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Ice Road Truckers: The Movie

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)



seyfried-trucker-cap.jpg

Did you know that if in the Pajiba article interface thing for adding a header image from the archive, one searches for the word “trucker,” two results come back? One is the image used by Michael Murray in his review of “Ice Road Truckers” last summer and one is of Amanda Seyfried wearing a trucker hat.

Right, on to the news portion of the news post. Fox picked up the movie rights for “Ice Road Truckers” when the show first premiered, and they are apparently grinding slowly towards actually making the film. John Moore, the director of Max Payne, has been attached and is proceeding to dry hump the living daylights out of the property to drum up interest.


“They’re hatching a plot around the storyline of the series, which covers a group of truckers who drive 18-wheelers over a 350-mile highway made of ice, as they haul equipment and supplies to diamond miners working in the tundra of Canada’s Northwest Territories. It’s a dangerous job given the brutal cold, breakdowns, crashes and melting ice on the remote roads are potentially fatal. “It is very much a tough guy movie,” Moore said. “Here’s a bunch of characters who tackle problems by getting in there and getting things done. We’ll turn it into a mission movie that harkens back to Towering Inferno, Jaws, or The Guns of Navarone. You got a problem, go solve it.” “

Look, the television series is about as boring as they come. It’s about truckers. There’s a camera showing them driving. That’s it. The show coasts on the constant ominous music and stock footage of thin ice viewed from below. I’m not discounting the danger that these drivers face, or shrugging at it in anyway. If I drove an 18 wheeler on an ice road above the Arctic circle, I wouldn’t even die because I’d be so incompetent that I’d manage to flip the damned truck while I was still inside getting coffee. Shows that get the documentary angle right like “The Deadliest Catch” or to a lesser degree “Ax Men” do so not because they show something dangerous, so much as because they show the day in and day out struggle of keeping financially above water, while focusing on the camaraderie and interaction of the men. There isn’t any camaraderie involved with watching someone drive down a road, no matter how dangerous the driving is.

The perverse thing is that this sort of show operates like a lottery ticket for the network that airs it. Do you think there’s a chance in hell that the History Channel doesn’t have the basic game plan laid out for marketing and tearful press conferences in case they luck out the worst case happens and someone does die on camera?

So yeah, “a mission movie” clearly means that someone saw a few episodes and wrote a completely unrelated movie using the setting as inspiration. I can tell you four things right now about this movie. First, it will be in 3D. Second, there will a hot female trucker with a shower scene, but cut just so that the film comes in at PG-13. Third, the protagonist will at some point fall through the ice during a fight. Fourth, Amanda Seyfried will not be in it.

(source: JoBlo)









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Comments

I have no interest at all in this news. That said, the header alone made it worth reporting on.

Nice work, Scoop.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at July 1, 2010 10:12 AM

Is there an internet petition for making this an all-female cast? Like a 70s prison movie except with an ice road and trucks.

Or! A snowy (yet steamy!) take on Smokey and the Bandit meets Thelma and Louise. On ice! Amanda Seyfried as Frog and Emma Stone as The Bandit. Angelina Jolie as Smokey. Who would play Snowman?

Also: ladysex in a shower after they fall through the ice during a fight (as suggested). Ladysex! That shit sells! Oh, man. I've got to move to Hollywood. I'm good at this.

Posted by: myjetski at July 1, 2010 10:22 AM

John Moore, the director of Max Payne

We're done here.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at July 1, 2010 10:26 AM

"minge foot" That's all I can think when I see her now.

Posted by: Jay at July 1, 2010 10:30 AM

"minge foot" That's all I can think when I see her now.

Posted by: Jay at July 1, 2010 10:30 AM

That's pretty sad, dude. You're clearly a prisoner of your own mind. Brake the shackles. Let yourself free.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at July 1, 2010 10:46 AM

Well, I was never bowled over anyway, but now there's this tinge of gross feeling.

Posted by: Jay at July 1, 2010 10:49 AM

I didn't know where else to post this, but here is a Word Cloud representation of the Pajiba Dictionary:
http://www.wordle.net/show/wrdl/2203094/Pajiba_Dictionary

Enjoy

Posted by: Patty O'Green at July 1, 2010 10:52 AM

Sandra (Cybill Shepherd) inherits her husbands trucking company after his unfortunate halibut-fishing accident, only to discover the company is in hock up to her Botoxed eyebrows. To get out of debt, she enlists her children, all girls, to drive the trucks on the treacherous ice roads. Her daughters include troubled teen Tamara (Miley Cyrus), independent lesbian Allie (Ellen Page) and her girlfriend Cissy (Evan Rachel Wood), down-sized investment banker Bethany (Kristen Bell) and earth-mother teacher Simone (Evangeline Lilly). When their company gets out of debt and becomes successful, Sandra becomes greedy and forces the girls to continue driving during a horrific blizzard, even putting her own mother, Alice (Betty White, duh) behind the wheel of a big rig. The girls enlist some of their friends, including Sadie (Zoe Saldana), Roxanne (Rosario Dawson) and grizzled trucking veterans Mike (Bruce Willis) his son Joe (Jared Padeleki), Horace (Titus Welliver) and Ox (Ving Rhames) to help them take down their evil mother, while the ice and hearts, melt.

Theme song, of course.....“Don’t wanna close my eeeyyyyeeessss/ cuz I might freeze and diiiiiieeeees/ oh, I missed the whale/ but I don’t wanna miss the seals…..

Posted by: dammitjanet at July 1, 2010 11:00 AM

dammitjanet

Let's take a lunch & run this concept up the flagpole to see if it waves. Sandra Bullock in place of Evangeline Lilly would probably secure international distribution, and I see Bruckheimer directing, to pull in the action audience.

We're gonna make a mint, baby.

Posted by: Lloyd at July 1, 2010 11:13 AM

Lloyd,

Tweet me where & when, sweetie, and I'll be there. I have no problem with some casting changes, except for Willis. I'm firm on Willis.

Dare I dream....Bruckheimer/Bay?

Posted by: dammitjanet at July 1, 2010 11:18 AM

dammitjanet, we should be friends. Also, we should start a studio with Lloyd.

Dreamworks DLM? Industrial Light & Awesome? So many possibilities!

Posted by: myjetski at July 1, 2010 11:33 AM

myjetski, you are absolutely part of this equation, babe.

How's this sound?

DaLlomy Productions, a division of PajibaCorp.

Posted by: dammitjanet at July 1, 2010 11:57 AM

dammitjanet: Perfect. We shall form like Voltron and bring Hollywood to its knees!

Also, we need to work Sigourney Weaver in there, somewhere. Maybe if Bruce isn't available? Or am I just dreaming now?

Posted by: myjetski at July 1, 2010 1:22 PM

Well, Sigourney was pretty good at being bad in Holes....we could swap out Cybill for her.....

Posted by: dammitjanet at July 1, 2010 1:31 PM

She needs a comeback, and I can't imagine Ghostbusters 3 and the Alien prequels are gonna be there for her like DaLlomy Productions, a division of PajibaCorp, would be.

Posted by: myjetski at July 1, 2010 1:46 PM

True, true. And, we won't turn her into a blue kittenchimp....

Posted by: dammitjanet at July 1, 2010 1:52 PM

One of the truckers featured in Ice Road Truckers is a babe, who doesn't actually look all that different from Amanda Seyfried.

How do I know this? Insomnia, OK? And only, like 800 channels. Don't judge.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at July 1, 2010 2:01 PM

Judge? Pajiba? Pish Tosh.

Posted by: vryce98 at July 1, 2010 6:33 PM

Dear Lord, they're ACTUALLY thinking of making this??!!!

I remember that one proposal included Bruce Willis (Yippee-ki-yay, Mothertruckers!)-but if you're to birth this abortion of a movie, you should see about getting Sarah and Todd Palin (the proposed scenario had terrorists threatening the Alaskan Pipeline with a nuclear weapon, and you could have the Palins riding in on Todd's snowmobile and Sarah exhibiting her wolf-shooting skills on the putative terrorists).

I STILL can't believe they're thinking of making this...

Posted by: MadMike at July 1, 2010 9:34 PM

John Moore, the director of Max Payne

Whatever he does, he needs to use Max Payne's "Bullet Time" on this. Oh, oh, Amanda Seyfried running from her truck firing dual shotguns (fuck the real-wolrd physics) at a terrorist in bulllet time! I'd pay for that.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 1, 2010 10:23 PM

Bo,bo,bo,I do not care the news ,I care the picture. What a sunny girl she is! I dream that she is my girl, but I have had a girl through "wealthymingle.net",it is the first, largest and most effective site in the world to connect with, date, and marry successful, beautiful people. I do not mind have another one,factually.

Posted by: rexchen at July 1, 2010 11:16 PM

Holy fuck, the spambot is losing oil!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 2, 2010 12:58 AM

I really want to do lustful carnal pornographic things to Amanda Seyfried. There I said it.
Maybe I should write her a letter!

Posted by: supafly at July 2, 2010 9:17 AM

supafly: It worked for me. Give it a go!

Posted by: myjetski at July 2, 2010 10:40 AM

One of my favorite shows!

Posted by: Bob @ Freight Trucking at July 4, 2010 12:17 PM