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This is Ground Control to Major Tom

Cruise Represses Crazy for Another Decent Project / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 13, 2009 | Comments (52)


Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but I stand by my assertion that the crazy in his brain doesn’t extend to choosing projects. The man knows how to pick a script, and as a result, his movies usually succeed in spite of him. He can best be described as the most serviceable actor in Hollywood. He’s literally a blank chunk of flesh with big, gleaming teeth that can fit into nearly any drama that needs a regular-looking white dude. He’s easy to hate, but hard to ignore. Dig?

Anyway, he’s done it again: Cruise has signed on to a project damn near guaranteed to do well, whether he couch jumps, assaults Matt Lauer, or slimes America with his toothy Thetan energy. He’s currently in negotiations to join the cast of The Materese Circle, which sounds like a remake. But it’s not. It’s an adaptation of a Robert Ludlum novel (Ludlum, as you know, is responsible for the Bourne books). Better yet, Cruise will play a villain, which he proved he could do in his best role to date, Michael Mann’s Collateral. Granted, he’ll be playing a Russian villain, so we’ll finally get to see how he works a foreign accent (despite all the rumors, he didn’t actually try out a German accent in Valkyrie).

And how do I know most of the world will go see The Materese Cicle in spiderface of Cruise? Because he’ll be playing opposite Denzel Washington, and no one can resist the powers of Denzel. But wait! There’s more. Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington just a little too mainstream for you? You need a little edge to your conspiracy thrillers. Well, here you go: The Matarese Circle will be directed by David Cronenberg. You know: That crazy fucker who brought us not only The Fly and The History of Violence, but Crash and Dead Ringers. It’s got a little bit for everyone to love, and a little bit for everyone to hate. But love/hate all sort of cancels itself out, and you’re left with Denzel.

The logline, via Variety: “Cruise will go mano a mano with Washington as two bitter enemy spies who, after spending two decades trying to kill each other, grudgingly team up against the Matarese, a powerful group at the root of a conspiracy.”

Also, Pajiba favorites, Michael Brandt and Derek Haas (Wanted, 3:10 to Yuma) will be writing the script. Who knew that, when Dan scored an interview with those two a couple of years ago, that they’d become the biggest screenwriting team this side of Christopher and Jonathan Nolan?









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Comments

Shit yes.

Posted by: twig at February 13, 2009 10:10 AM

I wish actors that aren't complete douche waffles would actually have the same skill at picking rolls as Cruise.

Posted by: George at February 13, 2009 10:12 AM

I wonder what Denzel stock persona we are gonna get:

Earnest cop Denzel
Psycho cop Denzel
or
Hawaiian shirt Denzel

Oh, and I love Denzel is just that, you know, that's all he does.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 10:13 AM

Uh, who's directing? Cronenberg or Brandt and Haas?

Posted by: jM at February 13, 2009 10:14 AM

Michael Brandt and Derek Haas will be screenwriting

Posted by: annoyingmouse at February 13, 2009 10:14 AM

"so we'll finally get to see how he works a foreign accent"

So you've blanked "Far and Away" from your mind then? I think it definitively showed that he can't do even the simplest Irish accent. I watched it in my home town cinema: people were in tears from laughing so hard at how his accent changed from scene to scene, and never hit the mark.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 13, 2009 10:21 AM

What kind of hallucinogenic enema did Mrs. Ludlum insert into young Bobby to get him to come up with these friggen names? I mean, no way does this cat get laid with that river of steaming horseshit rolling off his tongue! Did Rich Hall and Lewis Carroll have a love child or something?

Screw the Zombie contest, let's fire up the Ludlum name contest.

The Magniloquent Codification is the story of a guy who couldn't find enough entries from Roget to satisfy his hunger or thirst for bombastic and truculent machinations.

Posted by: bucslim at February 13, 2009 10:28 AM

He's literally a blank chunk of flesh with big, gleaming teeth that can fit into nearly any drama that needs a regular-looking white dude.

Fuck, Rowles, Cruise hasn't looked regular for years.

You can take that joke in one of two ways (but you can only choose one):
1.) The years of aging since Top Gun have taken to pouring crazy into the veins that always seem to be bulging out of his forehead and eyes.
2.) He always looks constipated.

Fucking Tom Cruise. I will never except him as an attractive leading man. He's like a male Renee Zellwegger for me. Except a lot more fucktarded. Fuck he makes me angry.

Posted by: Kayanne at February 13, 2009 10:29 AM

As crazy as Cruise is, I'm always surprised with his acting. I sometimes forget it's Tom Cruise that I'm watching.

Posted by: Chalupa at February 13, 2009 10:30 AM

This one tears me up a little bit inside - I love Cronenberg, and I'm completely wishy-washy over Cruise and Washington. Guess I'll have to see what the reviews have to say.

Meanwhile, if Cruise is good at picking scripts, why is he going to do the The Hardy Men with Ben Stiller?

Posted by: Cindy at February 13, 2009 10:36 AM

The Bariatric Cabal

The Helminthous Aggregation

The Hebdomadal Kerfuffle

The Gibbous Concourse

The Distributary Argybargy

The Crepuscular Perspicacity

Hey, this is fun!

Posted by: Jerce at February 13, 2009 10:39 AM

Speaking of the title song, is there anything worse than the Cat Power commercial? I cringe every time I hear it.

Posted by: Cindy at February 13, 2009 10:40 AM

I would go to see "The Crepuscular Perspicacity" in a heartbeat, even if Renee Zellweger were in it.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 13, 2009 10:42 AM

The Gelatinous Dysentery

Posted by: bucslim at February 13, 2009 10:42 AM

Distributary Argybargy

Fucking love it!

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 10:48 AM

Re: Ludlumesque book names

Did anyone else see the Hitchens article about Salman Rushdie in February's Vanity Fair?

It has a great bit on this theme. Excerpt:

"At a dinner party that will forever be green in the memory of those who attended it, somebody was complaining not just about the epic badness of the novels of Robert Ludlum but also about the badness of their titles. (You know the sort of pretentiousness: The Bourne Supremacy, The Aquitaine Progression, The Ludlum Impersonation, and so forth.)

Then it happily occurred to another guest to wonder aloud what a Shakespeare play might be called if named in the Ludlum manner.

At which point Salman Rushdie perked up and started to sniff the air like a retriever. "O.K. then, Salman, what would Hamlet's title be if submitted to the Ludlum treatment?" "The Elsinore Vacillation," he replied--and I find I must stress this--in no more time than I have given you. Think it was a fluke? Macbeth? "The Dunsinane Reforestation." To persist and to come up with The Rialto Sanction and The Kerchief Implication was the work of not too many more moments."

Great, no?

Posted by: Neon at February 13, 2009 10:48 AM

'The logline, via Variety: "Cruise will go mano a mano with Washington as two bitter enemy spies who, after spending two decades trying to kill each other, grudgingly team up against the Matarese, a powerful group at the root of a conspiracy." '

Not sure about the plot...but it'll be interesting to see what David Cronenberg comes up with.

Posted by: Neena at February 13, 2009 10:50 AM

Posted by: Jerce at February 13, 2009 10:39 AM

Hahahahaha...comment of the year folks, right there.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 10:50 AM

Don't forget the ones with names in the title:

The Hogenstern Obfuscation
The Capitulation Derivitive
The Casperson Defenistration
The Roman Imbroglio (No one ever uses that word anymore. I kind of miss it.)

Then, of course, they'll need Bourne Titles:

The Bourne Defection
The Bourne Condemnation
The Bourne Revival
The Bourne Termination (an oxymoronic play on words, if you ask me.)
The Bourne Two Step
The Bourne Cha Cha
The Bourne Waltz in D Minor
The Bourne Boredom
and finally, The Bourne Endgame.

Actually, I reserve the rights on that last one. That could actually work.

Posted by: Mike R. at February 13, 2009 10:56 AM

The Scrumtrulescent Floccinaucinihilipilification.

One letter for every tooth in Cruise's mouth.

Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 10:56 AM

I saw Matt Damon himself self-deprecatingly refer to the 3rd film as "The Bourne Redundancy" on Letterman, when it came out.

I love that guy. And not just in a "on the bed on the floor on a towel by the door" kind of way. (Though in that way, too!)

Posted by: Neon at February 13, 2009 11:04 AM

I think Cruise goes beyond just picking good scripts. He also picks great directors. Look at his imdb. It's a veritable who's who. From Spielberg to Crowe to Stone to Kubric to Mann, the guy has figured out how to give himself the best chance to look good in a movie. Directing talent like that, working form good scripts, can hide anyone's flaws.

Posted by: ed newman at February 13, 2009 11:07 AM

The Rhadamanthine Nexum

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 11:17 AM

I have to ask if

"in spiderface of Cruise"

Was deliberate. It doesn't seem like a natural typo and yet I obviously missed the setup if it was a deliberate joke.

Carry on.

Posted by: Spike at February 13, 2009 11:27 AM

I love when Cruise is a villain. The man is SUCH a fun creep onscreen.

Also, Neon "The Elsinore Vacillation,", awesome! I have to check out that article. I've been staying away from Vanity Fair because:
1. Its so self-satisfied
2. Its so full of ads
And most importantly:
3. When I watch episodes of Law and Order I don't want to know what happens because the ep was a complete rip-off of an article 2 months ago

Posted by: Park at February 13, 2009 11:28 AM

"Ripped from Vanity Fair the headlines!"

Posted by: Snath at February 13, 2009 11:32 AM

The only time I have ever liked Cruise was in Magnolia. No, I didn't think he was funny in Tropic Thunder. I really don't know what anyone saw in that. My daughter didn't get it either and she has no idea who Tom Cruise is.

Posted by: imk at February 13, 2009 11:38 AM

The Masticating Donnybrook

The Discombobulated Occurance

The Recidivist Tumescence

Posted by: TK at February 13, 2009 11:39 AM

The Tumescent Fulsomness

The Deciduous Fenestration

The Cromulent Fulgenico

The Brobdignian Officiousness

The Undulate Corpulence

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 13, 2009 11:50 AM

Weird that me and Tracer used "Tumescent" or a variation thereof within minutes of each other.

I'm not 100% comfortable with that.

Oh, and...

The Wagnerian Desiccation.

Posted by: TK at February 13, 2009 11:59 AM

The Thetan Mandible

Posted by: bucslim at February 13, 2009 12:02 PM

The Conniving Cunnilingist

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 12:08 PM

Cronenberg? Well I'm in.I just hope that the taint of Cruise (pun intended)doesn't cause Cronenberg to turn in an unpalatable mess a la Kubrick's 'Eyes Wide Shut' and promplty die before being able to redeem himself.That said, Cronenberg already filmed 'Crash' with James Spader so I'm not sure how much worse he could do with Cruise.

Posted by: Brite at February 13, 2009 12:13 PM

TK, I'd planned to go with "turgid" but "tumescent" had a better ring to it.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 13, 2009 12:17 PM

I love Ludlum novels... grew up with them, my dad would finish one and then toss it to me to read. But I agree that the names are ridunkulous.

However... read The Road to Gandalfo (yep... real title) and The Road to Omaha. Ludlum had a self aware sense of humor.

To wit:

The Druidian Malefacation
The Epiphinal Allegory
The Lugubrious Parellelogram

And, of course...

The Godtopus Deification.

Posted by: antietam at February 13, 2009 12:21 PM

The Guy Who Can't Spell "Parallelogram"

Posted by: antietam at February 13, 2009 12:23 PM

The Guy Who Can't Spell "Parallelogram"

Posted by: antietam at February 13, 2009 12:23 PM

or: The Parallelogram Conundrum

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 12:40 PM

The Godtopus Deification.

What about made-up porn titles spun off made-up Ludlum titles?

The Godtopus Defecation?

Posted by: branded at February 13, 2009 12:46 PM

The Orifice Lubrication

Posted by: bucslim at February 13, 2009 1:03 PM

HOW did I miss this thread? You people are brilliant.

Posted by: Julie at February 13, 2009 1:07 PM

The Paradoxical Putrefaction
The Misanthropic Convalescence
The Encompassing Fluorescent Ailurophobia
The Wafting Ambivalent Aroma
The Diaphanous Legume

Posted by: figgy at February 13, 2009 1:26 PM

spike -- because jay did me a solid and answered my question yesterday before I went cuckoo from the not knowing, I'ma pay it forward and tell you the whole "spiderface" thing is from last week's office episode, where michael gets roasted. go hulu it up.

Posted by: melia at February 13, 2009 1:26 PM

The Occidental Vehemence

The Cantankerous Restitution

The Mellifluous Archipelago

Posted by: TK at February 13, 2009 2:49 PM

Don't give Tom too much credit. There is a little bit of chicken and egg here. He's still perceived as a bankable, talented star (rightfully so), and thus he's going to get first choice of a lot of the best projects.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at February 13, 2009 2:51 PM

The Cymbalic Cyclotron
The Tripartite Tricorder Incident
The Phantom Menace...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 13, 2009 3:05 PM

While I loathe Cruise like the rest, if he goes complete psycho-style like his studio head in Tropic Thunder, it should be great. Although they probably aren't looking for an over-the-top funny performance. I love that line "you're going to need a U.N. Resolution to keep me from..." probably can't repeat the rest here.

Posted by: tst at February 13, 2009 3:49 PM

Oh, and thanks for getting that "Ground Control" song stuck in my head.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at February 13, 2009 3:52 PM

The Evonne Goolagong

Posted by: bucslim at February 13, 2009 4:45 PM

David Cronenberg. Denzel Washington. And Tom Cruise. Working on the same movie. And i thought nothing could surprise me anymore.

Posted by: Arthur Dent at February 13, 2009 7:26 PM

Delurking briefly to say that this is the best thread EVER. I can't stop laughing. All y'all should win Eloquents next week.

Posted by: Another Jen at February 13, 2009 11:22 PM

The History of Violence was awful.

Awful.

Posted by: WhoWhatWhere at February 14, 2009 2:50 AM

SAVE TOM!

Posted by: Anonymouse at February 15, 2009 4:29 AM