tony.jpg
A Taste of Next Year's Horrible Horror Movies

This Picture Will Be the Best Part of this Post / TK

Trade News | November 20, 2009 | Comments (36)

Yesterday I unveiled my newest invention, the The Schmaltz-O-Cheezinator 7000™. Today, I bring you the next step in its evolution, the Horror-DerivaClichemaster 5™. Same basic premise, only this time, it spits out cheesy, uninspired horror movies.

First up? One By One, which “follows a villain named Railroad Jack the Reaper and his carnival of destruction called Death’s Door. When a bus carrying a group of teens crashes on a deserted highway, Railroad Jack picks them off one by one.” So, a little bit House of 1000 Corpses, a little bit of Jeepers Creepers (underrated flick, by the way), and a whole lotta nothin’. The cast is one of the more bizarre ones — Sally Krikland joins Douglas Tait (a stuntman who recently starred in Star Trek as “Long Faced Bar Alien” and as a Sleestak in the putrid Land of the Lost remake), and horror icon Tony motherfuckin’ Todd.

I fucking love Tony Todd. He’s been in about 3 good movies, but I still love the sonofabitch. In fact, his involvement all but guarantees that I’ll see this. It’s the first film to come out of new production company Kilo Entertainment, and will be produced and directed by its founder, Kimberly Seilhamer

Next, we have Brittany Murphy who did not, as I may have hoped, fall through a black hole into oblivion. She’ll be starring in another incredibly creatively titled picture, The Caller. A shiny nickel and a kick to the crotch to whoever can outline the plot without reading any further.

The Caller stars Murphy as a “troubled divorcée, Mary Kee, who begins to receive mysterious phone calls from an unknown caller and she quickly begins to feel haunted in her own home. When she discovers that the person is calling from the past, Mary realizes that she will have to kill her in order to survive but how do you kill someone living in the past and what will happen if she fails.” You want to know what will happen if she fails? Nothing. Because that idea is moronic. And casting Brittany Murphy? Also moronic. Remember the last good movie she made? ME NEITHER. BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.

Anyway, it’s part The Lake House, part When A Stranger Calls, and part oh fuck me why do I do this to myself? Matthew Parkhill will direct the film for Alcove Entertainment. Stephen Moyer (Bill from “True Blood”) and Luis Guzman will co-star. Luis, dude…

[shakes head]

I’ll see you all in Hell.


← Dark Void Movie | Jackass 3D →



Comments

The Caller sounds like Sorry, Wrong Number if The Lake House took a shit on it.

Posted by: stardust at November 19, 2009 7:42 PM

Hey, uh, how come this post wasn't here this morning, but it's all the way down here? (Or maybe I was just dumb this morning.)

Anyway, Tony Todd has a lifetime pass of awesomeness, laminated, with glitter. (Unfortunately the cash value of the lifetime pass is 1/20 of a cent, which is why he has to keep making these shitty movies to pay the bills.)

While I agree that Brittany Murphy could get sucked into a black hole and I wouldn't shed a tear, she has been in one good movie: Clueless. "You're just a virgin who can't drive!"

Posted by: MM at November 19, 2009 7:46 PM

Don't fool yourself: that picture would be the best part of most posts.

Posted by: boo at November 20, 2009 10:03 AM

And now that I have read said post:

Ugh.

Moving on...

TK: Have you seen Thirst?

Posted by: boo at November 20, 2009 10:06 AM

The only way Stephen Moyer could make the movie interesting is if he used his real voice, instead of his Batman Bill voice. He's positively charming when he's gettin' his British on.

Posted by: Snath at November 20, 2009 10:08 AM

And casting Brittany Murphy? Also moronic. Remember the last good movie she made? ME NEITHER. BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.

_________________

"8 Mile"

Boom.

Posted by: Kballs at November 20, 2009 10:13 AM

The horror IS the movie.

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 20, 2009 10:21 AM

Excellent headline.

"Batman Bill". Ha!

Posted by: Jay at November 20, 2009 10:23 AM

You know that scene in "Home Alone" where John Candy's polka player is telling Catherine O'Hara's mom about his band? "'Polka Polka Polka'?" And she looks at him baffled and asks, "These are songs?"

These are movies?

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 20, 2009 10:24 AM

The Guz! He makes every movie better.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 20, 2009 10:27 AM

"How do you kill that wich has no life?"

Posted by: Magiel at November 20, 2009 10:30 AM

Why is it always a group of teenagers? Middle-aged folks and seniors deserve to be victims too!

Jeepers Creepers is awesome. The sequel was fun but less scary (love that the monster can regurgitate a new head for himself). When a Stranger Calls is utter crap. I caught it on TV once and the whole movie consisted of:

--phone ringing, girl looking nervous/scared
--girl listening and then putting receiver down slowly in horror
--girl slowly sitting down as she contemplates latest phone call
--LOUD NOISE, girl jumps. Repeat.

Hatchet is a great, relatively recent horror flick, and Tony Todd's cameo is fabulous. Plus the dude was Worf's brother! How can you NOT love him?

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 20, 2009 10:32 AM

The last time I saw Brittany Murphy she looked like a melted down Bratz Doll. How does making me puke in my mouth lead to ticket sales?

Posted by: jM at November 20, 2009 10:35 AM

jM

Would that be THIS Brittany Murphy?

mysecondjournal.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/brittany-murphy-014.jpg

Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 20, 2009 10:39 AM

No. More like this Brittany Murphy.

Posted by: jM at November 20, 2009 10:47 AM

Sadly that is NOT the Brittany Murphy of today. The Brittany Murphy of "Trixie" is gone, gone, gone.

Posted by: Jay at November 20, 2009 10:49 AM

3 words:

DROP
DEAD
GORGEOUS

'nuff said.

Posted by: Commander Strikeher at November 20, 2009 10:51 AM

Why is it always a group of teenagers? Middle-aged folks and seniors deserve to be victims too!

How would you do a chase scene, Bessie? Two steps, they fall and break a hip, stab stab, scene.

Actually, I'd watch that.

Posted by: admin at November 20, 2009 10:59 AM

Remember the last good movie she made? ME NEITHER. BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.

Obviously you never saw Drive.

Posted by: Undead Abomination #768921 (formerly Vermillion) at November 20, 2009 11:29 AM

I'd watch that too, admin! I'd like to see some folks who can't outrun the psycho 'cause they're too damn old, and they have to get creative with their canes and walkers and blood pressure meds and denture adhesives.

Posted by: DeadBessie at November 20, 2009 11:52 AM

Brittany Murphy hasn't done anything good recently, but she does have Freeway, Clueless and King of the Hill in her arsenal.

Posted by: Samanthrax at November 20, 2009 11:55 AM

Oooh, Samanthrax, good call on Freeway, she was pretty amazing in that. Actually, old Brittany Murphy was kind of awesome. What the fuck happened? Maybe they accidently sucked out her brain during all that plastic surgery. This movie sounds like it blows moose balls.

Posted by: Katers at November 20, 2009 12:15 PM

admin and DeadBessie:

May I refer you to one Bubba Ho-Tep for some geriatric ass kicking of a mummy? Yes? Fabulous.

Posted by: boo at November 20, 2009 12:19 PM

Brittany Murphy was best when she was hiding chicken skeletons under her bed in Girl Interrupted. "A walk-in chicken" indeed!

Posted by: James at November 20, 2009 12:22 PM

May I refer you to one Bubba Ho-Tep

It makes me sad that that movie is probably still obscure.

TCB.

Posted by: Jay at November 20, 2009 12:28 PM

No arguments today. These sound awful.

Last good Brittany Murphy film: Sin City. Check and mate.

Posted by: Robert at November 20, 2009 12:57 PM

Chiming in on the Jeepers Creepers love. Well shot, well paced, and no sucker ending. Good horror flick.

Posted by: Smokin at November 20, 2009 1:30 PM

Last good Brittany Murphy film: Sin City.

Little did we know, eh?

Posted by: Jay at November 20, 2009 1:38 PM

Every time you do one of those "It sounds like a mix between (movie) and (movie)", you always do something with Keanu Reeves.

"It sounds like a mix between The Matrix and whatever."

"It sounds like a mix between Point Break and whatever."

"It sounds like a mix between Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey and whatever."

Whatever. You love him.

Posted by: superasente at November 20, 2009 2:00 PM

Beaten, but Drive is so good it deserves repeating. And Tony Todd was awesome in Sabotage. Hmmm...both Drive and Sabotage starred Mark Dacascos. Coincidence? I think not!

Posted by: Adam C at November 20, 2009 3:53 PM

Spun, anyone? Britney Murphey, Jason Schwartzman, Mickey Rourke, John Leguizamo, and Mena Suvari. Excellent cast and really a wonderful movie. Also, the Salton Sea is along those lines and I'd highly recommend it as a druggie movie with morality.

/ps, I never knew how crazy of a fucking crackhead Mena Suvari can play. Hats off girl ;p

Link to Spun on IMDB

Posted by: Trey at November 20, 2009 4:06 PM

This has been such a tremendous year for horror movies. To the point that I've actually become a legitimate fan of the genre.

2010 will be the end of that, it seems.

Also: Bubba Ho-Tep fans, prequel Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires is really happening.

Posted by: Chad at November 20, 2009 7:52 PM

Tony Todd makes everything more awesome. If we could pair him with Jason Statham? My head would explode. Think about it.

Posted by: greer at November 20, 2009 8:16 PM

Brittany Murphy was hi-fuckin-larious in Clueless and Drop Dead Gorgeous. And should have been shot into the sun when she finished making those films.

Posted by: chriso at November 22, 2009 4:42 PM

“troubled divorcée, Mary Kee, who begins to receive mysterious phone calls from an unknown caller and she quickly begins to feel haunted in her own home. When she discovers that the person is calling from the past, Mary realizes that she will have to kill her in order to survive but how do you kill someone living in the past and what will happen if she fails.”

Where did you source this from, TK? Is this an actual piece of writing from someone who gets paid to do this sort of thing? Like, from a press release or something? Because it's fucking horrendous.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at November 22, 2009 8:08 PM

Brittany Murphy was a great actress, a kick in the crotch to you for saying otherwise. RIP Brittany.

Posted by: Jordan at December 20, 2009 7:24 PM





Post a comment

 (required)

 (required)


Preview of your comment: