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Nicole Kidman Named Most Useless Celebrity
It’s Scientifically Proven / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 11, 2008 | Comments (26)

nicole_kidmanadsaf.jpgForbes Magazine, which has nothing better to compare an actor’s salary to his or her box-office performance (and we have nothing better to do than report it), has surmised that this year, Nicole Kidman got the least box-office bang for her buck (sorry, not punny). According to them, Nicole Kidman’s films over the last year have made only $1 to every dollar that she was paid. In other words, her films made as much money as she did, which would be great if you also didn’t have to pay for the rest of the cast, the director, the sets, catering, assistants, grips, gropes, and marketing.

This isn’t exactly a surprise. The woman hasn’t had a hit since 2002, and she’s still being paid $17 million a film. It’s cause the Scientologists turned their back on her after the divorce. Also, because audiences don’t care for her. And she makes bad films. And she’s Australian. The world hates Australians. Except for Crowded House. Everybody loves Crowded House. Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup.

What is a surprise, however, is that Jennifer Garner came in at number two, after starring in The Kingdom and Catch and Release. Still, her movies made more than triple her salary. Tom Cruise came in third. And the rest of the top ten included: Cameron Diaz, Jim Carrey, Nicolas Cage, Drew Berrymore, Will Ferrell, and Cate Blanchett.


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Comments

Maybe she'd be a little better off if she wasn't a GODDAMED VAMPIRE NOWADAYS! Seriously, she looks ancient and powdered. Like when she sleeps, spiders and centipedes crawl outta her mouth...

I'd still get freaky with her though...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 11, 2008 11:27 AM

Oh come on, Dustin. Peter Boyle Garrett and Midnight Oil weren't that bad.

Nicole Kidman...meh. But Cate Blanchett? NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! There will always be room at my inn for Cate should she fall on hard times...

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 11, 2008 11:30 AM

Oh Dustin! Just when I am fully over my older-woman crush on you and your wily ways with a keyboard, you present my favourite Crowded House lyric. Ever.
Each time I think I'm out........

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 11, 2008 11:39 AM

I'd still get freaky with her though...

I think the shorter list would be "People Skittimus Wouldn't Get Freaky With."

Just tryin' to help with the time management here....

Posted by: Wednesday at September 11, 2008 11:52 AM

Dude, it's the plastic surgery. The woman is a horrorshow now. And she cannot be blamed for Golden Comp-ASS. That was not her fault.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 11, 2008 11:53 AM

Before there's an international incident:

I'm sure Dustin is fully aware that Neil Finn, however, is from New Zealand, like the rest of Split Enz.

Remember the British/Scottish/English thing?


Now, I'll cede that the day-to-day lately can look pretty word, but I won't renounce that in "The Golden Compass" she looked FAAABULOUUUUUS. And normally I would never prefer red being turned to blonde, but it was the cut that sold me. Hey, a faux Hitchcock Blonde's better than nothin.

Posted by: Jay at September 11, 2008 12:20 PM

Weird. She looks weird.

Can someone look "word"?

Hmmm.

Look, people keep interrupting me with work, alright?

Posted by: Jay at September 11, 2008 12:23 PM

Aren't Crowded House from New Zealand?

Posted by: Peter at September 11, 2008 12:27 PM

Who's Nicole...Kidman, is it?


She done any pornos?

Any, interspecies erotica?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 11, 2008 12:36 PM

Dammit Jay, you beat me to it. I much prefer Split Enz to CH.

Posted by: Cindy at September 11, 2008 1:18 PM

Nicole needs to stop trying to be a straight-haired blonde. Her hair is too light and makes her look freaky. She is a stunning natural redhead. She was gorgeous and great in Dead Calm, and she was robbed of the Oscar for To Die For.

Posted by: Cindy at September 11, 2008 1:22 PM

I'm with skit on this one: ice queen or no, i'd still hit it. If only I could find a heated condom...

Posted by: the_wakeful at September 11, 2008 1:27 PM

Cindy - I adored her in "To Die For" and worshipped her ringlets in "Dead Calm." I actually thought she did a nice job in "The Hours", outrageously inappropriate prosthetic nose notwithstanding.

Posted by: samantha t at September 11, 2008 2:21 PM

The reason she's useless is that she had one goddamn job to do and she fucked it up: keep Tom Cruise away from the public eye. That's it. She did a fine job for ten years and then she thinks she can just bow out because he's 87 kinds of crazy? And we tried to reason with her:

American Public: "Listen missy, we let you in this country, we pay to see your goddamn movies (and you still owe us for Eyes Wide Shut), you best not forget where your bread is buttered."

Nicole Kidman: "Bite me, Urban's hot, Midget's not."

AP: "Have fun in independent film!

NK: "I do it for...the art! Damn it. I hate Tom."

AP: "And you looked younger and prettier as a redhead!"

Posted by: TWoP Fan at September 11, 2008 3:04 PM

Is it bad that I have a little shudder of rage whenever I see the letters AP?

Also, I'm genuinely surprised Adam Sandler isn't on that list

Posted by: Squashmuffin at September 11, 2008 3:34 PM

It might also have to do with the fact that people like to watch actors whose faces actually move.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at September 11, 2008 3:38 PM

Word.

Posted by: Mella at September 11, 2008 4:42 PM

I'm sorry, Forbes, but for my money, the most useless celeb is still Paris Hilton. At least Nicole's done some really decent films. Paris said, "That's hott" and made a hamburger commercial.

Posted by: Ariel at September 11, 2008 5:25 PM

I agree, Samantha she was quite good in The Hours. But I still think the right award win should have been To Die For. I think she did win the Golden Globe though.

Posted by: Cindy at September 11, 2008 7:43 PM

what...people don't like australians....but our monotone accents are so cute......and we have kangaroos people...KANGAROOS

Posted by: Ellen is good at September 12, 2008 12:28 AM

Ellen he wasn't talking about us... We're Pajibalians so we don't count.
PS: Thanks Dustin we love you too

Posted by: BrisVegasBec at September 12, 2008 12:53 AM

To be fair, I think Cate Blanchett made the list because she's worth every penny that she earns, but chooses films with a wide variety of budgets & promotion & mainstream appeal (ie, there's a big difference between Veronica Guerin and Indy & Elizabeth.)

Cameron Diaz is the worst actress I have ever seen. I'm not sure why Cosmo keeps trying to convince me that she's classically beautiful and talented, but I estimate she deserves something close to minimum wage for her films. Luckily we can't complain that she gets too many meaty roles tossed her way simply for being popular. (Being John Malkovich fans, don't yell at me. She sucks in everything else.)

Posted by: K at September 12, 2008 5:26 AM

Crowded House are from New Zealand. Just like Flight of the Conchords.

Posted by: Booyah at September 12, 2008 3:03 PM

Actually, only Neil Finn (brilliant frontman for Crowded House) is from New Zealand; the other original members are Australian. Of course, since Paul Hester committed suicide, they have replaced him with an American drummer and added Mark Hart (also American), so they are only 1/4 Australian now.
Not that it matters that much. They are still an incredible band and it's nice to see them get a favorable mention here!

Posted by: JK at September 12, 2008 5:24 PM

You hate us Dustin? Not nice. We are charming people with koalas and vegemite and meat pies. If you prick us, do we not squeal?

Posted by: JJ McCLay at September 12, 2008 7:09 PM

I'm not generally a fan of Nicole, but to me, no actress has ever been nor probably ever will be as breathtakingly gorgeous as she was in Moulin Rouge.

Posted by: MB at September 15, 2008 10:15 AM