May 11, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | May 11, 2007 |


If Robert Rodriguez were to direct his own wound-licking ceremony, his wounds would be oozy blood-filled pustules that exploded on contact, raining mucous gore over an entire 10-foot radius (Bruce Willis would cameo). And I suspect he’s doing a lot of wound-licking these days, after his critical and fanboy success, Planet Terror, failed to materialize at the box office, basically disappearing, along with his adventurousness, after a tepid open weekend. And like many talented, accomplished directors of Rodriguez’s stature, he’s decided to turn away from quality cinematic fare and direct a sure thing — as in, it’s sure to suck, but even more sure to make scads of money. And what better way to accomplish that than to direct 1) a Will Ferrell film that is 2) based on a once-popular television show that no one under 30 has probably ever heard of. I speak, of course, of “Land of the Lost,” a crappy Saturday-morning show that featured dinosaurs, Pakuni, and Sleestak, created on a weekly budget of a whopping $1.49 — or $4, adjusted for inflation. I only have the vaguest memory of the show, but even as a toddler I knew it blew unless you were really, really stoned. I’m sure, though, that Will Ferrell and dinosaurs are a can’t-lose proposition, if you enjoy watching Frank the Tank booze it up with the Pukuni.

Not that Rodriguez doesn’t have his options — he’s currently weighing whether to take on “Land of the Lost,” or jump ahead to the future and tackle a live-action version of “The Jetsons.” Brilliant! I love to see talented directors squander their talent on absolute bullshit projects — maybe Rodriguez can take down a few talented actors with him. Clooney — you up for playing George Jetson? Maybe we can get Helen Mirren in on this as well. Natalie Portman — you got Judy written all over you. And make damn sure you give us a CGI-manufactured dog that drools on itself and licks its own ass repeatedly. Jesus Christ — I’m going to go lick my wounds now.

In today’s absolutely ridiculous rumor department, there is speculation that Legendary Pictures is developing a big-screen adaptation of He-Man and that Brad Pitt is up for the role. According to The Sun, if Pitt turns down the part, Gerard Butler is the next choice to play the master of the universe. Oh, whatever — I’m annoyed with these rumors and know full well that repeating them only adds legitimacy. That’s why I want to create my own rumor and spread it through the blogosphere, just to see if it’ll take. How about this Pajiba Exclusive: Zach Snyder (300) is in negotiations with Warner Brothers pictures to direct a big-screen version “The Great Space Coaster.” Charlie Kaufman (Adaptation, Being John Malkovich) is currently working on the script, which will follow the Great Space Coaster into the bowels of hell, where the gang will have to contend with Satan himself. Matt Damon is currently in talks to take the role of Satan, while Robin Williams will play Baxter, the puppet clown, pairing the two for the first time since Good Will Hunting. Christopher Walken will make a cameo as Gary Gnu (“Goony goo goo loony coo-coo like Gary Gnu”), while the Pussycat Dolls are also working to update the theme song (“Rowing toward the other side, where only rainbows hide.”) You heard it here first — now tell all your friends.

[Hey boys and girls — TV Whore here. Sorry to interrupt Dustin’s movie talk, but this is great TV news that can’t wait until my round-up next week. Ahead of next week’s upfronts, it has been confirmed that “Friday Night Lights” is being renewed for a full 22-episode sophomore run! Huzzah, I say. We’ll find out next week where, exactly, it’ll land on NBC’s fall schedule, but all that matters for now is that clear eyes and full hearts truly can’t lose. Dillon Panthers football is coming back, bitches!]

I barely have the energy left to mention last weekend’s box office — Spider-Man 3 made somewhere in the neighborhood of a $3 bajillion — in fact, it made so much money the other releases, including Lucky You, actually made negative money. Eric Bana just had to hock his house to make up the difference.

This weekend, I’m guessing Spider-Man 3 will continue to hold down the top spot, as four other movies attempt to reach positive figures. The only one of real interest here, I imagine, is 28 Weeks Later, though without Danny Boyle’s direction, I’m skeptical. Otherwise, Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman star in Georgia Rule and Larry the Fucking Cable Guy gets another shot at bringing down Western civilization with Delta Farce. Agent Bedhead will be reviewing it (Happy Mother’s Day?), if you’d like to send her get-well cards. The other wide release is The Ex, which we’ve already reviewed.

Finally, in the trailer watch — Rescue Dawn is Warner Herzog’s 54th film (!), and it stars number two on our Sexiest Celebrities list, Christian Bale. The film is a true story about a U.S. fighter pilot’s “epic struggle of survival after being shot down on a mission over Laos during the Vietnam War.” Bale will play the Vietnam War — yes, he will inhabit the role of an entire war. He’s just that good, people. Steve Zahn co-stars, which seems like an odd choice — but, from the trailer at least, he seems to pull it off.

Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.


Comments

Brad Pitt as HE-MAN! MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE???????


BWAAAAAAHHHHH HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: nexus 6 at May 11, 2007 10:21 AM

Gross. I hated “The Jetsons,” and as I am under 30, I have no idea what “Land of the Lost” is. Also, I live in the middle of Illinois, which means I have to wait months to see anything decent after it premiers in more civilized climes.

I’m so sorry, Agent Bedhead. Delta Farce looks like the worst movie ever made.

I really hope 28 Weeks Later is at least decent. I love Robert Carlyle, so it can’t be all bad.

Posted by: Jen at May 11, 2007 10:25 AM

Man the Jetsons were my favs after Flintsones.

Who’s gonna play Betty though?

Posted by: Jean at May 11, 2007 10:39 AM

I’m just amused that Ferrel is doing a Land of the Lost film, given that his character in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was specifically named after that show.

Posted by: WestCoastPat at May 11, 2007 10:41 AM

Dustin: Pajiba Pajamas! Pajiba Pajamas! Please please please, Pajiba Pajamas at onehorseshy!

Since you mentioned “Georgia Rule”: Jane Fonda’s appearance on Colbert Wednesday was absolutely fucking brilliant. If you haven’t seen it yet, find a repeat and watch it. She and Colbert brought the sexy, baby.

I’m sure this was covered in a prior Round-Up, but has anyone else stumbled on the trailer for “Blonde Ambition” with Luke Wilson and Jessica Simpson? Oh. My. God. Oh, Luke, how could you? From “Bottle Rocket,” “Old School,” and “Idiocracy” — to this steaming trail of diarrhea?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 11, 2007 10:52 AM

Daniel Whitney (Larry) gives me pains in places I didn’t even know I had. He’s got another turd coming up too, Witless Protection. ::immolates::

Posted by: The Stew at May 11, 2007 10:56 AM

Robert Rodriguez tried to bring some quality entertainment to our lives but YOU chose Norbit instead. So, NOW eat it, the man’s gotta eat.

The definitive live action He-Man has already been carved into history my friends and that’s Dolph Lundgren, Mr. Jolie need not bother.

Natalie Portman as Judy Jetson, sorry not seeing it dawg, she lacks the vapidity and the chest to pull that off. It would’ve been perfect for Tara Reid circa The Big Lebowski.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2007 10:59 AM

The Jane Fonda-Colbert interview is up at bestweekever.com.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 11, 2007 11:06 AM

What do you mean anyone under 30 hasn’t heard of Land of the Lost? I’m 21, and not only have I seen some of the (horrid) 70’s LotL, I grew up watching the TV remake of the show. Nickelodeon made a craptastic version of the show that lasted for about 2 years.

Why the hell people keep making remake movies of horrible movies/TV shows is beyond me. The initial concepts sucked. Don’t think they’re getting any better with time.

Posted by: Apricots at May 11, 2007 11:06 AM

Steve Martin: George Jetson
Diane Keaton (too old?): Jane, his wife
Lindsey Lohan: Daughter Judy
Maculey Culkin (via timemachine): His boy Elroy
Creepy CGI mock-up: Astro

Wallace Shawn: Mr. Sprocket

Add Robert Rodriguez and written by, let’s say…Paul Haggis.

And there you have, a recipe for a great big steaming pile of shit. And the Pajiba staff will have to stage a cage match to see who will have to review it.

Posted by: Izzie at May 11, 2007 11:23 AM

Hey, don’t put it past Helen Mirren to do something like a movie remake of “The Jetsons.” After all, the great dame is in the National Treasure sequel.

Posted by: annie at May 11, 2007 11:33 AM

I think there’s already been at least a backhanded homage to “Land of the Lost.” It’s called “Saul of the Mole Men,” on Cartoon Network. I watched it once and it made me want to gouge my eyes out.

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 11, 2007 11:43 AM

I’m not usually a fan of war movies, but man that trailer looks good. Christian Bale can do no wrong.

Brad Pitt is too haggard for He-Man. My vote is for Jason Statham.

Posted by: Lex D at May 11, 2007 11:45 AM

Looks like Christian Bale is going closer to his look in “The Machinist” for “Rescue Dawn”. I don’t think that can be good for someone to keep gaining and losing weight like that.
Oh yeah, movie itself looks okay.

Posted by: bebemiqui at May 11, 2007 11:49 AM

Christian Bale is the only entry in my Freebie list.

*sigh*

Posted by: Stella at May 11, 2007 11:54 AM

Noooo, don’t ruin the Statham for me. A leather loin cloth, blonde wig and oiled chest have never really done much for a man’s attractiveness…

I say wheel out Dolph again. Dolph is awesome.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at May 11, 2007 12:00 PM

Rescue Dawn looks good. Also, yeah, it’s gotta be really bad to lose/gain/lose that much weight in such small periods of time, but hopefully he’s doing it with the help of a doctor. It’s also been a while since Steve Zahn showed up. Whatever happened to him?

Posted by: em at May 11, 2007 12:23 PM

If that FNL news is true (and I assume you at least think it is), I could almost cry.

YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS! Friday Night Lights!

Posted by: bristlesage at May 11, 2007 12:23 PM

has anyone else stumbled on the trailer for “Blonde Ambition” with Luke Wilson and Jessica Simpson? Oh. My. God. Oh, Luke, how could you?

Yes, yes I have had the misfortune of seeing this trailer. I am so mad at Luke Wilson right now. How hard up for cash/exposure can he be? Did he lose a bet?
If you haven’t seen the trailer don’t go looking for it, seriously, it makes you die a little inside.

Posted by: missmle at May 11, 2007 12:53 PM

“The Great Space Coaster.”

Why did I read this as “The Brave Little Toaster”? That would be a fabulous big-screen adaptation!

Posted by: Phaeolus at May 11, 2007 1:04 PM

I am so glad Bale is in Herzog’s latest—it practically compels Pajiba to review it, given Bale’s popularity here. Plus, my head almost exploded back in 2005 ago when I first heard that Herzog was directing Bale. I have been waiting a long, long time…

Incidentally, one could do worse than to pad a “Rescue Dawn” experience with a preliminary viewing of “Little Dieter Needs to Fly,” which is the doc Herzog made a decade back that takes on the same subject/history (Dieter Dengler’s escape from jungle POW camp—and then some.) Not only is it one of his best docs, it’s also IMO requisite viewing for anyone intending to review “Rescue Dawn” as fully as possible.

(Not that the Pajiban potentates don’t already know this.)

Posted by: Ranylt at May 11, 2007 1:10 PM

I can’t wait for Rescue Dawn. Christian Bale looks absolutely brilliant in it. I agree with the posters that the yo-yoing of his weight can’t possibly be good for him.

DON’T DIE, CHRISTIAN! Not until I get a shag!

I could see Gerard Butler as He-Man… *sigh*

Posted by: bam at May 11, 2007 1:17 PM

Oh, and The Jetsons is the worst movie idea I’ve ever heard.

Yes, terrible this idea.

Posted by: bam at May 11, 2007 1:17 PM

I heard the Jestsons rumor on WorstPreviews…man, I could smell the “suck” from here. Plus, Land of the Motherfucking Lost?! I’d rather see Sharkboy and Lavagirl II….wait, maybe not.

I’ve had it up to “here” with all these “re-imaginings” of shows that were barely passabpe when they were popular.

What’s next, Thundar the Barbarian?

Posted by: Manny at May 11, 2007 1:29 PM

I’ll save you Christian, I’ll save you!! Yeah, and I guess we can take Steve Zahn with us too….but he’s sleeping in the next room!

Posted by: Helcat at May 11, 2007 1:29 PM

I’m in my early 20’s and I know what Land of the Lost is. They powers that be remade it in 1990 on ABC, and then they replayed the old 70’s version on Nickelodeon.

Posted by: Wrighteous1 at May 11, 2007 1:31 PM

Sigh. Another mediocre remake. When I read about the Jetsons vs Land of the Lost, I was outraged for about 10 seconds. Truthfully, I’m just tired. Tired of all these shitty movies coming out in droves. While Pajiba keeps me sane (and prevents me from blowing any money on these atrocities) it just seems like for every 1 decent film, we get Dukes of Hazzard, Stealth, Wild Hogs, and so much more.

Sorry for the rant (or whatever the hell that was).

Posted by: Brie at May 11, 2007 1:59 PM

Brie:

for every 1 decent film, we get Dukes of Hazzard, Stealth, Wild Hogs, and so much more.

That’s because for every intelligent person, there are dozens of complete morons. Sadly the shitty movie/stupid people proportions are probably correct.

Posted by: TK at May 11, 2007 2:13 PM

The NY Times liked 28 Weeks Later. Here’s the quote from the end of th review (where they discuss the what and why of the movie’s rating):

28 Weeks Later” is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). Rabid zombies feast on living flesh, which causes their potential victims to utter an occasional obscenity

Conan had Lohan and Cable Guy on last night. They showed a clip from her movie - she’es fighting with some boy (a cousin) in the yard, has him pinned down, someone curses and Hanoi Jane hoses them down from behind (keep in mind Lindsey is where what appears to be a white tank top over a wife beater in the scene). Next thing the boy is walking into the house and Jane is trying to wash out Lidsey’s mouth with soap (the cursing).

I’m sitting there thinking “This scene seems weird - liek something is missing.” I haven’t seen this movie - just the anoyyyyyyyyying commercials. Anyhooo, they come back from the clip and Lindsey says “They cut the scene - this isn’ty what I saw when I saw the movie 2 days ago.” When Conan asks what she means she says, questioning whether she can say this on TV “While I’m on him I go ‘Oh my - you’re hard’” (Not verbatim - it was after 1 AM). They cut it from the clip before giving it to Conan’s show. It was so obvious something was missing since the quick cut to the boy walking awkwardly into the house, with his back to the camera, just seemed wrong. Haven’t found a clip of this yet.

Oh and as bad as the Balls of Fury preview seemed when you libnked to it earlier this week it way, way worse witnessing it on the big screen. Myfriend is convinced they made that movie as a tax write-off

Posted by: Brian at May 11, 2007 2:24 PM

socalledonlycousins:
sorry, i couldnt resist-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45PMkBlY-SM
its like singing an LFO song aloud thats stuck in your head so you dont have to suffer alone.

Posted by: CC at May 11, 2007 2:41 PM

The poker addict/fanboy in me is looking forward to the not-too distant future where Lucky You will no longer be the go-to Pajiba whipping boy.

Posted by: bartap at May 11, 2007 2:56 PM

The Wanderer : I think there’s already been at least a backhanded homage to “Land of the Lost.” It’s called “Saul of the Mole Men,” on Cartoon Network. I watched it once and it made me want to gouge my eyes out.

Yes, yes, it is really that bad. And its companion “show”, “Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job” is so much worse. Why Adult Swim is running horrible live action instead of adult-themed animation is beyond me, and these to piles of crap would be the last thing that I would choose to run. You have to be high to not kill yourself watching them.

Posted by: Meander at May 11, 2007 3:00 PM

“Meet Pa Jiiba”? Jibba? Like jibba jabba? :)

Posted by: superedna at May 11, 2007 3:25 PM

LotL was one of the best written Saturday morning shows, with screenplays by Larry Niven, David Gerrold, Norman Spinrad, and DC Fontana. Yet again, Pajiba shows its prejudice against science fiction…

Posted by: Adam C at May 11, 2007 3:49 PM

CC: Geez, what are you trying to do to me? The first viewing alone took 14% of my soul away.

I did have a brief fantasy, however, that when the guy is holding her head in his hands at the beginning, he grits his teeth and crushes the most useless of her three melons, with a cool explosion of Jess-mess.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 11, 2007 4:04 PM

Adam C -
With all the FIREFLY drooling that goes down on this page, I hardly think you can say Pajibans hate SciFi. But food-color waterfalls and rubber facemasks (I’m looking at you, Sleestak) - yeah, writing aside, you can’t seriously tell me LotL was up to snuff on the production values, even by bad 70s TV standards. Fourth-grade science project dioramas look more convincing.

Posted by: Tammy at May 11, 2007 4:14 PM

Does this mean no Machete?

Sad.

Posted by: twibs at May 11, 2007 5:53 PM

BarbadoSlim, Rodriguez can eat caviar and truffles for the rest of his life from the marketing money from Spy Kids. I get tired of people defending him. He’s definitely a talented filmmaker, but he’s incredibly undisciplined and slipshod. He’s like a great athlete who never learns technique and depends on his gifts to carry him to victory.

Posted by: alone in the dark at May 11, 2007 6:16 PM

First!

Oh wait, no? Dammit

Nerds

Posted by: B-more at May 11, 2007 6:21 PM

Please, sir … how much do I have to whimper and cry for the “28 Weeks Later” review?

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 11, 2007 6:21 PM

Just got back from 28 Weeks Later.

Pretty gosh darned entertaining.
Great tension, some freaky violence, hot chicks, good story, non massively irritating kid, sweet horror ending.

what more do you want?

Totally removed me from the dual funk of having sat through Spiderman 3 and the news that I’ll have to content my self with a dodgy pirate copy of Grindhouse should I wish to see it a) before FUCKING SEPTEMBER and b) in its original glory.

Apparantly we get the pleasure of paying to see it twice to see it once.
Cooking funts.

But 28 weeks cheered us right up - classic horror really, hits all the right marks.

Posted by: PyD at May 11, 2007 7:56 PM

Excellent news, PyD. Can’t wait!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 11, 2007 8:03 PM

Hated the Jetsons. Now if we were talking Heathcliff I’d be all over this.

Posted by: Candy at May 11, 2007 8:26 PM

Oh man, I think I remember reading an article in the NY Times Magazine about the Herzog-Bale movie, and it sounded like the filming was the sort of hell that could birth brilliance. I don’t know whether I’m up for a war film like that, but I’m certainly interested to see what others think of it.

Posted by: Kate K. at May 11, 2007 9:12 PM

How funny! Earlier today I was wondering if Friday Night Lights was coming back. It was pretty random thought, since I only watched the last three episodes.

I think I have pop culture ESP.

Posted by: Debbye at May 11, 2007 9:13 PM

and it sounded like the filming was the sort of hell that could birth brilliance

Sounds like wonderfully typical Herzog to me, Kate! (see: Aguirre, Fitzcarraldo…)

Posted by: Ranylt at May 11, 2007 9:50 PM

Why does Agent Bedhead always seem to get the shittiest of shitty films?

Posted by: Kevin at May 11, 2007 10:20 PM

Wow. Pajiba is now the VH1/MTV of movie reviews.

Posted by: Que Barbara at May 11, 2007 10:31 PM

Alone in the Dark—I’m not defending the man, I just, you know, wonder how it feels when you try to treat people to a feast and they’d just rather go for a fucking $5.00 combo.

Are we the assholes? Are we? it sucks.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 11, 2007 11:12 PM

Not only am I eighteen years old, but I have both seen and enjoyed the campy and totally nonsensical Land of the Lost. And Will whatshisface or not, I can’t wait for the movie.

Posted by: Stace at May 11, 2007 11:23 PM

Oh, honestly. Dolph will always be the one true He-Man, and woe to Pitt if he believes he could EVER replace him. And to Butler for that matter.

Also, I remember Land of the Lost! And am 21. So I win in a very loserlike way, I suppose.

Oddly, I recall loving it, which I blame on being -very- young, and growing up with local tv (yay public access) doing saturday mornings.. meaning its competition? Consisted of an infomercial. Just the one, in fact. Every. Damn. Week.

Ugh.



Posted by: the hel at May 12, 2007 8:31 AM



BarbadoSlim,

I don’t think Planet Terror is a feast. To use your analogy, it’s a shitty Taco Bell burrito thrown onto a brightly painted plate for which I am then charged $10.50. I just didn’t think it was that good and I can’t wait for the fanboy slobbering over Rodriguez to wane. Some accountability and critical rigor would do him a world of good. Look at what he chooses to do after Grindhouse tanks. Does he (metaphorically) say, “Wow, I thought that one would go over big. I better get my ass in gear and work harder, maybe develop my craft a little more”? No, he decides to run to a shitty TV remake. If The Jetsons fails (oh please, oh please, oh please) do you think Rodriguez will take the hit? Not bloody likely.

As far as “are we assholes?” Yeah, we tend to be.

Posted by: alone in the dark at May 12, 2007 10:35 AM

BarbadoSlim — onehorseshy has a whole page of just thongs and boxers, so I just assumed there’d be a Pajiba hammock as part of the whole jammies initiative …

Pajiba Pajama Thought No. 2: Remember how old-timey pajamas had a button-flap in the rear? (At least in cartoons they did.) Maybe Pajiba could do a set of interchangeable loathesome face panels for the backflap; people like Paul Haggis. Maybe the names could be an afternoon diversion vote.

Pajiba Pajama Thought No. 3: How about a Pajiba One-sie? Very snuggly for my bizarre threeway with Salma Hayek and Sarah Vowell.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 12, 2007 11:16 AM

250px-Jetsons.jpg

Meet Pa Jiiba ... His Boy, Elroy

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | May 11, 2007 | Comments ()



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