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Let's Take a Sweet and Innocuous Daniel Radcliffe Interview and Twist It Into Something Offensive and Condescending!

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | June 4, 2013 | Comments ()


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My thoughts about a Daniel Radcliffeinterview published People Magazine.

Even though the former Harry Potter star, 23, doesn't know "when or who" he'll have a baby with, he insists he "definitely" wants to have kids.

"I'd like to get started on it before my thirties," he tells Time Out: London magazine in its issue coming out on June 4. "I like the idea of being a youngish parent so I've got energy to play football even though they'll be better than me by the time they're four."

What the hell is this, Radcliffe? A dig against older parents? You don't think a parent in his or her late 30s or 40s has enough energy to kick a ball around? That's a pretty ageist thing to say. There are plenty of older parents who are capable of playing football with their kids without their goddamn walkers getting in the way.

And what's this about a four year old being better than you are at soccer? That's a fairly presumptuous thing to say. I know you think you're coming off as self deprecating, but in reality, you're making an assumption that -- just because the kid comes from the magical loins of Harry Potter -- he's going to be more athletically inclined that most four year olds. I have a five year old, Radcliffe, and I assure you that you're better than him at soccer. Does that make your theoretical four-year-old child better than mine? You smug prick.

Speaking of football, Radcliffe says he's "definitely going to be one of those parents who pushes their kids into things" - namely, sports, "not the film industry."

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't you let your child choose in which direction he wants to go? From what I understand about parenting -- and that's not a lot, since I only have three kids -- it's important to let your children follow their own paths. Why would you even limit them to sports or the film industry? There's nothing wrong with a doctor or a barrister, or even a barista. The important thing is to love your child no matter what.

You've got a lot to learn about parenting before you dip into that end of the pool, jerk.

Jokes the actor, "I will have to find a very tall wife if they're going to be good at sports."

Oh, so that's how you think romance works? You just pluck a tall woman out of the world, and assume that she'll bear your children because you were in a film once? You know what's better than choosing a mate based on height? Choosing a mate based on love. Is this how you Hollywood types think? You pick and choose your mates based on certain physical characteristics? That's a slippery slope, my friend. You're one step away from genetically modified children. Why don't you just clone yourself, and adjust the DNA settings on height, huh? God knows you have the money for it.

I've grown up around lots of people who were having kids when I knew them, because a lot of them were a lot older than me," Radcliffe says. "And I saw the wonderful change in them. I see that it gives you a sense of purpose that up till now I only really get from work. I want that [purpose]."

Woah! Woah, back up there, Radcliffe? Are you saying that people who don't have children have no purpose? That life truly has no meaning unless there are children in it? You know, Daniel, there are plenty of people in the world who have somehow managed to live purposeful and fulfilling lives without spreading their seed all over the damn place. But that's how you celebrities think, isn't it? You just can't be happy unless there are miniature versions of you running around in the world. The ego!

"I am planning to get a couple of tattoos," he said. "It's going to sound really pretentious, but there's a [Samuel] Beckett quote I really like which I'm going to get tattooed on me. 'Try again, fail again, fail better.' That's what I'm about. I heard someone say growing up is about aiming to succeed, but being fulfilled by failing very well. I agree with that 100 percent."

Beckett? Really? That does sound really pretentious? So, being rich and famous is not enough for you? Now you have to advertise your intelligence, too? That's pretty smug, Radcliffe. I know a lot of people who are perfectly happy with Stephen King quotes tattooed on their arms ("French is the language that turns dirt into romance.")

And what's this about "being fulfilled by failing very well"? Just FIVE MINUTES AGO, you were saying that fulfillment comes with having children? Which is it, hypocrite? Failing well or having children? That's a lot of doublespeak. Besides, what would you know about failing well? You've been riding J.K. Rowling's coattails for the better part of your life. You've made hundreds of millions of dollars from waving around a little stick. If that's failure, then sign me up for a lifetime of it, you pompous little jack ass.

*****

Boom! You've been TMZ'd!



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Yols

    So agree with your thoughts, I never liked Dan Rad. Bad actor, awful looking guy and saying those things.....no no no.....

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    If somebody seriously tries to tear down this kid for anything in this interview I will GO IN on them. Like Hermione in the Room of Requirement. Don't try me.

  • Slash

    You joke, but somewhere on earth, somebody is bitching and moaning (online and IRL) about the interview. Going on and on about how they have no life whatsoever and so they actually think that anybody with a functioning brain should be offended by anything a celebrity has to say.

    No, wait ... that's just what the reasonable among us see when we read some nonsensical rant online about a celebrity.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    You know what? I liked this. I feel like I sent my cranky energy into the universe and it wrote this

  • simplysarah

    "Boom! You’ve been TMZ’d!" I want to bring this expression into my life. Whenever I overreact or flip out on my husband, I'm going to say this. It will confuse him but amuse me so it's really a win/win for me.

  • Robert

    How dare he suggest that short people can't be good at sports. We have bowling, golf, and gymnastics on lockdown. Use your strengths, like a low center of gravity.

  • BWeaves

    Bowling and golf are not sports, they're pastimes. How do you tell the difference between a sport and a pastime? If you train for the "sport" by playing the "sport" then it's a pastime. If you have to do all sorts of other training, like weight lifting and jogging and such, then it's a sport.

    Gymnastics? You have to be born upside down and backwards with springs on your feet. Serious sport? Or circus performer?

  • Homestar

    Dude, what do you have against gymnastics? I was a gymnast for 7 years and trained four days a week, three hours a day minimum and went to lots of competitions and had a really good time. It was fun and athletic. I was on a team and I also competed individually. How is that circus performing?

  • BWeaves

    Actually, I think gymnastics is an amazing sport. It's just very hard to judge. Very subjective. It's definitely harder and requires more skill than bowling or golf.

  • Homestar

    Well, it does require total control over your body, which is much harder than learning how to golf, yeah. But it does also stunt your growth and make you think you're fat for the rest of your life, so I don't know if I'd say it's amazing :)

    I get your meaning, though. Bowling and golf are more like games because the end result is what matters, not how you got there.

  • Maybe my bowling training experience was different from most, but I did not exclusively train by bowling. I had strength exercises, grip exercises, coordination training, and all the different aspects of the approach isolated for maximum accuracy off the lanes. My HS coaches were shocked that I was started on that stuff so young. Other teams in the area did weight and conditioning training, as well, and they beat us every time. A lot of it is practice with bowling, but that's not the only way to train.

    I mean, I was pushed into bowling competitions at a very young age and encouraged to pursue it the way a young baseball or basketball player might be, so my experience probably isn't the norm. Still, you don't become a great bowler by just bowling more and you don't build up the stamina to play in 8+ round tournaments with multiple games in each round by throwing the ball down the lane. I'd beat those kids every time if I made it out of the preliminaries.

    But this is about feigning outrage at the can't sing, can't dance, but can act just fine pocket troll from the Harry Potter universe.

  • BWeaves

    I stand corrected.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You really are committed to reducing me to a drooling pile of human detrius today aren't you.

  • MENE.

  • John W

    ooh I wanna play; Footbal!? What cricket ain't good enough for ya?

  • Bfabb

    So if failing well = being fulfilled, and fulfillment = having children, then by the transitive property of Daniel Radcliffe, failing = having children.

  • Slim

    I would like to offer to be Dan's transitive property, except I'm not tall enough and an aged parent, by these terms. I can still beat my 2.5 yr old at soccer, though...

  • Steph

    LEAVE HARRY ALONE!!!

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