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Miley Cyrus The Last Song | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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You Will Respect Miley Cyrus as an Actress. Damnit.

And Put Away Your Dirty Thoughts / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | March 31, 2009 | Comments (41)

On April 10th, not only will Dragonball: Evolution be arriving in theaters, but so will Miley Cyrus’ next movie, titled appropriately enough: Hannah Montana: The Movie. Hmph. Good Friday, my ass. If Jesus had decided to come back on Good Friday 2009, he’d see a multiplex marquee and scurry back into his hole, welcoming six more weeks of hell. In fact, I think we’re going to call in the Department of Homeland Security and ask them to shut down the site for the weekend. It’s the least they can do for us.

Anyway, thankfully, after Hannah Montana the movie is released, we apparently never have to see another Hannah Montana movie again. Our little pop-twit is growing up before our very eyes! In fact, she’s decided to go in a different, more mature direction. (No. Not porn. Jeez). She’s decided to get her hands dirty with one of those gritty, hardscrabble Nicholas Sparks flicks. You know, like The Notebook. In fact, Nicholas Sparks — who scribbles out his novels on toilet paper while he’s taking his morning constitutional — is writing a screenplay specifically for Miley. The film will be called The Last Song, and will be directed by newcomer, Julie Ann Robinson (who has directed a few episodes of “Big Love,” “Weeds” and “Grey’s Anatomy”). The Last Song is about a rebellious teenager sent to spend the summer with her estranged father.

And let me guess: Her father lives on a farm?

God, I hope there’s lots of singing. Shrilly, ear-piercing pop songs that make your heart just float! And a pillow fight! Let there be a pillow fight!


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Comments

That's funny, I use Nicholas Sparks novels as toilet paper. Coincidence?

Posted by: admin at March 31, 2009 7:48 PM

Can't The Last Song be autobiographical? It would be about Miley being kicked in the larynx by her dad's horse. The idea of her never singing again is good enough for a new movie.

Posted by: richmac at March 31, 2009 7:54 PM

Jeebus, Rowles, take that photo down. No one wants to see that! My stomach's all queasy now. Yeugh.

Posted by: figgy at March 31, 2009 7:55 PM

Better. Butterface. Better! Butterface! Bett-no, yeah, butterface.

Posted by: Geetch at March 31, 2009 7:59 PM

I hope you're got a fresh site backup done, Rowles.

Posted by: lordhelmet at March 31, 2009 8:12 PM

I quit. Again.

Posted by: TK at March 31, 2009 8:27 PM

(No. Not porn. Jeez)

Give her time.

Posted by: lizzieborden at March 31, 2009 8:35 PM

[sarcasm]
But whoever will they find to play her character's father?
[/sarcasm]

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 31, 2009 8:40 PM

Those eyes ... they're staring right into my soul ... they're speaking to me ... to my heart ... they're saying ...

"I'd let you pop my top off, big guy, but I'm conditioned to do that only for old men with mullets."

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 31, 2009 8:42 PM

Larry the Cable Guy. Billy Ray doesn't have the chops.

Posted by: admin at March 31, 2009 8:43 PM

I hesitate to say this as the mother of a daughter who will some day be a teenager...but that girl just ain't pretty.

Posted by: samantha t at March 31, 2009 8:45 PM

How dare you say that about Larry the, Cable Guy admin. He's way to classy for Miley Cyrus.

Oh, and if Jesus does finally return from the dead, I hope he immediately vaporizes this planet on general principle.

Posted by: George at March 31, 2009 8:54 PM

Now, now, people it's not her fault that she was thrust upon us and overexposed to the world by a father EAGER to exploi...reveal his daughter's "talents" to the world and a large company that's only too eager to accommodate his ambitions.

It could be worse you know. There could be THREE of her, singing, dancing, acting... badly. So far we only have two to contend with- Miley and the Hannah chick. Be grateful for small movies and avoid the movie plexes with the screaming hordes if you can. Ear plugs optional.

Posted by: Four Eyes at March 31, 2009 8:57 PM

Dammit. "small mercies". 'Cause so far NONE of her movies have been small.

Posted by: Four Eyes at March 31, 2009 8:59 PM

HA! once again you prove what a sick fuck you are.

PERVERT!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 31, 2009 9:28 PM

Hannah Montana is a ripoff of "Jem" and Miley Cyrus is only 16 years old but dating a 20 year old! In what world is that ok? Don't answer that.

Posted by: rayliota at March 31, 2009 10:02 PM

Her big hit will be the upcoming Sisterhood of the 48-year-old-cigarettey-whore-voice

Posted by: steve B. at March 31, 2009 10:37 PM

Wait. I thought they already did Hannah Montana: The Movie. Didn't they?

Posted by: Gabs at March 31, 2009 10:42 PM

Hannah Montana is a ripoff of "Jem" and Miley Cyrus is only 16 years old but dating a 20 year old! In what world is that ok?

-rayliota

I'm answering anyway. In some states, the age of consent is 16, so it's legal. Notice, I didn't say it was okay.

Posted by: George at March 31, 2009 10:54 PM

In some states, the age of consent is 16, so it's legal.

Only if they're related. Oh wait, right, dad's a country singer.

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at March 31, 2009 10:59 PM

shut the fuck up! miley cyrus is truly outrageous.

truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Posted by: gp at March 31, 2009 11:14 PM

It's should never be legal to copulate with Miley Cyrus. We don't really need more Cyrus genes on this earth.

Oh, and I think she was 15 when she began to date him. Yuck.

Posted by: rayliota at March 31, 2009 11:22 PM

No offense to the younger crowd meant! It's just that when you reach the ripe old age of 30 the idea of anyone in their 20s dating a 16 year old is creepy. Or maybe it's just creepy to me.

Posted by: rayliota at March 31, 2009 11:25 PM

So call me creepy, but I can think of about $50 million good reasons to tap that, however old you are.

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 31, 2009 11:34 PM

It's not worth it, no one should have to be that desperate, bucdaddy.

The worst part of it is that it's only guys who want jailbait, no girl in their 20's or 30's or 40's (outside of Stifler's mom) wants to do it with a teenage boy. I'm talking about the majority of cases, I know there are exceptions, but when you're a 16 year old boy, it's infuriating.

Posted by: George at March 31, 2009 11:43 PM

George, hon, I'm truly sorry. My little bro is 18 and I am often driving he and his friends around to various places. While some of them are cute and I totally would have tapped that back in the day, they are just so damn young looking! I know 18 year old me would have been in love, but 30 year old me can't fathom the thought.

This doesn't stop them from trying though. Their efforts are pretty awesome so I would encourage you to never stop trying. You never know what could happen.

Posted by: rayliota at March 31, 2009 11:58 PM

I dunno, George. Sure are a lot of chick teachers banging their 13-14-15-16-year-old boyfriends these days. Maybe you should stop cruising the playground and hit the teachers' lounge.

Posted by: bucdaddy at April 1, 2009 12:01 AM

Bucdaddy, you're so wise and sage like.

Posted by: admin at April 1, 2009 12:09 AM

Yes, I am. Not to mention parsley, rosemary and thyme like. I make some mean fuckin' rosemary potatoes, bitches, but you have to come to West By-God to try them. And I loves me some basil on a pizza.

Posted by: bucdaddy at April 1, 2009 12:40 AM

Mmmm... potatoes....

Posted by: George at April 1, 2009 12:47 AM

Miley Cyrus and the Rosemary Potatoes.

This shit writes itself.

Posted by: simian raticus at April 1, 2009 2:21 AM

Is...is it wrong I want a stomach like hers?
I know she's earnd through a strict regimen of Disney Army training, coke and cock, but maybe if I do like, a thousand sit ups a night and stop eating a small towns worth of delicious, delicious gingerbread men every time they're in the house, mowing through them, destroying familys, biting off heads and limbs and faces...all to satiate my eternal, gingery hunger.....


Mm. I'm hungry
What was I talking about?

Posted by: nadine at April 1, 2009 4:16 AM

Bloody hell Nadine, I hope you never go to England. The Royal line would be in some serious trouble.

Posted by: admin at April 1, 2009 7:05 AM

She is just plain Fugly.......But damn I want her stomach and nadine shut up you have that stomach already!

Posted by: nieve at April 1, 2009 7:06 AM

Rayliota - I'm with you. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

Posted by: samantha t at April 1, 2009 7:57 AM

Girl's got fetal alcohol face. I predict a Hilary Duff type makeover in her near future, though I doubt it will help.

Posted by: Andrew at April 1, 2009 8:41 AM

Aw, play nice, Pajibans. Sure, she's insufferable and irritating, but she's only 16. Let us not forget that we were all COLOSSAL assholes at 16. Most of us are colossal assholes now.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 1, 2009 9:55 AM

Tracer, speak for yourself. At 16, I was studying my ass off for exams and taking busses and the skytrain to school and not whining and bitching about having to drive my mom's Porshe or Ferrari (I forget which she complained about). Also, at 16 (or any age for that matter) I didn't make baby prostitute faces and take photos of my breasts (and trust me when I say, I actually HAVE breasts). She is a COLOSSAL asshole with a huge sense of entitlement (and an autobiography at mother f'ing SIXTEEN) and neither age nor lineage can be excuses for that.

Posted by: io at April 1, 2009 12:31 PM

Tracer, speak for yourself. At 16, I was studying my arse off for exams and taking busses and the skytrain to school and not whining and b*tching about having to drive my mom's Porshe or Ferrari (I forget which she complained about). Also, at 16 (or any age for that matter) I didn't make baby prostitute faces and take photos of my breasts (and trust me when I say, I actually HAVE breasts). She is a COLOSSAL a**hole with a huge sense of entitlement (and an autobiography at mother f***ing SIXTEEN) and neither age nor lineage can be excuses for that.

Posted by: io at April 1, 2009 12:34 PM

What's with the pouty expression? It makes me want to punch her in the throat.

Posted by: Jeni at April 1, 2009 12:35 PM

You guys are almost as good as T.V. lol

Posted by: Awesome Guy at April 10, 2009 11:23 AM





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