January 1, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | January 1, 2007 |


Item #1: It wasn’t bad enough that the Meet the Parents follow-up, Meet the Fockers, was so uvula-ticklingly insufferable that it made our list of the 10 Worst Blockbusters of All Time, now it appears we’re looking at a third goddamn Parents flick: Meet the Little Focker. Nothing is known about the specifics, other than that Teri Polo has been re-signed to play Stiller’s wife — and really, what else does she have to do? Another Playboy spread? Is that Barry Bostwick television film holding her back? Or her guest stint on “Numb3rs?” Whatever. I can’t wait. It’s great to see De Niro and Hoffman humiliate themselves for money they don’t have enough years left in them to spend, Ben Stiller self-immolate for the enjoyment of families with the collective IQ of severed (focking) head, and of course, 9,872 more jokes about the Focker surname. And you know what? Why stop with Meet the Little Focker? Let’s just go ahead and start production on the next sequel, Meet the Mother Focker and the fifth, Shut the Fock Up, Already, on up to the final installment, Meet the Old Fockers, which will feature Stiller inadvertently bathing in his own bedpan and flinging his feces at nursing home workers while Owen Wilson traipses around in his lone scene and says something so kick-in-the-sternum unfunny that the rest of us laid up in hospital beds will just pull the fucking plug already. — Dustin Rowles

Item #2: I remember sitting down to watch the DVD of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle with a certain amount of resignation and lowered expectations, which is always the way to approach boob-filled stoner comedies; at least when you go in fearing the worst, you might wind up pleasantly surprised. The movie had been recommended to me with reservations, and the whole thing felt like a blind date: I was ready to cut the evening short. But chalk it up to the mindless charms of Kal Penn and The Dude Who Said MILF in American Pie, or maybe just the joy of seeing now-outed Neil Patrick Harris snort coke off a stripper’s ass, but I had a good time. A stupid, predictable, but not unpleasant time. So I wasn’t too surprised when it was announced this week that Penn, The Guy Who Looks a Little Like Rufio, and a host of returning characters are reuniting for a sequel to the 2004 film, which will see Harold and Kumar span the globe in another quest for true love, smooth bud, and tiny burgers. It probably won’t be a great film, and I doubt any of us will see it, but as long as NPH is
involved, it can’t be that bad. It might even be legendary. — Daniel Carlson

Item #3: For those who haven’t seen The Departed yet, this entry contains spoilers: For the first time in his career, Martin Scorsese is considering directing a sequel, this time to his biggest box-office hit to date, The Departed, in which he’d bring back one of the very few surviving characters, Mark Wahlberg’s Dignam. A sequel would also potentially introduce a character played by Robert De Niro, though a prequel hasn’t been ruled out, either. I’m certainly not against either a sequel or a prequel (the original Infernal Affairs had both — can anyone attest to their quality?) and in a film with amazing performances, Wahlberg’s was my favorite of the bunch — it was kind of throat grabbing, really. And honestly, a Scorsese film, presumably filmed in Boston, written by The Departed’s screenwriter? Call me a half-glass-full kind of guy, but it couldn’t be that bad, could it? Still, given the extremely high body count in the original, I would have to suggest they call this one: The Departed 2: Seriously, We’re All Dead. — DR

Item #4: Man, I can’t get away from American Pie this week: First MILF Man inks a sequel, now Stifler gets a deal. Seann William Scott, who will never outlive the career-defining role that launched him to “stardom,” has signed on for Big Brothers, in which he and Paul Rudd play “two deviously wild beer-company reps.” At least, that’s the logline being pushed by Universal Pictures, so you know it’s gotta be true. Rudd and Stifler do something wacky and as punishment have to become mentors in the Big Brother program, where one only assumes that more wackiness will soon make itself known. In what can’t be a good sign for things to come, the film was originally envisioned as a drama, then converted into an R-rated comedy by the filmmakers. At the helm is Luke Greenfield, who also directed Rob Schneider’s opus The Animal, as well as the superficially titillating but deeply unsettling The Girl Next Door. If Greenfield backs off and lets Rudd do his thing and bring the same comedy that fueled Wet Hot American Summer and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, there just might be hope. But I’ve got a sinking feeling this one’s gonna be nothing but Stifler getting kicked in the nuts for 90 minutes. … Then again, that doesn’t sound too bad, either. — DC

Item #5: NBC is bringing us yet another cop drama, this time from the executive producer of “House.” The untitled pilot will feature Famke Janssen as a cop who will, one guesses, solve crimes while looking sexy and making snide comments. No word yet on whether her character will also turn out to be a tranny and/or the world’s most powerful mutant. But if you’re not into shows about cops, fear not, for there’s always one of the other reliable sources of TV crap — lawyers! With his terrible therapy-related sitcom going the way of the dodo, Ted Danson is now free to move on over to FX. He’ll star, along with Glenn Close and Tate Donovan, in an as-yet untitled drama about a class-action lawsuit brought against some corporation for, perhaps, not hiring enough trannies or powerful mutants. Now, to find out if either of these are shows you might be interested in, maybe you should watch Fox next month so you can figure out the answer to its new Thursday night quiz show — “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” If it turns out you are, congrats. But if not, fear not! You can head right on over to Nick at Nite and waste your hours away by watching the Seaver clan, including a pre-religious-zealot Kirk Cameron, as “Growing Pains” kicks off a new syndicated run. The perfect show for the pre-5th grade mindset. And while the show is sorely lacking in the tranny and powerful mutants department, the word is still out on Alan Thicke. — Seth Freilich

Item #6: The box office brings depressing news this week, which a few of our commenters have already grieved over: Epic Movie, front-runner for the year’s worst film, debuted at number one over the weekend, amassing a staggering $18.5 million. There is no legitimate explanation for it, except that there are entirely too many fucktards in this country with disposable income. The only solution I can muster for this societal ill would be to raise taxes, but then there would be no one left to buy “Shirt” shirts (now in Kelly Green!). Smokin’ Aces ($14.5 million) opened at number two, while Catch and Release ($7.5 million) debuted at number five, making it a pretty decent weekend for Violent Anne. Finally, all the dolts apparently wasted all their money on Epic Movie and didn’t leave enough to buy tickets to Blood and Chocolate, which opened with a meager a $2.5 million.

Super Bowl weekend brings only two new wide releases, the counter-programming chick flick, Because I Said So, about an overprotective mother (Diane Keaton) trying to set her daughter (Mandy Moore) up with the right man, and The Messengers which is another J-Horroresque flick about … well, I actually don’t know a thing about it. But Dylan McDermott is in it. And John Corbett. And Penelope Ann Miller. Take from that what you will. Me, I’m just going to stay home with my nachos and pray that Peyton hasn’t strung me along for five months just so he can pull a McNabb in the Super Bowl. A little advice, Manning: Lay off the Chunky soup before kick off.

A final note: Starting next week, the trade round-up is going daily, so that we can bring you all of the latest Neve Campbell casting news on a more frequent basis because, honestly, there’s no way to keep up with that girl’s career otherwise. — DR

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Trade News | January 1, 2007 | Comments ()



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