Somehow, Mark Wahlberg has got it in his square goddamned head that his Max Payne character is more bad-ass than The Dark Knight, which is a bit like suggesting Jonah Hill is hotter than Robert Downey, Jr. I mean, Hill has a certain appeal, but come on. Downey will melt your panties, while Jonah Hill will go into anaphylactic shock if he sees them.
With reference to The Dark Knight, Wahlberg told MTV News:
“Take off the suit and if you want to go one-on-one, two-on-one, and put a couple of you guys together - they all like to put the comic book characters together - come at me,” Wahlberg joked. “I’m not talking about financial box office, I’m talking about one-on-one with these (puts up fists) … This is like my character from ‘The Departed,’ ‘Fear,’ ‘Four Brothers,’ all mixed into one, times ten.”
Granted, his Fear character was pretty terrifying, stealing a crotch rub from Reese Witherspoon on that roller coaster and all, but even times ten, The Dark Knight could hang Maxie Payne up by his underwear. The evidence is not exactly in Max Payne’s favor. Real men wear capes.
That trailer sucks donkey balls. Plus, Batman don't need no gun.
Posted by: Cindy at September 2, 2008 8:15 AM
I love how Marky Mark from the friggin'Funky Bunch believes he has more streetcred than Batman.
Why so presumptuous?
Posted by: Pants at September 2, 2008 8:18 AM
Wait, is it based on the game? Where the hell did all that Valkrie shit come from? Was that in there? That game wasn't great but it wasn't batshit insane!
(Also was that Luda? Good for you Mr. Bridges.)
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 2, 2008 8:25 AM
what? explosions AND valkries? mr.wsapnin will be all over that like stink on shit. if he takes his shirt off, i'm in. get back to me on that, will you?
Posted by: wsapnin at September 2, 2008 8:29 AM
Max Payne is relevant no as it was.........8 years ago, when it was a mediocre gimmicky third person shooter.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 2, 2008 8:32 AM
Holy Shit! Sucre from Prison Break! Looking BADASS!!!
Don't remember Valkrie shit in the game. Some clips did look like sets from the second game.
Still think Clive Owen would have made a much better Max Payne. I've always pictured him as Max Payne. Shame, he missed out on Bond, but i guess it was a lucky escape seeing how cliched this movie is going to be.
Still will watch it though as i love Mila Kunis
Posted by: keif at September 2, 2008 8:42 AM
Hot sh*t!
Sucre from Prison Break
Looking BAD-ASS
Posted by: keifit at September 2, 2008 8:43 AM
I'm talking about one-on-one with these (puts up fists) ... This is like my character from 'The Departed,' 'Fear,' 'Four Brothers,' all mixed into one, times ten."
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 2, 2008 8:51 AM
Max Payne is not a character. He is a perspective.
Now what I'd like to see is the Katamari Damacy movie or the Shigeru Miyamoto movie. How come all the videogame movies are first person shooter based. Alas plus sighs times twenty.
Posted by: DivineGigi at September 2, 2008 9:06 AM
Decent abs and a giant fake schlong do not a superhero make...
Posted by: Pants at September 2, 2008 9:10 AM
All I'm seeing is a vehicle to carry the astounding sexy awesomeness that is Mila Kunis badass with a gun. The rest is so much filler.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 2, 2008 9:14 AM
okay, the new site design sucks.
Please bring back the feature, that when you clicked the top banner of Pajiba'd movies, it bring you back HOME.
seriously, how did you cynical entertainment monkeys not just design a website without a home feature, but TAKE IT AWAY.
I'm going to have to hate you now.
Posted by: Withnail at September 2, 2008 9:16 AM
This is like my character from 'The Departed,' 'Fear,' 'Four Brothers,' all mixed into one, times ten.
Oh I love movie Algebra...
then divide by "I Heart Huckabees", plus "Planet of the Apes" squared, minus "Rock Star" and take all the result and multiply by "Renaissance Man".
I almost shot coffee out of my nose when I saw Mila Kunis reloading a sub-machine gun @1:44 of the trailer.
Posted by: branded at September 2, 2008 9:18 AM
Decent abs and a giant fake schlong do not a superhero make...
Tell that to the Ryan Reynolds crowd.
*ducks for cover*
Posted by: branded at September 2, 2008 9:21 AM
Hehe. Katamari Damacy movie. Roll Roll Roll. SUPERGAY KING. Roll Roll Roll. RAINBOW. ROLL ROLL ROLL
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 2, 2008 9:27 AM
Branded; I count myself amongst their many ranks. But I never saw him with a fake schlong, I don't think...
Posted by: Pants at September 2, 2008 9:36 AM
Branded; I count myself amongst their many ranks. But I never saw him with a fake schlong, I don't think...
Posted by: Pants at September 2, 2008 9:37 AM
Mila Kunis is a cute as the next girl, but perhaps slightly miscast. Not quite as miscast as Marky Mark, but still.
And frankly, I'd nail Jonah Hill before Mark Wahlberg, hands down.
"Decent abs and a giant fake schlong do not a superhero make..."
Ah, but he CAN touch you with a 10 foot pole.
Posted by: BWeaves at September 2, 2008 11:48 AM
So if "Fear" Marky Mark stole a crotch rub from Reese Witherspoon, "Max Payne" will move in with her, take his shoes off while in the house, apologize for cursing and take out the trash when it's 3/4 full?
....eh. I am not really in the mood to geek out on those lacking right now. Besides, ain't like anyone cares.
Damn, I can't even bring myself to care about Mila Kunis. Truly this is a dark time.
Posted by: Vermillion at September 2, 2008 12:00 PM
For shame, Vermillion...there's always time to care about Mila. If we all just close our eyes and pray really hard, maybe that lesbian scene promised with Elisha Cuthbert will happen.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at September 2, 2008 12:07 PM
I'm right there with you, Shadows, but let's make it a threesome with Megan Fox?. I'll let you document it!
Posted by: lordhelmet at September 2, 2008 1:11 PM
Oh, you guys! Leave Marky Mark alone. It's cute how he thinks his characters are badder ass than Christian Bale's.
I'll be damned to MTV Movie hell if Cleric John Preston, Patrick Bateman and mother effing BATMAN can't get the job done against Wahlberg's list.
Please.
Posted by: Mella at September 2, 2008 1:17 PM
Are you people insane? Do you not know what Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch are capable of? I saw Marky Mark use his abs to grind infant bones into dust. Once, The Funky Bunch snuffed out the lives of a Detroit biker gang using only bandannas and the running man.
If Mark Wahlberg says he's more bad-ass than Batman, until I rid my apartment of any surveillance equipment, I believe him. Do you hear me Sir Markus Marks? I am your loyal and humble servant. Forgive these blasphemers, they know not of the good vibrations.
Posted by: jM at September 2, 2008 1:59 PM
He probably could kick Batman's ass, since Batman is a fucking pussy.
Posted by: sosumir at September 2, 2008 2:15 PM
And Batman's got all those wonderful toys!
Posted by: Helcat at September 2, 2008 3:15 PM
I think the question we all want answered is how well Marky Mark would fare against Iron Man.
Posted by: Shay at September 2, 2008 4:51 PM
Okay, feeling a bit better..so I will geek out a little.
For those who were asking, the plotline in Max Payne the game (such as it was) was heavily formed around Norse mythology and featured crazy dream sequences. While the Valkyries per se were not in the game, the MacGuffin of the story was a powerful drug that drove its users crazy and gave them unnatural strength and toughness. Due to its intended use for wounded soldiers in order to keep them fighting, it was dubbed Valkyr.
I surmise (although I could be wrong) that the Valkyries are part of drug-based hallucinations, not actually existing in the reality of the movie, but more symbolic.
Also, nobody told be there was TOPLESS Mila Kunis. True she has her back turned, but it is still naked back. And black panties. And...I'll be in my bunk.
P.S. Anybody else getting a slight Sin City vibe from it? Stylized violence and all that.
Posted by: Vermillion at September 2, 2008 5:40 PM
YO YO YO GIVE ME a BEAT!
Yeah
Can you feel it baby
I can too
Ooh
Come on swing it
C-C-Come on swing it
Ooh
Come on swing it
C-C-Come on swing it
1-2-3 - Now we come to the pay off
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
Yo! It's about that time
To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme
I'm a get mine so get yours
I wanna see sweat comin' out your pores
On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this
Strictly Hip-Hop boy, I ain't singin' this
Bringing this to the entire nation
Black, white, red, brown
Feel the vibration
Come on come on
Feel it feel it
Feel the vibration
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
Vibrations good like Sunkist
Many wanna know who done this
Marky Mark and I'm here to move you
Rhymes will groove you
And I'm here to prove to you
That we can party on the positive side
And pump positive vibes
So come along for the ride
Making you feel the rhythm is my occupation
So feel the vibration
Come on come on
Feel it feel it
Feel the vibration
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
Donnie D break it down
Donnie D's on the back up
Drug free, so put the crack up
No need for speed
I'm the anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E my
Body is healthy
My rhymes make me wealthy
And the Funky Bunch helps me
To bring you a show with no intoxication
Come on feel the vibration
Yeah
Can you feel it baby
I can too
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
Now the time has come for you to get up
The rest had you fed up but Yo, I won't let up
On the rhythm and rhyme that's designed to
Make your behind move to what I'm inclined to
Pure Hip Hop, no sell out
If you ain't in it to win it
Then get the hell out
I command you to dance
I wanna see motivation
Come on now feel the vibration
(Piano solo)
It's such a good vibration
Come on come on come on
It's such a sweet sensation
Feel it feel it
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
(Piano - out)
It's such a good vibration
Come on come on come on
It's such a sweet sensation
Feel it feel it
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
It's such a good vibration
It's such a sweet sensation
(Piano - out)
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 2, 2008 7:03 PM
Vermillion: Towards the end of the trailer, I actually thought that this was a poor man's "Sin City."
Posted by: me at September 2, 2008 9:20 PM
That was the longest 2 minutes and 23 seconds of my life.
Posted by: Lake at September 2, 2008 10:11 PM
(Warning: the following contains vast amounts of geeking out.)
Right, so Max Payne is actually pretty goddamn badass. However, Payne wouldn't go after Batman. But an armed fucking vigilante shooting the hell out of Gotham streets would bring Bats down so fast and hard and silent down on Payne's head there wouldn't be a painkiller in the world that could save him.
QED.
Posted by: Shadowen at September 3, 2008 2:19 AM
guys, there's not enough sexualized undulating young thangs for it to be Sin City-like. This actually made me think it was the bastard child of Constantine and the Crow.
(bad acting + cool concept = Constantine, Max Payne, any Vin Diesel movie)
Queue stylized violence (like slo mo shots of dudes running, like hey! that's so badass, you, running and shit)...
... [snore] hmm, wh- what? sorry I feel asleep from the sheer lack of any originality whatsoever...
Give me Jason Bourne any day and thrice on Sundays. Preferably nekkid and with a tub a whipped cream on the side. Dude read maps, people. Maps. And then destroyed everything in sight.
Posted by: Stella at September 3, 2008 7:17 AM
The flame bit and Valkries are real Constantine like. The rest is totally Sin City like, even the poster could be from Sin City.
Then again, the game covers and slow mo's and comics and dreams in the actual game were Sin City esq, probably homage to Miller. Just never would have thought either SC or MP would be made into major motion pictures.
Still..Clive Owen had a lucky escape
Posted by: keif at September 3, 2008 7:35 AM
VALKYRIES, goddammit, not valkries
Posted by: Mania at September 3, 2008 11:11 AM
As I recall, the Valkyries/angels/whatever are from a level in the game that was a dream sequence.
Posted by: Shadowen at September 3, 2008 12:42 PM
Great games, with a killer plot. often turn into horrible movies, FUCK hollywood.
Somehow, Mark Wahlberg has got it in his square goddamned head that his Max Payne character is more bad-ass than The Dark Knight, which is a bit like suggesting Jonah Hill is hotter than Robert Downey, Jr. I mean, Hill has a certain appeal, but come on. Downey will melt your panties, while Jonah Hill will go into anaphylactic shock if he sees them.
That trailer sucks donkey balls. Plus, Batman don't need no gun.