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Max Fischer Saved Latin, Mel Gibson Takes Care of Every Other Dead Language

By Brian Prisco | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (33)

leonardo_dicaprio19.jpg

While promoting the recycled revenge flick Edge of Darkness and giving hints at the disasterbacle that is Mad Max 4 (which even he isn’t sure if he’s in), Gibson was waxing ecstatic on his latest dream project, something he’s been fantasizing about since he was 16. No, it’s not a shot for shot remake of Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will. It’s a VIKING MOVIE! Starring….Leonardo DiCaprio?

Yeah, apparently, Gibson’s all kinds of hot and bothered to fire up a super-violent, super frightening Viking flick. The scariest goddamn movie he can possibly make, by god. And so he plans of having all the actors talk in authentic Norse and Old English. And when I think big frightening raping and pillaging Viking, I definitely think scrawny ass Leo.

Have another one, you fucking lush.

I’m not saying Gibson can’t make a kick-ass action flick. Lord knows the man masturbates over blood and gore. He’ll fuck people up for sure, big old super bloody and splattered violent sieges. And it’s awesome. But seriously, Leo? Marty Scorsese’s little hard-on? I mean, sure, Leo’s a fucking Aryan posterchild, but he’s hardly the archetype for
a big old bearded Norseman.









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Comments

Eh, DiCaprio might be a fine actor and everything buuuut to pull off viking he needs to be an actual male, not some Hollywood twee boy. A real norseman would rape him and snap him in two just to warm up before the real pillaging began.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 20, 2010 10:46 AM

There's no way any respectable Aryan poster child would have a name like Leonardo DiCaprio. Also, I don't know if you've noticed, but he's been looking sort of... jowly, lately.

Plus, he seems like kind of a dick.

But the most constructive thing I have to add to this is that Scandinavian people, the descendents of the Vikings, usually look incredibly mild-mannered and civilized. Have you ever seen a picture of Lars von Trier? Danish, and looks like a bank teller. My home town was settled by Icelanders, hence many of my friends were of Icelandic descent, and while I can see them swilling grog all day and all night, raping and pillaging? Not so much. They're too nice. So... appearances aren't everything. Let Leo get a little hairy and keep him away from the shower for a couple months and maybe you'd have something!

Posted by: J. K. Barlow at January 20, 2010 10:57 AM

I have to say this is exciting news. Prisco is right about Gibson loving the blood and gore and horror and violence, but he forgot to include Gibson's well-known homoerotic streak.

Gibson is undeniably the poster boy for crazypants, but by damn and by God he makes beautiful movies, and the thought of him making a Viking movie just makes me the "m" word. BEEFCAAAAAAKE!

Please keep us posted.

Posted by: Jerce at January 20, 2010 10:59 AM

Actually to be really authentic, all the Norsemen would have to have advanced dental decay by the time they were 18, and not even Mel is going to let that happen.
It really bothers me to see films set in ancient anywhere with all the cast sporting gleaming perfect teeth.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 20, 2010 11:00 AM

Also on the Icelandic thing, Hitler was super impressed by Icelanders. He thought they were the closest thing to pure Aryans that there was. So if Leo is an Aryan poster child (which is of course unlikely, given what I said in the last post), then he's perfect.

Posted by: J. K. Barlow at January 20, 2010 11:00 AM

They could always shoot Leo with one of those Gandelf cameras from Lord of the Rings to make him look larger than the people he's pilla-raping.

Or all the enemies could be Jews. They're all small and scrawnier right? Mel would be into that.

Posted by: PissBoy at January 20, 2010 11:05 AM

Wow! We start off with admiring references to Atyan types and suddenly we're talking about Jewsish people as the enemies. This thread has started to scare me.

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 20, 2010 11:11 AM

mister prisco that is the best freaking title for an article I aver ever read, I'm considering getting it tattooed.
on my forehead.

Posted by: rio at January 20, 2010 11:14 AM

"pilla-raping"

Word of the day! Awesome.

Posted by: MM at January 20, 2010 11:19 AM

I'm not admiring. I'm just describing.

Posted by: J. K. Barlow at January 20, 2010 11:20 AM

and I promise to proofread it before hands, unlike 95% of the comments I post in here. it's not my fault, I was writing in gibsonian

Posted by: rio at January 20, 2010 11:20 AM

suddenly we're talking about Jewsish people as the enemies.

Did you forget what director we're talking about?

Posted by: Jay at January 20, 2010 11:30 AM

No, not at all. It just seemed to go in that direction really quickly and in a strange way. After all, the Vikings had a preference for raping and pillaging Catholics (Ireland, Britain, Southern Italy, etc.)

Posted by: PaddyDog at January 20, 2010 11:33 AM

Let Leo get a little hairy and keep him away from the shower for a couple months and maybe you'd have something!

J.K. Barlow, clearly you have forgotten his look from the Aviator. You described it accurately, but failed to remember that instead of looking like a Viking, he just looked like a homeless teenager.

And in general, Leo's a little too prissy-looking to pass for an Aryan poster child. Sorry, Mel.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at January 20, 2010 11:35 AM

I'm guessing Mel is going with this storyline;

Peaceful Scandinavian farmers are driven to a defensive campaign of pillage and plunder after their farms are foreclosed by Jesus hating, Christian persecuting, Jew bankers, one the jewish thugs even kicks a puppy belonging to a cute little viking girl. IT'S ON!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 20, 2010 11:41 AM

Just promise me Alexander Skaarsgard is in it, wearing only a sheen of sweat and blood. Speaking Norse, as his sexy ass is known to do.

I still won't watch the movie, but I will poster my squee room with the still shots.

What is the female equivalent of fapfapfapfapfapfap?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 20, 2010 11:41 AM

Certainly can't grow a beard to save his life (SO STOP TRYING, FOOL! DOES NOT LOOK TOUGH! LOOKS UGLY!). Granted neither can I, really, but still...

Posted by: Jay at January 20, 2010 11:42 AM

Just promise me Alexander Skaarsgard is in it

Right on schedule.

Look, he didn't get cast as Thor. You all need to get over that shit.

Plus I can't seem him doing anything but runway modeling, certainly not burning down my THATCHED ROOF COTTAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!

Posted by: Jay at January 20, 2010 11:44 AM

I used to live in Norway, and they seemed tall, broad and handsome to me (though it could just be those were the ones I stared at.) Anyway, them I can see swinging an axe towards my head. Leonardo, I can't even imagine him being able to lift an axe. And not even, like, a Viking poleaxe thing, I mean a hatchet.

In sum, Vikings are hot and I want to see hot movie Vikings. Thank you.

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at January 20, 2010 11:45 AM

What is the female equivalent of fapfapfapfapfapfap?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 20, 2010 11:41 AM

------------------------------------------

slapslortslapslortslapslortslapslort


/getting a hard-on

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 20, 2010 11:47 AM

I disagree. The scariest movie Mel Gibson could've done was Teeth. God knows what language the vagina would've spoken.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at January 20, 2010 11:53 AM

i gotta admit, i like the sound of it.

Posted by: farik at January 20, 2010 12:22 PM

Sorry I asked, BSlim.

My apologies, Jay. What I meant was A Skar will be in the movie in my head. He doesn't have to be in your real-life movie if you don't want. Then everyone wins.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 20, 2010 12:28 PM

God knows what language the vagina would've spoken.
Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at January 20, 2010 11:53 AM

Slim just answered that question right above your post...

Posted by: PissBoy at January 20, 2010 12:34 PM

Bizarro Sofia, perhaps ancient Hebrew? Or Aramaic?

Posted by: Your Mom at January 20, 2010 12:35 PM

Well, Your Mom, Vagina Dentata is a Latin term, so one can speculate that it was coined by the Romans, who later introduced the term in Israel. It would explain why a Vagina Dentata speaks Hebrew. And also, circumcision.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at January 20, 2010 12:49 PM

Exactly, Bizarro Sofia. Exactly.

And also, some vaginas bite things off.

Posted by: Your Mom at January 20, 2010 1:18 PM

I mean, I have my doubts about Leo as hulking Norse monstrosity... but look at what former twee boy Ryan Phillipe (Philipe? whatever, i aint looking it up) managed to pull off in Way of the Gun.

Posted by: Lennon at January 20, 2010 1:57 PM

Maybe this movie will be about 'The Little Viking That Could...' A tiny wee manling of a Viking who by using his wits, and making very special friends along the way, rapes and plunders his way through all the land. And concludes with a very special lesson about sharing.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at January 20, 2010 2:34 PM

Leo was pretty big in Gangs of New York. It doesn't seem completely ridiculous. But who cares what he's doing as long as Eric Northman is towering over him.

Posted by: Pryce at January 20, 2010 3:16 PM

Plus I can't seem him doing anything but runway modeling, certainly not burning down my THATCHED ROOF COTTAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!

THATCHED-ROOF COTTAGES!!!!!!!

Posted by: Gabs at January 20, 2010 4:19 PM

Have none of you seen The Departed? He was no viking, but he kicked some serious ass in that. Also, he finally looked like a man for the first time in the scene with him doing push ups in prison.

Face it. Little Leo's all growns up. But yes, a bit jowly.

Posted by: Melissa at January 20, 2010 7:55 PM

Ever feel that you would easily see yourself fitting into his / her life despite the age difference? http://AgelessOnly.com is a good place.

Posted by: Rose at January 21, 2010 1:17 AM