The ongoing feud between Michael Bay and Tyler Perry that has been going on in our comments section the last months has nearly torn our poor Pajiba family apart. Two camps have sprung up, leaving drive-by comments in the middle of night, and even innocent bystanders have been waylaid by collateral fire. It’s killing my heart, turning me into something I never thought I’d become. Something dark. A little sinister. My innocense has been lost. As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serangetti,
I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become
Up until now, I’ve tried to remain neutral. Choosing a side is akin to choosing between an Upper GI and a Lower GI. How do I choose? Do I drink the barium, or pour it into my ass?
Well, it’s all finally come to a head. After watching the video below of a “Michael Bay” directed cereal commercial, the decision is out of my hands. You win, Michael Bay! You are the greatest director of the generation, ney, in cinematic history. After watching your video, I’ve never wanted so badly to eat High School Musical cereal! Those delicious pink-and-yellow high-fructose corn syrup puffs, the glistening milk, the beautiful woman, and the slo-mo rain. Take me, Michael Bay. Take off your magnificent robe, and take me!
If I ever meet Tyler Perry on the street I plan on running up to him and pushing him in front of whatever bus, truck or large angry black women are nearby.
As I stand over his broken and dying body I'll lean in real close to his stupid fat fucking face and whisper quietly: "Madea was a cunt and so are you. Burn in hell asshole."
I hate him with a level of vitriol that should probably be best reserved for AIDS, Satan and the Jonas Brothers.
Posted by: Roaddog at April 2, 2009 7:45 PM
I have never seen HSM cereal, but that crap looks like Trix. Do they still make that stuff? I'm not around children, so I haven't been exposed to sweetened cereal in forever.
Posted by: rlr260 at April 2, 2009 7:50 PM
Dustin, your wife does know you're gay, right?
Posted by: Ariel at April 2, 2009 8:01 PM
Well, the music was dead-on-balls, but the schlubby fella ain't right. And that hair? There are no bad boys, only boys with bad haircuts.
Posted by: Lance at April 2, 2009 8:12 PM
Michael Bay has no talent, he's a modern version of the A Team. How the hell does this douchebag still get work?
For once I am happy with my Dutch lack of American pop culture exposure.
Mr. Bay can kiss my crusty donkey's tail, but I have yet to soil my brain with sir Perry's shenanigans. I vow to keep it that way as long as humanly possible...
Michael Bay may not have any talent, but at least he doesn't knowingly exploit easy stereotypes to make a buck. Bay simply wants to entertain us and thinks that a slow zoom and some snazzy editing will do the trick. Every time. Perry slits the cultural throat of his own kind and makes a buck on it.
Angry loud black women? [x]
Absentee Fathers? [x]
Chicken and orange pop? [x]
Black man can't keep a job? [x]
Fuck you Tyler Perry. You're the black Carlos Mencia, casually raping your own race for profit with jokes that hint of racism but never intelligently discussing the evils therein.
What's worse is that none of it even approaches "funny." It's like watching old reruns of "Martin" with all of the "Daaaaamnnn Gina's" taken out.
Posted by: Roaddog at April 2, 2009 8:37 PM
Pookie
You know nothing of me, the limits of my toughness, or the depths of my seething hatred for Tyler Perry.
If you, the Pope, Shitting Baby Jesus, my own nana and Tyler Perrys family were there and watching that motherfucker would still find himself under the wheels or some fat womans size seven.
“Michael Bay may not have any talent, but at least he doesn't knowingly exploit easy stereotypes to make a buck. Bay simply wants to entertain us and thinks that a slow zoom and some snazzy editing will do the trick. Every time. Perry slits the cultural throat of his own kind and makes a buck on it.”
Posted by: Roaddog at April 2, 2009 8:37 PM
________________________________________________________________________
Roaddog, your last sentence states something about Perry slitting the “cultural throat” of his “own kind” to make a buck. Who are Perry’s “own kind” Roady? Mankind Roady?
Every white director in the history of film has made a movie with stereotypes. For example, Godfathers 1, 2, & 3 which are considered by some of our greatest movie critics as being some of the best movie making in the history of film. But unfortunately those movies stereotyped Italians, and I’ve yet to hear you or any of our esteemed critics here say that Coppola slit the “cultural throat” of his “own kind.” But when Perry makes a movie about African Americans he’s labeled the great Satan, I wonder why? On a side note I’m thrilled that white people are so concerned about the image of the African American in film that it warms my innards. And as far as you wanting to do something to Perry if you saw him walking down the street, I would advise you not to, seeing as we live in a civilized society we kinda frown upon acts of barbarism, and you might catch a beat down cause that's how TP roll.
Posted by: Pookie at April 2, 2009 11:47 PM
TP Roll.....I get it, cause his movies are shit. You so funny, Pookie.
Going past stereotypes, I think the reason I dislike him is all about him not wanting to hire union writers. The fact that his movies and television shows suck aren't my concern, every audience has a niche and there's a sucker born every minute. But you don't fire people for wanting to be part of a union that basically every writer on TV or movies is a member of. Union busting is some weak shit and he's a dick for trying to do it.
Oh, and Bay sucks too. He's not as bad as Ratner or Boll, but then who is?
One day soon I'm going to answer the Tyler Perry question Rubble.
Posted by: Pookie at April 3, 2009 3:13 AM
I don't really get the hate for Tyler Perry.
Please don't kill me.
I haven't really watched any of his movies, but the usual complaint I often hear is how he portrays his characters in a stereotypical way. Yet, isn't that what the case is for a lot of films that are made by black people? I just find it kind of sad that Tyler Perry has so much hate attributed towards his name when I walk through a video store (yeah, I don't dig Netflix) and I pass videos like The Cookout, I Accidentally DOMED Your Son, Vampiyaz and a whole other series of film which show black people presented in ultra-ridiculous stereotypes. Hell, even Spike Lee does that from time to time, no?
Isn't it amazing how David Simon, a white guy, created The Wire, which doesn't really exploit stereotypes, but just presents a somewhat neutral perspective overall. Stringer Bell was such a sophisticated gangster, and Avon Barksdale was very thuggish yet very smart (talking and kind of verbally punishing Stringer out of stupidly planning to assasinate Clay Davis, the state senator of Baltimore). I rarely see stereotypes in that show, because it just chooses to avoid them and present smart storytelling with amazing talent. That show is honestly the best thing I've ever seen on television.
(Yeah, I discuss The Wire a helluva lot. Sorry if that may annoy some people)
Oh, and Aaron McGruder for The Boondocks. He may show a lot of stereotypes, but he uses very intelligent satire. So that counts for something.
Michael Bay I just stopped caring about. No matter what, every movie he does will reach steallar reviews and high movie attendance, so whatever. His storytelling is mediocre at best, but as long as he's around, and Spielberg has his back, he is infallible.
Posted by: Riley at April 3, 2009 3:37 AM
Damn, Pookie.
That was some cold, transcribed excercise.
That was one hell of a point you illustrated about The Godfather movies. I was trying to say something along that, but I got kind of lost in my own words.
Oh, and I think I have your director answer, and it's kind of obvious.
Those "2 of 6 guys from Scary Movie." Jason Friedburg and Aaron Seltzer. At least Ratner is smart enough not to write his movies, unlike the two asshats mentioned above, right?
And that guy who made Napolean Dynamite and Nacho fuckin' Libre.
Posted by: Riley at April 3, 2009 3:52 AM
Pookie,
If Coppola had dressed up Michael, Fredo and the rest of The Family in exaggerated Mario and Luigi outfits and played the female roles himself in drag all while stuffing manicotti and lasagna down their throats in Garfieldesque portions, then you'd have an argument. I think you'd be hard pressed to call anything that Tyler Perry does the work of an auteur, whereas Coppola embodies the role. Comparing the two is like saying that your mom should be considered an artist because she doodled something that resembles something Renoir painted once. There's a world of difference between using an easy stereotype to convey necessary information about central characters and their motivations, and goofing on mexicans/blacks/asians for their beans/bad parenting/poor driving because you want a cheap laugh. Anyone who uses painful and tired racism as the cornerstone of their "career" simply isn't smart enough to write anything meaningful and taking the easy out followed by the mounds of easy WB, CW or Comedy Central cash. Gutting your own so you can drive a shiny fast car is deplorable when anyone does it, be it Perry, Mencia or any other hack comic.
Lastly, if I have to constantly read about what twisted and fucked up sexual things you all want to do to each other and your pets, then I think you can deal with a little macabre fantasizing about the death of an accepted asshole and douchebag. It's actually kind of cathartic.
Posted by: Roaddog at April 3, 2009 5:45 AM
My favorite Michael Bay Moment is when he's in that commercial for whatever and he demonstrates his awesomeness by blowing up his grill.
Posted by: Mr. Tusks at April 3, 2009 7:40 AM
Tyler/Michael,
Let's get one thing straight here. You both make shit. Pure, unadulterated, shit. Your combined works do not even touch a hair on my head, or any of my friends heads, and we've been in the business quite a while.
Goodfellas? You'll never make a movie like that. Raging Bull? The Departed? After Hours? The Last Waltz? All fucking classics. All you'll have between you are some robots smashing stuff up and an angry black woman. How that gets into the Library of Congress, I'll never know.
Who wins in the end? Me.
P.S. Did you know I have Bobby DeNiro, Joe Pesci, Leo DiCaprio, and Ray Liotta on speed dial? You might want to think about that before trying to come and trash my party.
Posted by: Martin Scorsese at April 3, 2009 9:01 AM
That commercial, while entertaining and certainly successful in making me crave a bowl of cereal, sorely lacked explosions, burning cars, or the aforementioned waving American flags. Which is why I will always love Michael Bay's commercial for Verizon Fios. Nothing beats it. I may have to go youtube it now.
Posted by: Kolby at April 3, 2009 9:42 AM
My innocense has been lost.
That's okay, I'm sure you can get more in Chinatown.
Posted by: amanda47 at April 3, 2009 9:50 AM
Oh my goodness...I've watched that shit three times, and it gets funnier every single fucking time! I actually snorted a few times out loud! Bravo! Bravo!
They both suck, by the way, just for the record.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 3, 2009 9:51 AM
Tyler Perry is far more disgusting than Bay. They both make awful movies, but I can sit through a Bay film as they are often unintentionally hilarious, and they ARE watchable. I cannot and will not sit through Perry's shit. Forget the clear betrayal of his own race to make a lot of fucking money, but what about the fact that he thinks his audiences are so stupid and so simple that him dressing up as a fat old lady ALL THE TIME is all they need to be amused? it's gross.
Posted by: soda at April 3, 2009 10:55 AM
To my knowledge, Bay has never put a man in a fatsuit. Therefore, he wins.
Also: yes, they still make trix. They also still make that shit Cookie Crisps which absolutely does not taste anything like chocolate chip cookies and instead tastes like watery cat vomit doused in sugar. Fucking cereal industry.
Posted by: Captain Steve at April 3, 2009 11:04 AM
Hey Gang! Michael Bay here!
About damned time. I am fantastic. Fantastic! And Roaddog? Next time you're in my next of the woods, look me up - I'd like to buy you a steak. Suck it Perry!
This is Michael Bay, signing off!
Posted by: Michael Bay at April 3, 2009 11:20 AM
Rubble44: But the quality of Perry's work does matter. Stupidity is like cancer and his films are like cigarettes. They cause and exacerbate the malignancy.
Pookie: You made your point like I made my steak: Well done.
Everyone else: Bay is amazing and you guys are just depriving yourselves of something beautiful by not watching his work. "The Rock" is one of the greatest action movies of all time. Watching Cage stab himself in the heart with a twelve inch needle is all the cinema I'll ever need.
And always remember those immortal words:
Connery: "Losers talk about doin' their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."
Cage: "I married the prom queen."
Connery: "Oh."
Johnny out.
Posted by: JohnnyVonAwesome at April 3, 2009 6:50 PM
But Johnny,
When you are fighting so many wars on so many fronts, sometimes you have to let some things slide. When we have a world where people like Heigl, Rumer Willis and Paris Hilton are popular, working actresses instead of the morning shift at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas. Where Dina Lohan gets a mother of the year trophy instead of a court order to not be within 500 yards of any child, when Twilight is not only a popular movie, but the braindead dipshits who are in it become sex symbols, where Miley fucking Cyrus is a pop icon...then there are bigger fish to fry.
I can't do it all...i'm just one man. A great man, but one man. Yes, Tyler Perry's work is low grade dog shit, but I choose to use my powers to fight different battles, the ones that are more important to me. I'd rather work on a cure for the Hills. It doesn't mean your work is less important, I just think there are enough people around to fight that battle.
ToTo?
Nice.