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October 23, 2008 | Comments ()


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A Pajiba Ode to Jensen Ackles and a Pick-Axe in the Junk

Movie Poster Watch / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 23, 2008 | Comments ()


You know what’s awesome about 3-D movies? The endless possibilities with 3-D movie posters. Like this one, for My Bloody Valentine in 3-D, a remake of a movie no one cared about the first time. No really: It only made $5 million at the box-office (and though the band, My Bloody Valentine, is infinitely better than the original movie was, it didn’t fare so well in album sales, either). Anyway, what I’m getting at is this:

WHY IS THAT PICK-AXE AIMED AT THAT DUDE’S PANT’S SAUSAGE?

I mean, really: Is the 3-D action of a bad horror-remake so intense that it’s akin to having a pick-axe swung into your funny spot? Get real. Maybe, maybe, it’s tantamount to having your cock and balls tortured by one of those ball-point pens with the fuzzy, feather erasers, but a pick-axe? No way. But that’s what the poster demonstrates.

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Also, note: Some fella named Jenson Ackles is in My Bloody Valentine 3-D. You know who that is? No. Of course not. It’s because he’s an even bigger nobody than Jared Padalecki. In the nobody face-off, which took place in Nobodysville (right outside of the recently burned to the ground, Utica, NY), in the United States of Nobody, Padalecki won by a hair. But guess who watched? Nobody. That’s who. Because nobody cares. Jenson Ackles? Who’s that guy? Oh, he’s the guy in My Bloody Valentine 3-D. Wait. Who is in My Bloody Valentine 3-D? Fuck, I’ve already forgotten. That’s how forgettable that guy is. Also, he’s a nobody.

I wonder if he gets a pick-axe in his Juju bean?



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