This Is The Really Real World, There Ain't No Comin' Back
Who’s psyched for a reboot of The Crow? Huh?! Who’s FUCKING FIRED UP ABOUT IT?! Show of hands, people, raise ‘em high and wave ‘em wild.
As you can perhaps surmise, I’m not excited. I firmly believe that 1994’s The Crow, as directed by Alex Proyas, was cinematic lightning in a bottle. It remains one of my favorite all-time comic book movies, one of the few successfully executed dark, grim and intense R-rated ones. It’s bloody, funny, and generally great. I’ve written about it in detail before, so I won’t get too deeply into it.
After spawning three progressively hideous sequels and one borderline offensive failed television series, I’d sort of hoped we were done. There was simply no one who was capable of adapting James O’Barr’s character more successfully than Proyas had, and every effort was a miserable disaster. The character was turned into some sort of shitty goth icon, and it… wasn’t good.
But no. It’s being remade… not another sequel, but a remake. Even though that makes no sense, because the plot doesn’t seem to resemble the original at all. But whatever. Trying to make sense of Hollywood is like trying to make sense of the drunken lunatic who lived in my college town who used to call me Moonlight and vowed that he knew what I’d done. As if he’d seen it. You know what? Bad analogy. Never mind.
ANYWAY. Producer Edward R. Pressman talked to MTV recently, and gave a bit of info on the project. The script, written by director Stephen Norrington (Blade, The League of Extraord… oh, fuck me) is apparently complete, and he says that casting announcements should be coming soon, He also had this to say about it:
“The setting is the southwest — the Mexico/Arizona area — and an urban [setting], Detroit or Pittsburgh or something like that,” he described. “There are two locations that the film is set. Its initial platform is in the southwest and then it moves to the big city in the north, middle or eastern America, and then back.”
Um, OK. That’s not particularly useful, other that to tell us that for some reason the character will be removed from the urban settings that it so famously inhabits.
“The Crow itself is a creature in this movie — it’s not just a bird,” said the producer. “It’s got a personality and a character. Not like Godzilla exactly, but it’s very different [and has] a more active role in the story.”
I’m sorry, what was that? Did you just say Godzilla? What in the monkeyshitting fuck are you talking about? Why would that comparison even come to mind? What the hell… why are we comparing a dark spirit of vengeance that revives the wrongfully killed and grants them superpowers to a giant Japanese lizard that stomps on cities? You cannot be serious. YOU CANNOT FUCKING BE SERIOUS.
“Obviously it’s a different time and a different idea, but I think Stephen is a very talented fellow and I’m very excited to work with him,… I think it’s a very different conception [than the original film]. After the first ‘Crow,’ there were so many other films that were inspired by it, by its look. Steve is an artist himself, and he’s created a very different visual idea.”
Yes. A different, and fucking retarded idea. Norrington, I’ve always kind of defended you because I have a soft spot for Blade. Despite the fact that you’re responsible for what is arguably the worst comic book movie in the history of everything. But I am filled with nothing but dread for this project.
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