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Lance Armstrong Gets His Own Inspartional Biopic

The Uninspirational Stuff Will Be Left Out / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | June 11, 2009 | Comments (29)

Columbia pictures is making a biopic about Lance Armstrong. Gary Ross (Seabiscuit) is set to write the script, because he knows a thing or two about men riding things. The movie will track Armstrong’s comeback from cancer and his improbable run of seven consecutive Tour de France titles. The movie will be based on the biography he wrote, along with Sally Jenkins, called It’s Not About the Bike, which was published in 2000. Therefore, the movie presumably will not include anything about the doping allegations, or how he left his wife after she stood beside him while he had cancer for Sheryl Crow, who he also later dumped. That’s not very inspirational.

The movie will include men riding bicycles, and probably a manufactured antagonist, likely French. There will probably be a photo-finish involved, too, even though Armstrong usually won by six minutes or more. Because we need antagonists, and we hate the French. And we love photo finishes!

Matt Damon was once considered for the role, although no lead has yet been cast.

Frank Marshall is producing and may eventually direct.


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Comments

The movie will be based on the biography he wrote, along with Sally Jenkins, called It’s Not About the Bike...

because now it's all about me.

Posted by: admin at June 11, 2009 7:35 PM

No one is going to see this movie.

Posted by: superasente at June 11, 2009 7:42 PM

There isn't a single testicled actor I can think of for this.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at June 11, 2009 7:56 PM

I think I watched this the first time around, when it played out over the course of several years in the news. Why on God's earth would I want to fork over $10 to see it happen on a screen in two hours?

Posted by: Genny (actually Rusty now) at June 11, 2009 7:57 PM

I'm trying to figure out ways to work this new word, "Inspartional," into conversations.

I just really love the sound of it: "Inspartional!" Any suggestions?

Posted by: Jerce at June 11, 2009 8:08 PM

I wonder if there are any Method actors out there willing to lop off a testicle to play Lance Armstrong......

Posted by: stardust savant at June 11, 2009 8:17 PM

*New!* from General Mills! It's Instant Nostalgia TM ! Just take 1 part inspiration, mix with 3 parts high-fructose corn syrup, add the Instant Nostalgia seasoning packet and shake vigorously. Bake at 15 million dollars for 4 months. Frost with Instant Nostalgia Trailer Icing TM

Serving Suggestions:Instant Nostalgia TM is best served in theaters on a hot Memorial Day weekend. Allow film to stand 6-8 months before serving on DVD or the Hallmark Channel.

Serves approximately 57 million dollars.

Posted by: alphawhiskey at June 11, 2009 8:24 PM

Why do you think Lance spent all that time with Matthew McConaughey? Shirtless McMooseknuckle could play the part with one testicle tied behind his back.

Posted by: branded at June 11, 2009 8:30 PM

one man...Cillian Murphy

that's all I'm saying...

Well that, and I would actually see this movie if Cillian Murphy played Armstrong. Maybe...nope, nevermind, I wouldn't.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 11, 2009 8:31 PM

There isn't a single testicled actor I can think of for this.

Tom Green, if you're definition of acting is looser than his ball skin. But someone will have to explain to him that the "blown tire" scene in no way involves his mouth.

Posted by: jM at June 11, 2009 8:41 PM

...while he had cancer for Sheryl Crow.

Lance Armstrong's so inspartional, he even dedicates his cancer to his famous lover.

(PS: Try commas.)

Posted by: Ariel at June 11, 2009 9:56 PM

Wow, the typos in this post have generated more (and funnier) comments than the actual content. I thoroughly approve, as I couldn't give a rats ass (or an inspartional testicle, as the case may be) about this film. In fact, I think the next time I see someone wearing one of his bracelets I'll punch them in the face (or the testicles).


TESTICLE

Posted by: the_wakeful at June 11, 2009 10:49 PM

I'm trying to figure out ways to work this new word, "Inspartional," into conversations.

I just really love the sound of it: "Inspartional!" Any suggestions?

First, I was trying to figure out if I was stupid and missed it in vocabulary.

It is an interesting word.

The density of galactic matter is inspartional.

Posted by: Cindy at June 11, 2009 11:10 PM

Perhaps, in the body of the movie, someone can explain to me how a rider can neglect to come in first during any leg, but still win the overall race. PLEASE. I'M BEGGING YOU. I'M LOST.

Posted by: Ling at June 11, 2009 11:54 PM

Jerce, you use it just like you would inspirational, but keep in mind that the proper pronunciation involves a heavy southern Indiana/Kentucky style hick accent. Ideally it should only be used in sports contexts, i.e. "Dale Earnhardt's life was so inspartional for me. I still can't b'lieve he's gone. DAAAALLLEEEE! You were too good fer this werld." Although you can stretch it a bit if'n you want, i.e. "This beer gaved me the most inspartional idee! Let's go down to the crick and catch us some crawdads fer fryng up." (I kid because I love. I'm a southern Hoosier myself. Cannot to this day pronounce the word creek properly. 'specially if there's beer in me.)

Posted by: s. pisaster at June 11, 2009 11:56 PM

And shit. I just brought back my southern Indiana accent. I just told my cats to "shuddup and stop yer fightin." I'ma be talkin like a hick all night.

Posted by: s. pisaster at June 12, 2009 12:00 AM

I do believe there's a facebook group called 'Livestrong: Leave your wife and kids for Sheryl Crow'.

Aaaand I do believe I'll join now.

Posted by: K at June 12, 2009 4:41 AM

Am I the only one who finds Lance Armstrong uninteresting? I kind of feel like a douche for saying it, but he bores me. I mean, kudos for kicking cancer's ass, and winning races and stuff, but I'm SOOOOOOOOOO not interested in this guy.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at June 12, 2009 8:24 AM

I didn't need anything more than his inspirational appearance in 'Dodgeball'.

"So, what are you dying of?"

"Right now? Shame. Mostly."

Posted by: twig at June 12, 2009 8:46 AM

I think I'll just watch "Breaking Away" again.

However, "Breaking Away" sounds like a great title for the "loosing a testicle" part of this inspartional docudramadory.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 12, 2009 9:14 AM

Damn, bweaves. that was funny. Wrong, but funny.
And I love that scene in Dodgeball.

Posted by: Stella at June 12, 2009 9:36 AM

and jeez we do love to build our heroes up and then tear them down when they prove to be utterly fallible and douchey.
The guy was arrogant from Day 1 - why are people surprised he behaved like an arrogant prick once he was a bazillionaire?

I did like the book It's Not About the Bike, and I am not usually a fan of sports biographies. I find it funny that the only other sports-related biography I own is Seabiscuit.

So really, what I'm saying is that I will watch this movie on tv.

Posted by: Stella at June 12, 2009 9:42 AM

We used to have a Pajiba Dictionary somewhere on this site, that listed words like Godtopus and Murdertank, and whatever else would need a definition for a newbie to understand.

I demand that "inspartional" be added to the Pajiba Dictionary.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 12, 2009 9:49 AM

This is a guy who decided to "take a shower" while the drug tester was at the door and then blamed everyone else for being suspicious. We're not talking Marilyn vos Savant here.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at June 12, 2009 10:14 AM

I amend the demand that "inspartional" be applied to the testicle(s) of douchebags who achieve success in their fields. Example: "Many were impressed by Lance Armstrong's string of bike races, but it was his brave, surviving testicle that was truly inspartional. (Interestingly, the inspartional testicle was later impacted by an inspiring kick to the junk by Sheryl Crow.)"

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 12, 2009 1:22 PM

Clarification: Lance Armstrong met and married his wife AFTER beating cancer. He did, however, leave his wife, and met Sheryl Crow 2-3 months later, after being introduced by Robin Williams.

She then became his road groupie for his last two tours, and he was fond of proclaiming that he would return the favor and be her groupie after he retired.

We all know where that went.

Look, the guy can be a douche, but let's call him a douche for the right reasons. His wife was long-suffering and supportive from all accounts, and he did treat her badly in the end (reconciled for the purposes of winning the tour without distractions, dumped her AGAIN less than a month after winning his fifth tour, took up with Sheryl, etc.)

None of this has any relevance to the biopic movie, but where Lance is concerned, I like people to dislike him for the facts, not the misconceptions.


Posted by: Meggrs at June 12, 2009 1:48 PM

I know, know, know I'm going to get hate mail for this, but I really hate the whole "beating cancer" thing. Yes, you had endless resources and you had the dumb luck of catching your disease in time to live. Does that mean people who die from cancer were somehow "defeated" by cancer, or does it just mean they had shit luck?
That he was sick and then had a comeback is inspirational, but I really don't like the notion of "prevailing" over a disease in that it suggests that there's a converse, i.e. that one "loses" to a disease.

Posted by: samantha t at June 12, 2009 3:39 PM

You know what we call southern Hoosiers in the South...


Yankees.

Posted by: Phat girl at June 12, 2009 4:57 PM

Meggrs is right. Lance's ex wife didn't meet him until he had beaten cancer. You would think people would get their facts correct before posting such a horrible accusation. And Sheryl Crow dumped HIM. She did it when she found out she had cancer---stating she didn't want to put him through it. But he stood by her side through the treatment, even though they were no longer together.

He's a fucking inspiration. He's done more to help people than 99.9% of humanity. Raised MILLIONS for cancer research. Visited sick kids in the hospital. Get off his back.

Posted by: MChrist at June 13, 2009 9:15 AM