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Marcus Nispel Does Not Understand the Riddle of Steel

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (37)

conan-3 - Copy.jpg

Marcus Nispel’s Conan film, due out next year, frankly terrifies me. I have absolutely zero faith in it. Of course, for nerds like me, Conan is a favorite character of mine — I’ve read several of the original Robert E. Howard stories, as well as a few of the more contemporary ones (particularly those written by Robert Jordan and L. Sprague de Camp). The original, John Milius-directed Schwarzenegger film is, while a woefully inaccurate portrayal, still an enjoyable, if somewhat insane, sword-and-sandals romp (though we don’t have to mention the sequel).

All of the information that’s come out about Nispel’s version is pretty much lousy, however. A few months ago, I recapped what we know so far, and it’s worth revisiting:

  • The director of Pathfinder and the remake of Friday the 13th.
  • A lead actor (Jason Momoa) from “North Shore” and “Baywatch.”
  • The screenwriters from A Sound of Thunder and Sahara.
  • Script doctoring by the guy who wrote Halloween: Resurrection and The Crow: Wicked Prayer.

So basically, we’re fucked. Anyway, in case you give a crap, two new photos of Momoa as Conan have been released. First, we have an action shot, replete with rippling muscles and still drops of water. Also, he appears to be passing a Cimmerian kidney stone. Take a lookie:

conan-3.jpg

Next, we have a production art shot.
conan-2.jpg
Nice skirt, jackass.

So. Marcus Nispel appears determined to let me continue with my impression that this film will aggressively and repeatedly blow fetid goat balls. I’d love to be wrong, but the signs certainly don’t point that way.

Great.









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Comments

It could be worse TK, Captain America could be played by a no talent actor who's single claim to fame is being in a pair of the worst comic book movies ever made....ah shit that's happening too.

Fuck it. It's getting worse.

Posted by: bignick at July 6, 2010 9:47 AM

By Crom, that production still looks like some sort of misguided Christian art for some reason! Just...wow.

Posted by: Armando at July 6, 2010 9:48 AM

Can't get used to the look of that guy without the facial hair.

Posted by: Rykker at July 6, 2010 9:58 AM

Now what's wrong with "Destroyer"?? And it's got Sarah Douglas!!

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 9:58 AM

I actually watched A Sound of Thunder on youtube.

Holy shit what an abortion of a movie. Ed Burns was in it; his smug, huge-dick attitude is clearly not an acting decision, but more of his stark realization that this movie is going to death-stroke his career and he might as well get paid.

This movie was barely a step up from a SciFi Presents production that they premiered at 3 a.m., hoping no one would notice.

I have no faith in Conan either. I'm hoping Schwarzy shows up and punches everyone in the face and leaves.

Posted by: D-Day at July 6, 2010 10:02 AM

Conan with curly fucking hair? No thank you.

Posted by: Todd at July 6, 2010 10:24 AM

Not 'roided up enough, I say.

Call me when he grows 6" in height and adds about 60 lbs. of muscle. If we learned anything about 80s action stars, they 'roided up and looked like action figures. And, we liked it that way!

Posted by: gunnertec at July 6, 2010 10:43 AM

Here's two problems with "Destroyer":

1. Big shitty rubber monster at the end. (Redeeming quality: Andre the Giant was in that suit.)

2. Grace Jones. There is no redeeming quality.

Posted by: bignick at July 6, 2010 10:44 AM

Hey, Momoa was the bomb in Stargate Atlantis, yo.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at July 6, 2010 10:46 AM

Grace Jones. There is no redeeming quality.

You did not....

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 10:48 AM

25 years later, Grace Jones could still kick your ass without breaking a sweat, bignick, and she's probably on her way over to your place to do it right now.

Posted by: Quiet Wyatt at July 6, 2010 10:53 AM

Was actually okay with the casting of Momoa. Many great actors have shitty television in their past. He was okay on the completely mediocre Stargate Atlantis. The director and writers are more troubling to me. I don't need it to be the same old shit rehashed, like all the virginal asshats on AICN complaining about how it "won't be the same" and begging like whiney little bitches for the (admittedly reat) Poledouris score to be used. I got no problem with reinventing a franchise. I got no problem with Momoa's hair, but then again, I enjoy pussy so hairstyles don't really affect me. But Jesus! Nispel?! Why not just hire Uwe and despense with any pretense that it'll be shit.

Posted by: lennychuck at July 6, 2010 10:53 AM

You did not....

He did, and I'll back him on it. No, seriously. List what's great about Grace Jones, other than the fact that she's fucking scary looking. Is it her acting ability? Clearly, Conan The Destroyer and A View To a Kill say no.

Her fucked up music? No, because it sounds like cats being raped in the dumpster behind a discotheque.

Yes, she is striking looking and ridiculously fit. So what. That doesn't make her movies any less awful.

And now I'm worn out, and I have no idea why I lashed out about this. I need a hobby.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at July 6, 2010 10:57 AM

You need more than a hobby.

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 11:02 AM

Still didn't answer my question.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at July 6, 2010 11:03 AM

There's no reasoning with you. You don't get it and you won't get it.

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 11:06 AM

I can't help it if you hate fun.

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 11:08 AM

Ah yes. When logic fails you, resort to smugness.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at July 6, 2010 11:10 AM

My only question is: do people under the age of 20 or so pronounce the title character's name as in "O'Brien" (short "a") or the way we pronounced it in the 80s (long "a")?

Posted by: jason at July 6, 2010 11:12 AM

I'll always admire Grace Jones for her surreal and completely inappropriate interpretation of "The Little Drummer Boy" on PeeWee's Christmas Special.

Posted by: Drake at July 6, 2010 11:14 AM

I wonder when swordy (that's so a word) movies will finally stop using that stupid shot of the guy jumping in the air while being all stabbity-stab-stab? I remember it from way back in Troy and now EVERYTHING uses it and it always looks moronic.

Posted by: figgy at July 6, 2010 11:32 AM

Nispel you scum sucking sewer rat's poor excuse for a festering menstrual pad. LEAVE CONAN BE

Posted by: karen at July 6, 2010 11:41 AM

CROM, I have never prayed to you. I have no tongue for it. Valor pleases you. So I ask you, destroy this shitty movie!

/geeky enough?

Posted by: Fredo at July 6, 2010 11:50 AM

Wha...? Shouldn't this be a JJ Abrams film starring "The Rock"? You'd think a franchise like Conan would be a bigger deal...smh.

Posted by: Ben F. at July 6, 2010 12:04 PM

When logic fails you, resort to smugness

No, you just hate fun. Lighten up, Spock!

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 12:29 PM

My problem with the new Conan has to be the casting of Rose McGowan as Valeria. God I hate her and will never forgive her for the absolute shit that was Doom Generation.

Posted by: Mebe at July 6, 2010 12:47 PM

i OWN sound of thunder. except for a couple of awful green-screen moments (i assume because of a low budget), i find it TOTALLY ENTERTAINING.

Posted by: gp at July 6, 2010 1:21 PM

Even I thought Sound of Thunder was a huge bag of shit committed to celluloid and I LIKE Ed Norton...

I also like Grace Jones. Check out Vamp if you want to see her in full-out whacko mode.

Posted by: Adam C. at July 6, 2010 1:48 PM

Fredo, you get major geek points! I also pray that this shitty movie dies.

Posted by: Mebe at July 6, 2010 2:32 PM

Three words for what this remake is going to be: Kull the Conqueror.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 6, 2010 2:53 PM

Huh, he was so much hotter on Stargate. As a rule, I don't like facial hair, but every now and then a man comes along who just isn't the same without it. I think he is one of those men.

Posted by: peachfish at July 6, 2010 3:02 PM

Dude looks like Zac Efron with long hair and 'roids. Is Mark McGwire a technical adviser on this flick??

Posted by: Barnes78 at July 6, 2010 4:22 PM

Total geek question, but how is Rose going to be both Marique (originally a male character named Fariq) and Red Sonja (coming out in 2011)? I'm not looking forward to seeing her in either role.

Posted by: Smokey at July 6, 2010 4:31 PM

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 7:38 PM

Arnie should pay a visit on set and crush Nispel and Momoa, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentation of their women.

Hmmmm. This is good!

Posted by: Dexter Morgan at July 7, 2010 3:40 AM

Pajiba is thus far the only website I've seen that's up to date on exactly why there's no reason to believe this film will do anything other than fail. Well done, guys.

My only question is: do people under the age of 20 or so pronounce the title character's name as in "O'Brien" (short "a") or the way we pronounced it in the 80s (long "a")?

Short "a" is the correct way to pronounce the name. It's how Robert E. Howard pronounced it. 80s kids were wrong (and I'm an 80s kid myself)

My problem with the new Conan has to be the casting of Rose McGowan as Valeria. God I hate her and will never forgive her for the absolute shit that was Doom Generation.

McGowan isn't playing Valeria. Valeria - at least Sandahl Bergman's version - isn't even in this film.

See, what this film is doing is it's effectively remaking Conan the Barbarian (Conan goes on a quest to avenge the death of his father and destruction of his home village by an evil sorcerer-warlord, meeting two thieves along the way and learning stuff about steel), but they've replaced all the major players: Thulsa Doom's part is taken by Khalar Zym, Valeria's by Tamara, Subotai's by Artus, and so forth.

And to top it off, they have the unmitigated gall to say it's "more faithful" to the stories, when none of the characters or plot was written by Howard, or any Conan book/comic. It's no more faithful to Howard than the awful live-action TV series was.

Three words for what this remake is going to be: Kull the Conqueror.

Too true. You know how The Last Airbender is utterly hated by the fans? This makes The Last Airbender look like The Lord of the Rings.

Total geek question, but how is Rose going to be both Marique (originally a male character named Fariq) and Red Sonja (coming out in 2011)? I'm not looking forward to seeing her in either role.

Well for one thing, she isn't Red Sonja any more. She dropped out to be in Conan. Secondly, despite Sonja and Conan occupying the same universe, the two characters are owned by different companies. The same case as in the '80s. So Red Sonja will never be in a Conan movie, or vice versa.

Posted by: Al Harron at July 7, 2010 10:50 AM

The John Milius "Conan" could have been retitled "I HATE HIPPIES: THE MOVIE." (For those who doubt, go back and watch it again.)

What will this brave new version be? What annoying subculture that Brave Chest-Thumping He-Men Who Own a Lot of Guns and Wish They Looked Like Frazetta Paintings But Really Look Like Doughy Neckbeards in Hawaiian Shirts will be slain by Conan this time?

I HATE EMO: THE MOVIE?

Posted by: Soulless Merchant of Fear at July 7, 2010 11:22 AM