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Lorenzo di Bonaventura Brings the Sexy Dead People Back

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (18)

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Dear Hollywood —

Take your head out of our fucking asses. A Pet Sematary remake? Really? Twenty-two years was all you could hold out, huh? Fuck it. Why not. What else have you got to do? Make an original movie with original characters? Pfft. That’s Bush league. Not when there’s a 25-year-old novel about bringing people back from the dead so you can sex them.

And is anyone surprised that Lorenzo di Bonaventura is behind this? After all, he brought us Transformers and G.I. Joe. The man lives in the past. Clearly, he can’t deal with the fact that he can’t come up with a new goddamn thought. So, what does he do? He trolls through his DVD collection, or a book shelf (not his own, since he doesn’t read — all those words and all) and he picks out the first title that grabs his attention.

This week it’s Stephen King’s Pet Semetary, a movie that wasn’t particularly good, and one that wasn’t particularly successful at the box office. But Lorenzo di Bonaventura, he’s a savvy man. Dumb as a motherfucker, but savvy. He understands that most of the youngin’s haven’t read the book (what with not reading) or even seen the movie (pre-1990 may as well be black and white to the kids). And he also knows he doesn’t even need to make a good movie. That’s what marketing is for, people! A couple of nice sequences for the trailer, a voice-over narrator who says, “From the demented mind of Stephen King,” and Mr. Lorenzo di Bonaventura banks a cool $50 million.

Lazy motherfucker.

At least he found a decent screenwriter: Matthew Greenberg, who wrote 1408. Oh wait, nevermind: He also wrote Reign of Fire and Halloween H20. He’s just a hacky hired hand. A di Bonaventura whipping boy. A paycheck humper.

Well, I hope he humps that green until his balls fall off.

(Source: THR)









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Comments

Ugh. Wonder how he'll work in exploding dead pets?

Posted by: Cindy at March 5, 2010 10:06 AM

Firecrackers, Cindy. Big ones. You stick them in the cat's ...

Um. Firecrackers. That's all I'm sayin'.

Posted by: ,, at March 5, 2010 10:15 AM

This is just all kinds of fucking lazy.

As a lifelong Stephen King reader, and sometimes apologist, I blanche at most "movie based on a Stephen King novel" news. So few hits. So many misses. It's not like his prose is overwrought or complex, yet creating a satisfying script and movie from his work is akin to hearing a humble acceptance speech from James Cameron.

And now talk of a remake? Godtopus, take me now!

Posted by: malikvlc at March 5, 2010 10:26 AM

Did he even watch the original movie? If so, then he should heed the advice given in the film: Dead is better.

Posted by: Gozer at March 5, 2010 10:26 AM

But why would you do this? That don't make no sense.

And, just for clarification, is he a dumb motherfucker or a lazy motherfucker?

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at March 5, 2010 10:30 AM

I always kind of liked the original Pet Semetary. That crazy-ass sister Zelda is one of the scarier people ever to grace the silver screen.

And that scene with the undead kid under the bed slashing achilles tendons with a straight razor? Yowza!

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at March 5, 2010 11:19 AM

As long as he keeps the Ramones' title track I'm in!

Posted by: Eric McPseudonym at March 5, 2010 11:37 AM

Pet Semetary is one of the few movies to truly horrify me. Creepy dead children. Leg-chewing zombies. Deranged, malformed siblings that you have to hide in the attic. Exposed brains. Cemeterys. Sliced Achilles tendons. Trucks. Cats. Tasha Yar.

They're going to fuck this up so bad. And it will cost me $10 to bitch about.

Posted by: superasente at March 5, 2010 11:50 AM

I knew we were going to get more shitty news today to balance out the news that the "Rome" movie is moving forward.

Posted by: Snath at March 5, 2010 11:52 AM

Ten bucks says he'll make it in 3-D.

Posted by: figgy at March 5, 2010 12:36 PM

Actually, figgy, that will be ten bucks plus a minimum of two-fifty surcharge for the 3-D.

Posted by: Drake at March 5, 2010 12:51 PM

C'mon now, Rowles, Rein of Fire kicked ass!

Posted by: dummy at March 5, 2010 12:55 PM

superasente, that was a pretty good rapid-fire summary of Pet Sematary. Kudos.

Pet Sematary is perfect as is in all its cheesy 80s glory. Having not read any Stephen King books that came out post-1990, I associate him and his oeuvre with awesome 70s & 80s cheese-tasticness.

Posted by: MM at March 5, 2010 1:03 PM

Dammit, superasente beat me to Tasha Yar! *shakes fist*

Posted by: Smokin at March 5, 2010 1:51 PM

They should remake Maximum Overdrive. I loved the original. It would be interesting to see a new version.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at March 5, 2010 2:33 PM

Dude, the original Pet Sematary freaked me out like nothin' else. That scene where he thinks he sees the car crash victim's ghost at the foot of his bed? And then he opens his eyes and the guy's gone? And then he rolls over and the guy's right there?

I threw my microwaved burrito across the room, I was so startled.

Posted by: Jelinas at March 5, 2010 6:01 PM

*picks up burrito*

I agree, that was terrifying.

*eats burrito*

Posted by: superasente at March 5, 2010 8:18 PM

The best part of "Pet Sematary" was the Ramones song. If they fuck with that, I will choke a bitch.

"I don't want to live my life again ..."

The King movies are usually better for their soundtracks. AC/DC got "Who Made Who?" out of "Maximum Overdrive" and it was way better than the movie ...

Hmm. I think I just wrote myself a diversion ...

Posted by: ,, at March 6, 2010 11:35 AM