web counter
 

Why Don't They Have Muskets?

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (26)

three-musketeers-1993.jpg

Dustin reported last September the exciting news that Paul W.S. Anderson was going to be making another version of The Three Musketeers thus shitting all over the mighty legacy of Sheen, Sutherland, Chris O’Donnell, and that guy from “Murphy Brown.” I loved that movie when I was a kid, which is compelling evidence in support of the theory that childhood is a mental disease. It always terribly confused me that the musketeers had swords instead of muskets.

In any case, the honorable Mr. Anderson has found time in his busy schedule of Resident Evil shoots to cast his 3D affront to the human spirit. You’ll never guess who he cast as the female lead! Milla Jovovich! Between Anderson and Tim Burton, Hollywood almost needs a version of the Rooney rule requiring directors to at least give a token interview to people besides their wives for roles. Her role is described as a “17th-century Bond girl.”

Logan Lerman, the kid from Percy Jackson: Harry Potter goes Greek has been cast as D’Artagnan. Bleh, he doesn’t even look old enough to grow facial hair. And the first thing that pops up on his IMDB page is that he was born and raised in Beverly Hills and always wanted to be an actor. It’s that personal experience with adversity that really makes his actressin’ special.

Ray Stevenson (oh Pullo, why?), Luke Evans (Clash of the Titans [shrug]), and Matthew Macfadyen (Robin Hood [I dunno]) round out the cast as the three actual musketeers and Christoph Waltz (even Oscar winners need to pay the bills) and Mads Mikkelsen will play the villains.

(source: THR)









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Book Review: New Moon, Eclipse, & Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer | First Looks at Peter Saarsgard's Green Lantern Villain and the New Conan →









Comments

Dumb, dumb, dumb, not a fucking chance, gonna suck balls, no way will I see it, waste of time and mo-

Christoph Waltz (even Oscar winners need to pay the bills) and Mads Mikkelsen will play the villains.

Aw, fuck. OK fine, I'll see it on opening night.

Bastards.

Posted by: TK at May 11, 2010 10:11 AM

To think there would ever, ever come a day when I would yearn for the dramatic stylings of Chris O'Donnell.

Posted by: twig at May 11, 2010 10:17 AM

As long as Jovovich's costume is true to the period (by which I mean very small bandages) I will definitely be there.

Posted by: admin at May 11, 2010 10:25 AM

that guy from “Murphy Brown.”

Isn't that Oliver Platt?

Posted by: mswas at May 11, 2010 10:25 AM

Now I have Bryan Adams singing 'Let's make it all for one and all for love. Let the one you hold be the one you want...'

God damn that man had a monopoly on swashbuckling historical film tunes.

Posted by: Carrie (Teabelly) at May 11, 2010 10:36 AM

And I amused by this IMDB trivia:

During production, Tim Curry was offered the role of the Eighth Doctor in Doctor Who (1996) (TV), he was interested in playing the role, but he didn't know how to play the character. One day during filming approached Paul McGann on how he would play The Eighth Doctor if he was cast. Tim turned down the role of The Eighth Doctor because of scheduling conflicts with several movies, McGann was cast as The Eighth Doctor.

Posted by: Carrie (Teabelly) at May 11, 2010 10:37 AM

I love Tim Curry and I love the Doctor, but those two do not mix. I liked the look of McGann as the Doctor, but the made for TV movie was so bad that he's left absolutely no impression on me whatsoever. Thank Gotopus it wasn't Tim Curry.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 11, 2010 10:45 AM

Carrie, please don't forget that Sting and Rod Stewart also had a hand in that masterpiece. Supergroup indeed!

Posted by: admin at May 11, 2010 10:46 AM

I promise I had not forgotten! (Except for like three seconds, when I had. Sorry!)

Posted by: Carrie (Teabelly) at May 11, 2010 10:49 AM

Don't be naive. You know where their muskets are at.

Posted by: superasente at May 11, 2010 10:59 AM

FUCK THE UNIVERSE.

Posted by: figgy at May 11, 2010 11:29 AM

Hey! There are not-rich parts of Beverly Hills! The kids live in apartments and walk to school and everything!

Posted by: ceejeemcbeegee at May 11, 2010 11:38 AM

WHY PULLO WHY??????????

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 11, 2010 11:41 AM

I think the guy from Murphy Brown yer thinking of is Robert Pastorelli. The big guy in the photo above is Oliver Platt. Here's how you tell them apart: Platt = good actor, alive. Pastorelli = worse actor, dead.

Posted by: Ned at May 11, 2010 12:20 PM

We non-cable having folk out in the hinterlands had to rely on VHS tapes to educate and babysit the young. To wit, my brother and I watched The Three Musketeers until we wore the tape out, and I turned out OK.....
Oh. Well, maybe there is something to that 'mental disease' thing.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 11, 2010 12:45 PM

I just IMDB-ed Luke Evans; now I know how James McAvoy will look like in 10 years.

Posted by: Irina at May 11, 2010 12:49 PM

I'm starting to get really nervous over the Christoph Waltz typecasting. Is he doing anything where he isn't a villain? I love the guy too much to see his career ruined by assholes who aren't creative enough to come up with a better part for him.

Posted by: ChristianH at May 11, 2010 1:33 PM

Don't be naive. You know where their muskets are at.

Their muskets are their penis(es). There, I said it.

Loved the '93 remake. Who doesn't like their Kiefer Sutherland drunk, crazy & armed. Or their Michael Wincott casually menacing & off-handedly eee-viiiil. (He was the best thing in the Count of Monte Cristo remake.) Or their Rebecca De Mornay breathing heavy in a corset.

While I don't know about the boys cast, I'm pretty sure that Milla Jovovich, while lovely, is a bit - um - under-equipped to interpret the character the same way.

"What if I said I'd be your girlfriend the next couple of days? No charge."

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at May 11, 2010 1:40 PM

I always preferred the 70s Musketeer movies. Oliver Reed will always be Athos to me.

That said, Ray Stevenson, Madds Mikkelsen and Christoph Waltz? Yep, now I have to see this.

Posted by: Fredo at May 11, 2010 2:30 PM

*clears throat*

*sings to the high heavens*

"LET'S MAKE IT AAAAAAALL FOOOOOOOOOOR OOOOOOOOONEEEE.....

AND....ALL....FOR....LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"

Oh, yeah, baby.

Posted by: figgy at May 11, 2010 3:39 PM

Any confirmation on the rumor that Chris O'Donnell was found dead behind a Pollo Loco near Fresno?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2010 5:14 PM

TK pretty much covered my thoughts on this completely.

Get out of my head, you freak!

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at May 11, 2010 5:52 PM

When honour's at stake,
This vow I will make!
YEAAAHHH!!

Posted by: Four Eyes at May 11, 2010 7:59 PM

Hey. Do not diss the Burton. Helena Bonham Carter is a great actress and she's been right for the roles he's put her in. Her Mrs. Lovett was fucking smashing.

Posted by: Jessica at May 11, 2010 8:34 PM

Oliver Platt will NEVER be a "that guy".

Posted by: nigeltde at May 12, 2010 12:27 AM

Could someone please put Figgy out of her misery?


I actually like both the 70s and 90s versions of the movie. Both were fun, and both had their darker moments. Of course, Oliver Reed, Richard Chamberlain, Michael York, and Christopher Lee are superior actors.

Posted by: FabMax at May 12, 2010 7:31 AM