varied attempts, whether they are worthy or not.

Posted by: Eyvi at July 23, 2009 1:02 PM

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't bother commenting".

Eyvi,
Funny you should say that on a movie review site which says it offers "Scathing Reviews". Using your logic, this site should heed the old adage and shut its doors.

Posted by: pissant at July 23, 2009 1:40 PM

the 'Welcome to prime-time bitch!' scene, (Greatest Freddy line EVER BTW)

Just popping in to add a brief HELL YEAH! Honestly, awful though most of the Nightmare on Elm Street sequels were, I think they justified their existence with that one line. Well, until "Freddy Vs. Jason" at least.

Posted by: Shay at July 23, 2009 2:04 PM

Do they even HAVE blackboards in schools anymore?

Is a "teaser poster" like "pre-registration"? You have to sign up to sign up?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at July 23, 2009 2:56 PM

I kinda liked, "FREDDIE vs. WOLVERINE!"

Posted by: hater from siloam springs

I can see the scene now:

Freddie to Wolverine: "I'm your father, puke."

Posted by: BWeaves at July 23, 2009 4:28 PM

"Using your logic, this site should heed the old adage and shut its doors."

I love this idiotic line of reasoning. Hey, genius, "scathing reviews for bitchy people" is not an invitation to be an asshole and insult the fellow readers. The reviews are the scathing part, not the comments and/or readers. Oh, that's right, I forgot - you hate it here.

And yet... here you are.

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at July 23, 2009 4:56 PM

Resistance is futile.

Posted by: John W at July 23, 2009 5:12 PM

I read the screenplay online and (SPOILER SPOILER) the ending sets up a possible sequel!

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 23, 2009 5:34 PM

ALSO, and this is critical, the studio should bring back Will Smith to do a remake of "Nightmare on My Street" for the soundtrack.

"He wears the same hat and sweater every single day, and even when it's hot outside, he wears 'em anyway!"

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 23, 2009 5:37 PM

admin said:

"Poultice is right. Why bother putting
effort and thought into a comment.
I mean, it's not like people would
enjoy that kind of thing."

Effort and thought obviously aren't the issues here. It's the consistently douche-chill-inducing literary striving of the Eloquent hopefuls that makes most Comment threads painful to read.

To put it in terms you may understand, there's a difference between a solid swing at a well-thrown curveball, and a full-body spasmatic thrust at a slow underhand pitch which (a) misses horribly, and (b) results only in the batter's arm being torn from his/her socket with a grotesque wet, crackly sound.

See? Now you've got me doing it.

Posted by: Poultice at July 23, 2009 5:55 PM

I forgot - you hate it here.

And yet... here you are.

Just doin' my part to keep up the quality. You're welcome.

Posted by: pissant at July 23, 2009 6:05 PM

Freddy Kruger's got four claws, there's only three, that's Wolverine!

Posted by: Dristan at July 23, 2009 7:24 PM

Well Poultice, I look forward to your continuing contributions.

Posted by: admin at July 23, 2009 8:58 PM

I'm not sure if some may have missed the reason for annoyingmouse's comment there...

For those that may not have read the book (And fell asleep for or passed on the movie):
Rorschach -> Jackie Earle Haley -> Freddy Krueger -> Journal Entry

I just figured, people not aware of that might see the content of the journal entry as... Well, I don't know... something worse than if they at least knew the reason behind it.

I'm not saying it was great, but I'd rather read that than watch any of these bloody awful remakes!!

- OOC Man here to explain the day!

Posted by: OOC Man at July 24, 2009 3:44 PM

You don't think the 'Hurrm's served to give it away sufficiently, OOC?

Posted by: Poultice at July 24, 2009 11:46 PM

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First Image from Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

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