Let's Take a Tour: News From Around the Old World

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Let's Take a Tour: News From Around the Old World

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | February 19, 2013 | Comments ()


Some of it is bad news, some of it is good, but rest assured everyone involved in any way wants to come to America and take your jerb. Today, we will take a whirlwind tour through the trade news of the other hemisphere, the one us colonists always tend to neglect.

First stop is Russia by way of our old friend Britain, both lands of tea, soccer, and royal hemophilia. The BBC is adapting Tolstoy's War and Peace into a six hour miniseries, which sounds like a lot until you remember that the book is so dense that six hours will be about enough time to give each character about 30 seconds of screen time. Tolstoy actually published up to a dozen different drafts of the novel, which included a couple of completely different endings. Now if this was America, we might have people vote on an ending, but the Brits will probably do something classy like following literary precedent or some such. Boom. Europe down.

Now, let's look to Asia. You might recall that during the nineties, Titanic was a monumental success in China. I know academics who were in China during the year that Titanic hit who still can't hear Celine Dion without collapsing into a seizure. Well, a Chinese company has built a replica of the Titanic that is set to sail in 2016, with some fans being quoted as being willing to pay up to a million dollars for a ticket. The ship will sail the exact same route as the original Titanic, but thanks to global warming isn't too worried about hitting an iceberg this time around. I guess we'll need to use torpedoes this time.

Next, let's talk Africa, South Africa to be specific. Reeva Steenkamp, a model, law school graduate, and star of a new reality television show called "Tropika Treasure Hunt" was shot to death last week on Valentine's Day by her boyfriend, Oscar Pistorius, who made the Olympics as a runner despite not having legs. Let me visual aid that for you:


So, the cyborg apocalypse has begun in South Africa.

Last continent in the Eastern Hemisphere is Australia. The only news from there are snakes and spiders.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    While saving that picture, I noticed that it was called 'Map of the world 2' and felt wistful at the fact that I've heard so little from Jane Siberry as of late.

  • Mrs. Julien

    She and Mimi are on the beach.

  • Sad democrat

    I'm just thrilled that the blue freaks category reaches into part of NC. If only that were still accurate.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    " I know academics who were in China during the year that Titanic hit who
    still can’t hear Celine Dion without collapsing into a seizure."

    I know I can't. And I've never been to China.

  • Frank Booth

    Where can a large sized copy of this map be found.?..it's hilarious

  • Uriah_Creep
  • emmelemm

    Thank you!

  • Jannymac

    I agree, please share link!!! Thanks.

  • ViciousTrollop

    I generally don't trust South Africans because one of them came to Canada and stole my boyfriend 10 years ago. True story.

  • Mrs. Julien

    My BFFs parents came to Canada from South Africa so I am more likely to trust them. It's the groovy accent.

  • Australia is the most poisonous land in the world - it's amazing the people are so good-natured.

    Has anyone seen Oscar Pistorius and Sharlto Copely in the same room? District 9 is real.

  • hippyherb

    I used to be good natured. Then I found Pajiba, and I saw the light.
    Thank you.

  • Return of Santitas

    Man, I don't know if you did this intentionally, but thank you for foregrounding Reeva's name. This is how the headlines about this story should read. I understand why they don't, I really do. Oscar Pistorius is a huge star in his own country and internationally (see: Olympics and cyborgs). But it irks the shit out of me to see Reeva Steenkamp reduced to a footnote in the story of her murder. As are many victims when their killer is a celebrity (http://www.crunkfeministcollec.... Fuck that shit. Thanks for being awesome.

  • Maguita NYC

    Absolutely agree. I remember how that football player after shooting his girlfriend (Kasandra Perkins I believe) 9 times committed suicide not long ago was glorified in the news. In some outlets, the murdered girlfriend was made to look like the instigator, and thus, the cause of both deaths.


  • PaddyDog

    Can anyone hear Celine Dion without having a seizure?

  • Salieri2

    René Angélil, presumably?

  • Kathleen Allen

    or at the very least praying for one to come along and distract you.

  • zeke_the_pig

    NO snakes and spiders. Now that would be news for Australia.

  • Maguita NYC

    Because there was no coffee this morning, and I was late for work. Also, spiders.


  • Fabius_Maximus

    Fuck you.

    Thank the gods the video is blocked here.

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