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What Is Best in Life?

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (17)

mickey-rourke-460_1292254c.jpg

I fucking love Conan the Barbarian. Let’s start with that.

We all know a new Conan flick is on the horizon. They’ve got a director that I don’t trust worth a damn — Marcus Nispel (Pathfinder, Friday the 13th). They’ve got their Conan — Jason Momoa, whose resume reads like a selection of the worst that television has to offer: 78 episodes of “Stargate: Atlantis,” 21 episodes of “North Shore,” and 44 episodes of fucking “Baywatch.” They’ve got a potential villain being played by a guy whose name is, hand to God, Raw Leiba.

I guess what I’m saying is, it does not look particularly promising. Another way of saying it is, “are you fucking kidding me with this bullshit? It’s fucking Conan! A property loved and revered by geeks everywhere and you’re putting it in the hands of these donkeys?”

So, the newest news is that Corin, father of Conan, might be cast soon. The man who will impart great wisdom upon Conan. A man who will teach him life lessons. That man may well be… Mickey Rourke. Now, of course it’s a movie and he’s an actor, but I just love the image of Rourke being the one that you’re taking fatherly advice from. Useful advice like — how to pick the best hookers, where to score the best blow, the sort of thing that was sadly lacking from my upbringing. I had to learn that shit the hard way.

I’m getting sidetracked. Anyway, so there’s that, which is somewhat positive. The original script was written by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer, who teamed up before to write the screenplays for Sahara and A Sound of Thunder. Aw, fucking balls. Well, the good news is that they’ve hired Sean Hood to rewrite the script. Hood wrote the screenplays for Halloween: Resurrection and The Crow: Wicked Prayer.

Oh.

Great.

You know what? Dustin passed this story on to me like he was doing me a fucking favor. After digging all of that shit up, I want to move to the wilderness and set this goddamn website on fire. I hate you all.

Goddamnit.









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Comments

We're feeling the love, TK.

Posted by: Magiel at February 25, 2010 10:15 AM

I want to move to the wilderness and set this goddamn website on fire. I hate you all.
Goddamnit.

So, in other words, just another day at the office for TK.

I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this remake.

Posted by: Rykker at February 25, 2010 10:20 AM

Don't get me wrong, I love Conan too. A LOT. I'm a nerd, I kind of have to know the quotes by heart, like Princess Bride or Willow or Bladerunner. If I don't, they take away my badge, and I need my steenkin' batch.

But. BUT. The first one had Arnold Schwarzenegger, in the role people consider to be his breakout. His English was horrible, his acting was untested. With the obvious exception of James Earl Jones, a lot of the cast was unknowns. Sandahl Bergman, as Valeria, was a dancer. Subotai was played by a surfer, Gerry Lopez. It had a bunch of other bodybuilders in it. Not exactly known for their acting prowess.

Most likely, this movie will be shit. But the first one could have been too, and if we were looking at it now as if we'd never seen it, we'd probably think it would have been.

Posted by: Snath at February 25, 2010 10:28 AM

I want to move to the wilderness and set this goddamn website on fire. I hate you all.

Sometimes we reap what we sow, Human-Centipede-Picture-Posting Guy.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at February 25, 2010 10:29 AM

Snath, I like your positive attitude, but frankly I'm scared. I'm going to reserve judgement until I've seen it (because I will be seeing it).

Posted by: Xtreme at February 25, 2010 10:56 AM

What? This...this is not what's best in life. This is what's worst in life. This is your enemies crushing you, watching as your being driven before them and having them hear the lamentations of your women. I'm with TK, fuck this! Now where's my greatsword?

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2010 11:49 AM

"a guy whose name is, hand to God, Raw Leiba. - Raw Labia? What?

Posted by: Odnon at February 25, 2010 11:52 AM

Raw Labia? What?

Just like your mom, when I was done with her.

Posted by: That Guy at February 25, 2010 12:02 PM

Most likely, this movie will be shit. But the first one could have been too, and if we were looking at it now as if we'd never seen it, we'd probably think it would have been.

Except, well, the 1st one was written by Oliver Stone, who'd written Midnight Express at that point and John Milius, who'd written Dirty Harry, Jeremiah Johnson, The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, Big Wednesday and the original draft of Apocalypse Now by then.

Milius also directed, and although his directing credits were far weaker than his writing ones, helming a Conan movie would be *exactly* the kind of project you would expect him to do well with.

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at February 25, 2010 2:41 PM

While I love Mickey Rourke and his brand of crazy pretty fiercely... the newly cast Conan is kinda ethnic*, iffa you know what I'm sayin', and Mickey's, well, not. Not that that ever stopped Hollywood before.

*And ridiculously hot.

Posted by: MM at February 25, 2010 2:56 PM

Raw Labia? What?

Posted by: Odnon at February 25, 2010 11:52 AM
---
FWIW, I had a chemo lite treatment today and the nurse recommended that Mrs. , and I ... um, forgo intimate relations for awhile. The nurse also said I should flush twice every time I take a whiz.

Holy hell, I have Alienpenis!

Raw labia? I can set labia on FIRE ...

Hmmmm, and now that I think about it, some of you freaks might LIKE that ...

Posted by: , at February 25, 2010 3:30 PM

commadaddy, wasn't there a movie trailer on Pajiba a while back with the penis that shot fire? Anyways...

That's unfortunate and slightly frightening. I hope you have no side effects (other than the slightly alien penis).

This reminds me of when my friend's cat had to be irradiated for a thyroid problem (don't ask!) and the vet told him, "Maybe don't let the cat sit on your lap for a coupla weeks..." Glow in the dark pussy!

Posted by: MM at February 25, 2010 3:59 PM

Stargate: Atlantis was one of the best shows of the aughts. I can understand your apprehension about the other decisions but doing go ragging on Momoa please, he's awesome.

Posted by: Chugga at February 25, 2010 5:34 PM

MM, You're right, there was. And it hasn't been heard from since. What happened to it? Where did it go? Prisco? TK? Someone get on this, STAT.

*Hmmmm ... wonder what happens if I bang the bishop into this box of shredded papeFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM ...

...

...

...


...

Draws new eyebrows with Sharpie*

Posted by: , at February 25, 2010 11:33 PM

It just so happens I work in TV (I write news copy for an NBC Station). Raw Leiba is actually a pretty accomplished actor/stuntman and is primarily know from his role as Cave on HBO'S Peabody award winning show "THE WIRE".He is also a accomplished athlete having played both football and basketball professionally.He is know in Hollywood as one of the few actors to play Native American,Latin and African American roles in major film,known for his chiseled physique,won Gym Magazines Fittest Human in 2007,has worked directly with Nicolas Cage and Penelope Cruz (G-force)plays a major role in the up coming film "The Best and the Brightest" opposite Neil Patrick Harris,Christopher McDonald,Kate Muldrew will be in another upcoming film being released this year "The Ascension"opposite Corbin Bernson,and is in pre-production on 2 other major motion picture a "unnamed" project and "The Driver"playing the role of Mick opposite Heather Locklear,Abe Vigoda and Vincent Pastore,he also is very good friends with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and even doubled for him on Saturday Night Live..Ive actually seen him act hes very very good,that villain role is in good hands. Check IMDB or Google him,hes impressive.

Posted by: LarryNBC at February 26, 2010 1:23 AM

I just wanna share my experience here. I found my boyfriend several months ago, who is 10 years older than me, at http://EUAgeless.com/, a free place for age-gap relationship. It's fabulous! Maybe you wanna check it!

Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2010 1:23 AM

Yeah the rumor now is that they are actually writing Leiba a part in Conan and trying to keep it secret,but if he doesn't take the role he has to be in line for some superhero role,I'm thinking Luke Cage,Blade if they do another one or Black Panther,a physique like that should be in Comics..Wow

Posted by: STAR IILUSTRATED at February 27, 2010 7:57 AM