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Classical Bible Stories Get Modernized. Or Not. It's Complicated... Meaning Stupid.

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (17)

full_davidgoliath.jpeg

Oh Hollywood, you continue to delight me. Running out of comic books, novels, and foreign films to adapt, Relativity Media is going back to the good book for ideas — I mean the Bible, of course. They’re currently in talks with The Exorcism of Emily Rose director Scott Derrickson to direct Goliath, a retelling of the classic biblical tale. It’s based on a screenplay by John D. Payne & Patrick McKay.

If you were for some reason getting your hopes up, stop. Derrickson also directed the visually interesting, but dreadfully dull and uninspired remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still, where he somehow succeeded in getting Jennifer Connolly to look less interesting than Keanu Reeves.

This one will once again tell the tale of Goliath the giant, but with a different slant to it. Goliath is sent to track down David, the future king, and eventually an epic battle ensues. So no word on whether or not Goliath will issue his twice-daily challenges, and the battle between the two is certainly not particularly epic in the original telling. But the part of this story that brings the most joy is this paragraph from Variety:

Project’s being developed as a retelling of the biblical tale of David and Goliath in the spirit of films like “The Bourne Identity,” “Taken” and “300” — set in ancient times but with a modern feel.

A biblical story. Inspired by The Bourne Identity and Taken? And 300? What does that even mean? It’s going to be all green screens and shakey cams and CGI muscles and TELL ME WHO I AM/WHERE SHE IS!

Hollywood, thank you for giving me joy on this day, you bumbling pack of drunken jackasses.

The Bourne Identity.

[shakes head]

Un-fucking-believable.









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Comments

So you know there's going to be a fight with The Book. Good thing Bibles where heavy in those days.

Posted by: Magiel at January 10, 2011 10:35 AM

I have 3 words for you:
Release.
The.
Kraken.

Posted by: cinekat at January 10, 2011 10:40 AM

Some days it just doesn't pay to stumble out of bed.

Posted by: Kargoyle at January 10, 2011 10:46 AM

THIS! IS! ISRAEL!

Posted by: admin at January 10, 2011 10:53 AM

I hereby dub this movie "Bourne-again Christians."

Posted by: Markus at January 10, 2011 11:11 AM

Why do I feel like I just walked into the wrong room?

Posted by: peanut at January 10, 2011 11:36 AM

I bet this movie's really big.

Posted by: mswas at January 10, 2011 11:59 AM

I refuse to see this unless they throw a "Goliath Online!" in there.

Posted by: Ian at January 10, 2011 12:01 PM

@mswas: I chuckled in spite of myself. A sad trombone for you.

Umm... I'll admit, I'm not up on my Old Testament, but I'm fairly certain Goliath didn't kidnap David's daughter, and that David never had amnesia. It strikes me as bizarre those three movies would be cited, and only one makes sense. In fact, when they reference 300, they probably only mean in terms of the visuals. At least, I hope that's what they mean... Greengrassing the Bible just seems nauseating.

Posted by: RobP at January 10, 2011 12:43 PM

One of my dreams in life was to create a film that told the Biblical story of David (& Goliath, though Goliath is a small part of the story).

This article to me was the equivalent of a little girl with leukemia being told by the Make-A-Wish Foundation that her once in a lifetime meeting with her idol Miley Cyrus had to be canceled because Miley was too busy taking naked photos with Taylor Lautner in the first issue of Hollywood's Barely 18.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at January 10, 2011 12:48 PM

@Littlejon2001: That's how I felt when I heard Vin Diesel was in talks to play Hannibal in a movie about the Second Punic War. Here's hoping your Make-A-Wish-Nightmare falls apart like mine did. Cheers!

Posted by: RobP at January 10, 2011 2:18 PM

Um...Kings already took care of this for us....only Goliath was a TANK.

Which was purty cool, imho.

Posted by: meh at January 10, 2011 3:34 PM

RobP I'll take the sad trombone any time

Posted by: mswas at January 10, 2011 3:41 PM

Ah, but are they preparing to make four sequels?

Posted by: grizzle at January 10, 2011 5:06 PM

does Hollywood really forget that easily?

They did Kings, which was awesome, but sadly it was on Fox, and as we all know, Fox hates everything, and this wasn't even a Wheadon show.

Posted by: Lordninja at January 11, 2011 12:48 AM

And after David loses his Brothers will tell the Red Queen to release the Jabberbabywockie. They might as well tie in Alice in Wonderfully Dull too because that's a lot to give one movie.

Posted by: Shevylikethecar at January 11, 2011 2:22 AM


Will Shia LeBouf be battling a massive CGI Goliath then?

Posted by: MurderBot at January 11, 2011 9:28 AM