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Moby Dick the Movie | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Moby Dick Gets the 300 Treatment

From Hell’s Heart I Stab at Thee / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 23, 2008 | Comments (52)

I had a pretty cool 11th grade English teacher, despite the fact that she threw me out of her journalism class for writing an essay on the glory of the F word (does no one have a sense of humor anymore?). Anyway, whenever she’d assign a novel that would inevitably generate controversy (it was the Bible belt), she always offered students and their parents an alternate book. And that alternate book was always Moby Dick. Think there’s a gay subtext in the 208-page A Separate Peace? No problem! You think that the 112-page Of Mice and Men is too violent? No worries. Oh, and fuck you. Here, read this 720-page monstrosity!

Funny, no one ever took her up on the offer.

Anyway, Hollywood is taking another crack at Moby Dick, and this time, they’re going to take a non-traditional approach. In other words, they’re going to use the title and the whale, and leave the rest to high-schoolers with narrow-minded parents. And if there was ever a book that needed to be “updated” (read: bastardized) by the studios, it’s Moby Dick.

The good news is that Timur Bekmambetov will be directing (known to most as the director of Wanted, but more fondly by some as the director of the Night Watch series). He will apparently be taking a “graphic novel” approach to the material, and turning Captain Ahab into a hero, or “charismatic leader” (Zoinks!. In fact, it looks more like a 300 / Jaws, hybrid, where the focus will be on Moby Dick’s destruction of ships up and until he takes on Ahab’s whaling ship, Pequod. They’re calling it an action-adventure revenge tale.

I probably shouldn’t be admitting as much, but I don’t mind a Hollywood version of Moby Dick, particularly one directed by Timur Bekmambetov. Unfortunately, the bad news is in the choice of scriptwriters, Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, most famous for writing the script for the middling Mac Guy comedy, Accepted, which is kind of like hiring Rob Schneider to play the lead in a JFK biography. In other words, it’s a terrible fucking idea.


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Comments

Opening lines:

"It's Ishmael, bitch."

Posted by: Sofía at September 23, 2008 4:05 PM


"...like a 300 / Jaws, hybrid, where the focus will be on Moby Dick's destruction of ships up and until he takes on Ahab's..."


Sound like this time, it's personal...

"Dick"

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2008 4:05 PM

I smell epic win.

Posted by: Shaun at September 23, 2008 4:08 PM

Oh man, I thought this was going to be a documentary following a bald musician's quest to have his schwing schwong pierced and painted gold.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2008 4:09 PM

*cue some ominous music Phil*

*Get me a long panning shot*

One sea mammal, who won't be contained...

*quick shots* *explosion* *whale shoots twin Berettas in super slo-mo jumps in Lamborghini*

...they killed his family...drove him to the edge of extinction...

*shaky cam* *awkward angle "Bay Style" shot of maneuvering black helicopters*

Now he'll SHOW THEM!

*EXPLOSION*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Mo'...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2008 4:13 PM

Hollywood is taking another crack at Moby Dick, and this time, they're going to take a non-traditional approach.

My head is aching already.

Posted by: Jerce at September 23, 2008 4:14 PM

This.... is... DIIIIICK!

If they actually do make it like Scooby Doo, I would watch it. Pip is sooo Scrappy Doo.

Posted by: Sabrina at September 23, 2008 4:14 PM

*Manages Herculean Task With Naught But A Bead of Sweat on His Brow*
*Gives a Solemn Nod*

Posted by: Phil at September 23, 2008 4:15 PM

Never mind, I want Slim's version.

Posted by: Sabrina at September 23, 2008 4:16 PM

Awww man, I was hoping you had some Resident Evil news or something. A special-effects-laden Moby Dick is not what I wanted.

Posted by: Snath at September 23, 2008 4:21 PM

Posted by: Phil at September 23, 2008 4:15 PM


Nicely done, take five.

That goes for everybody.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2008 4:21 PM

Whoa... Phil the Sound Guy just totally manifested himself, complete with a bead of sweat and everything. Am I high? I don't remember partaking of any illicit substances today. Did I smoke myself so retarded that I forgot it happened?

Posted by: Sarina at September 23, 2008 4:21 PM

This Graphic Novel mania has GOT to stop. It's a cheap marketing ploy trying to cash in on rabid fanboys' instantaneous erections for anything that's even connected to a 'graphic novel'. They're just comic books with more blood and bigger boobs. Let's get the fuck over it already.

My boyfriend pointed out to me last night that there's a movie coming out about Elliott Ness. And instead of marketing as, you know, a REAL STORY that was ALREADY made into a movie, they're making a huge fucking deal out of it being 'based on the graphic novel'. Jeebus wept.

Damn you, Frank Miller.

Posted by: figgy at September 23, 2008 4:27 PM

Actually....I really liked Moby Dick. The idea of Ahab as charismatic leader instead of batshit crazy obsessive who dooms his whole crew makes me want to harpoon somebody. And from what I remember it always was an action-adventure revenge tale. I mean, the desire for revenge above all else and the devastating effects of such are kinda the whole point.

Posted by: s. pisaster at September 23, 2008 4:27 PM

Sarina, Fans of Phil will find it's not his first appearance... Barbado has been working him pretty hard.
But in all honesty, it's about time that whale gets what's coming to him. I assume Ahab will jump through the air to pierce the beast with a harpoon.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 23, 2008 4:29 PM

Of course the the inevitable porn version will be titled:

"Moby's Dick"

BOWChikaWaWAA

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2008 4:30 PM

Oh man, I thought this was going to be a documentary following a bald musician's quest to have his schwing schwong pierced and painted gold.

Oh, godtopus, Julie. Thank you for making my day a little bit more surreal. I LOVE YOU. Though that is a fucked-up mental image.

Posted by: figgy at September 23, 2008 4:31 PM

I know he's been mentioned before, Optimus. I was referring to whoever donned the Phil head suit for a minute up there.

Posted by: Sarina at September 23, 2008 4:38 PM

Hee, Figgy, the mental image is more fucked up if you sing "Bodyrock" while picturing said penis.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2008 4:44 PM

The idea of Ahab as charismatic leader instead of batshit crazy obsessive who dooms his whole crew makes me want to harpoon somebody.

Ever been to Mystic Seaport? No? That is a nasty nasty way to die. I like it.

Never read Moby Dick but it makes a nice bookend along with Anna Karenina, which I've started 3 times.

Posted by: Amanda47 at September 23, 2008 4:59 PM

But will the new movie have a musical number called "Rock me Sexy Ahab?"

"Rock me Sexy Dick" was a little too easy.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 23, 2008 5:03 PM

First indicator that the first thing to leave at the door is your brain before watching this:

Portraying Ahab as a hero.

Anyone who has the slightest acquaintance w/this behemoth should know that Ahab is not being glorified; he's fucking insane, one-track-minded, and is leading himself and his crew to certain doom because of his vengeance toward nature's megafauna.

He's everything that is wrong w/1800s Western society.

But at least it's "gonna kick major ass!!", right?

Posted by: Recondite at September 23, 2008 5:31 PM

I completely tortured myself with reading Moby Dick before I had the literary chops to take it on, but now I'm sort of glad I at least can say that yes, I've read it. However, I have no great place for it in my heart, so this news is pretty much meh.

Thanks for the Resident Evil 4 picture, though. I forgot how badass Leon was, and in the Ahab context, I was amused.

Posted by: kalexal at September 23, 2008 5:38 PM

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2008 4:13 PM
-----------------------------------------------

And the Award for Awesomest Acheivement in Awesomeness goes to....

BSlim.

Best Sound in a Fake Motion Picture: Phil.

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 23, 2008 5:42 PM

Call me Leonidas.

Posted by: Lucas at September 23, 2008 6:21 PM

kalexal you absolutely must visit www.sideshowcollectibles.com - they have the most adorable Leon figure there, available in both RE4 gear and in RCPD uniform. Why just the other day at my Bridge Circle, I said to Edith, I said "Oh, how I wish I could sell my seed to afford one of those delightful figurines!". We all tittered, and then made out under the hot Georgia sun...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 23, 2008 6:25 PM

I see neither the words "Gregory Peck" nor "Ricardo Montalban" anywhere here.

In the maritime parlance, I ain't biting!

Posted by: Jay at September 23, 2008 6:28 PM

It ain't gonna work - if only because anyone old enough to have slogged through that book is going to scream "Kha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-n-n-n!" at the top of their lungs at the end of that line...

Posted by: funtime42 at September 23, 2008 6:28 PM

I had to read this stupid book and it's the only one I've ever felt wasn't worth the slog. There is a chapter in the middle of the book that does nothing but describe in detail biological facts about whales. I wonder if they'll continue the 300 tradition of homosexual over/under tones. I'd say Moby Dick is ripe for it.

Posted by: LB at September 23, 2008 6:29 PM

Mind you, a "Dicky Moe" remake, I'd be up for that.

Posted by: Jay at September 23, 2008 6:32 PM

*Accepts Award with a curt nod. Opens his mouth as if to speak but thinks better of it.*

Posted by: Phil at September 23, 2008 6:34 PM

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 23, 2008 5:42 PM

----------------------------------------

*applause*

*cough* *cough* Thank you, hehehe THANK YOU...SETTLE DOWN!... ah I am so honored to receive this recognition by my peers, of course I'd like to thank Jesus, Bono and the Dalia Lama, also, I would like congratulate myself.
For I have always known how AWESOME..I am.

THANK YOU...FREE TIBET!!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 23, 2008 6:37 PM

Free Tibet? I'll take it!
Ball's in your court, China!

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 23, 2008 6:56 PM

Great! Old Man and the Beach. Let's fast-track this one.

As usual, Arrested Development was ahead of the curve.

Posted by: Oh Henry at September 23, 2008 6:56 PM

Julie ....

OK now I might hate you a little. How you play with my emotions! I can't take this!

*goes look at photos of ponies and rainbows*

Posted by: figgy at September 23, 2008 7:18 PM

Really? No one's said it yet?

Well hell, if you guys are gonna leave the door open, I'm fucking well gonna walk through it.
....

...

..

Moby Dick... In My Pants!

Posted by: TK at September 23, 2008 7:34 PM

I completely tortured myself with reading Moby Dick before I had the literary chops to take it on, but now I'm sort of glad I at least can say that yes, I've read it.

That totally sounds like me in third grade trying to get through The Hobbit.

Moby Dick... In My Pants!

Well played, good sir.

Posted by: Jaci at September 23, 2008 7:58 PM

Oh, btw, Kudos on using the Resident Evil 4 still and the keywords Graphic Novel to attract all the fanboys/girls (gotta give the nerd equal opportunity treatment).

Posted by: Jaci at September 23, 2008 8:00 PM

Look how many of us have actually read the book. We're a literate bunch, we are. I liked it a whole lot better than I thought I would, having been told all my life what a slog it was. It's pretty funny in parts, and I'm actually a nerd for stuff like "biological facts about whales." I'm that guy in the museum who reads every card.

Now "Omoo," I don't know shit.

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 23, 2008 8:05 PM

I won't touch Moby Dick with a 100 ft pole. I will however touch one of Melville's shorter works. He's actually quite a satirical writer and fairly humorous. A movie about Moby Dick sounds pretty cool though, despite the gay subtext in page 69!

Posted by: ph at September 23, 2008 8:41 PM

yeah forgive me for going against the current, but I think there should be more hybridization in movies. Perhaps Moby Dick can leave the curse of the undead on some of those whose ships he's demolished. Perhaps in his wake he will leave zombie pirates. Maybe Queequeg can enlist the powers of ninja mermaids to combat these new foes. And the creepy prophet, Fedallah?, should certainly be some sort of robot wizard.

Posted by: Jackseppelin at September 23, 2008 9:21 PM

Moby Dick? - Awesome drum solo bro.

Posted by: Will at September 23, 2008 9:40 PM

Timur means "iron" in Turkish. I wish my name meant iron. My name doesn't mean shit.

Posted by: Jigsy Q. at September 23, 2008 10:07 PM

But, Jigsy ...why would you want your name to mean shit?

Posted by: figgy at September 24, 2008 2:25 AM

...but Moby Dick destroys the Pequod. And Ahab. And Ahab being the hero misses Melville's entire point of the book.

Posted by: mark at September 24, 2008 9:19 AM

I wonder if they'll continue the 300 tradition of homosexual over/under tones.

Now that's a movie I'll watch!

Posted by: Anna "Knife Pile" von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2008 9:35 AM

I've hated everything I've ever read by Herman Melville. No one has ever given me a legit reason why he's in "the canon". On the plus side, it did create a sweet made for TV movie starring Patrick Stewart with guest cameo of Gregory Peck.

Posted by: kelsy at September 24, 2008 9:39 AM

Oh silly figurines...yep, definitely don't have any of those lying around...except for maybe an Oscar Wilde one...but that doesn't count, right Skittimus? Right?! Jeez, I'm a dork.

Enjoy your mint juleps on the veranda, deah.

Posted by: kalexal at September 24, 2008 11:06 AM

Yeah, very clever use of the Resident Evil 4 still. That's still one of my favorite gaming experiences ever.

As for this new and hip adaptation of Moby Dick, why is that I'm reminded of the following?


Man: How many of you kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real-life problems, like the ones you face every day?

Kids: [clamoring] Oh, yeah! I would! Great idea! Yeah, that's it!

Man: And who would like to see them do just the opposite -- getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?

Kids: [clamoring] Me! Yeah! Oh, cool! Yeah, that's what I want!

Man: So, you want a realistic, down-to-earth show... that's completely off-the-wall and swarming with magic robots?

Kids: [all agreeing, quieter this time] That's right. Oh yeah, good.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 24, 2008 2:32 PM

Look how many of us have actually read the book. We're a literate bunch, we are. I liked it a whole lot better than I thought I would, having been told all my life what a slog it was. It's pretty funny in parts, and I'm actually a nerd for stuff like "biological facts about whales." I'm that guy in the museum who reads every card.

Now "Omoo," I don't know shit.

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 23, 2008 8:05 PM

bucdaddy, you backwoods crank, I think I lurve you. It's the rare person who a) sees the humor in Melville's writing and b) actually appreciates it. Moby Dick is one of my all-time faves, and I'm glad as hell I waited until I was 35 to read it instead of having it foisted onto me in high school or the like. Melville would totally rock Pajiba.

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 24, 2008 10:01 PM

Subtitle: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

{ subtitle devoured by whale }

Posted by: FTW! at September 27, 2008 3:15 PM

Subtitle: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

{ subtitle devoured by whale }

Posted by: FTW! at September 27, 2008 3:17 PM





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