My Bloody Valentine 3-D Movie Poster

A Pajiba Ode to Jensen Ackles and a Pick-Axe in the Junk

Movie Poster Watch / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 23, 2008 | Comments (34)

You know what’s awesome about 3-D movies? The endless possibilities with 3-D movie posters. Like this one, for My Bloody Valentine in 3-D, a remake of a movie no one cared about the first time. No really: It only made $5 million at the box-office (and though the band, My Bloody Valentine, is infinitely better than the original movie was, it didn’t fare so well in album sales, either). Anyway, what I’m getting at is this:

WHY IS THAT PICK-AXE AIMED AT THAT DUDE’S PANT’S SAUSAGE?

I mean, really: Is the 3-D action of a bad horror-remake so intense that it’s akin to having a pick-axe swung into your funny spot? Get real. Maybe, maybe, it’s tantamount to having your cock and balls tortured by one of those ball-point pens with the fuzzy, feather erasers, but a pick-axe? No way. But that’s what the poster demonstrates.

Also, note: Some fella named Jenson Ackles is in My Bloody Valentine 3-D. You know who that is? No. Of course not. It’s because he’s an even bigger nobody than Jared Padalecki. In the nobody face-off, which took place in Nobodysville (right outside of the recently burned to the ground, Utica, NY), in the United States of Nobody, Padalecki won by a hair. But guess who watched? Nobody. That’s who. Because nobody cares. Jenson Ackles? Who’s that guy? Oh, he’s the guy in My Bloody Valentine 3-D. Wait. Who is in My Bloody Valentine 3-D? Fuck, I’ve already forgotten. That’s how forgettable that guy is. Also, he’s a nobody.

I wonder if he gets a pick-axe in his Juju bean?

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Comments

AUUUUGHHHHHH!

Posted by: Stacey at October 23, 2008 11:04 AM

He may get a pick-axe to the Juju bean but it will not matter. Jenson Ackles' junk is made of titanium.

Posted by: Admin11 at October 23, 2008 11:06 AM

See now, you need to pack up your stuff, grab Mrs. Pajiba and Junior and enter a witness protection program. I attended (it's a long story) an event that Ackles was at earlier this year and you have NO IDEA how rabid his fans are. And I warn you, they are mostly hefty women willing to die for their hero.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 23, 2008 11:12 AM

Mmm, that's a lovely header image of Jensen. As if he's staring intensely at you and only you, undressing you piece by piece with his smouldering gaze, with all the promise of doing naughty, nasty things to you in the back of the Impaler...

*droools*

Oh wait, what, did someone say something? Eh, mustn't have been important.

*continues drooling*

Posted by: Boom Kitty at October 23, 2008 11:12 AM

I'm not entirely convinced that's a "dude" in the poster. Put a neck-chain on his glasses and he's Harvey Fierstein's MeMaw.

Posted by: firedmyass at October 23, 2008 11:15 AM

Hot Damn Jensen Ackles is hot. I feel that Stacey would back me up on this. She watches Supernatural, yes?

That was entirely beside the point, wasn't it?

Posted by: sarah at October 23, 2008 11:23 AM

you have NO IDEA how rabid his fans are. And I warn you, they are mostly hefty women willing to die for their hero.
-------------------------------------------
Posted by: PaddyDog at October 23, 2008 11:12 AM

So....he and Clay Akin have the same fan base. Nice. I look forward to the announcement is about four years.

Posted by: Admin11 at October 23, 2008 11:26 AM

Naked 3-D Jensen Ackles? YES!

Posted by: Sabrina at October 23, 2008 11:28 AM

Haha, keen insight, firedmyass. Stick around and we can hew your rough wit into an Eloquent-worthy amethyst.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 23, 2008 11:32 AM

Before I even read this thing, I'd like to say that Jensen Ackles is yummy. I'd like to pet him, mostly the abs. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Slash at October 23, 2008 11:46 AM

Actually, I fear Dustin's antagonism will backfire and simply stir up the resident hormones and we'll hear much more talk of what the Uruk-Hai call "manflesh" before this is over.

But did these two stories actually land together or did you hunt for them?

Posted by: Jay at October 23, 2008 11:48 AM

I don't watch his show and I'm not hefty. Just pointing out that some of us with ovaries are aware of his existence.

Posted by: Slash at October 23, 2008 11:50 AM

Oddly enough, Jay, I didn't even realize Ackles was in this movie until I'd written half the post. And the coincidence was too good to pass up. -- DR

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at October 23, 2008 11:52 AM

Sabrina, I adore you.

Posted by: Boom Kitty at October 23, 2008 11:53 AM

Has there ever been a 3-D porn movie?
I mean, I've seen a Kama Sutra pop-up book, but never 3-D porn. I could go for that. Especially if it includes The Ackles.

Wait, this isn't that kind of movie? Oh well, never mind. Moving along....

Posted by: Tarn at October 23, 2008 12:03 PM

Sabrina there you go again with those nekkid Winchester pictures. you're going to get me fired. my hands belong on the keyboard, not under my desk. even though i actually prefer the tall one, the bow-legged one will do in a pinch.

Slash, i would like to lick him. like a lollipop should be licked.

Posted by: pq at October 23, 2008 12:06 PM

Oh FUCK ME, pq. "Came to my senses and I chill for a bit! Don't know how you do the voodoo that you do, so well this is hell, hell makes me wanna shoop, shoop, SHOOP!"

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Posted by: Julie at October 23, 2008 12:16 PM

sorry Julie. the bow-legged thing did it for me. just wanted to share the wealth. i'm generous like that!

Posted by: pq at October 23, 2008 12:21 PM

Tarn:
There IS a 3-D Porn movie! I saw...some of it...they screened it here in Chicago as a midnight movie at one of the art-houses.
It stars Ron Jeremy and some really hairy chick.

I got so f'ed up before hand that I totally passed out in the theater and only vaguely remember moments of giant, 3-D cock headed towards my face.
I'd look up the title but I'm at work and, as much as I hate my job, would hate to get fired for Googling 3-D Porn here.

Posted by: Jen Vegas at October 23, 2008 12:27 PM

I got so f'ed up before hand that I totally passed out in the theater and only vaguely remember moments of giant, 3-D cock headed towards my face.

How can you be sure that it was 3-D movie cock and not 3-D real-life cock?

Posted by: branded at October 23, 2008 12:44 PM

I love Jensen. I love Supernatural.
I love Pajiba... and even though all three only go together with a certain
amount of sarcasm... I love that when I opened the site for my morning dose of Pajiba, all three were together on a Thursday.

/Yes, I think you should watch the show tonight.

/Also, I think you should watch
this -->http://www.tvguide.com/News/Supernatural-Video-Jensen-27544.aspx

Posted by: jadeblue at October 23, 2008 12:52 PM

Jen Vegas, it was called Mud Madness.

Posted by: Sabrina at October 23, 2008 1:04 PM

Will I be hung for confessing that I think both Paladecki and this other guy are incredibly bland?

I don't like the pretty boys. I just don't. Post about some REAL men, please!

Posted by: figgy at October 23, 2008 3:01 PM

Jen Vegas,
Thanks!
Ugh, Ron Jeremy. My interest in 3D cock has just drooped. Ron Jeremy is one of the myriad reasons why straight porn is not my thing. Gay porn = much more aesthetically pleasing!

Jadeblue
I've seen some of that clip on Youtube (the CW site won't let non-murricans watch). Funny!

Posted by: Tarn at October 23, 2008 3:40 PM

branded:
Yeaaaaaaaah I don't care how wasted I am...I can tell the difference yo.

Also, it's physically impossible to mistake ron jeremy's schlong for anything, or anyone, else...shudder.

Posted by: Jen Vegas at October 23, 2008 3:45 PM

Dustin, now you're just being mean. Don't let him get to you, Stacey.
Oh, Jenson, how I loved you when you were Eric on Days of Our Lives. Broke my heart the day you left, and I haven't watched DoOL since. Hrm, not that I ever...GOAT!

Posted by: jamiepants at October 23, 2008 4:01 PM

why do they wanna hurt Pat?

Posted by: replica at October 23, 2008 4:23 PM

Naked Jensen, clothed Jensen-I'll take him either way...In ALL ways possible....my husband understands
that should Jensen ever cross my path, I'm out.

Posted by: Shazza at October 23, 2008 5:41 PM

What disgusts me about this movie is not that it looks like complete mega-shit, but that when I heard the title, I thought it was going to be the BAND My Bloody Valentine...in 3-D...okay, so I have weird hopes and dreams. I'm still pulling for a Pavement roller coaster that plays "Slanted and Enchanted" as you fly lazily through cheaply made twists and corkscrews produced by somebody from the streets! STEPHEN MALKMUS COASTER WOO!!!

Posted by: AudioSuede at October 23, 2008 6:11 PM

I fear I may have missed something -Holy crap Jamie Foxx is the black friend in The Truth About Cats and Dogs!!!- any way, I fear I may have missed something with this hatred of the Winchester boys.

But that isn't why I'm commenting.

There are two reasons;

One is to say 'mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Jensen' and drool for a while, while I imagine doing terrible things with Jensen in the back seat of the Metallicar while some GOOD rock music plays.
The second is to say I am TOTALLY distracted by the monumental cleavage action of the girl in the poster, I mean she's literally smack in the middle of the image and It's just...its BOOBS

I cant believe her dates eyes are ACTUALLY on the screen when she's a deep breath away from NippleSpills in ASTONISHING 3D!!!

For her to distract me from mmmmmmmmmmmmm Jensen basically translates to spectacularly distracting.

Posted by: Nadine at October 23, 2008 7:29 PM

Hey! Janson Ookles is my dad!

Posted by: Lucas at October 23, 2008 7:58 PM

Yeah, I think that no matter how disturbingly awful this movie may be, following Jensen Ackles rendition of Eye of the Tiger at the end of Supernatural last night, I'm going to see this, just on the off chance he lip syncs some other fantasticly cheesy 80's song at the end of the movie. Xanadu perhaps?

Posted by: MrCreosote at October 24, 2008 8:43 AM

pq and Julie, he's packed and he's stacked, 'specially in the back. Brother wanna thank his mother for a butt like that!

Anyways, Jensen? Mmmmmmmmmm. Might I add: MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm. I sometimes molest myself while watching Supernatural. Which might not sound that bad, but you have to realize that people are getting incinerated and disemboweled left and right while my hand is down my pants. Teehee.

Posted by: monkey_b at October 24, 2008 7:23 PM

Jensen is so bland he makes wallpaper look good, thanks for this article.

Posted by: Hermantor at October 26, 2008 8:59 AM

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