Brian Grazer first teamed up with Ron Howard in 1984’s Splash, forging a producer/director partnership that would spawn nearly 25 years of well-respected, mostly bland movies that frequently trafficked in lightweight historical significance. Grazer, apparently ready to mine that fish fountain once again, is now producing a romantic comedy called Merman, working from a script by Jennifer Abu Hollander.
The premise: A Merman has to return to dry land after his Mermaid lady-friend ditches him for a real man. And there you go: Box-office gold. Who can resist Merman / Homo-Sapien love? Although I have to concede that, though I liked Splash, the mer-fins always kind of creeped me out. How do you make that work? I mean, there’s no there there. Is there an invisible blow hole? And Mermen — there’s nothing there, either. Just a big fin. Don’t Mer-people lay a big gooey mass of eggs like other fish?
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 19, 2009 11:37 AM
She had two legs out of the water, Rowles
It was Fry from Futurama who was screwed.
(Was it Cracked.com who had that list of reasons nobody should want to be sexing it up in the water anyway? Germs, man. Germs.)
Posted by: twig at March 19, 2009 11:39 AM
The question before us is where's her clitoris?
Posted by: PaddyDog at March 19, 2009 11:40 AM
Fish fountain? Really?
Posted by: Smokin at March 19, 2009 11:46 AM
Splash was awesome. That's when I fell in love with the young Tom Hanks. He was funny (Mr. Mango on my shoulder!), cute, sexy--"on top of the refrigerator...." And, I can talk just like Madison when she blows up the TV's!!!
That being said, pass on this on. Sounds too much like the cheesy friggin' Aquaman they shoe-horned into "Smallville." That's about the time my infrequent watching of that tripe turned into non-watching.
Just rent Splash again. Savor the young hotness of Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah, before she went bugshit.
That Aquaman SUCKED but that line was the closest we'll get to an admission Smallville is a giant mountain of Sausage jiggery pokery and rampant bumming.
This...IIII dont know, mermen...mermaids even...eeeh...I prefer them in the Harrods funded Peter Pan style, almost like sentient sharks with semi human faces, vicious bitches and sirens who'll drown you and eat your face before they'll sell their voice for a pair of legs
Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 12:12 PM
Bugshit? Does that mean "crazy?" Kinda like batshit insane?
I haven't hardly followed her career. I thought she kicked ass in the Kill Bill films, though.
Posted by: Rykker at March 19, 2009 12:14 PM
If I were a mermaid, I'd cut my hair off cause wouldn't it be a pain that every time you stopped swimming it would float in front of your face? And wouldn't it always be getting caught in coral and stuff?
That's the REAL issue here, people.
Posted by: AM at March 19, 2009 12:15 PM
If you're a Merperson, does Aquaman have any control over you? I mean, yeah you've got the ability to use reason and logic and to communicate with other humans, but the other half of you is a fucking fish. Or, does Aquaman just control the backside? Aww yeah, brother... He controls the backside... Where the gooeyglob eggs are kept...
Posted by: Skitz at March 19, 2009 12:25 PM
The question before us is where's her clitoris?
Under her scales, of course.
I always assumed merpeople had little trap door type things to cover their mernitals.
Posted by: Cindy at March 19, 2009 12:29 PM
I thought the fin was a big-ass clitoris, and that's why everyone wants to fuck mermaids.
I never got the attraction to the mer-people. I mean, mermaids, okay, a skittish mermaid's only gonna be slightly more virginal than your average Fundamental Virgin Bride.
But a merman? Good Christ. He goes from having nothing to having dangly bits to having dangly bits that seem to have a mind of their own and... yeah. I don't do virgins for a reason. I don't care how buff and Fabio-like Fish-boy is.
Give a person who's never experienced an erection a bottle of lube and a hole in the wall and...well...I'm pretty sure the NYC Blackout can be attributed to some slum lord not putting in the right kind of circuit breaker.
Just sayin'.
Posted by: Ava at March 19, 2009 12:52 PM
Don’t Mer-people lay a big gooey mass of eggs like other fish?
Actually there are some species of fish that do gestate internally and then have live birth. Some sharks (for example) will engage in sharky love in order to fertalize multiple eggs. As the young grow, the stongest of the bunch will cannibalize its siblings for their nutrient value. Upon reaching full gestation, the baby shark or "pup" is born live into the ocean.
Ummmmm....I mean....Mermaid tail! Woooo! I'd like to hit that! Bow chicka wow-wow.
A Merman has to return to dry land after his Mermaid lady-friend ditches him for a real man Pfft. What did he expect? Everybody knows that mermaids are dirty, dirty whores.
Posted by: s. pisaster at March 19, 2009 3:00 PM
This reminds me of a weird short story I read a long time ago (sorry I can't remember the title or the author)--the Prince and the Little Mermaid have wed. Lo and behold, it's their wedding night. In the bedroom, the Little Mermaid asks the Prince where the "spawning pool" is located. The Prince goes nuts. The end.
The moral of the story (the way I understand it)--mermen/mermaids don't have the birds and the bees; they have fish and mollusks.
Posted by: True_Blue at March 19, 2009 3:10 PM
I like the Entourage take on Aquaman: "Let's not and say we did."
Posted by: Recondite at March 19, 2009 5:02 PM
I think the scales fold outward to reveal a magical mercooch.
Posted by: Lucas at March 19, 2009 5:32 PM
My brother's name is Madison and he was born in 1988. My parents loved the film Mermaid. I only say this to point out my punk-ass neocon brother was named after a mermaid. That is all.
Better this than Aquaman.