Marcus Nispel Attached to Conan the Barbarian

Remake Hack Set to Hack Another Remake

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (35)

Although Variety, of course, is not attributing him, CHUD’s Devin Faraci (great , smart writer, real-life preachy, buzzkill douchenut) broke the news last night that Marcus Nispel has landed in the director’s chair for the Conan the Barbarian remake.

Infidel Defilers. They Shall All Drown in Lakes of Blood.

The good news: Bret Ratner, previously circling the project, won’t be handling the remake duties. The bad news: Marcus Nispel (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, Friday the 13th remake) isn’t a huge upgrade. He does have some experience directing sweaty men, however; he directed C&C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).” He also directed 2007’s terrible Pathfinder, which — according to my own review — makes him appropriate for this remake. In that review, I wrote that the movie was about what you’d expect:

Namely a lot of shirtless men; cheesy, sweat-filled action sequences; incredibly bad lyrics; zero substance; and a weird homoerotic vibe. But you gotta hand it to Nispel: For anyone aching to see an unintentionally hilarious, campy throwback to Conan the Barbarian-style flick, you’d be hard pressed to find anything better than Pathfinder, a loose remake of the 1987 Oscar Nominated Norwegian film, Ofelas, though there is absolutely nothing Oscar worthy about this movie, unless the Academy decides to include a new category for superfluous penis waving.

All of which is to say: I suspect that Nispel will keep the campy throwback vibe alive for the remake. And he is pretty good at decapitations. Don’t expect a PG-13 film, thank God. But don’t expect a good movie, either.

Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer (Sahara, the forthcoming Cowboys and Aliens) have already written the script.

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Comments

Considering that my childhood was raped by Hollywood long ago, I have to settle for this news just ruining my morning.

Posted by: Kolby at June 12, 2009 10:12 AM

I would say that we couldn't get worse than Ratner, but I don't want to tempt fate.

As usual, it looks like a big pile of shit.

Infidel defilers! They shall all drown in lakes of blood.

Posted by: boo at June 12, 2009 10:17 AM

Oh, and that face Conan is making in that image? That was me upon hearing of this remake.

Posted by: boo at June 12, 2009 10:18 AM

The problem is that Nispel will think he's making a serious movie. Conan was campy stupid drivel and they all knew it. Hell, the star could barley speak english.

Up and at them!

Posted by: admin at June 12, 2009 10:20 AM

This is decidedly not what is best in life.

I don't believe that this Nispel understands the riddle of steel.

Posted by: TK at June 12, 2009 10:22 AM

"Conan was campy stupid drivel"

[begins shaking with rage]

When Boo gets here, she is going to fuck you up.

Posted by: TK at June 12, 2009 10:23 AM

I've never actually seen Conan the Barbarian, and even I know this is a bad idea. A very, very bad idea.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 12, 2009 10:34 AM

Yeah, admin, campy stupid drivel was Flash Gordon (which excelled at it to the point of Classic status).

Conan, however, was pure awesomeness, refined in a process awash with the distilled testosterone of a thousand raging bulls!

This remake will just pour Red Bull over itself and call it a day...

Posted by: malikvlc at June 12, 2009 10:39 AM

I've never seen Conan, but that picture has completely made my day.

Posted by: Julie at June 12, 2009 10:42 AM

Seriously, the next person who tells me they've never seen Conan gets kicked in the fucking stomach.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Posted by: TK at June 12, 2009 10:48 AM

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I never said Conan wasn't as awesome as a wolf-pelt loin cloth hugging your junk just right. I own both of the motherfucking movies. But you can't honestly say James Earl Jones was thinking Oscar nomination when he did it. Pehaps it was a bad choice of description.

Slow your roll, else we battle and our rage tears the world apart.

Posted by: admin at June 12, 2009 10:59 AM

Never seen Conan? Sheeeeit- I used to watch it after my morning cereal and the Smurfs. Taught me everything I know about being a man.

Posted by: logar at June 12, 2009 11:02 AM

I'M SORRY! I never caught it on tv. And I was too busy rerenting High Spirits and Fairie Tale Theater to seek it out!

Posted by: Julie at June 12, 2009 11:05 AM

Jeremy and Julie, having not seen Conan is such a waste.

Both of you contemplate this on the tree of woe. Crucify them!

Posted by: branded at June 12, 2009 11:08 AM

A'ight, admin, we cool, we cool.

Signals Delta Squad to stand down.

Posted by: malikvlc at June 12, 2009 11:22 AM

Julie, I've never seen it either, don't feel bad. Remember...we were young girls back then. I was watching Jem cartoons.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 12, 2009 11:36 AM

*narrows eyes at admin, slowly looses katana from sheath*

Let's not be hasty...shall we?

Posted by: boo at June 12, 2009 11:52 AM

Oh, whatevs, TK & branded, it was before my time. Seriously, I completely missed out on the 80's, okay? If you're gonna be mad at anyone, blame my parents for not conceiving me a decade earlier.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at June 12, 2009 12:15 PM

You know, Feisty, there is this amazing invention. It's pretty new, so maybe you've heard of it, since you are so young and all:

It's called DVD.

*returns to stalking admin*

Posted by: boo at June 12, 2009 12:28 PM

Look boo, we can do this if you want to; but then I'm gonna have to don my leather bikini, shave the sides of my head and get a big fuckin' pointy stick. It would help if I was black and crazy but, currently, science can only pigment to lighter shades a la MJ. Your call.

Posted by: admin at June 12, 2009 12:46 PM

There's no shame in liking Conan. But you have to admit that it is, in fact, campy stupid drivel.

The books, however, are quite well written.

This remake will be even worse campy stupid drivel. Hell, Pathfinder was one of the few movies I couldn't watch to the end.

Posted by: FabMax at June 12, 2009 1:34 PM

Me: Honey! Bring me a fucking flagon of ale, some bitches with snakes to dance for my pleasure, a pile of jewels to put below my feet and a sword as big as my torso!

Honey: No

Me: Fine. Bring me my conan the barbarian dvd.

Honey: No

Me: (in my best deep voice) Come to me, my child...your flesh is under my control.

Honey: Goodbye...freaking loser.

Me: Damn! Conan would never have to deal with this shit.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 12, 2009 1:37 PM

admin:

MMMMMM. Leather bikini. A Cimmerian's only weakness.

Posted by: boo at June 12, 2009 1:38 PM

Comment 2

Imagine poor real-life arnold dealing with a 21 billion dollars deficit and a messed up system. I wonder if it would make him feel better or worse to watch young-sexy arnold raping and pillaging the countryside in CTB?

Is it wrong that part of me wants him to go insane and attack the state legislatures with a broadsword?

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at June 12, 2009 1:40 PM

luker:

That is never wrong.

Posted by: boo at June 12, 2009 1:54 PM

There is nothing campy about CTB. The destroyer and references thereto keep getting thrown around and that is fucked up. The destroyer is campy drivel and is in no way related to barbarian (except for the title character and main actor)and shouldn't be allowed to sully the good name of Conan (he who would become king by his own hand).

Posted by: Handel at June 12, 2009 3:12 PM

how much do you want to bet that Valeria gets turned into a stupid bitch. My favorite part of the original Conan is their relationship, completely equal in their ass kicking and taking names.

Maybe Vin Diesel could be Conan, but honestly I think that the Rock has the heft/darkness for the part.

I am glad Ratner is not a part of this, I hate him so much it hurts.

Posted by: Mebe at June 12, 2009 5:01 PM

Also Conan is fucking awesome. It is well done, it is not camp. All of the actors deliver, the story is good ole fashioned revenge, there is a good love story, good action, awesome one liners, Arnold being a complete badass. Haters need to back up, cause I will go after a bitch that doesn't respect Conan and the riddle of steal.

Fo reals, James Earl Jones being creepy and evil, the Wizard, the snakes, the religious cult... The more I type the more I want to watch the movie. Which thanks to TIVO, I am going to do right now.

Posted by: Mebe at June 12, 2009 5:11 PM

I meant to say that I DO NOT think that the Rock has the darkness for the part. I like him and all but I just don't think that he is right.

Vin Diesel on the other hand, he can do dark. Was I the only one who was reminded of Conan's throne at the end of Riddick?

Posted by: Mebe at June 12, 2009 5:14 PM

No, Mebe, you weren't the only one.

Do they really need an "actor" though? I mean how many speaking lines does Arnold even have in the original movie? Were those even delivered well? If they stick to the original idea I think some random WWE dude, maybe Triple H, should play Conan (just make sure he doesn't talk), and then fill in the rest of the cast with actual actors...although he would have to fight other WWE guys/body builders. Can you imagine The Big Show as the dude with the giant hammer? Priceless!!!

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 12, 2009 6:40 PM

I'm just trying to figure out Dustin's opinion of the CHUD guy...

And Conan is awesome (I have it on DVD!). That is all.

Posted by: Cody at June 12, 2009 8:03 PM

Didn't see Conan? Let me tell you of the days of HIGH adventure...

Posted by: Dave at June 13, 2009 2:43 PM

Conan the Barbarian was good ol' fashioned pulpy, not campy. C'mon people, you might as well call Indiana Jones "campy"!

Posted by: Jesse M. at June 13, 2009 5:40 PM

go to Youtube..Drasko Andjic Conan Casting..he is the man for new Conan,only man on earth who can replace Arnold

Posted by: ralf at June 16, 2009 6:22 PM

Drasko Andjic is the man for mighty barbarian,he is new Conan

Posted by: Victor at June 17, 2009 7:37 PM

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