News: Katie Holmes Cast as Jackie Kennedy

Meet the New Jackie Kennedy

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (37)

You are, I can only assume, fucking shitting me.

Great Codswallowing Buddah O’Malley. This one takes the taco. In the long, storied line of stupid fucking casting decisions that we’ve been forced to suffer through, this one is near the top of the heap.

Let’s begin with a quick look at Katie Holmes, wife of the Supreme Grand High Scientological Super Couch-Jumper King (also known as The Cruiseinatrix to lower tier Scientologogians) and her past acting history. She was in “Dawson’s Creek,” which I’ve never seen and never will, regardless of how many people tell me “no, really, it was actually pretty good.” Fuck you and fuck your television. She was in Batman Begins, where she was woefully miscast and thankfully replaced in its sequel, although there remains to this day an ongoing war about who was the better Rachel Dawes. I am baffled by this. OK, I mean, I get that you might not find Maggie Gyllenhaal attractive — I disagree, but to each their own. But can you seriously call Katie fucking Holmes the better actress? Thank God that character got her shit blown up so this debate can’t go any further. Oh, spoiler warning by the way — and fuck you if you haven’t seen The Dark Knight yet.

Where was I? You people need to stop distracting me. Oh, right. Katie Holmes roles. She was recently in the indie Extra Man, which Dustin mostly liked, though he said Holmes felt out of place. She was in… um… The Gift, which is legendary for being the movie where she dispassionately showed her cans. She was in that stupid bank robbery movie that I refuse to look up the name of. Honestly, Go and Wonder Boys are the only other good films she was in, and Go was good in spite of her, not because of her.

I’m sure that Katie is a very nice person. She’s quite pretty, and seems to be a good mom despite being a Scientolozombiebot and married to Crazypants Cruise. But she’s not a particularly deft actress. Which is why, of course… of fucking course… her next role will be…

Jackie Kennedy.

Yes, that Jackie Kennedy. The History Channel is planning a mini-series based on the life of the Kennedy family. Greg Kinnear will play JFK, Barry Pepper will play RFK, and the fan-fucking-tastic Tom Wilkerson will play father Joe Kennedy Sr. And Joey goddamn Potter will play Jackie Kennedy.

Yowza.

(Source: CNN)

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Comments

She was good in Pieces of April, but that's about it really.

Posted by: Carrie (Teabelly) at April 30, 2010 11:14 AM

I don't wanna waaaaiittt, for our liiiiives to be ovvverrrr...

*headrevolver*

Posted by: branded at April 30, 2010 11:25 AM

Did Jackie have an actual personality? I mean, how hard can it be? Other than four days in November 1963, marrying a billionaire and wearing stylish (for the times) clothes, can anyone tell me stuff she actually did? Anyone? Anyone?

(Was she a magazine editor for awhile, or am I thinking of somebody else?)

Posted by: , at April 30, 2010 11:27 AM

And I lived through the '60s. She made lots of magazine covers, but I really don't recall much of anything that she actually DID.

Posted by: , at April 30, 2010 11:29 AM

Pieces of April was good, at least, I remember liking it. I can't remember much about it except for the struggle to get Thanksgiving dinner prepared.

I agree with pretty much everything else TK said here. Surely there is someone more qualified to play the part.

Posted by: Viking at April 30, 2010 11:32 AM

branded, that was perfect. I almost spit pretzel crumbs on my monitor, but that was awesome.

Thanks for terribly morbid and well-timed jokes.

Posted by: Kayanne at April 30, 2010 11:40 AM

She has beautiful boobies. Katie, not Jackie. Jackie's look is a little hard-edged for me. Like hugging a bag of sheet metal, that one.

Posted by: Kballs at April 30, 2010 11:42 AM

I liked Disturbing Behavior.

But I can't handle Katie Holmes' stroke victim facial expressions. The asymmetry of half her face just hanging there while the other half emotes freaks me out.

Maybe SHE should've been cast as Two-Face, now that I think about it.

Posted by: Nat Kittyface at April 30, 2010 11:52 AM

Jackie's look is a little hard-edged for me. Like hugging a bag of sheet metal, that one.

I know, it's like she's a bag of bones or something...

Posted by: Carrie (Teabelly) at April 30, 2010 11:56 AM

But Greg Kinnear as JFK is acceptable?

Wasn't Barry Pepper in Battlefield Earth? Hail Xenu indeed!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 30, 2010 11:59 AM

@ KBalls, I hate to tell you, but her tits in The Gift were clearly fake. It's also clear that she had the implants removed shortly after. And you can add her pregnancy to that. So, no, she's got no beautiful boobs.

Posted by: FabMax at April 30, 2010 11:59 AM

I have an unreasonable hatred for this actress that has nothing to do with Cruise or their ridiculous fake scam of a religion. I think it's the asymmetrical face. The primitive part of my brain reacts badly to it. I can't decide if she's faking it because she thinks it's cute, or if it's real, in which case I should feel bad because it's not her fault. But I hate her nonetheless.

She played a spectacular bitch in The Gift, though.

Posted by: DeadBessie at April 30, 2010 12:02 PM

Also, she was good in The Ice Storm. But really, the good news here is Greg Kinnear; no idea if he can do the accent, but if you HAVE to make another JFK movie for that weirdo mythology wanking, he's an interesting choice.

Posted by: Joseph J. Finn at April 30, 2010 12:02 PM

Wow, who did Katie bl-
I mean, who did Tom bl-
I mean-
...
My head hurts.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at April 30, 2010 12:28 PM

So we have Katie Holmes' Jackie O vs. Rachel Weisz' Jackie O?

Seriously, what in the Xenu hell?

Posted by: MM at April 30, 2010 12:30 PM

what the crap!? really!?

Posted by: stopthemadness at April 30, 2010 12:34 PM

Maybe her shirt would fit better (up there ^) if she was wearing one of
those 60s era brassieres. That looks nasty.

Posted by: Ms MoMo at April 30, 2010 12:46 PM

FabMax,
Whatever. Her perfect breasts will live forever in my memory. Just like knowing that Phoebe Cates' knockers are shaking hands with her belly button right now doesn't detract from their awesomeness 25 years ago, I can enjoy Katie's fleshy chesticles in my mind whenever I want. You'll never get a hard-on if you keep naysaying boobies, dude.

Posted by: Kballs at April 30, 2010 12:47 PM

FabMax,
Fake? On what planet? Those bounced entirely too well to be fake. Not to mention the hang and cleavage.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at April 30, 2010 12:56 PM

Barry Pepper will play RFK.

Barry Pepper from Battlefield Earth? Which was a story written by the founder of Scientology?

*gasp*

Scientology is co-opting the Kennedy's life story!

Posted by: superasente at April 30, 2010 1:18 PM

@ Deist They were too perfect. And why did they were smaller, have stretch marks and sagged only about two years later?

Posted by: FabMax at April 30, 2010 2:08 PM

I like that Barry Pepper is still getting work. He's been great in everything I've seen him in, including as that cipher of a sniper in Saving Pirate Ryan.

Posted by: Ian at April 30, 2010 2:31 PM

Oh God, when I saw the header I thought this meant she was replacing Rachel Weisz in the Aronofsky project, and I gasped aloud.

Posted by: sheshakes at April 30, 2010 3:20 PM

Jackie Kennedy was an accomplished woman on her own. She was a book editor, spoke several languages and studied art and french culture at the Sorbonne.

She also studied at Vassar and George Washington University. As first lady she strove to change the interior of the White House to reflect the history of the office and the country.

Plus, she seemed really cool.

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at April 30, 2010 3:23 PM

OK, seriously, dudes: you THINK that y'all are the connoisseurs of boobies and you "know" which ones are fake and real, but you DON'T. Leave it to the women to figure this shit out.

I don't know if Katie Holmes had fake boobs at one time and got them taken out, although I seriously doubt it or it would be plastered all over the interwebs in big letters. No celebrity has proven that good at keeping secrets. Regardless, the boobs in the picture above are REAL. They hang in a manner which is not congruent with implants.

As for the notion that Katie's boobs were "too perfect" in The Gift, I submit that fake boobs never look anything close to perfect. Getting implants will make your boobs bigger, and there are surgeries which can lift boobs into a more pleasing, higher position or improve certain defects, but surgery can never come close to achieving the beautiful, natural, perfect breast. Katie's boobs were both real and impressive in The Gift.

I don't think we've seen a lot of her boobies since she got married and had a kid, but if there are some pictures somewhere that made you think her boobs suffered a decline in overall quality, well, pregnancy can do that. (But it doesn't always.) It doesn't mean she had implants which have been removed.

In summation, I submit that although Katie Holmes is a shit actress and is married to a crazy gay Scientolo-elf, she has great real boobs.

Posted by: MM at April 30, 2010 3:48 PM

In The Gift Greg Kinnear's character kills hers. And now they're playing JFK and Jackie. Weird.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at April 30, 2010 5:01 PM

Lady TaTa?

Posted by: Recondite at April 30, 2010 5:19 PM

Posted by: TWoP_Fan at April 30, 2010 3:23 PM
---
Soooooo, she ... studied a lot, redecorated the White House and edited some books, AND wore clothes that were considered stylish at the time.

Yes, I can see why she's Important.

Posted by: , at April 30, 2010 5:45 PM

the only funny ha ha moment in batman begins was when katie tried to act like she was trippin out and close to death or acid-overload or whatever

Posted by: binge at April 30, 2010 6:42 PM

"Soooooo, she ... studied a lot, redecorated the White House and edited some books, AND wore clothes that were considered stylish at the time.

Posted by: , at April 30, 2010 5:45 PM"

Thank you! If she was so smart why did she have to study all the time?

Posted by: Ignatius J. Reilly at April 30, 2010 7:50 PM

http://www.gooople.com/details.php?image_id=74657

4 years after The Gift, before she married Cruise.

And now compare that with shots from the movie.

Posted by: FabMax at May 1, 2010 9:50 AM

"Hail Xenu!"? Fuck that. Did Xenu ever sit through a bad movie so I don't have to? Jesus either. I don't think He ever did. It's why I am a Godtopusfarian. *takes another hit of ganjapus* And I am one fucking committed Gostopusfarian. I've had a special tank built in my house where I keep actual octopi. I have 12 of them swimming in it, and let me tell you, it wasn't easy to cut out one eye from each of the slimy bastards, but I'm COMMITTED! I just cannot abide anything that comes with eights and has two eyes. So last night I met the Octomom and her eight kids in the parking lot of a McDonald's.

You'll probably be reading about it in the papers.

Posted by: , at May 1, 2010 12:26 PM

Oh that poor woman. Not EVERYONE can be gifted with perfect boobs. Particularly post-baby.
I am usually quick to toss out the defensive "Oh, those are FAKE!!!" argument when confronted with some ridiculous gravity defying knockers, but I have come to learn that
1) the mens, they don't CARE!!! BOOBS! That is all they are concerned with.
2) Overall, I ought not get defensive about it, mine are just fine, and anyone who complains can put their damn clothes on and GO HOME.
3) Those perfect Hollywood boobs are usually attached to a VERY imperfect person, and are often just a desperate attempt at self esteem. I mean, mine are similarly attached, but at least they are real.. Whoops, there I go again.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 1, 2010 3:41 PM

Props to whomever called Holmes out on her stroke face.

She was also in that godawful movie with Michael Keaton...which kinda reminds. Isn't she exactly like Alexis Bledel who was also in a godawful movie with Michael Keaton? They are both known for being pretty and equally as well known for sucking charisma out every fucking role their given.

As for Pieces of April? That is another movie that was good IN SPITE of Katie Holmes. She is no match for the combined awesome of Oliver Platt and Patricia Clarkson.

I feel like Katie Holmes shouldn't even warrant a discussion. She's a bland actress with a pretty face, not unlike a pretty face you see on the street or in a restaurant or on the subway. And playing Jackie O? Fuck me senseless.

Posted by: citizen_cris at May 1, 2010 5:06 PM

mine are just fine
---
"Just"? You're being modest.

Posted by: , at May 2, 2010 5:38 PM

at: That's the problem with the Kennedy's in general; lots of glamor, little substance. Never have so few been given credit by so many for so little.

Posted by: Heron at May 3, 2010 11:55 AM

Spoken like a true Republican, Heron....and Ronald "where's Mommy with my official papers" Reagan was a great president....

Anyhoooo. Jackie Kennedy lived in an era when most first ladies did not support causes, they just smiled a lot. JK was deeply interested in the arts, brought culture to the White House and in her later NYC period, spearheaded many campaigns to preserve historical landmarks, including Grand Central Station.
She did not "redecorate" the White House but restored it back to a historical home that the country could be proud of. She persuaded many Americans to donate aand contribute wonderful historic pieces from their personal collections to the White House where they belonged. Curiously, Nancy Reagan undid many of the improvements that JK made and redecorated to fit her own personal (gauche) tastes.
Maybe JK was not "important" in many of your opinions but she did contribute to society.

Posted by: jan at February 19, 2011 12:37 PM

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Meet the New Jackie Kennedy

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