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Oh, Suck It

By Aquaman, Guest Writer | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (54)

Green-Lantern-Movie.png

Big fuckin’ deal. I don’t know why everyone gets their goddamn land-panties all syrupy because of a stupid Green Lantern movie. Like anyone gives a shit. The guy wears a ring. Yippee for you, douchebag. You know who you are without the ring, Mr. Jordan? Another dumbass flyboy who can’t get laid. You think Carol Ferris would even waste her time with you if you didn’t have the ring? Fuck no. Personally, I think she’s just got a thing for green tights. Hey, you know who’s got two thumbs, talks to fish, and also wears green tights?

This guy. Yeah, that’s right. Alls I’m sayin’ is, when she goes loco and turns into Star Sapphire, I’m makin’ my move, baby. Dolphin rides all around.

That’s fucking right, you big green pussy. So why don’t you take your lame-ass fucking ring and form a dick, since you clearly don’t have one, and then feel free to go fuck yourself with it. And the rest of you ungrateful assholes — go ahead. Mock the king of the sea. I told you before, the next motherfucker who says shit about me or Aqualad (I know, I know, he’s a bit of a poof, but cut the dude some slack) is gonna get strangled by a squid, dismembered by hammerheads, and raped by dolphins. Not in that order. Dicks.

Anyway, let’s take a look at the new posters for you fucksuckers (click to enlarge).

First, we’ve got The Lantern (Ryan Reynolds) himself. Whoopie fuckin’ doo. Hey, what happens when you take a leak? You know, with the whole allergic-to-yellow thing. Do you pass out every time you touch it?

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Next up, his hooker girlfriend (Blake Lively). Who, incidentally, is gonna end up being a serious bitch one of these days. I’m just sayin’.

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Now, we’ve got the one for Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard). Hey, you know what’s cool about Hammond? He’s got a big fuckin’ head. That’s it. What a douche-guzzle.

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Finally, the big red ass-monkey himself, Sinestro (Mark Strong). Hey, pigfucker, Ron Jeremy called — he wants his mustache back. And while we’re at it, here’s some sunblock, you fucking ballbiting shit-swallower.

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Not that I’m bitter or anything. Not that this fucking planet is 70% fucking water or anything. Meaning that I basically OWN 70% of your goddamn planet. But do I get a movie? Noooo. I get some goddamn fuckstick on “Entourage” playing me in a fake movie. Fuck you guys. You’re lucky I don’t fill your beaches with lampreys and electric eels, you goddamn ingrates. Hey! Don’t you ignore me! I’m the king of the motherfucking sea! HEY! I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!

(source: Slashfilm)









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Comments

Real Atlantis men don't wear foofy costumes, AquaMary.
Bring it.

Posted by: Mark Harris at July 27, 2010 11:39 AM

" Hey, what happens when you take a leak? You know, with the whole allergic-to-yellow thing. Do you pass out every time you touch it? "

AHAHHAHAHHAHA!

Remind what the difference is between Green Lattern and Green Hornet? I keep getting them mixed up.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 27, 2010 11:41 AM

They going for the Yoda school of thought here?

Escape my sight no evil shall.

Posted by: Carrie at July 27, 2010 11:41 AM

Shouldn't we have put them in order so the "No evil shall escape my sight" thing would make more sense?

Pay attention to detail, Aquaman. Seriously, this is why you don't have a movie.
Douchenozzle.

Posted by: A-schaef at July 27, 2010 11:44 AM

You got those posters out of order, Aquanuts.

Posted by: myjetski at July 27, 2010 11:44 AM

Blah, blah, blah. Nobody fears a "hero" who can be shocked into catatonia by a $6 lunch at Long John Silver.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 27, 2010 11:46 AM

Have you ever HAD the 6 dollar lunch at Long John Silvers? There's no one who can eat that and function in society. Place hasn't bought any damned seafood since 1974. It's just breading, grease and roach parts. Kind of like Black Manta's dates from Craigslist! BAM! Yeah, I'm calling him out! Oh, and by the way Aquaman, Mera doesn't think I'm all that much of a poof! Wait, is that incest or something? I'm not really sure.

Posted by: Aqualad at July 27, 2010 11:56 AM

Hey, you know what? I'm not allergic to anything. So I guess that makes me superior to the Green Hornet.

So what I'm trying to say is that I could take him on, fer-sher. I sure as hell wouldn't mind breaking his girlfriend into pieces, and having him bend at my will once he is in my clutches.

Ah fuck it. Just sign me up for being a criminal mastermind right now.


Posted by: penelope at July 27, 2010 12:02 PM

You're a poser, and a pathetic excuse for an sea dweller Aquaman. I'd rather take it up the imperius rextum (damn near imperius killed em) from a beluga whale, then listen to you prattle on any further.

Your none too subtle lust for Hal Jordan, coupled with your apparent sexual confusion is sad, and boring. You are practically begging for Hal Jordan to shove his green ringed fist up your ass and recharge your power battery.

Make like a pelican, take a dip in the gulf, you fucking loser.

Posted by: Namor, the Sub-Mariner at July 27, 2010 12:26 PM

Oh, now this is some bullshit right here. Aquaman gets a guest spot? AQUAMAN?

In the immortal words of Dr. Dre, "We started this gangsta' shit -- and this the motherfuckin' thanks I get?"

*generates yellow construct of Godtopus -- all eight arms are giving the finger*

Posted by: Sinestro at July 27, 2010 12:40 PM

Well, look his decided to surface from the undersea-world of don't give a fuck!

Put a shirt on yet, Namor, you traipsing little tart? You can rag on on Aquatard all you want, but don't forget in the mid-70s you looked like a cross between a rhintestone marlin and the Village People's pass-around groupie.

Speaking of sexual confusion, how's it going lusting after your cousin? We don't call her the Mer-whore in Latveria for nothing.

Why don't you take those little wings on your feet and fly straight into a bucket of go-fuck-yourself.

Posted by: Victor von Doom at July 27, 2010 12:42 PM

I discovered the Negative Zone. I single-handedly defeated Galactus, Eater Of Worlds. I have thwarted mutiple invasions and incursions by the Skrull empire. I am truly Fantastic.

And I still can't figure out how to shut you up, Namor, you dick.

Posted by: Reed Richards at July 27, 2010 12:44 PM

All I want to know is: who do I have to blow to get MY movie made? What next? Green Arrow and Bucky getting their movie? Martian Manhunter and his purple junk getting a trilogy with Paul Bettany playing him?

I'm still stuck in the 70s. And you know why? Fear of my mighty vagina dentata!

Posted by: Wonder Woman at July 27, 2010 12:48 PM

I am truly Fantastic.

Not what your wife said, wet noodle.

Posted by: Victor von Doom at July 27, 2010 12:50 PM

Hey fellas! What's going on?

Posted by: Pixie Stix at July 27, 2010 12:53 PM

Oh, big bad Doom. Ruler of Latveria, the boil on Europe's ass.

Big talk from someone who dresses like a cross between a Knight of the Pass-around-table and Little Green Give-it-to-me-in-the-butt Hood.

Go back to playing with your robotic dildoes, dogface.

Posted by: Namor, the Sub-Mariner at July 27, 2010 1:03 PM

...who do I have to blow to get MY movie made?

Me. I'm the guy.
Let's make this happen.

Posted by: superasente at July 27, 2010 1:04 PM

Oh great, Stretch Arm-dong and Dr.Doomee Harder. Sadder than the fact Aquaman can't get over his own insecurities, but we have the Marvel Moron Twins chiming in.

If I remember correctly you guys did a lot of experimenting on each other in college, right?

Don't want up for Sue tonight RR, she'll be busy deep sea deep throating. Why don't you drop the act, admit your longing, and cuddle up to Doom's cold hard steal schlong. It's been hard for you long enough. Use your stretchy powers and fashion yourself a cavernous mangina, you rubbery waste of flesh.

Imperius rex!

Posted by: Namor, the Sub-Mariner at July 27, 2010 1:07 PM

Posted by: Namor, the Sub-Mariner at July 27, 2010 1:11 PM

Why don't I just make this a lot more fun to see who ends up killing each other, that way, "I! WIN!"

Posted by: Mister Mxyzptlk at July 27, 2010 1:13 PM

Listen to you bitches. Sitting around arguing over who has the smallest dick. That broad with the rope, Wonder Woman? She's probably got you all beat.

Do me a favor - save me the trouble and just kill yourselves.

Posted by: Lobo at July 27, 2010 1:14 PM

Hey Merman, who does your eyebrows?

http://www.starstore.com/acatalog/marvel-sub-mariner-comiquette.jpg

My sister is looking for something a little more androgenous.

Don't quit your gay job.

Posted by: Victor von Doom at July 27, 2010 1:29 PM

What Lobo said.

is gonna get strangled by a squid, dismembered by hammerheads, and raped by dolphins.

That's so cute. You're like that kid Ma-Ti that had the power of heart who helped Captain Planet. Because you can control animals! Cause that's a useful power if your opponent doesn't have a weapon. Please, I can scare all of your cat food away with one look.

And Wonder Woman, how'd that thing that one time go with the Invisible Man and Superman?

Posted by: Parallax at July 27, 2010 1:29 PM

We would have words with thee, losers.

Posted by: Thor at July 27, 2010 1:32 PM

You Aquadicks are really getting on my nerves.

Posted by: Marine Boy at July 27, 2010 1:38 PM

Hey look everybody its Thor! What's it like to be a woman now?

http://www.tgfa.org/comics/thor/images/EarthX_05_Cover.jpg

I mean...do you play with your breasts a lot? What's the deal with the longer more powerful orgasm? Does PMS affect your fighting?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

Posted by: Parallax at July 27, 2010 1:42 PM

HA! Thor got zinged.
I don't care who y'are, that's funny raght there.

Posted by: Spider-Man at July 27, 2010 1:57 PM

Oh SHUT UP PARKER, you annoying little New York excuse for a 8th rate super goody two shoes. Go sleep with Gwen Stacy.

Posted by: Wolverine at July 27, 2010 1:59 PM

And out came a spider *excessive licking*...it seems Pansy Parker has come out to weigh in on the fesssstivities *more saliva*

To quote myself on that Thor costume, "Its creator is a drooling idiot!"

Posted by: Carnage at July 27, 2010 2:03 PM

Am I the only one waiting for a Green Arrow movie? Sigh.

Posted by: Samantha at July 27, 2010 2:06 PM

Gee, thanks, Wolvy! I'ma go do that.

And you might wanna add some o' those Kellogg's Fiber Plus Bars to your diet.
It might help that adamantium asshole attitude you got goin' on there, big guy.

Posted by: Spider-Man at July 27, 2010 2:07 PM

Hey Carnage -- aren't you space dust these days? Pretty sure the Golden Guardian of Good (gay) flew you into space and tore you to shreds.

Whatever, this shit is out of control. Next I'll be deflecting insults from Nomad, Thunderstrike and the Spider-Clone in the most retarded resurgence of the 90's since that lame Kurt Kobain biopic a couple of years ago.

Posted by: Sinestro at July 27, 2010 2:14 PM

Hey, that was uncalled for. You're a dick, Sinestro.

Posted by: Scarlet Spider at July 27, 2010 2:16 PM

Sorry, Parallax. I can't hear you over the sound of all that major motion picture paper I'm stackin'. Fuck a Uru hammer, I need an Uru Brinks truck, ya heard? Come talk to me when somebody who isn't a finger-sniffing fanboy knows who you are and maybe I'll let Volstagg's kids slap you around for shits and giggles. I mean, damn. You got your ass-whipped by a painting of Rayner's mother. So the score is: Universe-spanning distillation of pure fear-0. Shit hanging on a motel room wall-1.

Posted by: Thor at July 27, 2010 2:21 PM

Where are the Wonder Twins when you need them?!

Posted by: figgy at July 27, 2010 2:22 PM

What Thor? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your hair dryer.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 27, 2010 2:24 PM

Damn, Thor ain't fucking around. That'll teach you to fuck with a dude with a hammer, P-Lax.

Posted by: Beta Ray Bill at July 27, 2010 2:24 PM

*more spittle* I'm getting by. That Gah-Lak-Tus guy said he might have a *spit* job for me soon.

Not sure why he keeps calling me "Harold" though...*more excessive licking*

Posted by: Carnage at July 27, 2010 2:27 PM

Gah. Anything involving excessive licking can't be good. And I got yer Wonder Twins right here! Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Hold on, I'll go ask the crab. After he got that Disney movie he got all the best writers.

Posted by: Aqualad at July 27, 2010 2:34 PM

I think you meant you've GOT the crabs, Aquatwink.

Posted by: Lobo at July 27, 2010 2:37 PM

I love how idiots like Thor decide to throw out the fact that they have a movie.

Hey Thor, guess another comic book character that has a movie?

How about Howard the Duck.

Posted by: Parallax at July 27, 2010 2:39 PM

Look out, Parallax! It's a print of Whistler's Mother! You're powerless against it's incongruous, wicked conjunction of heady aestheticism and puritan severity!

Posted by: Thor at July 27, 2010 2:58 PM

Did you just use the same insult twice?

WOW.

Posted by: Parallax at July 27, 2010 3:07 PM

You don't know me, bitch. Better check yourself.

Posted by: Whistler's Mother at July 27, 2010 3:11 PM

If it ain't broke, don't fix it?

Posted by: Spider-Man at July 27, 2010 3:12 PM

If it ain't broke, don't fix it?

Strange question coming from Mr-Brand-New-Day.

Posted by: Sinestro at July 27, 2010 3:19 PM

Hey, I wasn't sayin'. I was just sayin'...

Posted by: Spider-Man at July 27, 2010 3:23 PM

I don't bother flexing the godly muscles on a twerp who loses to Guy Gardner.

Posted by: Thor at July 27, 2010 4:20 PM

You do realize that right now, someone is reading this thread and leaning forward in their office chair, rubbing their hands over their thighs and whispering, "Any minute now, every single character going to start kissing each other!"?

Posted by: Jim Doggie at July 27, 2010 4:52 PM

Parker, I hate to break it to you, the only reason you still exist is because there are no other New York Supers....if you can even be called a super, Batman's got better powers then you and he isn't even powered. He's a man with weaponry. So beat that Pansy Boy.

Not to mention, I'm an ancient being, so old that they don't have a term for it when I sleep with Good looking women, that's right, I don't see any good looking women around you, since what, Oh that's right, you lost Mary Jane to magic. How now kiddie? Still wanna fight with the big boys? Go back to being a nerd. no one likes you.

Posted by: Wolverine at July 27, 2010 5:21 PM

............

Posted by: Black Bolt at July 27, 2010 8:51 PM

Aquaman is a guest writer? Fuck me with the pointy end of a spear and then shove it up your watertight sphincter.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 27, 2010 9:26 PM

His Majesty, Black Bolt approves of this thread.

Posted by: Medusa at July 27, 2010 10:34 PM

this thread is monumental in its ridiculousness. long live pajiba

Posted by: VinKong at July 29, 2010 7:40 AM