Like, OMG! Pajiba is Sooo Fetch
The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Trade News | April 20, 2007 | Comments (84)
Like, OMG! So, I was, like, you know, driving to school this morning in the totally awesome Hummer my Dad bought me for my Sweet Sixteen party (it was so rad — Fergie was there. And Peyton Manning. And this random guy totally felt me up on the dance floor, which was so great! — he was, like, 35, and looked like an older Shia LaBeouf and he totally tweaked my nips) and I was stuck in traffic, you know, so I started painting my nails (“I’m Not Really a Waitress” Shimmer Nail Polish!!!) and then, I look over in the passenger’s seat, and I find the trade magazine that, like, this guy left in my car the other day (long story — I met him at the premiere of Nanny Diaries and I thought he was a studio hottie, but it turned out he was just some skeevy freakshow from Ain’t It Cool News; thank god, I only let him get to third base), so I was thumbing through it, and I totally found out they were making a movie with, like, the Best. Title. Evar! It’s called, B.F.F. and I sooo can’t wait to see it. I’m going to take my B.F.F., Tiffany, to the premiere, and maybe we’ll even see that skeevy guy again (I’ll be, like, WGF? But I’ll only let him go down on me once and that’s it!). So, like, the movie is all about this nerdy freshman guy and a popular 9th grade chick, who are like friends (as if) and, like, fall in love and everything over the course of high school, and it totally sounds like this awesome movie my Dad made me watch once; I think it was called Pretty Pink Stuff or something really hoo-ha sounding, and it was totally fetch, cause it starred that old guy from, like, my second favorite show ever, “Three Men and a Half Dude,” and that guy with the weird chin, who I totally hooked up with last year at the beach. Anyway, so this B.F.F. movie is written by, like, this husband and wife (Chad Gomez Creasey and Dara Resnik Creasey), who also are writers on a show called, “Studio 60 and the Sunset Strip,” which I watched once cause I wanted to see if it was fat Chandler or skinny Chandler and OMG! It was, like, Whoa! Deep! It, like, made me see the whole world through different sunglasses, you know? Like, my head was spinning for, like, a week, and then I realized that I’d been taking my little brother’s Ritalin instead of my Prozac. And OMG! What at trip. LMAO! (HEY SHIA! IF YOU READ THIS CAN YOU PLEASE EMAIL ME COS YOU ARE MY NUMBA 1 FAN AND UR So FUCKIN SEXC AND BOOTIFUL I LOVE U AND I MYSM XOXOXOXOXOX UMMMM I WOULD LOVE TO HERE FROM YOU IT WOULD MAKE MY WORLD LOVE YA).
OK. I’m done with that — I think my valley girl impression is still stuck somewhere in 1994. My apologies. Let’s move on. In other news, New Line has picked up the rights to a film entitled, Mancation, which is about ” a man who thinks marriage has robbed his younger brother of his manhood and drags him on a testosterone-filled ‘mancation’ to help him get it back. OMG i love it 2 bits. like any1 whoz kool would like it. its the best! …. Damnit. I had a little left in me. Sorry about that. So, yeah, “testosterone-filled mancation”? What does that entail, anyway? Sex with power tools? Flatulating on one another’s head? Deer hunting and NASCAR? Will it involve men sticking inanimate objects into their asses? Because, really, I’ve had enough of that. I don’t care to see it anymore. Moving along …
… MGM is remaking Fame for a summer 2008 release. According to the studio, they already have an unspecified writer and director on board, and they plan to keep a few of the same songs, while updating the rest of the film for a new generation (see above). I have every belief that the remake will suck, but I have to admit that I don’t remember much about the original. I’ve attempted to block it from my memory, as it indirectly played into my teenaged discovery that my father was a big screaming queen. I’ll just say it was an awkward day, and leave it at that.
And speaking of dancing queens, (how’s that for a segue, Dan?), Christine Baranski, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried, Stellan Skarsgard, and Julie Walters have all been booked to star in the big-screen adaptation of the ABBA musical, Mamma Mia. Yes, that goddamn Broadway and off-Broadway production that you all managed to avoid for years until your parents came to town one weekend and you had nothing better to do than to take them to see it (it was either that, or Shear Madness, right?), will now be featured on 3,000 screens around the country. I think I’ll go see Mancation, instead.
In the box-office round-up: Disturbia was the number one film over the weekend, scoring a tidy $22 million opening (omg shia laboof is just so fuckin sexc he is ssssssssssoooooooooooooooo fine be my #1 babe tell all all thsse bitchs to f off). Perfect Strangers debuted at number two and I’ve already forgotten what it was about; Pathfinder kicked another $5 million into the box-office kitty, while three other releases, Redline, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and Slow Burn all failed to crack the top 10 (in fact, Slow Burn failed to break $800,000 — averaging less than $700 per theater).
This weekend, we have four new wide releases and, hopefully, a couple of indie features to review. The big one here is Simon Pegg’s latest, Hot Fuzz, which better fucking rock, because I’m going to need something after sitting through the Braffian In the Land of Women starring the Chrismukkah guy (adam bordy would wanna do it wis me cuz im sxc, im cute, popular to boot, bitchin, great hair, da bois all luv to stare, im wif it im hott, im everythin ur not — stop it! Get out of my head, already!). Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale will star in Vacancy, and I look forward to the many puns the title will inspire at all the major newspapers (the NYTimes already has “Checking In and Not Checking Out”), and finally Fracture will also be unleashed on 2400 theaters, and I will see it for one reason only: Ryan Gosling.
Lastly, in the trailer watch, they attached the preview for Neil Gaiman’s Stardust to Disturbia last weekend, and since I’m not the site’s huge Gaiman fan (that’d be the TV Whore), I’m not going to weigh in with an opinion. Just check it out, and see for yourself. And what say you, Seth? [What say I is said in a comment below. — Seth] Girl-crush Michelle Pfeiffer and author-crush, Neil Gaiman, involved in the same film. Too bad it looks like … ah, nevermind.
Comments
Posted by: Shaggy at April 20, 2007 9:13 AM
It's like my IQ fluctuated while reading this. An intricately-woven intelligence roller-coaster. Bravo.