Pajiba

The two saddest things about this trailer...

Chris Parnell has a starring credit...in a Lindsay Lohan movie that looks like it's destined to go DTV, much like the rest of Nu Image's extensive catalog.

"Now in Post Production"...so now we have to advertise what phase we're in? As if to say, "Get it while it's hot, distributors!"

I see what's going on here. Either Skittimus Maximus has devised a new plan to economically cope with the ridiculous number of mini-posts on the New and Improved Pajiba™, or we are seeing the rise of a frightening new technology:

Skittimus Spambottimus

Was that Kevin Covais? Again? Idol's Chicken Little has an actual film career?

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Yeah, so anyhow, anybody wanna join me for a burger behind the slaughterhouse? hahahahahaaaaa.......... [reboot]

For a long time I've held the opinion that Skittimus was a sort of genius. More of a mad scientist, really. He juggles all these ridiculous and uniquely Pajiban concepts never once breaking character. (The Skittimus canon is quite extensive) And he keeps setting the bar higher and higher. It only makes sense that he is just some sort of robotic hilarious post machine.

Why the fuck is Kevin Corvais an actor now?

Famewhores need to stick to reality TV. Take a page from Miss New York, young untalented singing failure Kevin Corvais: develop a character and run it into the ground in every format you can think of.

Just stay off the silver screen, bucko.

"For a long time I've held the opinion that Skittimus was a sort of genius."

BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Wait, you mean... you said...

BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[gasp]

OK. I'm sorry, that was totally unca-

BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I'm good. No, seriously. I'm good.

Of course, I kid out of love Skittiums.

[snort]

Sofia,

Not only have you provided me with a new insult for my red-headed enemies (Ginger Pubes also doubles as a fanTASTic porn name), but have given me a happy mental picture to use when I'm stuck in line at the DMV, and that picture is me, standing with Lindsay slung over my shoulder, firing RPGs from her vagooter.

PEW! PEW! PEW!

Bless, dear Sofia.

Lindsay WHO?

This person is supposed to be in entertainment?

Not ringing a bell.

Aaaw, Sarina! Don't be sad, especially not in the pants. I'm stealing dlisted's Michael K's term and go ahead and call you Rojo Caliente. Hot Red! That's sexy. Me? I have brown hair, brown eyes. No Rojo Caliente for me, just Warm Poopish-Brown.

I'm loving the use of "pelirrojo", by the way.

Prior to any french anything my dear scorzi, I'm going to need you to fill out these forms here - just the top part, please - I'll take care of the bottom part there... And if you could, see if you can't fill this cup to say about... right here on this line - yes, that's the one. I'm need at least two references, with contact information, who are willing to attest to the information you'll be filling out on those forms there. Uh, that should about do... Nope! Almost forgot - I'll need you to open wide... okay - hold on a second... there! Just needed to get a swab from your inner cheek. Now, go ahead and gargle this cup of bleach for about, oh, let's say a good thirty seconds or until I get back from duplicating your Driver's License, m'kay?

There you go. You can go ahead and spit that out over there in the sink. Well, I've got everything I need on this end - Is there a number I can have someone get in touch with you? Great. You should be hearing back from me by the end of next week, okay? Fabulous! Feel free to grab a menstrual cup on your way out... Bye, now!

Jeeeeezus... okay, okay, I won't be sad in the pants! Back off, you animals!

[sobs]

I actually just got around to watching the trailer... I suppose every once in a while it wouldn't be out of line to actually pay attention to what the main topic at hand is, huh?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at September 4, 2008 4:21 PM

That's just crazy talk.

A durp dee durp dee teedley durp dee durp dee dum.

Rated PG-13.

Skittimus:

I call your bluff because I just had my annual check up/physical/ob-gyn swabathon and blood sample spectacular. I'm 100% clean.

So whenever you're ready, let the tonsil hockey begin.

(Climbs on top of him and pops in a breath mint before leaning in for a kiss.)

Pay no attention to that Beaverplatz behind the dumpster with a video camera.

I'm filming... birds... for a "nature" "documentary" I'm making.

Mmmm hmm.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Please help youself to the fondue and sangria. I had anticipated a guest but unfortunately, my party didn't arrive as scheduled. I had to return to my home, where my brother Wendell has scheduled/treated himself with a young woman who charges by the hour. Thank you.

P.S. You may also keep the riding crop, ankle shackles, ball-gag and chinos.

Dammit, Skitt, give a girl a chance! ... I had to go get the cup and the neck pillow, as well as my notary public to witness the waiver! Besides, I had no idea Wendell had an appointment with his hooke... er, I mean, massage therapist.

P.S. scorzi, I will totally mud wrestle you for Skittimus. He is my one, my only, my everything. And there's noone who can love his brother Wendell the way I do.

TO THE LADY WHO TAKES THIS SEAT:

Help yourself to the Southwestern Eggrolls - the bartender'll bring you a tall MGD Light in a minute. If you want to order something else, don't worry, I'll finish the beer. I had to hop off to the bathroom. See, there's these ankle-handcuff things I found by the dumpster and I figured I'd slipped on before I realized that I didn't have the danged key for 'em! Leave it to Stan, right? Anyhow, I'll be back in a few minutes - my brother Terry's should be showing up in a second here - he's got a locksmith shop across the street at the strip mall. I hope you're ready to have a good time!

Stanley Sobrienskimeyer,
Department Supervisor
Circuit City

definitely bikinis. Though they'll probably get ripped off at some point, what with all the slippery mud, the hair-pulling, and the alcohol.

Uh... I guess start out fully-clothed? I mean, well it depends on what you're wearing to begin with really... If it's something nice, I'd probably suggest folding it up and keeping it out of of the mud entirely. But like, if you're just wearing, I dunno, like, cut-offs or something I suppose you could... uh... Well, do you have bikinis on under what you're wearing? 'Cause I think that'd make a difference in how the whole thing progresses, but then again I don't know how these things usually go, so I suppose you might wanna have a drink first or someth... JUST GET DOWN TO YOUR GODDAM DELICATES, THROW ON TRACK THREE OF HALO 4 AND HAVE AT IT!

I gotta change my shoes...

Look, it only took me five and a-half hours to get back, you two. I mean, shit yeah, it's a long time to get a little food in me and a change of shoes, but I guess I had high hopes. Big dreams. Grand aspirations (is that the right word, or is that the breathing difficulty thing? Can never remember that one...) Anyhow, what I guess I'm trying to say is... hold on... wait...

Holy shit, have you seen that Shamwow commercial? That fucking absorbent cloth thing? Holy shit, that's pretty goddamed slick, huh? Wow... HOLD ON! I've gotta order in the next sixty seconds to get the...

YES! YES! YYEEESSSSS! I got me two of 'em for nineteen bucks! And they come with a motherfucking certificate of... authen... whatever, it's guaranteed bitches! How friggin' cool is that?! YEAH, BABY! BRING ON THE SPILLS! WHOOO!

What the hell was I talking about...?

Distracted? Let me tell you about distracted, sister. Distracted is when everyone you've invited over is having a great time. Everyone's mingling, chatting it up, having some snacks and then WHOOPS! Oh no, somebody knocked over his or her beverage. Party's over, right? NOT ANYMORE, BABY!

Listen, Sarina, I wanna take a second to tell you about the Shamwow - the Shamwow towel absorbs 20 times its weight in water, doesn't drip when you take it to the sink and when it dries, it stays soft.

Now, I know you're thinking, "Say, Skitz, why wouldn't I just grab a paper towel to clean up the mess?". I've got two words for you: FUCK THAT. The Shamwow towels are for your big spills, your big jobs like cleaning the bathroom walls, carpet stains or drying your vehicles. It'll cleanup coffee, pop, blood, vomit, urine, feces, jelly, chowder, and more! This is the last towel you'll ever purchase! Guaranteed!

Oh, I am a scoundrel - but not such a scoundrel I can't make you an offer that'll blow you're goddamed mind. Buckle your seat-belt, young missy - you order a Shamwow in the next thirty minutes, and not only will I send you four, yes FOUR, full-size Shamwows, I'll throw in a six-pack of the smaller, personal use Shamwoozies. That's a fucking... that's a sixty dollar package for only NINETEEN NINETY FIVE!! Are you kidding me? NOPE! And I'll tell you what Sarina, you refer a friend to me, I'm gonna throw in a goddam turkey baster/flavor injector! Huh? YOU LIKE THAT?! That's ten, TEN, top-notch, German-made products from the Shamwoozenstien factory, PLUS a motherfucking turkey baster/flavor injector! And hold on to your goddamed britches, Miss Thang, cause you send me all your bank information, social security number, credit card info, blood type, address, phone number, work hours, and criminal record, I'll also send you a limited-edition, commemorative plate with the one-and-only... CELINE DION! No need to refresh the page, you read right - a CELINE MOTHERFUCKING DION COMMEMORATIVE PLATE! Only 32,000 of these bad boys made! You don't wanna be the last person on your block to own one of these amazi...

Oop, hold on... my Hot Pocket just dinged...

Seriously though... anyone interested in buying a Shamwow? I got pretty loaded last night and apparently, I bought into the company. I've got a car-hole fulla these things...

I could picture having hardcore sex with Skittimus against a wall to Trent Reznor's screams, then afterwards I'd shower, wrap myself in one of his Shamwow cloths, and he'd microwave me a Hot Pocket. Then we'd curl up on the couch together and watch cartoons.

He keeps the experience classy.