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Nicole Kidman: The Next Indiana Jones?
It’s Not What You Think / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 18, 2008 | Comments (25)

nicolekidm_soul__50957752_600.jpgThe world’s most useless actress is doing something she hasn’t done before: She’s angling to star in an action movie. She’s signed on to The 8th Wonder, an action-adventure film about an archeological discovery that sets off a globe-spanning race. Simon Kinberg (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Night at the Museum 2) has been signed to write the script, and Kidman will produce.

Though plot details are sketchy, here’s the kicker: It’s being described as a “movie that will be to Raiders of the Lost Ark what the Bourne movies are to James Bond movies: a character-driven, treasure-hunting thriller.” Really. You had to go there, did you? I could see it working, but only if Nicole Kidman is thrown from a ship, loses her memory, and the movie ends immediately thereafter.

Otherwise, I’m not buying Nicole Kidman as an action star — you can’t go from Virginia Wolff to Mrs. Indiana Jones. It’s like casting Harrison Ford in a big-budget comedy. It just doesn’t compute, man. I mean, unless the 8th Wonder is the ability to look young without having your facial skin pinched back with clothes pins.


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Comments

I will only say this:

David Addison became John McClane.

That doesn't mean I'm excited though.

Posted by: Jay at September 18, 2008 10:40 AM

Scene: Barbado ponders as he paces in his study..

*grabs gun puts it in mouth turns, shoots TK, then, shoots TK again, keeps pacing as he's still pondering on Kidman's latest cinematic abortion*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 18, 2008 10:42 AM

I think a 30 Rock Quote will work best here.

"CRONE!" (To be delivered in a shocked manner, as though one just opened the door to see Nicole Kidman.)

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 18, 2008 10:43 AM

I see wrinkles on her forehead. Call in a WMB (weapons of mass botox) airstrike.

Posted by: branded at September 18, 2008 10:49 AM

*stands up, spits out bullet. Spits out second bullet. Smiles, then snaps Nicole Kidman over knee. Beats B-Slim to death with her limbs*

Posted by: TK at September 18, 2008 10:59 AM

Did Nicole Kidman kill someone's dog? I mean, yeah, I'm not a huge fan, but what the hell did she do?

Posted by: twig at September 18, 2008 11:16 AM

There's a lot of dedicated Dick York fans here, twig. They're the kind who hold a grudge.


(or else....yeah, I don't know either)

Posted by: Jay at September 18, 2008 11:19 AM

I've got no problem with her, actually. I think she's a fine actress, if a little severe looking.

She was just the closest available weapon.

Posted by: TK at September 18, 2008 11:23 AM

jay
everytime someone names david addison a woman loose her panties.
gracias

Posted by: rio at September 18, 2008 11:24 AM

When I read the topic, I thought maybe she'd be playing an ancient mummy woman. All dusty and stretched. And dried out. And smells like poporri (yeah, I can't spell it and I don't give a shit).

Regardless, I'd still get down with her.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 18, 2008 11:24 AM

Potpourri.

(you're welcome)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 18, 2008 11:31 AM

AvB = She was just the closest available weapon.

Fair enough.

Posted by: twig at September 18, 2008 11:38 AM

I love that picture of her! It's like she's looking at the rest of Pajibaland and saying, "Can you believe this guy just called me the world's most uselsss actress?"

And we're all like, "Yeah, and your point is..?"

I gotta go look at it again.

Posted by: TMax at September 18, 2008 11:38 AM

... and that should have been a little emoticon heart for you, Beaverplatz. I forget Pajiba doesn't like those.

Posted by: twig at September 18, 2008 11:39 AM

Actually the real Kidman was replaced by a transgendered or "tranny" actor named Robert Preston (interesting story, he was originally African-American) sometime after production of "To Die For" was finished.

True Story

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 18, 2008 11:41 AM

". It's like casting Harrison Ford in a big-budget comedy."

Actually, Harrison Ford played opposite Gene Wilder in "The Frisco Kid." It was a pretty funny movie, although the only people who I know have seen it were retired Jews.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 18, 2008 11:44 AM

Seriously bad casting choice. Kidman reminds me of a porcelain doll--something so fragile that by touching it, I'm liable to break it. Best to put it on the highest shelf, and not lay a finger on it. She didn't used to look like that (To Die For). But with her addition to Botox, she looks _brittle_. I fully expect Kidman's arm to break off 15 minutes into the movie when she tries to swing on a rope.

Posted by: True_Blue at September 18, 2008 11:45 AM

They should have her play regional and retitle it thusly:

Jumbuck Adventures: Tuckerbags 'n' Billabongs

Posted by: Lucas at September 18, 2008 11:48 AM

Harrison Ford played opposite Gene Wilder in "The Frisco Kid." It was a pretty funny movie

No it wasn't. It was memorably awful. But to be fair, that wasn't really Harrison Ford's fault.

Kidman is a very fine actress. While it's true she's had a long run of bad luck--or maybe bad choices--I'll reserve judgment until I know more about this project.

Posted by: Jerce at September 18, 2008 12:25 PM

Hmmm, Nicole Kidman, swashbuckling treasure-hunter? I guess I'd rather watch her in a crappy movie than watch Brendan Fraser. She at least has a tendency to not totally suck in movies that do totally suck (see The Invasion.)

Posted by: Qualler at September 18, 2008 2:13 PM

Is Che still finalizing the Eloquents list, because TK needs a placement.

I say, give Nicole a second chance. She might surprise us all. Maybe the humidity will do her (and her hair) some good.

Posted by: Cindy at September 18, 2008 2:24 PM

Hey Jerce, are you a retired Jew? Just asking, because those were the only people who thought "The Frisco Kid" was funny. It had a lot of Eastern European Dispora in-jokes.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 18, 2008 3:37 PM

Oh dear...this is probably the worst casting news i have read for quite some time. I just don't see Nicole 'porcelain' Kidman as an action heroine. Besides isn't she officially box office poison?

Posted by: Neena at September 18, 2008 3:43 PM

I'm fairly sure this shit was done by Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider.

And I'll take Jolie in a padded bra, bad English accent, and a crapfuck story, derived from a *videogame*, any day over Kidman in same. That crapfuck now also liberally steals from Spielberg & Lucas's irradiated overfucked cash cow.

Just. Not. Right. Nothing against The Porcelain One.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at September 18, 2008 7:52 PM

I...she's just so....eeeeh


thats it...eeeeeeeh

Posted by: Nadine at September 21, 2008 7:28 PM