If It Bleeds, It Leads
Yet another vampire film is being fast tracked, this one based on the novel Blood Oath. Here's where it gets great. The novel was only released yesterday. So, you know, the studios totally are judging its quality on anything other than "dude there's a vampire in it, we're going to need $20 million, food coloring, corn syrup, and a mule with no morals." And of course, they're already talking up the second book and I presume that we're less than a week from the big announcement that it's going to be a trilogy.
We haven't even gotten to the description of the plot yet:
The ultimate secret. The ultimate agent. The President's vampire. Zach Barrows is an ambitious young White House staffer whose career takes an unexpected turn when he's partnered with Nathaniel Cade, a secret agent sworn to protect the president. But Cade is no ordinary civil servant. Bound by a special blood oath, Cade has spent more than 140 years in service to the president, battling nightmares before they can break into the daylight world of the American dream. Immediately Zach and Cade receive their first joint assignment: one that uncovers a shadowy government conspiracy and a plot to attack the United States with a gruesome new biological weapon. Zach soon learns that the world is far stranger, and far more dangerous, than he ever imagined . . . and that his partner is the least of his problems.
Wow. Just wow. That sounds like something that "Saturday Night Live" would come up with to mock Hollywood's current vampire fetish. And we wouldn't even laugh because it'd be too dumb.
Then I thought to myself that it was probably even worse than it looked, so I went digging, all due diligence journalism and such. The author, Christopher Farnsworth, is a first time author and so I had this suspicion that he must be Miley Cyrus's boyfriend or Robert DeNiro's nephew's lover or some such nepotism.
Instead I find a guy who used to be a reporter and screenwriter who thought he'd try his hand at a novel. His blog is clever and genuine, the sort that would fit in among those of our readers. And I am deeply deeply confused. If it wasn't for actually researching I could have been comfortably ignorant and sighing in the fetid cocoon of my hate. Now I'm going to have to read the damned novel to see for sure.
Get entertainment, celebrity and politics updates via Facebook or Twitter. Buy Pajiba merch at the Pajiba Store.