I remember, nearly 15 months ago now, when my lovely wife gave birth to my son. Mrs. Pajiba-hyphenate describes it as a spiritual experience, of sorts. But, for me, it was harrowing. Everything was going just fine until that goddamn “ring of fire.” Johnny Cash don’t even know, man. I have never felt as helpless as I did, then, watching the person I love most in the world experience the excruciating agony of having her pubus bones move so that a human life could fit through her unhappy place.
… until now, helplessly watching the trailer for Lindsay Lohan’s new movie, Labor Pains, helpless to turn away, helplessly suffering the humiliating affront to my senses. God, it hurts. Seeing the once great Janeane Garofalo show up in the trailer, about halfway through, was akin to having my pubus bones open wide. Unfortunately, there’s no miracle waiting at the end. Just Lindsay Lohan’s smug little smile, as she slowly completes her fade into cinematic oblivion.
Chris Parnell has a starring credit...in a Lindsay Lohan movie that looks like it's destined to go DTV, much like the rest of Nu Image's extensive catalog.
"Now in Post Production"...so now we have to advertise what phase we're in? As if to say, "Get it while it's hot, distributors!"
"Unfortunately, there's no miracle waiting at the end. Just Lindsay Lohan's smug little smile, as she slowly completes her fade into cinematic oblivion."
Very True, Mr. Rowles. Although not yet released to the public, I've got pretty solid evidence that prior to the film's release, Ms. Lohan will be shipped to the Department of Alternative Fuel Development, where she will be deemed unnecessary, ground to a pulpy sludge, and converted to a more economic source of energy.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 4, 2008 12:20 PM
I see what's going on here. Either Skittimus Maximus has devised a new plan to economically cope with the ridiculous number of mini-posts on the New and Improved Pajiba™, or we are seeing the rise of a frightening new technology:
Skittimus Spambottimus
Posted by: Che Grovera at September 4, 2008 12:23 PM
Did everyone actually pose for their goddamn trailer credits?????
...Ernie...Get me my rifle.
Posted by: PissBoy at September 4, 2008 12:27 PM
Was that Kevin Covais? Again? Idol's Chicken Little has an actual film career?
Posted by: Che Grovera at September 4, 2008 12:29 PM
I remember, nearly 15 months ago now, when my lovely wife gave birth to my son.
/change comment speed to another integer to alter bitching speed. Greater is faster
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Yeah, so anyhow, anybody wanna join me for a burger behind the slaughterhouse? hahahahahaaaaa.......... [reboot]
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 4, 2008 12:39 PM
Well, uh, thanks for clearing that up, Skittimus Cylonimus...
Posted by: Che Grovera at September 4, 2008 12:49 PM
For a long time I've held the opinion that Skittimus was a sort of genius. More of a mad scientist, really. He juggles all these ridiculous and uniquely Pajiban concepts never once breaking character. (The Skittimus canon is quite extensive) And he keeps setting the bar higher and higher. It only makes sense that he is just some sort of robotic hilarious post machine.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 4, 2008 12:57 PM
I tried to look for Janeane, but was blinded by the sheer awfulness.
Posted by: ella at September 4, 2008 12:57 PM
Why the fuck is Kevin Corvais an actor now?
Famewhores need to stick to reality TV. Take a page from Miss New York, young untalented singing failure Kevin Corvais: develop a character and run it into the ground in every format you can think of.
In other news, while I refuse to acknowledge the Leno's chin joke as funny, this Skitt entry is worthy of honor. Awesome. If only you had mentioned ERMAC.
Posted by: Bucko at September 4, 2008 1:11 PM
"For a long time I've held the opinion that Skittimus was a sort of genius."
BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Wait, you mean... you said...
BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[gasp]
OK. I'm sorry, that was totally unca-
BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'm good. No, seriously. I'm good.
Of course, I kid out of love Skittiums.
[snort]
Posted by: TK at September 4, 2008 1:13 PM
Ms. Lohan will be shipped to the Department of Alternative Fuel Development, where she will be deemed unnecessary...
Unnecessary? I hate that I have to resort to that whole "firecrotch" thing from a few years ago, but Ms. Lohan ain't FireCrotch for nothin'. See, the "Fire" part doesn't refer to (what I would assume are) her ginger pubes. Fire is power. In ancient times, tribes would guard fire with devotion for fear it would fade and leave them in the cold and eating raw meat.
In little over 20 years on this Earth, Lindsay Lohan has managed to hump everything from Jude Law to Paris Hilton's wonky face. She's ripped down there. A Kegel muscle is a powerful thing, people. That thing could crack open a nut or squeeze Rainbow Killer's face into an honest smile of happiness.
FireCrotch is so powerful that it can't even be pregnant in a silly movie, because the ring of fire is like kryptonite to Linday's Kegel muscle, and even the hypothetical possibility is too risky. Hollywood is not taking any chances. We must protect FireCrotch under any circumstances, because its sheer strength and super powers (being straight, gay, straight again and finally gay - for now - before you can say hot pocket) can replace oil.
FireCrotch's fountain is more powerful than jet fuel. Rub it all over your face and you'll get a chemical peel for half the price and twice the odor. Use it as poison against your enemies. It is the syrup of truth. Our only hope for a world with no oil wars and clear skies.
Again, I ask. Lindsay Lohan, deemed unnecessary by the Department of Alternative Fuel?
You clearly do not comprehend the power of what she keeps inside those knee-padded leggings.
Not only have you provided me with a new insult for my red-headed enemies (Ginger Pubes also doubles as a fanTASTic porn name), but have given me a happy mental picture to use when I'm stuck in line at the DMV, and that picture is me, standing with Lindsay slung over my shoulder, firing RPGs from her vagooter.
PEW! PEW! PEW!
Bless, dear Sofia.
Posted by: Mella at September 4, 2008 2:04 PM
La Lohan and her constant disparagement by association of us pelirrojos makes me sad in the pants.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 4, 2008 2:27 PM
Aaaw, Sarina! Don't be sad, especially not in the pants. I'm stealing dlisted's Michael K's term and go ahead and call you Rojo Caliente. Hot Red! That's sexy. Me? I have brown hair, brown eyes. No Rojo Caliente for me, just Warm Poopish-Brown.
Aaaw, Sarina! Don't be sad, especially not in the pants. I'm stealing dlisted's Michael K's term and go ahead and call you Rojo Caliente. Hot Red! That's sexy. Me? I have brown hair, brown eyes. No Rojo Caliente for me, just Warm Poopish-Brown.
Prior to any french anything my dear scorzi, I'm going to need you to fill out these forms here - just the top part, please - I'll take care of the bottom part there... And if you could, see if you can't fill this cup to say about... right here on this line - yes, that's the one. I'm need at least two references, with contact information, who are willing to attest to the information you'll be filling out on those forms there. Uh, that should about do... Nope! Almost forgot - I'll need you to open wide... okay - hold on a second... there! Just needed to get a swab from your inner cheek. Now, go ahead and gargle this cup of bleach for about, oh, let's say a good thirty seconds or until I get back from duplicating your Driver's License, m'kay?
There you go. You can go ahead and spit that out over there in the sink. Well, I've got everything I need on this end - Is there a number I can have someone get in touch with you? Great. You should be hearing back from me by the end of next week, okay? Fabulous! Feel free to grab a menstrual cup on your way out... Bye, now!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 4, 2008 3:33 PM
Aaaw, Sarina! Don't be sad, especially not in the pants. I'm stealing dlisted's Michael K's term and go ahead and call you Rojo Caliente. Hot Red! That's sexy. Me? I have brown hair, brown eyes. No Rojo Caliente for me, just Warm Poopish-Brown.
I'm loving the use of "pelirrojo", by the way.
Posted by: GB at September 4, 2008 3:35 PM
Jeeeeezus... okay, okay, I won't be sad in the pants! Back off, you animals!
I actually just got around to watching the trailer... I suppose every once in a while it wouldn't be out of line to actually pay attention to what the main topic at hand is, huh?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 4, 2008 4:21 PM
I actually just got around to watching the trailer... I suppose every once in a while it wouldn't be out of line to actually pay attention to what the main topic at hand is, huh?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 4, 2008 4:21 PM
That's just crazy talk.
Posted by: Mella at September 4, 2008 4:35 PM
Knocked Up and Waitress already fulfilled the golden age of comedic film's about pregnancy. Labor Pains is just shiteous, an example of Lindsay Lohan holding on tightly to the reins of her cinematic demise. She won't let go until she officially looks about 60. She's only 21, you say? Oh man, the world IS going to end by 2012. And it's all her damn fault. Why doesn't she have a relationship with a tranny after this? That the sort of spotlight she belongs in, don't you think?
Posted by: ph at September 4, 2008 4:39 PM
A durp dee durp dee teedley durp dee durp dee dum.
Rated PG-13.
Posted by: Lucas at September 4, 2008 5:55 PM
That voiceover...my God, it's inducing a panic attack!
BTW, I agree with Lucas completely.
Posted by: DrunkPinkBat at September 4, 2008 11:47 PM
Skittimus:
I call your bluff because I just had my annual check up/physical/ob-gyn swabathon and blood sample spectacular. I'm 100% clean.
So whenever you're ready, let the tonsil hockey begin.
(Climbs on top of him and pops in a breath mint before leaning in for a kiss.)
Posted by: scorzi at September 5, 2008 10:41 AM
Scorzi:
Fine. We'll meet in the alley behind the Discount Furniture Superstore, by the recycling dumpster. Come alone. Bring a 20lb. bag of ice and two 20oz. plastic cups. If you've got a neck pillow, great. If not, we can wrangle some bubble-wrap out of the dumpster. I'll need you to sign a waiver prior to any shenanigans stating that you are of sound mind and body. Other than that, you'd best be flying your freak flag, 'cause I've got more kinks than an arthritic Stephen Hawking.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 5, 2008 12:02 PM
Pay no attention to that Beaverplatz behind the dumpster with a video camera.
I'm filming... birds... for a "nature" "documentary" I'm making.
Mmmm hmm.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 5, 2008 12:12 PM
You do what you gotta do, Beaverplatz, but you wanna throw yourself into the mix, you'd best have your own 20oz. plastic cup, neck pillow, and be ready to sign the waiver as well. Like I said, there's more kinky here than in Gene Shalit's briefs...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 5, 2008 12:42 PM
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
Please help youself to the fondue and sangria. I had anticipated a guest but unfortunately, my party didn't arrive as scheduled. I had to return to my home, where my brother Wendell has scheduled/treated himself with a young woman who charges by the hour. Thank you.
P.S. You may also keep the riding crop, ankle shackles, ball-gag and chinos.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 5, 2008 2:34 PM
Skittimus:
In the words of poet laureate Trent Reznor,
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
If you're taken, that girl is so very lucky. If you're not taken, as Ron Burgundy says, "I want to be...on you."
Posted by: scorzi at September 5, 2008 2:55 PM
Dammit, Skitt, give a girl a chance! ... I had to go get the cup and the neck pillow, as well as my notary public to witness the waiver! Besides, I had no idea Wendell had an appointment with his hooke... er, I mean, massage therapist.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 5, 2008 2:56 PM
Holy moly, will ya lookit the stuff we got here! Looks like somebody was gearin' up for some first-rate shenanigans back here! Holy cow, would ya take a look at this! What is this, some kinda whip for miniature horses or somethin'? Jeezum crow, and I ain't never seen anybody with that much industrial lubricant! Musta been a real whack-job! Looks like they left some nacho dip or somethin' here, too. And holy crud, that's a mighty large jug of wine there! Cripes and lookit all the pills floatin' around in it!
Wow... whatever floats your boat, I guess!
Posted by: Stanley Sobrienskimeyer at September 5, 2008 2:57 PM
P.S. scorzi, I will totally mud wrestle you for Skittimus. He is my one, my only, my everything. And there's noone who can love his brother Wendell the way I do.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 5, 2008 3:01 PM
Say, are there any ladies around these parts that are looking to hit Chi-Chi's for a cold one? Appetizers are half-off and if the evening takes a swing in the right direction, I've got a whole mess of crazy apparatuses that'll make your head spin! Just don't touch the chinos... I've gotta wear these to Circuit City tomorrow. Yeah, I'm a Department Lead - says so right on the name tag - Stanley S. That's me. So what say we belly-up and ol' Stan'll buy you a Appletini or somethin', huh?
Posted by: Stanley Sobrienskimeyer at September 5, 2008 3:24 PM
TO THE LADY WHO TAKES THIS SEAT:
Help yourself to the Southwestern Eggrolls - the bartender'll bring you a tall MGD Light in a minute. If you want to order something else, don't worry, I'll finish the beer. I had to hop off to the bathroom. See, there's these ankle-handcuff things I found by the dumpster and I figured I'd slipped on before I realized that I didn't have the danged key for 'em! Leave it to Stan, right? Anyhow, I'll be back in a few minutes - my brother Terry's should be showing up in a second here - he's got a locksmith shop across the street at the strip mall. I hope you're ready to have a good time!
Stanley Sobrienskimeyer,
Department Supervisor
Circuit City
Posted by: Stanley Sobrienskimeyer at September 5, 2008 4:00 PM
Anna:
You're on.
Naked, fully clothed or in bathing suits?
We can divide the Pajiba readers into two sets of fans. I'll be Team Blue, you be Team Red.
(Suddenly dumps a bucket of ice water over herself and Anna.)
Skittimus...ring the bell.
Posted by: scorzi at September 5, 2008 4:08 PM
definitely bikinis. Though they'll probably get ripped off at some point, what with all the slippery mud, the hair-pulling, and the alcohol.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 5, 2008 4:27 PM
Skittimus:
Your two wet and muddied sexed up Pajibian females are awaiting your reply...bikinis, clothes or naked?
And when are you going to join in?
Posted by: scorzi at September 5, 2008 5:45 PM
Uh... I guess start out fully-clothed? I mean, well it depends on what you're wearing to begin with really... If it's something nice, I'd probably suggest folding it up and keeping it out of of the mud entirely. But like, if you're just wearing, I dunno, like, cut-offs or something I suppose you could... uh... Well, do you have bikinis on under what you're wearing? 'Cause I think that'd make a difference in how the whole thing progresses, but then again I don't know how these things usually go, so I suppose you might wanna have a drink first or someth... JUST GET DOWN TO YOUR GODDAM DELICATES, THROW ON TRACK THREE OF HALO 4 AND HAVE AT IT!
I gotta change my shoes...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 5, 2008 6:11 PM
...and here we go! Got a pair of casual shoes and I'm ready to... Where is everybody? Isn't there any... OH THIS IS JUST GREAT! GODDAMMIT! GODDEFFINGDAMMIT!
[...dim lights, cue Don't Wanna Miss A Thing, zoom in on casual shoes, then pan across to empty inflatable pool full of mud and empty promises - horizontal wipe to Stanley's apartment where Stanley diddles himself and sobs in a tattered easy chair - fade to black & roll credits...]
Sit Ubu, sit - good dog!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 5, 2008 11:45 PM
Look, it only took me five and a-half hours to get back, you two. I mean, shit yeah, it's a long time to get a little food in me and a change of shoes, but I guess I had high hopes. Big dreams. Grand aspirations (is that the right word, or is that the breathing difficulty thing? Can never remember that one...) Anyhow, what I guess I'm trying to say is... hold on... wait...
Holy shit, have you seen that Shamwow commercial? That fucking absorbent cloth thing? Holy shit, that's pretty goddamed slick, huh? Wow... HOLD ON! I've gotta order in the next sixty seconds to get the...
YES! YES! YYEEESSSSS! I got me two of 'em for nineteen bucks! And they come with a motherfucking certificate of... authen... whatever, it's guaranteed bitches! How friggin' cool is that?! YEAH, BABY! BRING ON THE SPILLS! WHOOO!
What the hell was I talking about...?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 6, 2008 12:56 AM
You know, I'm not ordinarily a proponent of blind fumbling sex, but honestly Skits, for the sake of your lady friends, I hope you have the decency to fuck them in the pitch dark so there's nothing shiny to distract you.
Of course, I suppose you've got always got your wing man to fill in, and Minimus is awfully skilled with his turkey claw.
Distracted? Let me tell you about distracted, sister. Distracted is when everyone you've invited over is having a great time. Everyone's mingling, chatting it up, having some snacks and then WHOOPS! Oh no, somebody knocked over his or her beverage. Party's over, right? NOT ANYMORE, BABY!
Listen, Sarina, I wanna take a second to tell you about the Shamwow - the Shamwow towel absorbs 20 times its weight in water, doesn't drip when you take it to the sink and when it dries, it stays soft.
Now, I know you're thinking, "Say, Skitz, why wouldn't I just grab a paper towel to clean up the mess?". I've got two words for you: FUCK THAT. The Shamwow towels are for your big spills, your big jobs like cleaning the bathroom walls, carpet stains or drying your vehicles. It'll cleanup coffee, pop, blood, vomit, urine, feces, jelly, chowder, and more! This is the last towel you'll ever purchase! Guaranteed!
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 6, 2008 9:37 AM
Skits, you're such a silvertongued devil. How is a girl to find the strength to resist such masterfully skilled wooing?
...oh, my. What's happened to my knickers? It seems they've disappeared!
Oh, I am a scoundrel - but not such a scoundrel I can't make you an offer that'll blow you're goddamed mind. Buckle your seat-belt, young missy - you order a Shamwow in the next thirty minutes, and not only will I send you four, yes FOUR, full-size Shamwows, I'll throw in a six-pack of the smaller, personal use Shamwoozies. That's a fucking... that's a sixty dollar package for only NINETEEN NINETY FIVE!! Are you kidding me? NOPE! And I'll tell you what Sarina, you refer a friend to me, I'm gonna throw in a goddam turkey baster/flavor injector! Huh? YOU LIKE THAT?! That's ten, TEN, top-notch, German-made products from the Shamwoozenstien factory, PLUS a motherfucking turkey baster/flavor injector! And hold on to your goddamed britches, Miss Thang, cause you send me all your bank information, social security number, credit card info, blood type, address, phone number, work hours, and criminal record, I'll also send you a limited-edition, commemorative plate with the one-and-only... CELINE DION! No need to refresh the page, you read right - a CELINE MOTHERFUCKING DION COMMEMORATIVE PLATE! Only 32,000 of these bad boys made! You don't wanna be the last person on your block to own one of these amazi...
Oop, hold on... my Hot Pocket just dinged...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 6, 2008 11:36 AM
Seriously though... anyone interested in buying a Shamwow? I got pretty loaded last night and apparently, I bought into the company. I've got a car-hole fulla these things...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 6, 2008 3:57 PM
Skitt, I think there might be a business opportunity for you on the Zack and Miri Make a Porno thread. Bodily fluids are flowing over there in gag-inducing quantities...
Posted by: Che Grovera at September 7, 2008 2:37 PM
I could picture having hardcore sex with Skittimus against a wall to Trent Reznor's screams, then afterwards I'd shower, wrap myself in one of his Shamwow cloths, and he'd microwave me a Hot Pocket. Then we'd curl up on the couch together and watch cartoons.
He keeps the experience classy.
Posted by: scorzi at September 9, 2008 5:05 PM
You're more than welcome to wrap yourself in one, but I'm still gonna have to charge you $19.95, plus S&H. These goddamed things aren't cheap...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 10, 2008 2:28 PM
Video ads popping up after each page view? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
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The two saddest things about this trailer...
Chris Parnell has a starring credit...in a Lindsay Lohan movie that looks like it's destined to go DTV, much like the rest of Nu Image's extensive catalog.
"Now in Post Production"...so now we have to advertise what phase we're in? As if to say, "Get it while it's hot, distributors!"