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How Very Witty of Them

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (14)

The_gates_of_Rome_detail.jpg

Gianni Nunnari (Producer of 300 and Alexander) and Mark Canton (producer of 300 and the upcoming Xerxes, Immortals, and most importantly Piranha 3D) are out to prove that they have a shared sandal fetish by getting behind an adaptation of the Conn Iggulden series Emperor, which follows the life of Julius Caesar from wee training-toga and velcro sandals until Brutus ceremoniously carves him at the first Thanksgiving when they can’t find a turkey (Antony was hiding it, it was on the other side of Greece all along!).

The series has five novels so far: The Gates of Rome, The Death of Kings, The Field of Swords, The Gods of War, and according to Wikipedia, the deliciously titled Untitled fifth book (TBA). As a complete aside, does it strike anyone else as an odd coincidence that the second and third novels of George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire are named A Clash of Kings and A Storm of Swords?

The Sunday Times pointed out that “If you liked Gladiator you’ll love Emperor.” I’m just not sure how to parse that faint praise. Gladiator was certainly entertaining, it had skinny Robin Hood and that crazy white rapper who’s not Eminem, so it couldn’t really go wrong. On the other hand, it had that perfect level of historical silliness such that it would have been equally inaccurate if they’d set it anywhere from about 300 B.C. to 300 A.D. There were togas, sandals, and a coliseum, which while representing 3/4 of the Roman historical legacy to popular American consciousness, completely leaves out the most important contribution: orgies.

In any case, the adaptation of Emperor is gaining steam and will undoubtedly feature all manner of fast cuts and slow motion. If it’s successful, they plan on making it a trilogy, because of course they do. A great deal of human endeavours can be explained by the simple and universal psychology that one thing can be good, two is subpar, three can be epic, and anything more than that is just silly. It applies to absolutely everything, or your money back.

That leaves a very simple question though: given the extraordinary resonance of the television series “Rome” with contemporary politics, how exactly do they propose to make an unrelated film franchise relevant whilst covering most of the same events?

(source: SlashFilm)









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Comments

Snore. Will someone redo I, Claudius already? How often do I have to beg?

Posted by: BWeaves at May 19, 2010 10:05 AM

Veni, vidi, dormivi.

Posted by: branded at May 19, 2010 10:31 AM

[H]ow exactly do they propose to make an unrelated film franchise relevant whilst covering most of the same events?

Poorly and loudly, my friends. Poorly and fucking loudly.

Posted by: Kballs at May 19, 2010 10:38 AM

BREAK MEDIA: WE KNOW GUYS!

Well, apparently, you don't. Pajiba is run by one Dustin "I Love RR's abs" Tootsierolls, and is read mostly by women.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 19, 2010 10:41 AM

Is that picture supposed to be of a metallic piranha smiling at me? Because that is what I see, and it is scaring me.

Posted by: Lindsay at May 19, 2010 10:45 AM

that crazy white rapper who’s not Eminem
---
Matisyahu?

Posted by: , at May 19, 2010 11:03 AM

Matisyahu crazy? The word you're looking for is Jewtastic!

And is there a better red flag than "if you liked ___, you'll love___!"?

It's never followed by anything that properly belongs there. It should be reserved for expressions such as "if you like chocolate, you'll love nutella!".

Instead it's reserved for (as a blanket statement) "if you love this movie, you won't love this shitty copy complete with bad acting, cheap effects, and minimal effort, which was made solely to compare to other, better projects so you can try to talk yourself into spending money on it!".

The point is, don't call Matisyahu crazy. Crazygenius is acceptable in it's place.

Posted by: D-Day at May 19, 2010 12:03 PM

Is that picture supposed to be of a metallic piranha smiling at me? Because that is what I see, and it is scaring me.

Thats EXACTLY what I saw too. I stared for two minutes saying to myself "Is that a shark? Piranha? Evil whale about to devour my soul? And what does it have to do with Caesar?"

Posted by: bionic woman at May 19, 2010 12:20 PM

Rome was already an anachronistic mess and an affront to history. But watching Vorenus and Pullo behead everything in sight, Atia scheme, and Cleopatara crawl up every vertical surface in the known world was silly, stupid fun.
If 300 is anything to go by, this new movie is going to strip out all the soap-operatics that made Rome so charming and replace it with a bunch of strangely homoerotic homophobia.

Posted by: Inaras at May 19, 2010 12:31 PM

I'll stick to the blood and swords and endless nudity of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, thank you very much. More people should watch it so we can get at least 3 more seasons of blood and swords and endless nudity!

Posted by: figgy at May 19, 2010 12:58 PM

This title for the fifth book is being tossed about: The Salad of Eggs.

Posted by: laredo at May 19, 2010 1:08 PM

Instead of going over Roman periods that have been done already, and done well by Rome and I, Claudius, they should go a bit further back and cover the Sulla\Gaius Marius era. There was every bit as much horrible violence, political intrigue, and sex back then.

Classical History nerd has spoken.

Posted by: imk at May 19, 2010 4:07 PM

Figgy for President! (Screw that "native born" thing. Wait. Then they'd threaten to subject me to "President Schwarzzen...*gag*"

Nope. Sorry. Couldn't even finish that thought without [horf].


Posted by: Meggrs at May 19, 2010 6:30 PM

I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw a shark or piranha in that picture. Every time I see it I get a little freaked out.

Posted by: lainiefig at May 20, 2010 8:45 AM