Loony Anne Coulter Insists that 'Breaking Bad' Is a Christian Parable and that Jesse Pinkman Accepted Jesus

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Loony Anne Coulter Insists that 'Breaking Bad' Is a Christian Parable and that Jesse Pinkman Accepted Jesus

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | October 3, 2013 | Comments ()


Well, if Norm McDonald can conclude that the final episode of Breaking Bad was all a fantasy that played out in Walter White’s mind, and if Warren Ellis can suggest that Walter White died in the penultimate episode, and everything in the finale were the actions of Heisenberg, well, then I suppose that Anne Coulter is allowed her insane opinion, too. That opinion? That things ended badly for Skyler because she chose to love her son and husband more than God (tsk tsk), and that Jesse’s stint in “godless hippie rehab” was unsuccessful, but that in the end, he accepted Jesus, which is why he was able to forgive himself for the death of Jane.

The sweet, soulful druggie on “Breaking Bad,” Jesse Pinkman, illustrates — heartbreakingly — the monumental importance of the cross. Believing he is responsible for his girlfriend Jane’s death by overdose, Jesse goes to some godless hippie rehab center. Naturally, he is still unable to forgive himself.

Perfectly rationally, he concludes: “I learned it in rehab. It’s all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am. … I’m the bad guy.” He returns to cooking meth. Mayhem, murder and disaster ensue.

There’s only one thing in the world that ever could have allowed Jesse to forgive himself: The understanding that God sent his only son to die for Jesse’s sins, no matter how abominable. To not forgive himself after that would be an insult to God, dismissing what Jesus did on the cross as not such a big deal.

The meth cook’s wife, Skyler, illustrates why Scripture instructs us to flee evil and admonishes: “You shall have no other gods before me.” When Skyler discovers her husband is a meth cook, she stays with him, despite hating him for what he’s done. Eventually she becomes his partner in crime. It worked out badly for her.

The only explanation for Skyler’s decision to stay is that she still loves Walt and — as she tells her divorce lawyer — she is desperate to prevent her son from finding out his father is a meth cook. Her husband and son have become her “gods,” whom she values more than the one true God.

In such cases, Jesus does not mince words: “And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves a son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”


(Source: The Daily Caller)

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Josh

    I actually think its funny to attach that level of intense and serious religious meaning to a television show, because all the show creator has to do is say, "No, she is wrong, had nothing to do with Jesus." and her epiphany is completely invalidated. Its one thing to say that a serial killer in real life surrendered because he found Jesus, whether that is the reason at all, but quite another to attach it to a fictional character.

  • e jerry powell

    Ann Coulter is going to have an insane opinion whether she's allowed to or not. It's part of her job description.

  • Bananapanda

    Read Anne Coulter have a mental breakdown online.

  • I love how she uses the word "abominable" without the slightest hint of the irony.

  • George

    "In despair he finally wrote, “See Hebrews 13:8.”

  • dizzylucy

    I'm just stunned she watched a show made by Godless Hollywood liberals, and her brain didn't fall out. Oh wait...

  • Dumily

    Interesting post. I'm just going to file this away for later. Let's see, under F for "Fucks", subfolder "Fucks I Give", and . . . nope, wait there seems to be a problem. I've got no "Fucks I Give About What Ann Coulter Thinks." Sorry.

  • bastich

    Every time I read the phrase "meth cook", I pictured this guy:

  • emmalita

    You have such a special brain. <3

  • Jiffylush

    I will go ahead and say "how is this news", she said something "controversial" about something popular to get press and it worked.

    But I would like to add that this is by far the least offensive thing she has ever said, and I am including the hate filled torrent of epithets used when she ordered coffee this morning.

  • Fredo

    Jesse simply accepted he had a need. A need...for speed!

    /drops mic

    //shows self out

  • Guest

    Didn't she also say the finale was about the importance of having a gun? https://twitter.com/AnnCoulter... Bitch is CRAZY.

  • southworth

    There's also one thing about the finale that bugged me. If you look closely at Walt's fake ID when he shows it to the waitress in the first flash forward, the picture is one the vacuum cleaner guy took of him when he still had a bald head and goatee. This is a local Denny's. Walt's face has been plastered EVERYWHERE over the last few months. This waitress didn't recognize a local national fugitive?


  • southworth

    One issue with that Norm MacDonald theory. Well, two. One: it's wrong, obviously. Two, there's a concrete inconsistency there. Everything else Walt could have made up in his head, but one thing he DIDN'T know was that Jesse was being kept as a slave. That was new information Walt did not know until he saw him with his own eyes. He thought he was partnered with the Nazis and was going to kill him. He couldn't have concocted the slave thing in a fantasy unless he was having some kind of magical out of body experience. So... wrong.


  • RTRR

    Those who agree with Norm will say Walt could've figured it out when he saw the Charlie Rose report and found out the blue was back. The bigger smoking gun that 100% disproves Norm's theory is that Skyler tells Walt in the final episode that some men came to the house and threatened her if she told anyone about Lydia. This is something that Walt couldn't possibly know or subsequently fantasize about.

  • Jerce

    Alternate title:
    Ann Coulter Puts On Blackface, Smears Pudding in Her Hair and Blats the Word "Jesus" So People Will Notice Her for Five Minutes

  • dizzylucy

    Otherwise known as "Thursday" in Coulter-Land.

  • kirbyjay

    I can hear Jesse now

  • emmalita

    If he bothered, or maybe he just gave her the dead eye stare he learned from Mike.

  • I refuse to believe that Ann Coulter allows herself to be distracted by popular culture.

    Honestly, I think of her spending her off hours sitting in a meditation sphere like Darth Vader used in Empire - dreaming up new ways to antagonize people.

  • DenG

    Right, Coulter. You're supposed to preach, heal, cleanse, raise the dead and cast out devils. But I know you won't give up your riches or designer shoes on this sacred journey.
    Mark 6:7-13 (also Luke 9:1-6)
    9Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, 10Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his meat.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Come on Ann - Jesse IS Jesus, don't you see? Walt just resurrected him!

  • IngridToday

    What does that make Todd?

  • Marc Greene


  • Guest


  • Al Borland's Beard

    So, Breaking Bad is the darkest, most fucked up after school special ever?

  • bastich

    ...or one extremely long Chick tract....

  • NateMan

    Well I think that was obvious from the start.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    This whole "loving God more than family" thing is completely new and befuddling to me. I saw it at a few weddings this past summer and I'm seeing it now with this quote. Now, I don't have a family, but hell if I'm gonna love some giant cloud monster over them.

  • Maguita NYC

    Didn't Abraham sacrifice his son to prove love to his god..?
    Oi, they're trying to actually practice what they preach. Up next, nailing your unruly child's ear to the door.

  • Berry

    Almost sacrificed his own son. Here's basically how it went down:

    First God was like "Abraham, dude, I need you to sacrifice your own son to me, to prove you're all faithful and shit."
    And then Abraham was like "Aww, man, do I have to? Well, okay then, I guess."
    Abraham and Isaac (the son in question) hike up a mountain, where Abraham sets about bleeding and burning his own son, but then God pipes up again and he's all like "Psych! Dude, I was totally just testing you, here, sacrifice this succulent young goat instead."

    The End

    PS. Those are direct quotes from the King James' Bible, by the way. Swear to God.

  • bastich

    Next time on "Berry Bible Fellowship":

    "Book of Job: Dude, The Lord is Harshing My Buzz"

  • Berry

    "Aww, man, Lord, some givething would be nice FOR A CHANGE."

  • Maguita NYC

    Ah yes, it has been so long since Bible study.

    And so... The nailing of unruly children's ears to the door, got anything on that oh wise Berry?

  • Berry

    Sadly, no, other than it sounds painful.

  • emmalita

    And messy and bad for the door. Plus the neighbors will complain. Godless hippies.

  • NateMan

    Yeah. Anyone who picks their God over their kid - and there sure are a lot of them - are the epitome of scumbag.

  • Zombienurse

    Well, just to play devil's (or in this case God's) advocate, it doesn't exactly mean that you ignore your family and spend all day locked in a closet praying.

    Christians are taught that they need to take care of their families (and neighbors, and strangers) and they believe that by following God's teachings, they will know the right things to do to take care of them. So by saying "love God more than your family" it's just a way to say that you aren't letting anyone - including your family - lead you in the wrong direction and ergo cause you to make bad decisions.

    I know that anyone who doesn't believe in God will still think that's weird, but at least you can be assured that it doesn't mean anything bad.

  • PDamian
  • emmalita

    The winner in the 'picture worth ten thousand words' category.

  • NateMan

    I firmly believe Ann Coulter is the newest incarnation of
    Nyarlathotep. It's clear that in today's America an Egyptian pharoah cannot properly seize the minds of our rulers. The Crawling Chaos has come back in a new, more appealing form - at least to those fat, pasty, conservative white men who desire a hatchet-faced thunder twat to rule their flaccid little penii. Decades from now, when the Crawling Chaos finally returns to the void, its body will be exhumed from its tomb, surrounded by the drained and gnawed bodies of its victims, and the autopsy will demonstrate the first legitimate case of vagina dentata ever.

  • zeke_the_pig

    I'm the staunchest atheist there is, but Ann Coulter's shark-eyes are almost enough to get me turn to Jesus to deliver me from the basement blackness of the gaping abyss glimpsed therein.

  • Maguita NYC

    Anne fucking Coulter once more made it possible for the media to remind us of her existence, and have us quite unfortunately talk about her.

  • NateMan

    It's how it sustains its life force. It feeds not only on our morbid fascination but our loathing, our fear. It prowls the wastes of the Internet, seeping into our minds via light that is a wave, a particle, and a tentacle. It's like the dirtiest Japanese hentai you could possibly imagine. And it doesn't use protection.

  • Maguita NYC

    The word Hentai elicits such extreme reactions of utter distaste and revulsion, that only the name Anne Coulter could stasis its abhorrence in my disappointment that not only she is of my gender, but actually is considered of human race.

    Vile piece of dehumanizing repugnant stool waste.

  • NateMan

    Worry not, Maguita. It isn't your gender. It has no gender, nor sexuality, because it isn't human, nor alien. It is merely Other, the primordial ooze from which the universe spawned, senient and hateful afterbirth of creation.

  • Maguita NYC

    The Blobfish, ugliest animal as voted by scientists the world over, is actually disgusted by that creature's existence.

  • IngridToday

    The Blobfish is the Eeroye of the sea world.

  • Berry

    I feel so sorry for the poor little blobfish. Look at that face! Clearly it just wants to be loved.

  • bastich

    It looks like it's concerned about me. I feel like I've done something to disappoint it.

  • Berry

    It's not you, specifically. It's the whole human race. The blobfish is just not that happy with us right now.

  • bastich

    I expect them to eventually just send us a note saying "so long, and thanks for all the fish", then just disappear....

    ...then we're screwed.

  • Maguita NYC

    Some funny Pajiban had actually called him Ziggy. :D

  • NateMan

    That's because we share more DNA, more similarity of existence, and more humanity with the blobfish than we do the Crawling Chaos Coulter. Its anatomy is more akin to a tarball, its sentience fueled only by contempt and hunger.


  • Maguita NYC

    Congratulations sir! You have imaged the nauseous repugnance the name Anne Fucking Coulter actually evokes in my whole being.

  • Wōđanaz Óðinn

    As someone from the old world, where we have our fair share of fuckwits, I find it genuinely difficult to discern whether this is real fuckwittery or an excellently played troll. Considering the reaction here, I'm leaning towards the latter.

    But yous have form, with the gays cleansing earthquakes and all, so I'm not 100%.

  • emmalita

    Anne Coulter is both a professional fuckwit and a professional troll. She inserts herself into conversations and says a bunch of shit to get a reaction and then basks in the outrage.

  • Berry

    I don't know exactly how to express this, but as a faithless heathen, who has nevertheless experienced first hand some of the unconditional love many Christians have for their fellow travelers, I can't help but see a huge chasm between Coulter's supposed faith, and how she actually lives her life and relates to other people. (Sidenote: run-on sentences ROCK.) Therefore it's very hard for me to take her Christianity at face value. It just seems like part of the overall hard-line conservative outfit that she sees fit to wear. It's probably very bad of me to doubt someone else's faith based on nothing but a vague feeling, but there you have it.

  • emmalita

    When did she become a Christian? I haven't listened to her in 15 - 20 years, but I don't remember Christianity being her thing back then. I think it's like the little American flag lapel pin.

  • Berry

    I became aware of her existence only maybe five years ago, and by then she was definitely already all "Christian", so I don't know...

    And I also kind of hate that I am aware of her existence, we have our own fuckwits here in the old world too, and they need my loathing as well.

  • e jerry powell

    When she started hanging out with gay quislings in West Hollywood, I tried to will her out of existence, but no such luck. Then she got onto the Dallas edition of that abominable gay Real Housewives clone, and I found myself trying to will an earthquake to drive the entire city into the earth's core. Again, no such luck.

  • Berry

    Well, keep trying. You never know, maybe one of these days...

  • BlackRabbit

    Also, she is difficult to kill unless you use fire.

  • emmalita

    I tried that, it just made her younger. We need a supernatural fire that can't be extinguished.

  • Wōđanaz Óðinn

    Thanks. Hadn't come across this particular one before. Looks like some piece of work.

    It must be the next step in the "evolution" of the fuckwit. Self-awareness.

    Good for them I say. It was pretty entertaining gibberish.
    As long they don't have the ability to make decisions on my behalf, let them rant away.

  • emmalita

    I'd be happy to point and mock at the inane gibberish, but sadly, fuckwit trolls like this got their own channel, and a lot of money behind them. Our current congress is a direct result of the mutated fuckwit troll. Their monuments are not statues but destroyed statues. Look on their works ye mighty and despair.

    Edited for accuracy. Thanks e jerry powell.

  • e jerry powell

    I wouldn't be so generous as to call them "evolved."

  • emmalita


  • e jerry powell

    That's a better choice, yes.

  • Wōđanaz Óðinn

    I see. So it's something that should best dealt with an industrial strength spray.

    I was thinking it was like *begin analogy* a drunk on the back of the bus, shouting at the driver but *amend analogy* this drunk has the means to not only drive his own bus but wants all buses to be drunk driven as a requirement.

    Not something that should be taken lightly. I will let yous sort it out though as it's a problem that, to me, seems far more insidious than I'd originally imagined.

    Best of luck!

  • emmalita

    Thanks! We need it. We should have used the industrial spray when they started showing up in the 1990's, but we laughed at them instead. Now they've over run the place and we might have to burn the it all to the ground just to get rid of them. I'd flee to the old world, but I've read history books and believe them to be true.

  • Lauren_Lauren

    Wrong, bitch!

  • the other courtney

    I've read enough scripture to say, with fair certainty, that if Jeaus ever met ACoulter he would open-palm slap her on behalf of humanity.

  • Bodhi

    I doubt she'd recognize him since he'd look *gasp* Middle Eastern.

  • e jerry powell

    Perhaps even *gasp* (African).

    Like that episode of "Good Times" where J.J. made a painting of Ned the Wino as Jesus.

  • IngridToday

    Have you even gotten into a debate with hard-core Christians that Jesus was Middle Eastern? It's hilarious.

  • Wigamer

    I'm not sure he'd stop anybody from stoning her, either.

  • Wigamer

    Nope. Nopenopenope.

  • stella


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