Medieval Times: Feast Your Eyes Upon the Unholy Union of Movie and Restaurant
Are you familiar with the themed restaurant Medieval Times? Perhaps you glimpsed the glorious dinner theater in the 1996 movie The Cable Guy and thought to yourself, "Surely this nirvana, this Heaven on Earth is not a real place that I can visit!" Oh ho, my friend! Medieval Times is real and it is magnificent.
Once, long ago, when I actually went on vacations, I found myself in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Along with spending time at the beach, screaming when fish dared come near me while I snorkled, and going with my aunt, my cousin, and her boyfriend to House of Blues to see Busta Rhymes, we all decided to go to Medieval Times. I was excited. I love food! I love jousting (sort of)! I love food!
When you visit Medieval Times, you are seated in a section that corresponds to one of the champions participating in the 'tournament' you are about to see. As luck would have it, we were seated in the Red Knight's section. The Red Knight is the bad guy (although, according to the website, that isn't necessarily the case anymore). Cheering for the bad dude is the most fun that you can have at a jousting tournament, I can tell you. We screamed such marvelous taunts and nearly went hoarse from calling "...down, down, down, blue knight's goin' down...".
The food was also amazing! As pointed out in The Cable Guy, there are no utensils. You drink a thick and hearty soup from a handled bowl. You gnaw on half a chicken. There is bread and you are given drinks and a dessert at the end.
As idiot kids in their late teens, we took a raucous delight in loudly belching, screaming, and generally being the kind of people that were having so much fun that the people sitting around them seem to melt away. I belched so loudly that a fellow patron in front of me actually turned to look at what massive beast had let loose so foul a sound, only to see a petite teenager grinning back at them.
That day was a good day. I tell you that to tell you this: Benderspink and Broken Road are hoping to film a Medieval Times movie based on the restaurant of the same name. Maybe the Pirates of the Caribbean exceeded expectations for a film based on a ride, but that was tempered by the game-turned-move Battleship. A restaurant being turned into a movie. This is what it has come to in Hollywood. Attempting to bottle an experience that cannot be replicated properly, at least in my eyes, by a movie.
If Hollywood wants to make a jousting movie? Make one. A tournament during medieval times? Sure. A movie about actors portraying other actors that are portraying medieval knights for a crowd of actors portraying customers? I don't see how this could work. Some things just don't translate.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)