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January 13, 2009 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | January 13, 2009 |

Having not read an issue of TV Guide since they used to reside next to the Reader’s Digest in the bathroom of my MeMaw’s trailer home when I was 8, I’d blessedly been largely ignorant of Michael Ausiello up until recently, when Entertainment Weekly unwisely decided that they’d like to reduce the staff’s collective intellectual IQ into negative numbers by adding him. The man is an anthropomorphic embolism; he actually blocks intelligence, keeps it from entering your brain. He is a pustule of stupidity, threatening to erupt in your eye — a geyser of pus, blood, and inanity. He is a blight on the soul of the television industry. I loathe him.

If you’re not familiar with Ausiello, then congratulations — your brain is still fully functioning. Ausiello is purportedly a television critic, though he’s about as critical as a fat man is of a chili dog. Ausiello is essentially the Perez Hilton of television critics, only he’s exchanged cum driblets and coke boogers for inane commentary and television spoilers. His entire career seems to consist of finding out about vapid series’ plotlines and revealing them to his readers, and then acting as though he’s some sort of goddamn savior. The dude really needs to get the fuck over himself. The man has no perspective on what he does: Finding out the latest casting news on “Grey’s Anatomy” really doesn’t alter our lives in any meaningful way, you twatwaffle. I realize that there’s an ounce of hypocrisy in the guy who runs Trailer Suck-offs saying that, but I’m under no illusion that I’m saving the goddamn Earth by running gratuitous photos of Ryan Reynolds without a shirt.

But the truth is, this motherfucker is a pawn for the television industry. There is nothing he doesn’t lap up like a starletard at a cum convention. He begins every sentence with a pun, then follows it up by announcing that his pun is an Ausiello exclusive, and then closes with another pun, almost always forgetting to actual reveal anything of worth (seriously: Check out the Ausiello Files, and count how many headlines contain the word: Exclusive. It’s about as meaningless as CNN’s “Breaking News.” Still, every TV exec in Hollywood talks to him, because they know that, even a scrap of meaningless information will have Ausiello fellating ther show like a dog with its own balls. He is a vile little man. But he’s an influential vile little man, and he can keep a show on for a few extra weeks (though, he’s not had the best of luck with “Pushing Daisies.”)

But what I really can’t stand is that, though he’s purportedly an educated man, he still speaks in a weird “Access Hollywood” tongue — he’s got some sort of Tourette’s where he’s incapable of completing a sentence without using the word “swag,” “scoop,” “Mommy” or “exclusive,” and yet people still slaver all over him. (And what the fuck is “frenemy”?) Like Perez Hilton, he is inexplicably beloved; he is considered by most to be witty, snarky, and brilliant, but unlike Hilton, he appears to have few detractors. Seriously: Do a Google search and find one respectable journalist who has a bad word to say about him. Fuck me, the man is the Joel Siegel of television; he’s a self-loving punfucker, and he’s somehow convinced his readers to love him, too. How? By procuring facile tidbits of information 90 minutes before everyone else and then gloating about it in the form of puns. Even worse, this smurf-collecting nitwit (seriously, he has an entire room devoted to a smurf collection), makes it a point every reason to find a show he can guest star in. And that’s the real shame, folks: He can’t be critical — he might jeopardize his chances of doing what he really wanted to do: Act. People often say of critics (and teachers) that they’re criticizing what they couldn’t do themselves — but that’s not entirely true. A good critic is doing exactly what he wanted to do from the beginning. But then again, Ausiello isn’t a good critic; like his counterpart in the film world, Ben Lyons, he just happens to be one of the most popular ones.

A Pajiba Exclusive! / Dustin Rowles

Industry | January 13, 2009 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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