There’s a chance this trade round-up might be shorter than usual. I’m beginning to succumb to the just unbelievable weight of all the crap constantly being shoveled down my unwilling throat by the military industrial complex that is Hollywood. So much of the news isn’t at all exciting, or really even loathsome, just utterly boring: New Line picks up a spec script called Dan Mintner: Badass for Hire, and I’m supposed to pretend like I care that someone’s making a Chuck Norris homage years after the whole beard facts meme and even longer after we all got used to ironically appreciating clips of “Walker, Texas Ranger” on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”? I mean, come on. And oh holy hell, I just turned on the TV and saw an ad for new episodes of “Mind of Mencia.” Didn’t we learn anything last time? Fuck you, Comedy Central. Fuck you stupid whores into eternity.
Universal announced this week that they’ve acquired The Knights Templar, a spec from Adam Torchia and Justin Stanley to be produced by Timur Bekmambetov, a Russian filmmaker best known stateside for Night Watch and its deeply flawed sequel, Day Watch.
(Mini-diversion, or just a sidebar: It’s time to stop using “Electric Boogaloo” as your punchline for fake sequels. For sheer humor and quasi-believability, go with “The Quickening.”)
Anyway, Bekmambetov won’t be directing this time, just producing the script that revolves around the Knights Tenplar and their adventures as they try to stop an invading army of vampires from destroying the Holy Grail. Aside from sounding like a stupid mish-mash of everything you thought was cool in 7th grade, the story sounds pretty forgettable. And to be completely honest, I don’t know a thing about the Knights Templar except a couple vague ideas forward by Umberto Eco the summer I made the poor choice to try and read Foucault’s Pendulum, having momentarily forgotten that life is too wonderful to waste on books like that one.
Speaking of Bekmambetov, the director’s forthcoming Wanted is kicking up some news. Several online outlets are reporting that Derek Haas and Michael Brandt, the screenwriting duo behind Wanted, have already been signed by Universal to do a sequel. The source for the news is actually Pajiba’s interview with Haas and Brandt conducted last year, shortly after the release of their 3:10 to Yuma. So, if it bears out, you can rest assured knowing that Pajiba — completely unknowingly and in an accidental way that should surprise none of our regular readers — broke the news first.
In casting news, Ellen Page will play Jane Eyre in a literary adaptation for BBC Films. No director is attached yet to the screenplay by Moira Buffini. I’ve never read Jane Eyre, so I don’t know if this is a good thing, a bad thing, or just a thing, but I do know that Page isn’t exactly the first name that comes to mind when I think of Victorian repression. It was also announced this week that Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, and Minka Kelly will star in 500 Days of Summer for Fox Searchlight. The “wacky” and “completely original” “anti-romantic comedy” deals with a woman who doesn’t believe in love (Deschanel) and the guy who falls in love with her (Gordon-Levitt). Kelly will apparently play someone who meets Gordon-Levitt by chance, presumably while moping around town and wondering whether she should quit cheer and hook up with the nerdy and stereotypical Christian who’s been giving her the eye.
First up in this morning’s trailer watch is the teaser for Frank Miller’s The Spirit, based on the Will Eisner character. The Lionsgate film’s release was bumped up from January of next year to this Christmas:
Next up is the clip for Baghead, which looks like a weirdly winning combination of indie movie and horror story:
Daniel Carlson is the managing editor of Pajiba and a low-level employee at a Hollywood industry magazine. You can visit his blog, Slowly Going Bald.
What's with the nine minute length of The Spirit trailer when the actual trailer-y bit is 1:30?
Looks fun though.
Posted by: heddy at May 8, 2008 6:31 AM
Well, it says it's artificially lengthened "to preserve quality". Don't know how it's done but I've seen it before. How nice of them.
I wonder how many people will recognize the theme from "The Untouchables". Is it obscure temp score I happen to know, or is it meant to be familiar? I don't have these answers yet.
(I do of course recommend the current Darwyn Cooke version of The Spirit. It's pretty fun, and besides, it's Darwyn Cooke!)
"Jane Eyre" again? I love the book but seriously, does the world need yet another film adaptation? Interesting casting though.
Posted by: mnemo at May 8, 2008 7:57 AM
Damn. Meh trade news is not what I needed. I'm in a weirdly homicidal mood today (weird because at the same time my heart is singing because of the sunshine and my plans for a fabulous weekend and the fact that I'm actually enjoying work today, not because I'm homicidal because that's not weird, that's totally justifiable speaking of: does anyone have any suggestions of the best way to physically beat the sense into a sixteen year old boy? Like, with a bat or something, only less cliched... answers on a postcard please!) and needed something decent to vent over.
I'm all out of ranty topics, unless I want to rant about what's actually bothering me but that would be entirely sensible and not at all passive aggressive enough. I love the passive aggressive. There is a land named Passive Aggressavia and I am their queen. Did I just indirectly quote from Grey's Anatomy? I did didn't I? I have to go kill myself now.
I liked the Spirit trailer. It was pretty.. if a little resembling something I would produced if asked to "make, like, the most Frank Miller-y thing possible" in a film studies class.
It was also announced this week that Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel, and Minka Kelly will star in 500 Days of Summer
damn, that cast deserves a better script, I think we should write one for them, something revolving around the plot of pissed-off actors fed up with crappy Hollywood scripts go on a killing spree with the help of a certain kick-ass movie review website....
and I am jealous it is sunny over there Alex, the sunshine has abandoned us for rainy and cold here...
Posted by: Bethy at May 8, 2008 8:21 AM
I prefer "The Bloodening" for fake-sequel titles. I agree that "Electric Boogaloo" is played out. There's no chance that Ellen Page is actually playing Thursday Next in a movie adaptation of "The Jane Eyre Affair" is there? None? Hmmm, ok just thought I'd check. I could get behind that casting, although I've always pictured Thursday Next as Anne Hathaway but I could also see Eva Green in the role.
Sweet Godtopus, I am bored today.
Posted by: Rob at May 8, 2008 8:32 AM
Wow...that was, umm, news I guess. That was pretty underwhelming. It was like expecting Absolut in my vodka cranberry and they have to use Stoli's. I think I've found more excitement in a pair of velcro shoes.
Posted by: PissBoy at May 8, 2008 8:44 AM
For sequels I prefer to use "Back in the Habit." For instance, "Die Hard 5: Back in the Habit" or "Chronicles of Narnia: Back in the Habit." It has a nice ring to it.
Posted by: Lake at May 8, 2008 8:46 AM
Baghead sounds like a Halloween costume dreamed up by Sandler on Weekend Update back in the day. "Look at me! I'm scary Baghead! Check out my indie cred and scary...bag!"
It actually looks like it might be a decent movie though.
Posted by: Dangle McGee at May 8, 2008 8:49 AM
Awww...disappointing. Not only is there nothing very interesting going on movie-related (although, I'll still watch 500 Days, for JG)...but Alex didn't rant. Seriously, I look forward to those. Although she did rant about not having anything to rant about...does that count?
Never heard of The Spirit...I have to be honest. And though it looks like Miller's using the same style as he did in Sin City (he should tone that down or we'll be sick of Sin City 2 before it even comes out), I'll watch it, if only as a precursor to SC2.
Damn...now I have to actually work. Someone go stir up some trouble with a pissy author...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 8:54 AM
ALEX: I know you wanted postcards, but I ain't got none. Try an eight ball (not the Belushi kind of eight ball, an ACTUAL 8-ball) in a Crown Royal bag. That's what I use at the bar since the cops "confiscated" my shotgun. Crack-A-Lack!
Posted by: LIVEfromShitCreek at May 8, 2008 8:56 AM
Lake: That has a good ring to it. I also like the all purpose hyperbole of ":Full Throttle" [The Piano II: Full Throttle] or the nearly always inappropriate yet appropriate":Pig In The City"
Posted by: be right back at May 8, 2008 9:03 AM
Wait a minute. The BBC just DID a new version of Jane Eyre last year. I hated the story, although the last BBC version did hold my interest. Do we really need another version?
As far as sequels go, I used to play "Under The Sheets" in the school library. You'd go down the stacks and read the book titles and add "Under The Sheets" to the end of the book titles and then giggle until the librarian threw you out. It might work for film titles. "Rocky 10: Under The Sheets." "Die Hard 9: Under The Sheets."
Posted by: BWeaves at May 8, 2008 9:11 AM
I'll watch anything with Joseph Gordon-Levitt in it because he's fucking amazing.
Posted by: Agent Scully at May 8, 2008 9:13 AM
I love these suggestions for sequel tags. Sadly, I don't think it's a wide enough subject for a Comment Diversion.
Atonement 2: The Final Countdown
Crash 2: The Adventure Begins
The Number 23: Back in the Habit
Yeah, I like Lake's suggestion, too.
Posted by: Jerce at May 8, 2008 9:14 AM
A friend of mine is a strong advocate for "-On The Move".
Plus, who doesn't love that movie?
I'm still wondering how they'll make "A Dame To Kill For" for the next Sin City since Dwight did not look like Clive Owen then. Put a bunch of makeup on him so he doesn't look like himself at all? I'll be very "meh" myself if Angelina Jolie does end up playing Ava Lord. She certainly doesn't quite look the part at the present anyway.
i hate to be this person, but there's a bit of a discrepancy up near the top with templar/tenplar. just sayin.
i love everyone's suggestions for sequels. saying "the quickening" kinda reminds me of fetuses, but in an ominous way.
Posted by: nona at May 8, 2008 9:22 AM
There is a land named Passive Aggressavia and I am their queen. Did I just indirectly quote from Grey's Anatomy? I did didn't I? I have to go kill myself now.
Alex, you did indeed. But that's a really good quote, and I use it myself, because I too love the passive aggressive.
Rob, Page couldn't play Thursday Next (although that series might be interesting on the big screen) because Thurs is in her early 30s at the beginning.
I'm taking my sick ass back to bed.
Posted by: Nicole at May 8, 2008 9:24 AM
Baghead actually looks reasonable, and it wasn't til after considering the idea a bit I was reminded of The Blair Witch Proj in terms of style and setting (a moderately good sign?). Hope it gets released in Australia at some point.
How about The Hottie And The Nottie: Requiem?
Posted by: ben at May 8, 2008 9:29 AM
It's a nice film. I often watch some good films at I n t i m a t e m i n g l e DOTC om. It said that there are some hot stars as Britney, Heidi. They started their film blogs there.
Posted by: peter at May 8, 2008 9:32 AM
When we first saw the the trailer to the AVP sequel...a friend of mine coined the term "AVP: The Apology". We laughed.
Nw I use that term whenever I see a sequel that tries to be better than the original.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 9:53 AM
Well, it says it's artificially lengthened "to preserve quality".
That's what she said.
Sorry. It's Thursday, and I need some "The Office" humor to make it through the day.
Posted by: Brian at May 8, 2008 9:59 AM
"Anyway, Bekmambetov won't be directing this time, just producing the script that revolves around the Knights Tenplar and their adventures as they try to stop an invading army of vampires from destroying the Holy Grail. Aside from sounding like a stupid mish-mash of everything you thought was cool in 7th grade, the story sounds pretty forgettable. And to be completely honest, I don't know a thing about the Knights Templar except a couple vague ideas forward by Umberto Eco the summer I made the poor choice to try and read Foucault's Pendulum, having momentarily forgotten that life is too wonderful to waste on books like that one."
What, you'd prefer some chic lit? Perhaps one of the self-absorbed young "stars" of "literary fiction" (I thought it was just called literature) flaunted by Oprah on her "book club?" Priloux Alexander?
In all seriousness: the Knights Templar fighting off an invading army of vampires? What the fuck? That does, very much, sound like something a 12 year old would come up with. What the hell are studios doing picking up "spec scripts" (really? Can I write some aweful fanfiction and shop it around to studios too?) like this? Unless "The Knights Templar" is some sort of hyper-intelligent comedy mash-up of genres itself satirizing genre mash-ups, I pretty much guarantee that it will suck. Hard.
No go and re-read Foucault's Pendulum. It's a better book than you remember. (Just stay away form The Island of the Day Before. Most boring piece of crap Eco, or anyone, has ever written.)
Posted by: Armando at May 8, 2008 10:02 AM
I think I like the spambots suggestion...
Zombie Strippers: Intimate Mingle Iron Man: Intimate Mingle
Has potential, no?
Posted by: Gabs at May 8, 2008 10:07 AM
Bweaves, I play a variation on that game with film titles, adding "in my pants" to the end of them. Do it at a bar one night, they get funnier as you get drunker...you know, if you're into that kind of juvenile humor. Which I totally am.
Some classics:
Antz in my pants
All the kings men in my pants
Who's that girl in my pants
And so on.
Posted by: MG at May 8, 2008 10:09 AM
I love Jane Eyre, and I'm quite fond of BBC adaptations--but another Jane adaptation? They just made one in 2006 and it was good. Ruth Wilson was wonderful, Toby Stephens was brilliant. Is this Bronte and Austin obsessed Persian girl going to have to be the one to point out to the British that there is more to their good literature than Jane and Elizabeth?
Sigh. I hope this Jane doesn't have the power to walk through walls. It will ruin a lot of the mystery.
As for Ellen Page as Thursday....way too young...I always pictured Thursday Next as a blonde, for some reason. Or maybe Maggie Gyllenhaal? Got to think about that one...Thursday is awfully close to my heart.
BTW, I wore out my old VHS of "Scanners" going back to that scene you used for that pic, Dan the man. Love it! That's how my head has felt all week!!!! Damn pollen and politicians!
Posted by: dammitjanet at May 8, 2008 10:11 AM
Intimate Mingle: Under The Sheets
Intimate Mingle: Back In The Habit
Intimate Mingle: Pig in the City
Yeah!
Posted by: BWeaves at May 8, 2008 10:12 AM
Intimate Mingle In My Pants.
Yup! That works, too.
Posted by: BWeaves at May 8, 2008 10:14 AM
Perhaps one of the self-absorbed young "stars" of "literary fiction" (I thought it was just called literature) flaunted by Oprah on her "book club?"
Does anyone ever actually look at the books on Oprah's book club? "The Road," "Beloved," "Middlesex," "Anna Karenina". I get that it would be really nice to just be able to use 'Oprah's Book Club' as some sort of synonym for crap, but it's just not.
Posted by: twig at May 8, 2008 10:19 AM
Ellen Page is Jane Eyre! In my pants!
It's kind of like "between the sheets" for fortune cookies.
does anyone have any suggestions of the best way to physically beat the sense into a sixteen year old boy?
Hmm, is this the new Mr. the Odd? Plenty of stamina, if I remember correctly. I would say catch him by surprise with a disabling blow to the knee or crotch.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 8, 2008 10:21 AM
I have always prefered the 'er' version of sequels - same as before, just more so. Even better if you go th the max 'est'. Keep in mind, the format for this is very specific. It is [Movie Name]#:[Movie Name]er/est
Spider-Man 2:Spider-Maner Saw 3:Sawest
Posted by: Brian at May 8, 2008 10:25 AM
Jane Eyre 2: Eyrer
Um, no.
Posted by: BWeaves at May 8, 2008 10:39 AM
Oh, BWeaves, that is priceless.
Posted by: twig at May 8, 2008 10:42 AM
I forgot to add: Armed & Fabulous
Posted by: be right back at May 8, 2008 10:43 AM
For me, it's not that the fiction she picks is junk, now that she's in her "Classics" mode (the non-fiction gets all wonky, and the old fiction picks were probably fair game for derision), but I find it hilarious that she magically transforms everything into fun reads. Women were reading "Anna Karenina" by the pool a few summers ago. Remember enjoying Anita Shreve? Here's John Steinbeck!
In my first stint at Borders, as a second job at night for a few months in fall 99, I came in and heard the words "it was on Oprah today" explaining some hubbub. I thought "yeah? so?"
My preference for sequels has always been "The Revenge, as in:
Vatican II: The Revenge
As for Jane Eyre, I completely agree it's the most over-film-adapted book of all times and a completely inconsistent story with an illogical conclusion. Where are all the people who hate Wuthering Heights so much now (at least WH has some passion in it). I can only assume that it will be an "interpretation" sort of like the Keira Knightley version of P&P designed to appeal to people who want to think that Jane was really supposed to be quite pretty and Rochester wasn't a controlling, lying asshole in desperate need fo anger management.
Alex The Odd:
There is no way to beat sense into a 16-year old boy. Sixteen year old males are not human beings. They are bi-pedal hormones. You just give them some porn, some clean towels and a video game and wait for them to turn 18.
As for the Thursday Next books. If Hollywood DARES to touch those books and poison them with their evil, the wrath of PaddyDog will rain down on all from on high. You have been warned.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 8, 2008 10:57 AM
Ellen Page as Jane Eyre, huh? I don't buy it. I can only think of the Family Guy cutaway of Winona Ryder in The Age of Innocence. I don't think that would be most good.
I didn't laugh once at the Baghead trailer, though I'm still tempted to see it because the paranoid actors premise is a nice little character-type twist on the slasher genre. Especially when they show (I apologize if I should know any of the actors in the trailer by name) the fat guy, the not fat guy, girl one, and girl two all wearing the bag on their head (that looks nothing like the sack the actual killer...if there is a killer (calling the twist right now people: not fat guy hid cameras around the cabin and property to film an improvised horror film in documentary style but pushes fat guy too far) wears). If nothing else, the quality of performances already seems better than the so bad it's not very good at all Hatchet.
Sixteen year old males are not human beings. They are bi-pedal hormones. You just give them some porn, some clean towels and a video game and wait for them to turn 18.
Awww....it's true....
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 11:01 AM
Vatican II: The Revenge
My refresh opened with this as the last visible line, and I knew: Paddy.
I loves me some Jane Eyre, though, especially the Charlotte Gainsbourg version.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 8, 2008 11:03 AM
>
That Tolstoy has it coming, Twig, and you know it.
Posted by: Armando at May 8, 2008 11:07 AM
In fairness Socalled:
Wouldn't you love anything Charlotte Gainsbourg is in? She's not as hot as her mummy, but then who is?
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 8, 2008 11:09 AM
Jay (or should I say the Cardigan Menace?) is right about the Oprah effect. A neighbour of mine saw a copy of Middlesex in my bag shortly after it came out, picked it up and read the back cover and said "ugh! why do you read such weird stuff?" When Oprah put it in her club, she was over knocking on the door to borrow my copy.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 8, 2008 11:20 AM
The Fastestest and The Furiousest: Really Fucking Fast, and Hoo-boy Is This Sumbitch Furious- I Mean, Damn Is That Shit Fast and Furious or What?"
TK, I am crying right now...thank you for that.
Posted by: Nora Borealis at May 8, 2008 11:37 AM
Terms Of Endearment 2: Dancin' On The Razor's Edge
Passion Of The Christ 2: Dancin' On The Razor's Edge
Sweeny Todd: Dancin' On The Razor's Edge
Yeah, they're lame... I need coffee.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 8, 2008 11:40 AM
I dunno....Sweeny Todd: Danicin' On The Razor's Edge kinda works....
Posted by: Bethy at May 8, 2008 11:42 AM
Sweeny Todd: Danicin' On The Razor's Edge and Back In The Habit!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 11:51 AM
Rob, Jasper Fforde's book is "The Eyre Affair," not "The Jane Eyre Affair." But I agree that Ellen "One Trick Pony" Page would be an awful Thursday Next.
Posted by: Stickler at May 8, 2008 11:51 AM
TNext is too plain for Hollywood. They wouldn't be able to cast a regular-looking actress (brown hair in a ponytail, wears trousers, no makeup) because that's anathema. They'd probably give the role to ScarHo. And turn the multi-colored Speedster into a black Navigator or some shit. And get all crazy CGI with the dodos and Cat and the Minotaur (because we are talking sequels here). The Goliath guys would be clones from the Matrix, Matrixer, and Matrixest.
Can you tell that I'm a fan of this series?
Posted by: Nicole at May 8, 2008 11:54 AM
Totally agree that life is too short to waste on Foucault's Pendulum, and I wisely decided to give it up quickly. Stupidly, I later wasted too much life on Baudolino, which starts off entertainingly enough. Then it casually drifts off into Still Willing to Suspend Disbelief territory and ends up squarely in Now He's Just Fucking With Me Land.
There's a middle ground between The Shopaholic Series and books written by people who are playing some sort of erudite practical joke on their readers.
Posted by: Wednesday at May 8, 2008 11:57 AM
Nicole:
The only concession I would make to even thinking they might adapt The Fforde books would be that casting anyone other than Maggie Smith as Miss Havisham would be an outrage of impossible proportions.
(Note to non-Fforde readers: before you rush in to post that the Havisham character isn't in Jane Eyre, read the books)
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 8, 2008 12:03 PM
Hmm, is this the new Mr. the Odd
Ew, ew, ew, ew, EWWWWW!! Damn, socalled, I know you qualify for your bus pass but I am not that young. I draw the line at boys that aren't old enough to buy me beer. I'm sorry, it just isn't a relationship if they aren't legally able to ply me with alcohol.
Good suggestion PaddyDog except I think his choice of viewing material might be part of the problem. Stupid, ungrateful, attention seeking, pathalogically lying, drama queen, vicious, unhinged brat. I will personally be installing parental controls on my parents' computer the next time I'm home - just to fuck with him.
I like the eight ball suggestion LIVE (how the hell does one shorten your name by the way?), handy with a decent weight to it and I could get some spiffy future predictions at the same time: Will the cops find the body? Outlook does not look good.
As far as sequel additions go I tend to use "The Xening" eg. Sister Act 2: The Nunnening, Babe 2: The Piggening, Dead or Alive 2: The Jiggle Physicsening. It can be a little clunky at times but it gets the point across.
Does anyone ever actually look at the books on Oprah's book club? "The Road," "Beloved," "Middlesex," "Anna Karenina". I get that it would be really nice to just be able to use 'Oprah's Book Club' as some sort of synonym for crap, but it's just not.
True, it really isn't. For as much as I hate the idea of someone reading a novel just because a media behemoth says so, I can't disapprove of her book club. Many of the novels she has chosen have been pretty great (She's Come Undone notwithstanding), and she gets women who may not be inclined to pick up a novel to do so. I have to respect a woman who makes Toni Morrison or Jeffrey Eugenides more of a household name.
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 12:07 PM
As much as I agree about Mind of Mencia, Comedy Central has an eternal free pass from me for bringing the glory that is South Park.
Posted by: Joe at May 8, 2008 12:28 PM
I have to agree with Julie for this one
I thought for a minute after I read her comment that the good impact was lessened by the fact that the (usually) women are only reading these books to seem "intelligent" or whatnot, but then I realized that for every one of those type, there are 10 or 15 who genuinly enjoy the books for what they are, not because they are celebrity-endorsed
so go Orpah!
Posted by: Bethy at May 8, 2008 12:30 PM
Totally Bethy. And even if they're reading the books because they are celebrity endorsed, well...they're still READING. Which is awesome. And they're reading fucking Garcia Marquez and Kingsolver and McCarthy, not the 700th installation of Danielle Steele's tripe like Diamonds are Forever and so is this Restraining Order. Which, don't get me wrong, I read some fluff too. But the branching out puts me in an orgy of literary geekitude.
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 12:40 PM
It always freaks me out when killers wear burlap bags over their heads in movies. The Town that Dreaded Sundown, Friday the 13th Part 2, and that terrifying trailer that was before Iron Man with Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler. I guess I could say Scarecrow in Batman Begins, too, but we all knew Cillian Murphy was under there, anyway. It just looks scarier than any stupid Halloween mask (or hockey mask...) for some reason. Now I'm going to be imagining people in my backyard with bags on their heads. Hell.
Posted by: Lannie at May 8, 2008 12:41 PM
The Untouchables theme is sexy as hell; it makes the Spirit look at least 5 times better than it'll end up being.
"Back in the Habit" cracks me up. For the flaming piles of shit with no shot at redemption, I prefer "A New Dawn." It fills one with hope for a fresh start.
Batman and Robin: A New Dawn
Santa with Muscles: A New Dawn
For those movies with names, it's also possible to go with:
How Jane Eyre Got Her Groove Back
How Gigli Got His Groove Back
Posted by: Mick J at May 8, 2008 12:44 PM
Me being me, I think I should be giving a unicorn's horn for The Spirit, but I'm actually not giving it a rat's ass. Miller hasn't written anything remotely acceptable since the first Sin City graphic novels (especially that All-Star Batman thing, which is just offensive). In the movie, he barely had to adapt them, so it doesn't count.
He has been being excessively too overdramatic as of lately, and this Sin City style he's just imprinted on The Spirit will sure make Will Eisner (his wit, his subtlety, his unpretentiousness and his delicate humor) come back from Valhalla. Which can actually be a good thing, I don't know...
Darwyn Cooke rules, though.
Posted by: gargumma at May 8, 2008 12:47 PM
and when we have read all the books before they are on "The List" Julie, we are so much cooler
(not that we need help or anything.....ahem)
Posted by: Bethy at May 8, 2008 12:58 PM
This might have absolutely nothing to do with anything that anybody cares about, but recently I've been putting a lot of thought into those old Elvira movies and why they ever existed and I got to thinking that they should make a new Elvira movie. What a zany idea, huh? Only when I went on the old imdb to investigate when the last Elvira movie had been made and whether the Elvira lady was even still alive, I discovered that they have been pretty steadily churning out Elvira films - the most recent ("Her Morbid Desires") was released in January 2008. Also, there was a reality competition, The Search for the Next Elvira, that ran for four episodes in 2007. I only wish they had found a new one for the new movie because that lady has got to be so old that she must look pretty convincingly dead, which maybe brings the film to a whole new level. What the fudge, though? What is with Elvira?
Posted by: Lobstersurprise at May 8, 2008 1:03 PM
It's time to stop using "Electric Boogaloo" as your punchline for fake sequels
I sadly came to this conclusion too when it was used as a joke on How I Met Your Mother this week. I've been having way too many of my favorite things ruined by the masses lately, so I wasn't happy to see this.
Posted by: katy at May 8, 2008 1:07 PM
MG, I absolutely LOVE the "in my pants" suffix game. Instant classic!
The Untouchables In My Pants.
A New Dawn In My Pants.
How [Whoever] Got [His/Her] Groove Back In My Pants
Batman Begins In My Pants
Posted by: Paris at May 8, 2008 1:07 PM
I'm sure I wouldn't like Jerry McGuire In My Pants, tho...
Posted by: gargumma at May 8, 2008 1:18 PM
Julie: I hate to correct you, but it's "Danielle Steele's Diamonds are Forever and so is this Restraining Order In My Pants" tripe.
Yup, I think the "In My Pants" game beats the "Under The Sheets" game by a schlong.
Posted by: BWeaves at May 8, 2008 1:31 PM
Absolutely BWeaves...the In My Pants is now an essential addition to any movie or book title. Now if you excuse me, I have to finish reading Into the Wild in My Pants.
Wow, that is a great euphemism for crotchal bushiness.
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 1:38 PM
don't finish reading it Julie!!
that book suuuuuuuuucked!
had to read it before my first year of college for the honors group I was in
yup
hadn't even started college and I had required reading...
and I had to write an essay on it!!
bastards
Posted by: Bethy at May 8, 2008 1:51 PM
I agree with you about The Spirit, gargumma (sorry, don't know how to make it bold...stupid html). Especially after Frank Miller made such a big fucking fuss (a reasonable fuss, but still, a fuss) about his books being adapted the RIGHT way, he's going to turn around and mess with Will Eisner's subtle, humanly oriented style. Man that was a long sentence. Sorry.
Eisner wrote the Spirit to talk about everything. He was not a vigilante, per se, but more of a mcguffin for the stories Eisner really wanted to tell.
Still, we'll see.
Posted by: ali's balloon at May 8, 2008 2:04 PM
Dammit, always late for the party!
Wow, that is a great euphemism for crotchal bushiness.
You would know. Still let me see if I can top that:
K-19: The Widowmaker In My Pants
The Hunt for Red October In My Pants
The Wild Bunch In My Pants
Big Eyes, Small Mouth In My Pants (yes it is a real book)
Awesome-O. But somewhat contradicted by 8MM. You're a grower, not a shower?
Quantum of Solace in My Pants sort of sounds like a euphemism for masturbation.
Did someone already say Iron Man in My Pants? Because I'm totally feeling that.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 8, 2008 2:15 PM
The only concession I would make to even thinking they might adapt The Fforde books would be that casting anyone other than Maggie Smith as Miss Havisham would be an outrage of impossible proportions.
Paddy, that would be a given.
What about the classics?
Gone with the Wind In My Pants
From Here to Eternity In My Pants
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof In My Pants
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane In My Pants?
Posted by: Nicole at May 8, 2008 2:19 PM
Vermillion: ha!
What Dreams May Come in My Pants
The Mist in My Pants
The Brain that Wouldn't Die in My Pants
Spaceballs in My Pants
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 2:21 PM
Somehow I knew the Pajibans would enjoy the In My Pants game. I gotta tell you though, I killed one game once by saying
There Will be Blood...in my pants.
Crickets chirped. It was awful.
Posted by: MG at May 8, 2008 2:28 PM
I killed one game once by saying
There Will be Blood...in my pants.
Crickets chirped. It was awful.
AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Those people are dumbasses, that made me laugh SO HARD.
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 2:31 PM
The Big Lebowski In My Pants
Harold & Kumar go to White Castle In My Pants
and, for the oldies-but-goodies: It Happens Every Spring In My Pants
Posted by: thejodester at May 8, 2008 2:34 PM
The only way I can envision TNext books as movies is if Kate Winslet plays Thursday.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 8, 2008 2:35 PM
Introducing The Master of Horror Collection
The Shining in My Pants
The Long Walk in My Pants
The Running Man in My Pants
Stand By Me in My Pants
The Mangler in My Pants
Carrie in My Pants
The Dark Tower in My Pants
Desperation in My Pants
Misery in My Pants
It in My Pants
Silver Bullet in My Pants
(...Uh, is it wrong that I own several adult films sharing many of same names as above? Mainly "Desperation in My Pants"...)
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 8, 2008 2:37 PM
Ooh! Ooh!
Failure to Launch in My Pants
Sideways in My Pants
Good Night and Good Luck...in My Pants
An Inconvenient Truth in My Pants
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 2:37 PM
A few more:
O Brother, Where Art Thou In My Pants?
Masters of the Universe In My Pants
Hot Rod In My Pants (groan..)
The Rocketeer In My Pants
Powder In My Pants (ouch)
Five-Minute Mysteries In My Pants
The Brown Bunny In My Pants (this is going wrong...)
Outbreak In My Pants
Little Shop Of Horrors In My Pants
The Sword and the Stone In My Pants (starring Lance Armstrong)
To be more pertinent to what everybody is talking about while still maintaining my obsessed confusion with the Elvira movies :
Elvira Naked in My Pants
Last of the Great Survivors in My Pants
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark in My Pants
Encounter in the Third Dimension in My Pants
Elvira's Haunted Hills in My Pants
Her Morbid Desires in My Pants
Oh, Elvira . . .
Posted by: Lobstersurprise at May 8, 2008 2:38 PM
The Hottie and the Nottie In My Pants (...too easy...)
Another 48 Hours In My Pants (starring Sting?)
Robin Hood: Men In Tights In My Pants
Whee, I like this game!
Posted by: MO at May 8, 2008 2:40 PM
Hmmm...what about disney movies?
Enchanted...In My Pants
Something Wicked This Way Comes...In My Pants
Pete's Dragon...In My Pants
Dragonslayer...In My Pants
Herbie Goes Bananas...In My Pants
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 2:47 PM
A Mighty Wind in my pants
Critters in my pants
Tremors in my pants
Dude, where's my car? In my pants
Anaconda in my pants (yeah I know that one's obvious)
Posted by: MG at May 8, 2008 2:49 PM
National Treasure In My Pants
Meet The Robinsons In My Pants
The Greatest Game Ever Played In My Pants
Invincible In My Pants
Freaky Friday In My Pants
Around the World in 80 Days In My Pants
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 2:53 PM
I hope they make a sequel to Teeth:
"Teeth 2: Vagina Dentata, the Mangler in My Pants"
And just for old times: "Teeth 2: Vagina Dentata, the Mangler in My Pants Electric Boogaloo"
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 8, 2008 2:53 PM
The Greatest Game Ever Played In My Pants
...would be SCRABBLE!
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 2:58 PM
Hehehe...that was my first thought too...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 3:00 PM
Hide and Seek in My Pants
Goonies in My Pants (oh the blasphemy)
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 3:06 PM
The Dark Tower in My Pants
Failure to Launch in My Pants
Outbreak In My Pants
Herbie Goes Bananas In My Pants
The Greatest Game Ever Played In My Pants
You people are about to give me a stroke over here.
All I can think to add is:
No Country for Old Men In My Pants: A New Beginning
Posted by: Jerce at May 8, 2008 3:25 PM
Paddy,
Nice work. I've always preferred "The Revenge," too.
That being said, if a book I am reading has that damn O shield on it, I just cover it with a band sticker from the corner record store.
/I'm so cool, you see.
It's been a while since I last woke up the dog by laughing this hard.
Well, classics, modern classics, shitty and whatevers in line:
The birth of a nation in my pants
Gremlins in my pants
The others in my pants
21 grams in my pants
High fidelity... in my pants!
Unbreakable in my pants
Road to perdition... guess where?
Posted by: gargumma at May 8, 2008 4:33 PM
Forrest Gump In My Pants
Runaway Bride In My Pants
An Officer and A Gentleman In My Pants
Ghost In My Pants
Ferris Bueller's Day Off In My Pants
Stranger Than Fiction In My Pants
Best. Game. Ever.
Posted by: Nicole at May 8, 2008 4:43 PM
revolves around the Knights Tenplar and their adventures as they try to stop an invading army of vampires from destroying the Holy Grail. Aside from sounding like a stupid mish-mash of everything you thought was cool in 7th grade, the story sounds pretty forgettable.
hahahahaha, but seriously this sounds like a sci fi channel saturday night movie feature.
Posted by: Teresa at May 8, 2008 4:45 PM
SciFi Channel edition!
Mansquito in My Pants
Ice Spiders in My Pants
Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep in My Pants
Bone Eater in My Pants
Magma in My Pants
Rock Monster in My Pants
Ok, I think I'm done now.
Posted by: Julie at May 8, 2008 4:52 PM
The Descent in my pants
Sometimes They Come Back Again in my pants
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things in my pants
Night Breed in my pants
The Fog in my pants
The Blob in my pants
Posted by: MG at May 8, 2008 4:55 PM
28 Days In My Pants
Sounds like my dream vacation..
Hey-OH!!!
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 8, 2008 4:59 PM
PaddyDog -I agree with you whole heartedly about Jane Eyre. It's a decent read, but completely ridiculous. Putting it on film only brings out the ridiculousness, especially in a condensed version, which this new one will no doubt be. It's not even that romantic. Just creepy. Really creepy.
Thank you. There have been many times over the years when I have longed for a Kelsy to back me up on this. I'm not a Vic lit hater: I'm all about Dickens and Gaskell and I have defended Wuthering Heights on this site many times, but Jane Eyre is just preposterous, and yes, creepy.
Posted by: PaddyDog at May 8, 2008 5:39 PM
Oh, COME ON!! Foucalt's Pendulum was AWESOME.
Posted by: Pen Dragon at May 8, 2008 6:19 PM
For TV Shows:
How I Met Your Mother In My Pants
Melrose Place In My Pants
Sportcenter In My Pants
The Simple Life In My Pants
The Amazing Race In My Pants
The Tonight Show In My Pants
The Late Late Show In My Pants
Painkiller Jane In My Pants
The Bold & The Beautiful In My Pants
The Price is Right In My Pants
Posted by: Brian at May 8, 2008 6:37 PM
The sequel to Teeth would be Teeth 2: Teethier
Posted by: Brian at May 8, 2008 6:41 PM
Golden Era edition:
North by Northwest in My Pants (instructional)
It's a Wonderful Life in My Pants (pickup lines)
Cool Hand Luke in My Pants (euphemism)
Gone with the Wind in My Pants (excuse me)
12 Angry Men in My Pants (Julie edition)
The Third Man in My Pants (if 12 is too many)
Touch of Evil in My Pants (Bwa-hah-hahhhhh)
It Happened One Night in My Pants (nostalgic)
Brief Encounter in My Pants (apologetic)
Shadow of a Doubt in My Pants (happens to everyone now and then)
The Grapes of Wrath in My Pants (cancer movie)
The African Queen in My Pants (adventure!)
Bride of Frankenstein in My Pants (vodka blackout)
Rope in My Pants (fetish)
In the Heat of the Night in My Pants (duh)
Raging Bull in My Pants (braggart)
King Kong in My Pants (ditto)
Westerns edition:
Unforgiven in My Pants (bad boy!)
The Searchers in My Pants (they're curious; north by northwest, fellas)
Red River in My Pants (strap-on clinic)
Once Upon a Time in Mexico in My Pants (lost weekend)
The Proposition in My Pants (things you can tell just by looking at him)
Quigley Down Under in My Pants (get out of there Selleck)
Hombre in My Pants (repetitive)
She Wore a Yellow Ribbon in My Pants (Former Marine edition)
True Grit in My Pants (ouch)
Disco edition:
The Wiz in My Pants (?)
Thank God It's Friday in My Pants (wait for it)
Saturday Night Fever in My Pants (penicillin if lasts longer)
Staying Alive in My Pants (four-hour erection)
Flashdance in My Pants (rhymes)
Xanadu in My Pants (get out of here Tom Cruise)
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 8, 2008 7:03 PM
I agree that the "Electric Boogaloo" joke has been driven to the ground, but instead of "the Quickening" fake sequels should just have a lot of number 2s thrown at random. Observe:
The Last Waltz In My Pants
Rattle and Hum In My Pants
Shine a Light In My Pants
I'm Not There In My Pants
Gimme Shelter In My Pants
Head In My Pants
Magical Mystery Tour In My Pants
Help! In My Pants
Walk Hard In My Pants
Yellow Submarine In My Pants
Cocksuckers In My Pants
A Hard Day's Night In My Pants (yes!)
Brick in my pants
Bottle rocket in my pants
Straight to hell in my pants
Glen or Glenda in my pants
Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets in my pants
Star Trek VI: the undiscovered country in my pants
A new hope in my pants
Jersey girl in my pants
The phantom menace in my pants
The big red one in my pants
Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at May 9, 2008 4:47 AM
Oh, Jay, NO. YOU DID NOT GO THERE.
Do not bring Doctor Who into this. The only way that is going to happen is if we are specifically referring to the Tenth Doctor IN MY PANTS, literally.
I love you, David! Call me! *sigh*
Posted by: Nicole at May 9, 2008 10:56 AM
Hee! I like this game.
Batman Begins in My Pants
Big in My Pants
Speed in My Pants
All the King's Men in My Pants
Much Ado About Nothing in My Pants
The Seeker: The Dark is Rising in My Pants
Kiss Me Kate, in My Pants
The Forbidden Kingdom in My Pants
K19: The Widowmaker in My Pants
Joe Verses the Volcano in My Pants
The Incredible Hulk in My Pants
Charlie Wilson's War in My Pants
Big Fish in My Pants
Personal faves:
Hot Fuzz in My Pants
Things We Lost in the Fire in My Pants
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead in My Pants
What's with the nine minute length of The Spirit trailer when the actual trailer-y bit is 1:30?
Looks fun though.