March 25, 2008 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | March 25, 2008 |


It wasn’t too long ago that I reported here on these very pages that a Friday the 13th remake is in the works, produced by Hollywood’s leading ass stain, Michael Bay, and directed by one of the hairs protruding from one of Bay’s ass pimples, Marcus Nispel, who also directed the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake and Amy Grant’s “House of Love” video (remember the one with Vince Gill? Killer job, Marcus). The remake returns to the summer camp that started it all, and while the cast heretofore had been full of nobodies (but for Amanda Wyss of Better Off Dead fame — she was Beth), the nobody quotient has been kicked in the teeth, because star power the likes of which we may never fully comprehend has been attached as the lead in the new Friday the 13th. I hate to reveal his name out of fear that everyone will rub their eyelids and hit refresh at the same time (thus crashing our server), but you folks do come here for the scoop, and I’m obliged to give it up.

His name: Jared Padalecki.

No, that’s not a typo. We’re talking about the Jared Padalecki. The man who can’t leave his apartment without being chased down by rabid, foam-at-the-mouth fangirls angling to pluck a pube and hock it on eBay for farthings! Yes, the star of “Supernatural,” a show so popular it doesn’t even register on the Nielsen ratings. Of course, this bit of casting hasn’t been met with grand approval from all of Jared’s adorers, including our own Stacey, who I understand gave up her squee cherry to Jared ages ago. When I shared the news with her, she fell to her knees, pulled out three hairs (the grey ones, but still) and bellowed, “Why Jared, why do you continue hurting me like this? The Thomas Kinkade movie wasn’t bad enough? You don’t see Jensen Ackles whoring himself out to every cinematic turdpie in need of a white-bread pretty face, do you?”

There, there Stace. It’s gonna be OK. Just look at it this way: By the time the movie is released (Friday, February 13th, 2009), “Supernatural” will have long since been cancelled and you’ll be thirstin’ for a Padalecki fix that only the resurrection of Jason Voorhies can bring you.

In other news that pales by comparison, Paul Giamatti, currently winning hearts and minds as John Adams in an HBO miniseries (what’s the verdict on it, folks?), has joined forces with Clive Owen again (last little-seen in the bulletastic Shoot ‘Em Up) for a movie called Duplicity. The movie, based on a David McCullough book (hey! He wrote John Adams! Clinky Dinks Galore!) is about some crazy corporate espionage stuff. Clive Owen and Julia Roberts will play corporate spies/lovers, while Tom Wilkinson and Billy Bob Thornton will play rival CEOs. It comes from writer-director Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton), and I suspect it’ll be a pretty stellar flick. I’ll put in a request from the Ladies of Pajiba to have Mr. Owen remove as many garments as possible.

Speaking of stellar flicks, the nets are abuzz (OK, one guy is buzzing his kazoo, but still): Student Bodies is coming to DVD! I suspect only a few people will appreciate this, but as far as early-’80s comedies go, only one film can rival the divine lunacy of Kentucky Fried Movie, and that movie is Student Bodies, a horror spoof that featured a serial killer that murders teenagers having sex and who, when given an arsenal of weaponry, chooses a paperclip to undo his victims. How’s this for a classic line: “Hasn’t there been enough senseless killing? Let’s have a murder that makes sense!” or the MPAA warning at the beginning of the film:

For all three of you who give a damn, once the DVD hits shelves, I’ll make for damn sure it’s made an Underappreciated Gem.

What else have we got? How about 500 Days of Summer? Zooey Deschanel is in talks to join the romantic comedy opposite Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who was recently part of a very odd bondage-themed photo shoot with Claudia Schiffer that’s got me scratching my head a bit. Deschanel will play a cynic who doesn’t believe in love; Gordon-Levitt will play a man who does. It’ll be directed by music video director Marc Webb, and the script was written by the team behind the screenplay for the forthcoming The Pink Panther 2. I have nothing else for you, but come on: Gordon-Levitt and Deschanel? That’s, like, Pajiba candy … hmmm, there’s an interesting notion: What would Pajiba candy taste like (a raspberry sno-cone spiked with rum)?

Elsewhere, Tony Scott is directing a remake of The Taking of Pelham 123, which is my kind of remake: of a movie I’ve never heard of. Unfortunately, in addition to the estimable Denzel Washington, John Travolta is also in the cast, which is ten kinds of no good. However, James Gandolfini has also joined the project, playing the mayor of New York City. The movie is about a transit cop (Denzel) charged with taking down a group of hijackers led by Travolta, who take over a subway train to extract a ransom. That’s all I know and all I care to know.

Word is that one of Eastwood’s upcoming projects, Gran Torino, is actually a Dirty Harry sequel, the sixth in the series. Who knows if it’s true or not. More to the point: Who cares? Props to Eastwood for still hanging around and making films at the tender age of 78, but I’m not so sure I want to see Senior Citizen Harry, if it means bloodshed in the nursing home. It sounds more like poop in my pants dirty and not rah! rah! rah! kill some punks dirty, and I’m not OK with that.

In YouTube goodness, check out this Hasidic spoof of Juno called Jewno — it’s pretty goddamn amusing, and really, you can never get enough J.K. Simmons:

And here’s the trailer for Deception starring Ewan McGregor, Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams, and that freaky chick from Species with the long tongue. It’s a mystery that has something to do with prostitutes:

And, for shits and giggles, here’s a clip from the brilliant (and brilliantly un-PC) Kentucky Fried Movie:

And if you can watch a NSFW video, here’s another fun clip from KFM, featuring one of the greatest non-sequiturs in the history of cinema:

With a hat tip to Julie, here’s a late addition to the trailer watch, a Thai film called Sperm. In the comments below, Julie has posted a description of the movie, but since it’s not subtitled, try to figure out what the hell is going on before reading the description:

jared_padalecki_3.jpg

Kentucky Fried Pajiba

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | March 25, 2008 | Comments ()



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