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Coming to a Beach Near You: Heidi Montag's Shark-Killing Boobs

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (39)

heidi-montag-pink-bikini.jpg

That brilliant fucking brain inside the rattling head of Heidi Montag wants to write a movie, folks. That’s right — screenwriting does not actually require an ability to spell correctly or form a coherent thought, so why not? Ms. Montag has been going around town — apparently on the heels of the giant ego boost selling a whopping 658 copies of her music CD has given her — telling folks that she’s ready to write and star in her own movie.

What would the 23-year-old thespian make a movie about, you ask? Apparently, she’s already scrawled out a screenplay on her iPhone in text speak about — and I’m not kidding here — a lifeguard named Summer who saves the beach from sharks using her boobs.

*triplelindyfacedesk*

That’s right. How her boobs will save an entire beach full of people is something of a mystery, though my guess is that she kills it in the same way that those plastic soda-can rings strangle ducks: She’s just going to smother that shark with her womanhood. And guess what? She wants Dolly Parton to play the mayor.

(Quick: Without looking it up, what decade was Dolly Parton born in?)

Oh wait: There’s more. The movie should be in 3D (of course), and Montag describes it as Barbie meets Bourne, which is funny because if Bourne met Barbie, he’d beat her to death with a periodical. “”I want to be blonde tomb raider, i’m better with guns then both Angelina [Jolie] and Megan fox put together!” she Tweeted to her million followers.

One million followers. One million people are interested in the empty 140-character thoughts of Heidi Montag.

(Related: Since I no longer keep up with gossip, I had no idea this woman had had such extensive plastic surgery. I don’t think Jesus would’ve approved).


(Source: News in Film)









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Comments

If that chick in that snake vs. snake movie could track snakes with her implants, I don't see why Heidi can't kill sharks with hers.

Posted by: BWeaves at April 15, 2010 10:56 AM

I would totally watch this, provided they a) used real sharks, b) didn't use any shark wranglers, and c) had her wear a chum-bathing suit.

Just pitch her over the side. Every time she makes a grab for the side of the boat, shoot her with a spear gun.

Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at April 15, 2010 10:58 AM

I can actually see it now. It would be like that scene in the MegaPyhranna movie where that guy lays on his back and kicks the fish; only Heidi, I mean Summer, would be laying on her back in the sand and slapping the sharks out of the air with her implants.

THIS IS GOING TO BE AN AWESOME MOVIE!

Posted by: BWeaves at April 15, 2010 10:58 AM

I know I say this about a lot of people... OK, most people... but this time I mean it: She is truly a wretched and despicable human being, and I wish her nothing but misery and suffering.

Posted by: TK at April 15, 2010 11:00 AM

You people are crazy. What is not to love about this? She's going to be half naked and jogging the entire movie. And battling 3D sharks.

It's like God was taking notes when I was 13.

Posted by: superasente at April 15, 2010 11:05 AM

I'll just come right out and say it: She was pretty hot after her first round of surgery. A hot fame-hungry moron dumbshit asshole monkey. Then she ruined it with 93 more procedures. Aside from her giant, beautiful tits, she just went too far.

Posted by: Kballs at April 15, 2010 11:06 AM

I vote that TK should review it.

Posted by: figgy at April 15, 2010 11:16 AM

Hey you guys! Heidi Montag-Pratt here! Jesus loves you! Do you know what else Jesus loves? Sharks being hammered by gigantic fake tits! I know this because the idea for this movie came to me after Spencer and I prayed for four hours straight while clutching crystals sold to us by Stephen Baldwin! Jesus came to me and said, "Heidi, you are so much better than Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox put together, both in the amount of plastic parts and the hugeness of your tits. Use what I gave you, well, what you bought with the money I kind of gave you when I gave you a television show, ahem, to show the world how glorious Mega-tits vs. Sharks can really be."

And so I totally wrote this movie while pretending to emote on The Hills and in-between writing songs for a new album. I just know the next one will totally sell 700 copies! Well, I have to go pray and then fame-whore, so I'll talk to you all later!

Posted by: Heidi Montag-Pratt at April 15, 2010 11:18 AM

I vote you get kicked in the face.

Posted by: TK at April 15, 2010 11:19 AM

I have now fucking read that about 4 times, just to make sure that I wasn't still asleep and having another fucking weird dream that somehow involved Pajiba (I need to change my drinking habits) tits and sharks. Couldn't she do something more useful with her time, like breaking watermelon's with her tits?

Posted by: bob at April 15, 2010 11:19 AM

I will watch this SO DRUNK.

Posted by: Julie at April 15, 2010 11:21 AM

”I want to be blonde tomb raider, i’m better with guns then both Angelina [Jolie] and Megan fox put together!” she Tweeted to her million followers.

...can she have a Brandon Lee styled "accident" with those guns? Please?

Posted by: KatSings at April 15, 2010 11:21 AM

The only way I'll watch it is if it's hardcore sharky porn and Montag is the meat-puppet.

Posted by: admin at April 15, 2010 11:25 AM

another fucking weird dream that somehow involved Pajiba [...] tits and sharks.

What I want to know is, why am I *not* having those dreams? I think I need to change my drinking habits too.

Posted by: Anna von Murderpuppet at April 15, 2010 11:26 AM

Hiedi Montag is just a young Lolo Ferrari. I happily await for the 3-D porn career to start.

Posted by: peanut at April 15, 2010 11:27 AM

What really kills me is that this cunt has no discernible talent or intelligence and she's making millions. I, on the other hand, am very intelligent with lots of talents and as of today have no income. Fuck her and fuck her agent and fuck all the fans that are still making it possible for her to inflict her presence on popular culture. I hope she gets an infection from one of the 357 surgeries she's had and ends up looking like Sloth from the Goonies.

Sorry, I can't muster anything but rage today.

Posted by: stardust at April 15, 2010 11:40 AM

i really want to kick this bitch in the ham wallet.

Posted by: stopthemadness at April 15, 2010 11:54 AM

Assuming there is a sequel to this (bc someone in Hollywood will be stupid enough to throw cash at this), I'm guessing she will save the beach from a giant eel by deep-throating it to death. I'm sure she's had plenty of practice on producers and directors.

Posted by: Soup at April 15, 2010 11:56 AM

"Ham wallet." Heh.

I'm going to say Dolly Parton was born in the 40s.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 15, 2010 11:58 AM

She should be focusing on her possible guest appearance in the sequel to The Human Centipede. She's the after shot of what happens to the girls unfortunate enough to escape the ass to mouth of it all: they're turned to plastic.

Posted by: Robert at April 15, 2010 11:59 AM

She's the after shot of what happens to the girls unfortunate enough to escape the ass to mouth of it all: they're turned to plastic. to food after it's run the digestive train.

Fixed.

Posted by: admin at April 15, 2010 12:06 PM

"Ham Wallet" is the name of my band. We mostly do Depeche Mode covers and a few prog-rock-fusion originals.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at April 15, 2010 12:10 PM

Ham Wallet! With special guests Cock Vulture and Twatastic!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at April 15, 2010 12:13 PM

She's 23? Doesn't look a day over 45.

Posted by: sansho1 at April 15, 2010 12:19 PM

Breaking News:

"In other news, Heidi Montag was seen flying past the famous Hollywood sign earlier today. Friends and family have told us that the not-really famous 'reality' television 'star' was suffering from bouts of depression after realizing that her ridiculously over-sized implants were not only more famous than her, but also had more personality.

Eyewitness reports indicate that in an attempt to garner even more unwarranted attention, Montag was in the process of ripping off her shirt for reporters when her demon-like talons accidentally punctured the freakish appendages, causing her to rocket through L.A. like a 1980's era Scud missile. Authorities are still searching for her remains, although the effort is halfhearted, at best.

Posted by: Xtreme at April 15, 2010 12:22 PM

Heee, I win!

Posted by: figgy at April 15, 2010 12:54 PM

Figgy: I vote TK REAL TIME reviews it.

Posted by: TylerDFC at April 15, 2010 12:59 PM

Comments get more creative on Thursdays, does anyone else notice that? This thread for example is GOLD.

Ham Wallet? HAM WALLET? I'm stealing that.

Posted by: superasente at April 15, 2010 1:03 PM

I'm a bit of a Pleb and so had to Google "Ham Wallet" I have since made a new best friend. The Urban Dictionary. I have also fallen in love with "Ham Wallet" and "Female Genital Unit".
Can anyone tell me what the sea smelt like before the Female Genital Unit (formally known as Heidi Montag) stepped into it???

Posted by: peanut at April 15, 2010 1:25 PM

I'd watch this shizzle. You know, if I go to hell and there's a tv in there somewheres.

Posted by: Mooseknuckle at April 15, 2010 1:32 PM

Dolly Parton has far too much class to get together with Heidi Montag. And I'm not being sarcastic - I love that big-breasted plastic woman and am annoyed that her name has been sullied by association.

Posted by: squeeziee at April 15, 2010 1:36 PM

it smelled much cleaner.

Posted by: Iris at April 15, 2010 1:37 PM

Well, now I know the plot for La Fin Absolue du Monde 2.

Posted by: bleujayone at April 15, 2010 2:05 PM

That picture is so... surreal. And simultaneously awful. It burns my eyeballs... God that woman is disgusting!!! I have it on good authority that Jesus does not approve.

Posted by: MM at April 15, 2010 2:36 PM

Barbie Meatcurtains has a problem. The beach where she lifeguards is being overrun by sharks eating her swimmers. What is a beautiful and intelligent lifeguard to do when all she cares about is at stake? Fight back, of course! Barbie takes on the sharks by puncturing her massive mammaries and submerging them in the bay, effectively poisoning the entire marine ecosystem. Spencer Pratt makes a special appearance as Rock Stonechest, a rich but conflicted industrialist who has sex with all the dead animals that wash up on Barbie's beach while simultaneously loathing them for not being as awesome as he is. Co-starring Audrina Patridge as the beach sand.

Barbie's Beach: The Sharkpocalypse Begins (coming soon in sphincter melting 3D!)

Posted by: JustBill at April 15, 2010 2:43 PM

superasente

Sadly, I know from a recent PL link, that Heidi Montag-Pratt no longer jogs because of how delicate her body is after getting those hideous implants. So, I'm guessing she'll be walking on the beach/into the water, rather than jogging, and I'm also guessing that kind of ruins the image for ya.

Posted by: tamatha at April 15, 2010 4:38 PM

I want to see this movie. I want to read the script as well, just to make funny of her.

Posted by: Mad Claw at April 15, 2010 5:28 PM

I think I heard Dolly's nearing 80 (!) so I'm going with the '30s.

Who's Heidi Montag?

Posted by: , at April 15, 2010 11:33 PM

According to IMDb Dolly Parton was born January 19, 1946.

In other news, I'm stealing the phrase ham wallet. And Barbie Meatcurtains.

Posted by: Even Stevens at April 16, 2010 12:46 AM