What was I saying earlier? Oh yeah: Hollywood has moved from remaking anything they can find to remaking stuff that was either decent to begin with or cannot be improved. Case in point: 1984’s The Neverending Story, one of those weird and slightly dumb but ultimately amazingish flicks that’s rooted firmly in the hearts and minds of everybody who was a kid in the 1980s. Just a picture of Falcor the Luck Dragon, or that giant stone Oracle with wings and breasts and laser eyes, is enough to have you drowning in nostalgia like Atreyu’s horse in the Swamps of Sadness.
But oh, prepare to have that happy warm childhood memory crushed under the lazy heel of Warner Bros., which is prepping a remake of the film with Kennedy/Marshall and Leonardo DiCaprio’s company, Appian Way. Warners recently acquired rights to Michael Ende’s book, and they’re apparently intent on exploring some of the smaller plot nuances left out of the first film. (The movie actually only covers about half the novel, the rest of which was addressed in the deeply flawed The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter, which was so unwatchably bad it killed star Jonathan Brandis.) So yes, sure, there are things you can introduce in the new film that weren’t in the first. But why? The original movie is as great as it can be, meaning it’s cheesy and bizarre and so obviously shot in Germany and just way too trippy to be beat. Plus, come on, it’s a classic for a certain group of kids, a group that doesn’t want you screwing with something they used to love just to have a theatrical flop that barely makes back the investment on DVD. Just leave it alone, Warners.
And now, enjoy hearing this in your head the rest of the day:
WHY GOD WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND SACRED PLEASE HELP ME
I am sobbing but I don't know how to type it.
These people DONT underSTAND. This movie is one of the cornerstones of my already fragile childhood memories. We must have watched it at school 4 or 5 times a year. Or at least that's what it seems like. The point is you DON'T FUCK WITH IT. It's weird and perfect and preserved like Lenin's body in my 8-year old mind.
Oh now I am wailing and people are trying to comfort me but to NO AVAIL. Leave me alone and let me die.
Posted by: AM at February 26, 2009 11:22 AM
I can't see the clip, but now I'm stuck with the theme song.
Yes, but will Kajagoogoo be doing the sound track?
Posted by: PaddyDog at February 26, 2009 11:26 AM
I give in. A CGI Falcor will be the death of me. This on top of Total Recall...I should just stop watching films now.
Posted by: Puddy at February 26, 2009 11:26 AM
I'm actually not THAT mad. The original left out so much of the book (even within the context of it only being the first half) that I'm not even sure that a redo would be treading on its toes. The original was good semi-campy fun, but it just didn't own the material to the point that it can't be done again.
And really, if ever there were a story that could benefit from CGI this is probably it. There's just no way to build so many fantastic sets for just one movie.
Posted by: Eep at February 26, 2009 11:29 AM
Maybe now they'll fix the HUGE problem with the original.
104 minutes, my ASS. You call that Neverending? Come On!
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at February 26, 2009 11:33 AM
Finally! I am immune, as I have never seen the original!
Bwahahahahahaah!
Writhe in agony peasants.
Posted by: admin at February 26, 2009 11:33 AM
Sorry, it's a wrathy kind of day.
Posted by: admin at February 26, 2009 11:35 AM
YOU STUPID SONSABITCHES! GAWR! WHY?! Why would you remake it? Why remake anything? Holy fucking guacamole, aren't there young men and women graduating from fucking some film friggin' something or other school somewhere? Dependable young men and women who dream to make films?
Seriously - make a goddam movie that borrows heavily on the existing films - change the fucking names/races of the main character(s) - just quit remaking goddam films that were fine to begin with... JESUS! There are literally a million different stories, rich with fantasy and folklore... You're telling me you're too fucking lazy to borrow from that source? People get paid to come up with this? Remakes?
Posted by: SkiAAAAARRRRGGGHHH at February 26, 2009 11:35 AM
Actually, I think it'd be neat to have my children see a modern-day version of this childhood classic. Imagine the work that could be done with a CGI Falcor! They might need to tone down a little of the more emotional scenes though.
Posted by: Conrad (last name withheld) at February 26, 2009 11:38 AM
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.... deep breath ... Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
Ok, maybe it won't be so bad, like the remake of Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, I kind of like that remake and it didn't kill my childhood feelings for the original. But I'm ready to jump in the murder tank if this sucks or screws it up in the least bit. I still watch this movie about once a month and will not allow that to be tainted!
Posted by: Cherry Pie at February 26, 2009 11:41 AM
Did that creepy human hedgehog dude in the video just tell me to 'fly a fantasy'? My fantasy is not to ride a big flying white dog.
Your children don't even look like you. Oh, they're ugly... don't get me wrong, but they bear a striking resemblance to your mechanic, don't you think? The one that winks at Connie every time you get an oil-change? Yeah him. With the lazy-eye...
Posted by: Skitz at February 26, 2009 11:43 AM
My co-workers wonder why I have a glassy, defeated look in my eyes all the time. I've had to make my happy place a permanent residence because of things like this.
There was a third Neverending Story. And it starred Jack Black.
"To the winch, wench!"
Posted by: branded at February 26, 2009 11:44 AM
Back away from the Willow, fuckers.
Posted by: boo at February 26, 2009 11:58 AM
Seriously, Boo. If someone goes near my Madmartigan, I'm going to sick Llug on them.
"Wanna breed?"
Posted by: Julie at February 26, 2009 12:00 PM
This is one of those movies that I know I've seen, because I can remember one or two specific scenes, but I remember NOTHING about the movie overall. Like, people could quote it to me, using character names, and I'd be like "sorry, what now?"
So, rather than being upset that they're reworking "childhood memories" that I'm apparently missing, I'm more upset that no one can make a damn unique movie these days. I took a screen-writing class in college and even that convoluted script some kid came up with about the mutated "mall-people" who turn real people into mannequins that included a scene of a dude having sex with said mannequins would be better than this. Not a lot, but at least it's trying to be different and new.
Great. Just great. I suppose next on the list is a live-action movie based on "Danger Mouse" starring Will Ferrell as Danger Mouse and Adam Sandler as Penfold? Maybe with Eugene Levy as Colonel K? All attempting British accents? Because that's really the last element of my childhood that hasn't been raped or is scheduled to be raped.
We all know the Mr. Wizard movie starring Eddie Murphy is right around the corner...
Posted by: AnnArrogance at February 26, 2009 12:09 PM
WHAT THE FUCK is on that guys head? Looks like he killed a small creature and fashioned it into a mullet wig! It looks worse that the mullet wigs the douchetacular guys in high school would wear to basketball games with pieces of beer vomit stuck to them leftover from the last game.
Posted by: Quincy at February 26, 2009 12:12 PM
Have books just stopped being a source for Hollywood? I mean besides the beach reads and odd Oscar bait? Any one of us can name 5 books off the top of our heads that would make daring, great movies and even excellent franchises in some cases but Hollywood just does not touch them preferring instead to rape ideas from 20 years ago.
It's gotten so ridiculous I just try to ignore it, knowing that unless the remake is one of the very rare few that improves on the original I'm never going to see it anyway.
That said, "Clue" is being re-made. And that my friends deserves a MurderTank response.
Atreyu's horse dying was more traumatic for kid-me than Bambi's mom. I used to fast-forward through it (on my parents' BETA machine! Classic.)
Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at February 26, 2009 12:18 PM
This is as depressing as watching Artex die in the swamp.
Posted by: tt_marie at February 26, 2009 12:29 PM
First reaction: OH HELL NO.
Second reaction: actually... yes. Alright, the film is a childhood memory - but it was never a favourite since I loved the book so much and the film was, in my mind, NOTHING like the book. So I find it hopeful that it's apparently not so much a remake of the film as it is another adaptation of the book. Yes, like Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And I'd love to see the events of the book on the big screen - the ivory tower of the Childlike Empress, the enormous gras plains Atreyu is from, and most of all a Falcor that ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE A CHINESE DRAGON AND NOT LIKE SOME FREAKING FLYING DOG*. And I hope it actually continues after Bastian renames the Childlike Empress - it's mostly his story, after all, not (just) Atreyu's.
So I'm cautiously optimistic!
* I'm not bitter...
Posted by: Linda at February 26, 2009 12:35 PM
It's a man who sings this song?! That just blew my mind.
The next thing you know, they'll remake The Last Unicorn (and actually make it family-friendly) and then I'm going to have to go over there and CUT A BITCH!
@Sophia: have you heard The Birthday Massacre cover of this song? It's actually better than the original.
Posted by: Vi at February 26, 2009 12:40 PM
Here's why this is going to suck massive ass:
The Hollywood formula for success is 1) take a movie that was already made; 2) get between 1 and 5 Disney twits to star in it; and 3) have another Disney twit sing some songs for the soundtrack; 4) plaster the faces of said Disney twits all over everywhere until everyone wants to rip all the fucking posters to shreds; 5) don't worry too much about the actual movie, because surely the Disney star power will make up for any shortcomings.
This is going to be an insult to the original AND the book, I promise. There will be no edginess, nothing really scary, and the whole point will be for tweens to drool over whichever mini-Zac Efron they get to play Bastion (who will morph from the sweet, misunderstood, bookish kid into some brooding, posing loser).
Posted by: tt_marie at February 26, 2009 12:44 PM
my life is in ruisn
Posted by: Geroosterde Knoflook Aardappelen at February 26, 2009 12:47 PM
Jeez Conrad,
I KNOW you must be joking. Because no one can seriously say that they'd like their kid to see a new version, considering the old one is readily available on DVD. Also, if you really want the "emotional scenes" turned down, then you have lost your mind in your old age.
Posted by: Bah! at February 26, 2009 12:47 PM
...and the whole point will be for tweens to drool over whichever mini-Zac Efron they get to play Bastion..
TT you damn well know They'll cast the real deal here.
Also, that thing is really supposed to be a dragon? I always thought it was a giant albino daschund. What culture has a mythology that includes furry dragons?
Posted by: admin at February 26, 2009 12:55 PM
those fucking bastards.
Posted by: kungfookimmie at February 26, 2009 12:57 PM
Christ the carpenter, no. This is the first movie I remember seeing in theaters. My mom had to take me outside because I lost my shit when the horse died.
Posted by: Porkchop at February 26, 2009 1:00 PM
No. No no no no no no no no no.
Posted by: twig at February 26, 2009 1:05 PM
Let's see three remakes announced here today and not one has raped my childhood (since I was not a child when any of them originally were released). Yea me. Old Fuckers rule the day!
Posted by: ed newman at February 26, 2009 1:05 PM
That's right, filmed in Germany! I had completely lost the memory of when I visited the film studio in Munich and got to see the giant animatronic dog. I was too busy enjoying the novelty of legally getting drunk in bars at 16.
I had such a crush on Bastian and Atreyu. I don't really care what Hollywood does anymore though. I have hardened myself enough to have moved on.
Posted by: katy at February 26, 2009 1:18 PM
I hold everyone who buys a ticket to this thing responsible for the remake of Apocalypse Now, directed inevitably by Michael Bay
Posted by: George at February 26, 2009 1:23 PM
Although this is an unbelievably bad idea, I'm not as upset by it as I am Clue, because I will never see it because I can never watch the original again because I was so traumatized as a child by Artax dying in the swamp that I didn't watch it again until I was an adult, and then retraumatized myself, so no more.
Posted by: MG at February 26, 2009 1:25 PM
'AM' - i feel your pain. Is nothing sacred?
Posted by: Neena at February 26, 2009 1:26 PM
Boo, you realize you just put the idea in their heads, don't you? The minute you utter it, they greenlight it. All of us at Pajiba should know that by now.
I'm honestly...not that offended by this. It's a great movie, yeah, and an integral part of my childhood (the waterfalls -yeah, THAT- gave me nightmares for YEARS)but a story that good could benefit from some modern visuals. I'll hold my horror until I hear they've cast Zac Efron and the werewolf kid from Twilight in the lead roles...
Shit. Now that's totally gonna happen. I should follow my own advice!
Posted by: figgy at February 26, 2009 1:30 PM
I clicked on the video and thought I got the porcupine link from The Pajiba Love section.
Seriously, it seems the only real Neverending Story is the Neverending Stupidity of the creatively bankrupt stu-douche-ios who feel the need to remake everything. Presumably because they think the people who saw the originals are dead, alzheimers ridden, or so desperate to relive their childhoods that they would actually want to see this felderkarb.
I am relieved to be immune to this one though. Didn't see the original. Although I hear it's still playing somewhere, being Neverending and all.
Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 1:37 PM
Or perhaps it should just be called "The Neverending Assault On Our Childhood"
Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 2:09 PM
Odnon - I love it.
To reiterate my tirade from the S. Darko post...
Here's a thought:
How about these fuckers STOP remaking movies that have already been made? Huh? How about somebody have some semblance of an original thought? Wacky concept, right? Yeah, that's just crazy talk. Because that would require actual talent, and some hard work to boot! And who has time for that shit!? There's a RECESSION going on, so apparently we're just concerned about making a buck!!! Fuck art!
Now. Where the FUCK is the Murder Tank???!!!!
Posted by: tt_marie at February 26, 2009 2:20 PM
This blows but I'm more put out over Total Recall, which has a more significant spot in my tiny-Amanda memories.
Posted by: Amanda H. at February 26, 2009 2:38 PM
tt_marie
I totally agree. And now I have to go into the bathroom and grieve again for poor Artex.
That scene has scarred me more than anything I have ever seen on film before or after it.
p.s. Poor Jonathan Brandis. May he RIP
Posted by: wanda at February 26, 2009 2:46 PM
eh...I'm with the people who read the book and think this may not be all that terrible. The original movie holds a special place in my heart, but the book was way better (and the second half was way way better than the second movie). Granted, I can't imagine they'll do it justice, but if they did then this movie could be an actually awesome film.
Posted by: s. pisaster at February 26, 2009 2:48 PM
I cannot wait until they remake The Princess Bride and you guys go fucknuts permanently. That's really what keeps me reading this site.
Posted by: TWoP Fan at February 26, 2009 2:51 PM
Holy shit, TWoP Fan. Don't even suggest it. *whispers* --> "The walls have ears!"
Posted by: tt_marie at February 26, 2009 3:10 PM
Thanks tt_marie. I'll go see if there's anything at the Rent-A-Murdertank and be there in half an hour.
Posted by: Odnon at February 26, 2009 3:11 PM
This is just too fucking much. I know all the dialogues of that stupid movie that I love so fucking much. Damn Hollywood.
Posted by: Gaby at February 26, 2009 3:30 PM
Somebody needs to remake "Legend." Not good movie, but at least memorably odd and settling. Bring back Tom Cruise and Tim Curry, and Ridley Scott to direct, but give Katie Holmes the Mia Sara role. Done and done.
"We are ALL animals, my dear."
Posted by: stryker1121 at February 26, 2009 3:32 PM
Dammit I meant 'unsettling."
Posted by: stryker1121 at February 26, 2009 3:33 PM
I remember thinking I was real smart when the kid said he read Treasure Island instead of comic books, because I'd just finished Treasure Island and I was too poor to buy comics.
Ten years later, I started regularly reading comics. Immaturation is awesome.
Posted by: Lucas at February 26, 2009 4:01 PM
As long as I won't be forced to watch it on repeat because I got stuck watching my younger cousins when they visit, I'm fine with this. God I hated that fucking movie. And my fucking cousins for making me watch it OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND I DON'T THINK THE TITLE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN THAT LITERALLY, GUYS.
Posted by: Sabrina at February 26, 2009 6:18 PM
Damn, hair was horrible back then. That poor guy's got an aloe growing out of his head.
Posted by: Julian at February 26, 2009 6:19 PM
I have tears in my eyes. TEARS!! of laughter. I had no idea that a "music video" of TNS existed. To think I've lived my whole life, never picturing that skunk-tasticly coiffed man when I think of that song.
When I was a kid, think 4 years old, my family used to leave me home alone with only that movie playing. I never even noticed they were gone, I loved that movie so freaking much. I contribute my apathy for all things cute to having to watch Artex die in the swamp continuously on a loop, and to this day I have a crazy fear of turtles sneezing on me.
Posted by: Smiley at February 26, 2009 6:22 PM
Ahhhh shite! You know what this means right? Those bastards are going to remake Labyrinth and The Princess Bride next. It's only a friggin' matter of time! Fantasy became cool again and those wretches are going to suck it dry like a soucouyant.
They already shit up Streetfighter! Ah hell! I need Phish Food now.
Posted by: Four Eyes at February 26, 2009 6:37 PM
Yeah, so. I've been assuming that everyone has just been using hyperbole and taking cheap shots when they comment on these remake threads - what with the rampant use of ALL CAPS and claims that money-grubbing hacks are raping our childhoods and crushing our souls. I mean, Murdertank, really? It's cute, but no one's identity is that wrapped up in a movie or an actor's legacy...
But now, if there is even a HINT that Falkor the luckdragon will be made of anything other than arcane puppetry, I want the Murdertank. DiCaprio is mine.
Posted by: LB at February 26, 2009 6:53 PM
That was some of the most lip-synching I've seen this side of a drag competition! Wow.
This is a remake that's not going to offend me, similar to the whole Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That being said, I don't have high hopes that Hollywood will manage to do something BETTER then the original, but if they go into it with seeing what they can do with the original source material (rather then just remaking the first movie), then I'm intrigued.
There was a third movie, and it starred Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and the girl who'd grow up to play Princess Irulan in the Sci Fi Dune miniseries. It was REALLY shitty.
I've wanted to watch the Canadian miniseries, but can't find it/don't want to pay for it.
Posted by: Rowen at February 26, 2009 8:58 PM
Only one thing can make this better.
MMOOOOOOOOOONNNCCCHHHHIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!
Posted by: Dingles at February 26, 2009 8:58 PM
I love the original, but I don't care that it's being remade. I just won't watch the new one. No biggie.
Posted by: ben (thpbt) at February 26, 2009 9:14 PM
Noooooooo! I know a ton of people already said it but wtf hollywood! I need sone Xanax NOW! Wait, no, deep breaths. Maybe, like cherry pie said, it'll be like willy wonka, which didn't suck and didn't ruin it. I loved the book even more than the movie, but Artex dying always got to me. Damn you, Leo Di Crapio, go back to making documentary shit about global warming!! Also, step away from Willow, you fuckers. Aand from Princess Bride.
Shitballs
Posted by: Xoch at February 27, 2009 3:17 AM
I'm pretty sure that in the 80's they just gave acid away for free...
Never eeeeeeeeending stooooooryy.....fuck that is gona be in my head al the live long day....
Posted by: whatwouldjebusdo? at February 27, 2009 5:37 AM
I'm feeling awfully stabby after reading this news. This movie holds such a special place for me....from the moment I knew what sex was, I wanted to do it with Atreyu.
Posted by: feramones at February 27, 2009 11:53 AM
I loved this movie! I kinda wanna get really, really high and watch this with pink floyd playing. It'd be The Dark Side of the Neverending Story. I bet it'd work and be aweeesome to watch.
Posted by: marcusarilius007 at February 27, 2009 5:25 PM
Stop lamenting about your childhood crushed. Simply don't watch these crappy remakes. That's what i do to preserve that sweet nostalgia. I stopped the rage about the rape of classics, because, hey, they can't take those away from us. Yeah, a Kurosawa classic remake is pretty outrageous, but i decide before hand simply to not care and watch the original again instead.
Posted by: Arthur Dent at February 28, 2009 5:23 PM
Why does everyone always bitch about these remakes? The chief complaint being how it's "raping your childhood". What? okay, yeah there's remaking it, and yes it'll be different. But the movie you love and cherish will still be there, intact for you to enjoy whenever you're little heart desires. This remake has no effect on that what so ever. Get over it.
Posted by: Billy at March 5, 2009 4:05 PM
What the fuck!!! A remake of this movie!!! Im 14 years old (in 2009)and I really like the real version of this movie (the one from 1984). No matter what they say, this movie ROCKS! No need to make a remake! It will just scrap up the first version!!!
Posted by: Frank at March 16, 2009 4:07 PM
A few points: Canada already did a remake of the movie called Tales From The Neverending Story. It's ok; I own it on DVD, but pales in comparison to the original. I liked part two, but will admit it too sucked compared to the original. And the theme song was done by the former lead singer of Kajagoogoo, Limahl, not the group. They had fired him and tried to sound more mature by changing their name to Kaja, and subsequently didn't ever have another hit and faded into obscurity. And feramones, I'm straight, but I wanted to do Atreyu back then too! (Still find that kid HOT!)
Holy Shit, Dan...did you just make a pseudo-joke about Jonathan Bradis' suicide?
Eek...
...I think I might love you.