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They Will Devour Your Soul

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (18)

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Sadly, I don’t know why no one thought of this sooner. There are so many asinine, imbecilic, horrifyingly ass-tastic properties being developed into films, I’m frankly stunned that some collection of brain-scrambled shit-throwing idea-monkeys didn’t come up with this sooner. But, as with death, taxes, and the realization that the universe is an uncaring whore who will ruthlessly fuck you at the first opportunity, it was all but inevitable.

Trolls.

Fucking trolls.

No, not the bridge-dwelling type. Not the internet forum shitbrain type either.

The fucking frizzy-haired, pedo-smiling plastic kind. Apparently, they’re actually called Good Luck Trolls.

And Dreamworks is making a movie out of them. Apparently, they were featured in Toy Story 3. I did not know that. Nor did I want to. Here are some other not even remotely fun facts about them.

  • They were actually created in 1959, by Thomas Dam, a Danish woodcutter and fisherman.
  • The project will be a collaboration between DreamWorks and Niels Dam, his son.
  • An anagram of Niels Dam is Damn Lies. I’m just sayin’.
  • They are also known as Dam Dolls, Gonks, Wishniks, Treasure Trolls, Happy Troll Dolls, and Norfins.
  • The dolls are actually vessels for demons from Tartarus, who destroy children’s souls and feed on hope.
  • They were originally called Leprocauns.
  • Cerebrospinal fluid is being vomited from my eye sockets as I write this.

Good luck, my ass.

(Source: Coming Soon)









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Comments

Good luck, my ass.

It's a crazy day when your ass needs luck.

Posted by: mswas at June 23, 2010 11:09 AM

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: no at June 23, 2010 11:14 AM

I must be broken. I kind of find this funny.

Posted by: tamatha at June 23, 2010 11:15 AM

I should clarify. I find the idea of this movie kind of funny. I definitely do not find it funny that TK has Cerebrospinal fluid vomiting from his eye sockets. Poor TK.

Posted by: tamatha at June 23, 2010 11:17 AM

Come on, casting for this should be fun! Who wouldn't want to be known for their role in trolls. And hey, with Heros going off the air Hayden Painitterewhateverthehell needs the work.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 23, 2010 11:20 AM

Hadn't someone here already commented on that, that it was only a matter of time before someone made a movie about trolls? Hey shit throwing idea monkeys, you should make a movie about the milk carton in the blur video!

Posted by: Xoch at June 23, 2010 11:24 AM

I thought Smurfs were just blue trolls, and they're making a movie about them. Damn you NPH. I won't watch. You can't make me.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 23, 2010 11:26 AM

I definitely do not find it funny that TK has Cerebrospinal fluid vomiting from his eye sockets.

I do.

Posted by: jM at June 23, 2010 11:48 AM

I'm with you, jM.

Posted by: A-schaef at June 23, 2010 11:50 AM

They should cast the Olsen twins. They'd save a lot of money on special effects.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 23, 2010 12:58 PM

This reminds me of the day 'Monopoly' was announced as a live-action film in development. It's a somber day for wanna be screen writers here in Silver Lake.

Posted by: Barnes78 at June 23, 2010 1:32 PM

I'm excited about the prospects for my "EZ bake oven" romcom script. Jennifer Anniston, Gerard Butler and Danny Trejo in a wild romp through the wacky world of cupcake trucks and cake decorating contests.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 23, 2010 1:47 PM

I knew I should have held on to my collection. Nothing ever goes away for good anymore. There has to be a Beanie Babies movie right around the corner.

Posted by: , at June 23, 2010 2:03 PM

"I'm excited about the prospects for my "EZ bake oven" romcom script. Jennifer Anniston, Gerard Butler and Danny Trejo in a wild romp through the wacky world of cupcake trucks and cake decorating contests."

Posted by: Mrcreosote

Awesome.

Tagline? "They just fucked with the wrong pastry chef".

Climatic scene? After the county bakeoff, in which Trejo's character is unjustly robbed of the crown (tiara?), he goes on a blood soaked rampage of ultra violence, culminating with him taking Aniston and Butler out behind the stage tent to teach them a lesson.

With a hay fork.

Posted by: Groundloop at June 23, 2010 3:37 PM

Coming soon to a theater near you...

Pet Rocks: The Movie

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 23, 2010 5:33 PM

*leaves planet*

Posted by: greer at June 23, 2010 6:45 PM

Oh no! The orphans!

Posted by: vikky at June 23, 2010 9:00 PM

Look, we've already established that Danny Trejo loves kittens and English tea. I'm sure the climax of my movie involves a touching scene at the seashore, or possibly an erotic tea service. Even though I'm not sure exactly what that would entail.

Posted by: mrcreosote at June 23, 2010 9:56 PM